Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 39

My Biggest Struggle and How I Overcome It

I’m usually pretty personal with you about my stories and what happens in my life. This week I’m getting even more personal, and sharing my biggest life struggle, and how I work every single day to over come it. I have had the idea to write about this for a while now but have always found excuses not to share; I can actually thank the insanity of the American election season as my enabler to keep putting it off! It was this very week, however, when someone posted a triggering comment on one of my pictures on Facebook that I knew it was a sign to finally share this with you. It was time to finally stop pushing this off.

I’ll never forget one day in middle school noticing that the waist of my pants flipped over when I was sitting. My first reaction was that something had happened to my pants, they had been sewn incorrectly and that was why the waist creased when I sat. I thought about this often and even asked my mom to take the pants in to have them altered. It was shortly thereafter that I realized that it wasn’t the pants that were the problem, it was me growing into puberty and learning that I no longer could indulge in the pizza and fried chicken diet that had sustained me in my youth. The changes that my body was experiencing caused me to put on some extra weight, that therefore caused the waist of my pants to fold over, which drove me crazy. It was from that very day, that I would become consumed with the thought of whether or not the waist of my pants flipped over when I sat down, and my obsession with weight and body image.

We live in a society that glamorizes a certain body type, while making a majority of us feel pretty subpar. Growing up, I took in the notion that I had to look a certain way to be perceived as pretty, to be successful, and to ultimately find a boyfriend/husband/someone to love me. I know that there are many other people out there who feel this way.

Since that time there has always been that nagging voice in the back of my mind wondering if I’m skinny enough, pretty enough and agonizing over whether or not whatever I eat in a day will make me gain weight. Even with all my daily practices, I’m never truly at peace unless I feel fully confident in my physical appearance, which is why I say this is my biggest struggle. I was basing my happiness on the external, which as we know, can NEVER truly be relied upon. So, I have taken it upon myself to learn, a lot, about food, nutrition, mindfulness and exercise. While for the most part the motives were pure, there was always that thought in the back of my mind saying, “if I master all of this, I’ll finally figure out a way to be skinny.”

There was a period of time where I was feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin. I had the external right, but again, the internal monologue was still a mess. And because, as Pema Chodron says, “nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know”, my body issues came roaring back when my thyroid condition caused me to gain close to 40 pounds at what seemed like a blink of an eye. During this time, I felt like I had zero control over my body and no longer felt like I was living in my own skin. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror; in fact, I even avoided looking at myself in the mirror! This time in my life showed me I still had work to do in truly loving myself, and not just loving myself when I felt like my body looked up to par. It also showed me the judgments I had been harboring about body image in general, and sadly therefore, judging others based on their appearances.

I had never felt so much shame and judgment than during this period of my life. It was as if I wanted everyone to know there was a reason for my sudden weight gain, “it wasn’t my fault”, “it was out of my control”, as if it wasn’t ok for me to look this way. My outsides were mirroring my insides, and I started to awaken to the true state of body image in our culture. I knew deeply that this was one of my biggest teachings in life and I was being given an opportunity to truly heal and learn once and for all.

Day by day since then I have conscientiously worked to reprogram my thoughts about body image (which is no easy feat considering the messages we are constantly given in the media). I make an effort every day to look myself in the eye and regardless of what I see reflecting back at me, reaffirming that I love myself. I’m conscientious of what I eat in the sense of what makes me feel good, rather than what is going to make me fat or not. I exercise and move in a way that is truly enjoyable, not as a form of torture to the body that deserved to be treated a lesson. Most importantly, and this is my biggest lesson for you guys today, I strive to not be involved in the conversation that judges people based on their physical appearances. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me and said something along the lines of “you look great, you look really skinny today”. And while this is a nice compliment, this also stokes my “skinny loving” ego and perpetuates the notion that we have to acknowledge our peers based on how they are looking on that particular day. It puts the importance of appearance over everything else, and we are all so much more than that. We all deserve better.

I would love for all of us to start recognizing how we make each other feel, rather than how we look.

If any of this resonates with you, I share this deep, bit of my story, to let you know that you are not alone.

I want this to serve as a reminder to make it your daily mission to love yourself, take care of yourself, and frankly not give a damn about what other people think about your body.

For everyone else, I’d love if we could start a movement to change the conversation we have around bodies and the judgment thereof. We never truly know what is going on with someone else’s physicality, therefore, how inappropriate is it to blindly pass judgment.

Honor the people in your life for who they are, not what they look like. Notice the beauty that shines from within.

I would love to hear your experiences with this and how you have healed your own body image issues. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and remember you are beautiful and loved just the way you are!

xoxo, Michelle

This Simple Principle Changed My Life

You guys know, I love learning spiritual principles, mastering them, adding them to my toolbox, and subsequently using them to lead a miraculous life. In my years of study, I truly feel like I have learned so much and am so grateful for it. As we all know, the spiritual path can be winding and challenging at times, but we also know, this is where the real treasure is. If life were easy, we wouldn’t learn, we wouldn’t grow, and we wouldn’t recognize the invaluable lessons that enrich our lives daily.

I distinctly remember a point in my life where I was doing the “work.” I started meditating. I did yoga. I drank green juice. I felt like I was doing “it all,” but something still felt off. I wasn’t totally happy, and things were not exactly lining up like I thought they should. As you can imagine, I was frustrated. What was my problem? I was checking all my boxes! One day I was having a conversation with my friend and teacher Gabby Bernstein and I uncovered an underlying core belief that was unraveling my entire spiritual practice.

In this conversation with her, I was having a bit of a pity party on why things weren’t working out, and Gabby asked me, “Do you believe that the Universe has your back?” I really wanted to say yes to that question but deep down, I knew my answer, and it was no. I was faithless, doubtful, and in disbelief that I was being supported by a force greater than myself. The crazy thing about this was that I knew that there was this power constantly working on our behalf, I just thought that somehow it had singled me out, and I was the one person (in the billions of people on this planet) who didn’t have this support. Gabby immediately brought me back to truth in her insistence that I, just like everyone else in this world, am fully guided and supported by the Universe, God, Jesus, Love, Cosmos, Spirit.

The key to feeling this support is that you simply have to be open to it, to ask for it, and to be aware of the messages and signs that you receive in return. There was never a time that I was truly unsupported, I had just closed off to the guidance that was available to me because of my disbelief. Now, I ask for signs, and I receive them because I am aware. I notice patterns and synchronicities. I check in with myself to see how I’m feeling and use my intuition as guidance in partnership with the Universe. I live from the belief that I am fully supported and guided (just like each and every one of you).

In the years since turning on my faith goggles, I have experienced miraculous shifts in my life. I believe, and so my life feels (mostly) like an effortless flow. I don’t feel anxious about how life will turn out because when I surrender and believe, I know that everything will work out exactly as it should. I don’t feel the sense of loneliness that once plagued me because I know that there is that force and spirit always with me. I don’t feel like I need to know the answers to everything in my life because I genuinely love being surprised by the infinite possibilities of what could unfold. I find myself in situations that I could have only dreamed of, and I am constantly being amazed at where life takes me. I owe this all to the principle and the belief of trusting that the Universe always has my back.

I felt called to share this principle with you because I know there are many of you out there who have that feeling like this spiritual stuff works for everyone else, but you just don’t feel it. You feel like the forsaken spiritual student. I want you to know that you aren’t, and that you have the power in your hands to change this dynamic. This is the week where it all will change. Start exercising your faith muscle, and notice the shifts and miracles that will appear in your life.

If you’re wanting to get a deep dive of learning to trust in the Universe, Gabby has just released a beautiful book called The Universe Has Your Back that will guide you on your way to full-fledged faith.

I would love to know your experiences in learning to trust and have faith. Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments below, let me know some of your Universe stories!

xoxo, Michelle

How to be a leader of light

Like so many weeks before, I had another blog planned for you guys this week, an important one, but I’m shelving it to address what I find even more necessary for us to take in right now. If you are living in the United States, you are entrenched in a very divisive, hate-filled, fear-filled, and negative election season. Though name-calling and negative campaigning isn’t anything new, this year feels very, very different. Over the past few months, I have seen and heard things that I truly thought were not even possible for people to say and think. I have watched people attack, separate, and close off. Honestly, this has affected me deeply. This is not the path I want the world to walk. While I am not going to get into taking sides politically speaking, I want to share with you how I cope in this time of great separation.

Though it feels like a very dark time, the light that gets me through is that I truly believe it is our calling to step up, speak our truth, and quite literally, be the light. While we will never be able to control how other people think and speak, we can always lead by example. You guys reading this blog are leaders. You take initiative. You want to live your best life. That is why you’re here at this blog and on sites like these week in and week out. So I place the power in your hands, and leave it up to you, to do your part to turn the tides.

Ready to lead? Let’s go.

1. Remember Your Thoughts and Words Matter. The thoughts we think and the words we speak are incredibly powerful. We have to get to the place where we take responsibility for our thoughts and actions. We are our own spokespeople. How do we represent ourselves out in the world? What are the messages we are trying to portray? Be a part of the solution, not the problem. Center yourself daily so that you can determine what is truth and what is fear. Be present and mindful of your thoughts and emotions. Speak with kindness, compassion, and truth.

2. Monitor what you take in. I have spent more time than I care to admit watching news and reading commentaries. I have also noticed how it has affected my mental state. It makes me irritable and antsy. Keep yourself informed, but don’t go down the rabbit hole. Trust me, it’s dark down there!

3. Have Compassion for Those With Different Views. Not everyone will share your opinions; remember we are all on a different journey. You don’t have to participate in other people’s stories, and it’s ok to set boundaries. Send love from afar, and bless everyone you come in contact with.

4. Act with Integrity. When you become so in tune with yourself, you know what does and does not feel good for you. Just like you’re mindful with your thoughts, be intentional with your actions.

5. Be the change you wish to see. Want the world to change? Start being it. Embody it. Live it, every single day.

I can’t wait to see how you all light up the world. Let us know in the comments how you plan to lead and shine.

xoxo Michelle

3 Simple Ways to Deepen Your Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately; not only reflecting on the close relationships I have in my life, but also how we actually relate with others in the world. Relationships are our biggest assignments in this life. Period. They can be the most rewarding thing we expend our energy on, yet they can also be very challenging. As I continue to reflect on my relationships, I recognize that I am truly grateful for every single one, even the ones that pained me the most. The lessons we learn from relationships are the stepping-stones to leading us to who we truly are.

As we know, we cannot control, change, or manipulate anyone else to act or be as we wish (though sometimes we may really wish we could)! As always, with acceptance, the real work and ultimately true change starts. If you are like me and want to find that place of peace within yourself, and gratitude for those around you I have laid out three simple tips for you this week to help you along your way.

1. Cultivate confidence and love within yourself. I really believe we have to love and accept ourselves first to truly be the best kind of partner in any form of relationship. Everything we do in life stems from the relationship we have with ourselves. Take time daily to honor yourself, to connect with yourself, and to love yourself. There are so many ways you can do this, find a routine that makes you feel good.

2. Be present in all your interactions. We are so distracted these days! I can’t tell you how many times I have been with people I truly love and have spent more time focused on my phone than on the human beings in front of me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t make my loved ones feel good. Make a dedicated effort to be present when you are with people. Look people in the eyes when you are talking to them, smile as you pass by people on the street, be courteous to those around you. I promise, people will appreciate these small gestures, and the love will come back to you tenfold.

3. Recognize the other person is you. We tend to get short, jump to conclusions, and create stories based on the actions of others. Remember, we are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. Remember that we all have said things and done things that maybe were not in alignment with our highest selves. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we are all constantly growing and learning. Have patience with those in your life. Have compassion for those you encounter. Remember we are all here to be the embodiment of love.

I am so grateful for the relationship I have with all of you here! You bring joy to my life.

Let me know your thoughts on relationships in the comments below.

xoxo, Michelle

The #1 Key to Finding Happiness

I was thinking the other day about the things that unify us. What do we all really want? While the answers to that question could have millions of answers, when you dig down deep, ultimately we all just want love and happiness. These are two very basic life needs that seem to get lost when we complicate life. I believe that love comes to us naturally. Love is our basic function and right as humans. When we are the true (and natural) embodiment of love, it naturally comes back to us. It’s just like The Beatles lyric, “The love you take is equal to the love you make.” Love is easy.

Happiness tends to be the elusive goal for many of us. We all want to be happy, but many of us have no idea how to attain it. When I was in Bali unplugged from the world, I thought about this a lot. When you have all the distractions you’re used to running to stripped away, you realize your true level of happiness. There were some days where honestly, I felt a little low. When I sat with myself searching for answers, what immediately came to me felt like the key to it all. I kept hearing over and over again, “Get your mind right, and everything else will fall into place.” It’s so simple yet so profound. I believe our minds truly are the key to our happiness or for many, our lack of it.

The thoughts of the mind are everything. They are powerful, they are creative, and they are what guide us to optimism or down to despair. The mind affects how we react to tragedy, to the mundane, to the brightness, and to the darkness. We don’t have control over what happens externally to us, but we always can control our thoughts and reactions to them. That is the power; that is the key.

Just like anything else, training the mind to think from love is a practice. Every single second of every day we must work towards looking at life through the lens of love. When we derail into fear, we live in chaos. When we see in love, we find peace.

I’ve found many tools in my life that help me stay in the love zone when it comes to my thoughts. With daily meditation, journaling, yoga, and mantra/affirmation repetition and studying the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, I’ve experienced times where I feel true happiness, and when that fades, I know how to bring myself back. Happiness doesn’t have to be elusive or unattainable, we just have to start within, with our thoughts and with our mind. Get your mind right, and everything else will fall into place.

How do you find happiness on a daily basis? Let me know in the comments below! Wishing you a happy day today and always,

xoxo, Michelle

6 Common Habits That Are Holding You Back

If you are reading this blog and frequent our site, chances are you want to live your very best life. Congratulations! Acknowledging and recognizing this is the huge first step in actually doing so. While we all know that healthy and positive habits help us to create the life we desire, there are some habits I’ve been noticing in myself that creep in and hold me back in living my best life. As always, I love sharing with you what I notice in my life, in hopes of helping you with whatever might be going on in yours. Remember life is a journey and a process, it’s never perfect. So long as we are present and aware we can find the happiness and inner peace that we truly desire.

1. Comparing yourself to others. We live in a very competitive world, that pushes us into the mindset that we must always compare ourselves with others. This is such a waste of time! Every single person on this earth has a different path, a different purpose, and a different journey. Own where you are and honor where everyone else is, but don’t ever think you’re less than (or better than) someone. Really just stop.

2. Dwelling on the past. Our minds love to ruminate on things that happened in the past. This is another practice that really is a waste of our precious time. Sure there is always something we could have done better or said differently, but in reality, the past no longer exists. Take the lessons and strive to live in the present moment.

3. Obsessing over the little things. Life is not perfect. Sometimes we can get so caught up in little annoyances and judgments that we forget the big picture of our life, and we get stuck. We cannot control anything in the outer world. Remember to breathe, be curious, and allow life to unfold.

4. Going against your intuition. We are so lucky as human beings to have a sense of intuition. It’s an inner guidance system that tells us how we feel, what we want, where to go and what to do ― if we listen to it. So many times we go against our better judgment, which leads us to places, people and things that aren’t in our best interest. Start listening to and following the voice inside you that always has your highest good at heart.

5. Staying stuck in indifference. Sometimes we get into modes of cruising through life, almost as if we’re on autopilot. Life is meant to be passionately lived. Have you discovered what your passions are? Cultivate a sense of curiosity and joy in your life.

6. Low-balling your life. You have a specific purpose here on this earth. The world would not be the same without you. Take a moment to contemplate that. What message are you here to share? What are you here to do? So many of us have a deep-seeded belief that our lives are not important, and so we set low goals. Dream big! Fulfill your purpose, and make your mark, the world needs you!

I hope naming these habits helps you in becoming aware, choosing differently and living your very best life! I’d love to hear from you! What are some of your self-sabotaging habits you’d like to share with us here! Let me know in the comments below!

xoxo,

Michelle

The #1 Key to Figuring Out Your Purpose

“Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.” Muhammad Ali

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about purpose. Many of us spend so much time searching for our own unique purpose. We ask ourselves what are we here to do, how can we shine, what are my unique gifts? While I was on my trip to Bali, I had many of these thoughts. In fact, I have had iterations of these thoughts running through my brain for a majority of my life. During my time away, I had the intention of becoming still and being silent, so that I could hear the answers that I seek, that I already know are deep within me. When it came to the answers regarding purpose, the resounding answer that repeated throughout my time away, was service.

Once I was able to truly hear this, I picked up on all the signs the Universe was sending me to let me know that this was Truth. What I can say for certain to you this week is that we are all here to be of service. That is our purpose; it really is that simple. Like the Muhammad Ali quote above, when you are in service, no matter how, where, why, and when, you are paying your dues for your membership in this life. The really cool thing about service; it is limitless and boundless in the form that it takes, so your version of service and my version of service might not look exactly the same, but it still has equal value. We are here to carry out certain tasks, and so, it’s up to us to use the clues from the Universe to figure out what those tasks are. Remember, it’s a blessing and a miracle to be living, breathing human beings on this earth at this time; service is our offering of gratitude.

If you are in agreement with me, and think this all sounds fantastic, but are still feeling lost on how you intend to serve, I’ve got good news for you on that as well. Below are 5 of my favorite tips for getting you on your path to purpose.

1. Connect with (your version) of a Higher Power daily. Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Magic, or Science, come to terms with the idea that YOU living here on this massive planet, floating through space, is truly a miracle. Take time to connect daily with the Higher Power you believe in to simply remember this magnificence. I choose to do this in meditation, feel free to find a practice that suits you.

2. Connect with yourself daily. Take time every day to truly get to know yourself. Take a look at how your mind works, how your body moves, how your intuition talks to you, and how you live. Become an expert on yourself. My practices in doing so are daily journaling, yoga, mindfulness, and meditation.

3. Cultivate a practice of curiosity and surrender. I say this prayer daily before starting my day: “Where would You have me go? What would You have me do? What would You have me say, and to whom?” It is a prayer from the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles. I find that by simply reciting this prayer, I automatically am surrendering and opening to the possibilities of the highest good.

4. Follow your passions and what feels good. When we are participating in things that light us up, we are happier, more at ease, and less stressed, which has a ripple effect on those around us. Get into the routine of finding and creating joyful habits in your life.

5. Live as the full embodiment of love. If all else fails, practice being love in every situation, in every day. Ask yourself, “How can I be more loving?” This has been my intention day in and day out, and it fills me with an immense sense of purpose and fulfillment.

I hope this serves as inspiration for you to go out there and live your purpose! Let me know how you plan on impacting your world today in the comments below! You guys are amazing.

xoxo, Michelle

10 Day Digital Detox: The Ups, Downs, & How You Can Do It Too!

Hi everyone!

I’m so happy to be back with you this week! You may have noticed that I’ve been away for the past few weeks. I just returned home from three amazing weeks I spent unplugged, in Bali. While I’ll delve into what I learned on my adventures later on, this week I wanted to get into the impetus of my trip and share a super important life lesson that I experienced and will incorporate into my post-Bali life.

I have been consistently writing a weekly blog here for four years (never missing a single week)! Over time, I have taken major pride in creating new content, without fail every single week… until recently. A few months ago, I started to feel a little burned out and uninspired, which are feelings that I know come up when you’re living a creative life. In that time I started to get a hit that I needed some extended time to unplug and reconnect to myself.

As much as I knew this to be true, I was also terrified of what unplugging truly meant. How could I not put out content for the weeks I would be away? Would people forget about me? Would anyone care once I returned? As you know the mind can be a tricky place to reside. Despite all these fearful thoughts, I knew this was something that I had to do, and I was up for the challenge.

For 10 days, I remained completely unplugged from the outside world. No email, TV, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, Netflix… none of it!

Here’s what happened…

– I recognized just how addicted to technology I truly was. The first few days were super challenging, and they forced me to really take a look at my mindset surrounding being connected with the rest of the world. I noticed that I was constantly counting down to the day I could go back to “normal.” I then realized how crazy this was, brought myself back to the present, and reframed my purpose for doing this detox.

– I was able to see just how my mind works. I truly thought I was a pretty zen, chilled out person, until I took my phone away. We all do spiritual work on our minds, but what happens when you take away all the distractions? What does your mind do when it’s completely free? Where does your mind go? I was really blown away by the thoughts (not always positive) that my mind fell back on when it didn’t have something to distract it with.

– Because I could see where my undistracted mind went, I was able to really work through and process some deep-seeded feelings, emotions, traumas, and thoughts. Without a distraction to go to when I didn’t want to deal with an unpleasant thought, I was forced to look at each and every one that popped up. This is something I think we rarely do when we have the ability to jump to something more pleasant.

– I was able to be truly present to the people who were actually around me. How many times do we have conversations with people while simultaneously looking at our phones or checking our computers? The gift of being present, with people I didn’t even know, allowed me to form close bonds and friendships that I will truly cherish. It allowed me to feel genuinely invested in what each person was saying, and I know I wouldn’t have felt this as much had the option of checking my phone from time to time been there.

– I felt a strong connection to nature and the environment that surrounded me. When you are not distracted, you notice the beauty of the bird hopping around next to you, the way the wind blows through the trees, or the smell of the flowers nearby. Your senses are heightened because you are giving presence to them.

– I was able to distinguish my thoughts from the outside information I took in. Have you ever contemplated where some of your thoughts come from? When I wasn’t taking in any new content from the external world, I was able to truly see my own thoughts and beliefs. When we are constantly taking in other people’s thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, it naturally influences our own. Because of this, I felt that I was truly able to learn about myself and connect with myself on a much deeper level.

– I had more energy and slept so much better. We know that staring at screens all day drains our energy. I even took a picture when I was gone to see if I could notice a difference in my eyes and my face while away from technology. Let’s just say there was a definite difference.

In this time away, I deeply realized that all that truly matters is the present moment, and everything that’s happening right now. Sure there are majorly pressing issues happening all around us, but when we are able to manage what’s directly in front of us, then we can be more useful when facing life’s challenges in the external world.

Taking time away from technology changed my life, changed how I think, and changed how I hope to spend each moment here on earth. I’m sure many of you are thinking, this sounds great, but what if we don’t have 10 days to disconnect? You can incorporate this into your daily life, but like anything else, it’s a practice!

Here are some ways you can unplug, yet stay on the grid in day-to-day life:

– Give yourself a limit of how many times you’ll check email and social media. Find a number that’s doable yet not totally relaxed.

– Put your phone completely away during times when you desire to be truly present. For example, this may be: at meals, while driving, at the gym, when with loved ones, etc.

– Try to keep your devices out of your bedroom, and avoid looking at your screens before bedtime.

– Read printed copies of books and magazines rather than on Kindles and iPads.

– Take a full day off of all technology every once in a while to give your mind, body, and spirit a break.

I truly missed being here with you and hope you have enjoyed a peek into my time away. I promise (from my personal experience!) that these tips will help you in unplugging to reconnect back with yourself. Please share your thoughts in the comments below; I would love to hear from you!

xoxo, Michelle

4 Ways to Detoxify from Dysfunctional Relationships

We all have relationships that can be difficult. It is especially hard to heal from unhealthy relationships with people who are very close to us such as family members. Here are four things to remember to help you detoxify from dysfunctional relationships:

1. Don’t take things personally.

When someone invades, abandons, or abuses you, it is never about you. It is always about them. Although their behavior is not about you, be present to your emotional response. Learn how to recognize negative relationship patterns. Feel free to reach out for support, and work with any anger or resentment.

2. Realize you can’t fix it.

You cannot change another person. The only way that another person can change is if they truly desire to change. Although you cannot expect another person’s behavior to change, the energy of the situation will change when you no longer accept the negative behavior. This changes you.

At the end of the day, it is important to accept people for who they are. We think if we are kind enough, patient enough, generous enough, beautiful enough, that people will change or treat us well. It is important to speak your truth but have zero expectations that the other person will change.

If they are not treating you well, and they are not taking steps change their behavior, you can decide to send them your love from afar, and give yourself enough space where they cannot continue to abuse you. When dealing with someone who you love but cannot fix, this doesn’t have to impact your love for them. Send good energy to that person through prayer, meditation, or any other way you feel connected to the universe.



3. Set clear boundaries.



Realize that setting boundaries can be for greatest good of everyone. When setting your boundaries ask yourself, am I setting boundaries that honor everyone, or am I trying to control the situation? Am I taking care of myself in the boundaries that I am setting, or am I making the situation less free than it needs be?

There are times when we must practice the art of compromise. It is important to compromise on things that do not diminish you but enhance the whole. Always make sure you aren’t denying you.

4. Don’t feel bad about it.

We all have had relationships that we struggle with, whether with family members, romantic partners, friends, or co-workers. It’s been said, people come into our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime. Remember there are many people who are here for just a season to teach us something. Do not feel bad if someone is not meant to be in your life forever.

For all of you who are mothers, we often carry a lot of stuff that we don’t realize we are carrying. We can hold a tremendous amount of guilt from trying to be a perfect parent. It is difficult when there is a strained relationship between a parent and child. Simply noticing and naming the feelings that come up for you around these strained relationships can start to untie the knots and release the pain.

Dysfunctional relationships are layered, and it can take time to heal from them. The first place to start transforming your relationships is with yourself. Notice your own emotional reactions and behaviors, feel what comes up for you, and be patient with yourself. Take care of yourself, and reach out to others for as much support as you need.

Much love,

Barb

4 Ways to Deal with Controlling People

We all have or have had people in our lives who try to control us. We can not control anything in life but ourselves. Likewise, we never have to be at the mercy of someone else trying to control us. Here are four techniques that I have been using for decades to free myself from controlling people:

1. Keep your cool.

If someone is trying to pressure you into doing something that they want you to do, take a deep breath and tell them, “Let me get back to you,” or “I need time to think about it.” Then you can change the subject with a simple question such as, “What did you do over the weekend?” Often we feel like we need to respond right away, but when someone is trying to control you, it can be helpful to give yourself space to think over your response. Remember, your calmness is your power. Don’t let people believe that they can get under your skin.



2. Choose your battles.

Your time is valuable. Decide which battles do you really want to take on. It’s probably not worth getting worked up about someone who is honking at you to drive faster. However, if your partner wants you to give up something you really love to do, you could say, “Let’s have a conversation about it.”

3. Realize it’s not personal.

When people are trying to control you it is about their own issues and has nothing to do with you. It is important to feel confident and secure in yourself during these interactions and not take their behavior towards you personally. Sometimes when controlling people realize that they can no longer control you, they may try to control how other people think about you by spreading false information. Remember that in the end the truth always comes out, and others will recognize the source of this misinformation.

4. Use an affirmation to intercept doubt and negativity.

If someone is not treating you respectfully, do not be a doormat. Know that you have the right to set your own priorities. You have the right to say no. Reach out to others for support and a healthy perspective on the situation if needed. One positive affirmation I like use to when dealing with controlling people is, “Every decision I make is right for me.” It can be helpful to remind yourself that you know what is in your best interest and own your power to decide what works you.

Often times people try to control others because they do not feel secure in their environment, so they try to assert their power. Remember that controlling behavior comes from a place of insecurity and fear. You can send these people your compassion (perhaps from afar) without enabling their behavior or trying to fix them.