Edward Hoornaert's Blog, page 76

Effing Feline, NaNoWriMo # 1

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, the Most Literary Cat in the Entire Universe (c), have watched in exaspurration as my pet human, Edward Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine, wastes time writing a novel in a month. Do you have any idea how little he’s petted me?  The man is falling down on his job.

In retaliation, I’m switching from a thoroughly edited excerpt to a raw ten sentences, written in just the last week and not yet edited. That’ll show you, Mr V.

The heroine, Dusty, is a tech writer working with alien humans (Kwadrans) on a interstellar spaceship prototype. The installation is evacuated following a bomb threat. Dusty thinks she knows where on the ship the bomb is hidden, and she’s risking her life to find it.

So is someone else.

It was a man—or rather, a man’s legs, stuck in the tunnel leading to the bomb; apparently one lone security guard felt that duty overrode fear.  Dusty shone her flashlight on him.  “What are you doing?”

“Take my pants off.”

Dusty blinked in surprise.  “As pickup lines go, that one’s really horrible.”

“An American female,” he said with a groan.  “Spirits save me.”

“A Kwadran male with an attitude problem.  God save me.”

Effing Feline again. A time bomb is ticking, he’s trapped because his pants are caught on something — and they’re spouting their prejudices against each other. Idiots.

Mr V tentatively titles this work Alien Contact for Heroines, but ‘heroines’ is just plain wrong. If Dusty gets killed by this bomb, who’ll pet her cat? Repeat after me, humans: a heroine is a woman who prioritizes petting and feeding her cat.

Make sure you read the snippets by other great weekend writing warriors.

Alien Contact for Heroines will be Book 4 in the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Book 3 is currently with beta readers.

Alien Contact for Idiots

What’s a woman gonna do when she’s quarantined for three weeks with an Out-of-this-World alien?
Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing bloodthirsty rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her … or is he kidnapping her, instead?

SFR Brigade Showcase: Escapee

Once a month the Science Fiction Romance Brigade authors showcase snippets from new releases, works in progress, cover reveals or other fun things. Check out all of this month’s participants.

The African Queen in Outer Space?

It was t.s. elliott who said, “Good writers borrow, great writers steal.” I’m not sure if I borrowed or stole — probably borrowed, because I’m not a great writer — but my upcoming release is unabashedly based on the 1951 movie, The African Queen.

The movie is a classic that stills draws raves.  On Rotten Tomatoes, it has an astonishing 100% positive rating.  If you haven’t seen it, you should treat yourself.

Since I was young, I’ve always admired the movie’s blend of adventure, romance, and heroism in the face of overwhelming odds.  So I decided to retell the story, setting it on an inhospitable moon, rather than the African Jungle.

I reversed the sexes of the romantic leads and added some secondary characters. If I didn’t tell you my book was based on the African Queen, you’d probably never notice.

But I don’t care if you know my little secret. Just don’t tell anyone, okay?

“This is really good!”

Lately I’ve been working with one of the fine developmental editors at MuseItUp Publishing on Escapee, which is what I call my African Queen. One of her comments chuffed me up something fierce. At the end of the build-up to the book’s first love scene, she commented, “This is really good!”  With an exclamation point, like the cherry atop a hot fudge sundae.

Here’s the passage between Catt, my lower-class heroine who was abused as a youngster, and Hank, my wealthy career soldier.

What she needed, deserved, was love. And, in order to banish forever the nightmares haunted by the hoary Sir Orlinder, she needed to be in control.

She pulled away from the kiss. Stepped back. He reached for her.

“Take off your clothes,” she said breathlessly.

Passion ruled his eyes. Maybe no other words might have stopped him from embracing her right then. But those words did.

He complied, with haste. If he looked wonderful in a ratty old uniform, he looked far better out of it. Her mouth went dry. He reached for her.

“No,” she said. “Sit on the couch.”

He cocked his head to one side, studying her face. Whatever he read there convinced him to sit, but he sighed. “One of us is naked.”

“Believe it or not, I noticed that.”

“My point is only one of us is naked.”

“Why, I do believe you’re right. How did that happen?”

“And when is it going to unhappen? Catt, you’re torturing me.” His face sobered, which was the last thing she wanted. “Or it that all that you’re trying to do? Tease and torture because you still think I’m a patroon and share the responsibility for your father’s death?”

She swallowed hard. His words struck too close to a truth that lurked in the bowels of her mind. Sir Orlinder—and, perhaps more important, a lifetime of class-consciousness—still lived in the shadowed recesses of her mind. She hesitated.

“You’re playing with a live grenade,” he warned.

She glanced at his midsection, where the grenade—with an enticingly large pin—resided. Yes, very much alive, and as dangerous as a grenade.

“You like looking?” he asked.

Her lips were dry. She licked them.

“What else do you like, Catt?”

Sir Orlinder had always told her what to do. Use your mouth like this. Lie there and spread your legs. Always, he was in charge. She wanted to change that, but even if Hank was patient enough to let her try, she had no idea what to do.

“What do you need me to do?” he asked.

“I need…” With small but deliberate steps, she edged toward him and then stopped an arm’s distance away. “I need you to teach me what I like.”

Learn more about Escapee .
Check out the other great writers involved in the SFR Brigade Showcase.

Bookstores I Love: Barnes and Noble

Is any kind of store more important to a writer than bookstores? Absolutely not! That’s why I’m writing this series on bookstores I love.

Today’s post gets a disclaimer. The other stores I’ve hyped have all been independents, but today’s is a chain. Not only that, but a mega-chain. However, I have a particular Barnes and Noble in mind, so that makes it all right. (Hey, this is my blog, so I make up the rules.)

I’m lucky enough to have a B&N outlet half a mile from my house. For several years, I cut through the parking lot while walking to work. Nowadays I sometimes walk my dog, Twiggles, to B&N and sit for a few minutes in front of the store. I couldn’t do that with my previous dog, because he’d go ballistic whenever anyone tried to walk into the store. Twiggles, however, is friendly and well behaved.

My most recent purchase at B&N was The Annotated Persuasion, which is part of David Shapard’s series of annotated Jane Austen books.  This is the third of Shappard’s tomes I’ve read, following Pride and Prejudice and Emma.

As with the other annotated editions, The Annotated Persuasion explains many small nuances I would otherwise miss. For example, Shapard points out words that have changed meaning, even if only slightly such as liberal, by which Austen meant cultivated, refined, or generous.

Upon occasion, Shapard inserts an editorial opinion, clearly identified as such. He points out, for example, a couple of passages that people have felt that Austen would’ve amended, had  her health been better. One is the extreme overkill in Mr. Elliot’s evil past, when any one of his misdeeds would have been enough to disqualify him as a suitor. Another is the head-scratching subplot between him and Mrs.Clay. I thought it was just me who didn’t understand what was going on, but I am not alone.

The novel’s text appears on left page, with annotations for the page on the right, as shown below:

All in all, I recommend Shapard’s annotated series for anyone who yearns for more Austen, because reading such a tome is a different, deeper experience than reading the original.

Barnes and Noble has so many books that it’s impossible for me to fail to find something I’d love to read, each and every visit. The next time you visit the store, tell them I sent you.

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Check out other Bookstores I Love. What about you? What bookstores do you love? Tell us in the comments.

Top Ten Tuesdays, 11/03/15

Top Ten Tuesdays are hosted by The Broke and The Bookish, and feature lists related to all things bookish–characters, authors, titles, and favorites. They’re an excellent way to find new interesting books on a variety of topics, and to find bloggers that love the books you do.

Today’s theme is “Top Ten Debut Authors Who Have Me Looking Forward To Their Sophomore Novel (because when you love a debut you just are ITCHING to get your hands on the author’s second book) or Top Ten Sophomore Novels That I Loved Just As Much If Not More As The Author’s Debut (no one hit wonders heeeere!)”

Unfortunately, this is a tough one for me. The question makes some assumptions:

That I read a lot of first novels.
That I follow the latest releases.

Neither assumption applies to me. I’m much more likely to read a novel published a hundred years ago than one published a month ago.

Therefore, I’m altering this week’s theme to “First books I happened to read that made me want to read more.” These are not necessarily the author’s first book.  In fact, only two of them are.  I’ll start with those two.

A Lady Awakened, by Cecelia Grant. The author’s first book is so good that I’ve read everything she’s written since.  It’s a Regency romance, but don’t let that stop you; Grant is a marvelous wordsmith, worth reading for her prose alone.  Combine that with top-notch historical research, and we have an author I highly recommend.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert M. Pirsig.  Published over 40 years ago, this is an oldie but goodie.  It made enough of an impression on me that I read Pirsig’s second book, Lila, when it came out decades later.

The other books I picked  up in the middle of the authors’ career.

Wild Geese Calling, by Stewart Edward White. My parents got this from a book club.  Most of the books were classics, such as The Moonstone, David Copperfield, Tom Jones, etc, but this book was from 1940. I loved it. Still do. It’s a highly realistic tale of wilderness life on my beloved Pacific Northwest Coast (even though I live in Arizona now). For years I couldn’t find anything else by White, but now his complete works are available from Amazon.

Beat to Quarters, by C.S. Forester. This is the fifth in the eleven-book Hornblower saga, but the first I read. Since then, I’ve read them all. I read Forester’s African Queen as well, in preparation for writing a science fiction version of it (called Escapee, due out early in the new year), but the book isn’t nearly as good as the movie. The book’s more interested in the boat than the people.

Calculating God, by Robert J. Sawyer. By happy chance, I read this science fiction novel on the plane to Toronto.  It’s set in Toronto’ the Royal Ontario Museum, but I didn’t know that. Nor did I know that the ROM was almost directly across from our hotel. All I knew was that I loved Sawyer’s brand of speculation. Later, I got to know Rob and was impressed that he took positions he didn’t agree with, such as Intelligent Design, and then figured out ways (frequently wild!) that they could be believable. That’s what I call intellectual honesty.

The Silver Rose, by Jane Feather. This novel transcends its genre, historical romance, like the International Space Station transcends the Wright brother’s airplane. It’s literature, folks. Unfortunately, other books I’ve read by Feather, are planted firmly in their genre…and while there’s nothing wrong with that, they’ve been a tad disappointing.

Jane and the Canterbury Tale, by Stephanie Barron. The concept–turning Jane Austen into a detective–sounds horrible, to me at least.  I don’t like rip-offs, the worst of which has to be Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Yucky, yucky, yucky!  But this one works. The research is top notch and the stories entertaining. Each book focuses on a different aspect of Austen’s life, and I come away feeling I’ve gotten to know her. I haven’t read the entire series yet, but I’m getting there.

Be sure to check out other bloggers’ top ten lists.

Smardy Kat #4

View other Smardy Kat posts.

View posts by Smardy’s cousin, Effing Feline.

What about you?  Do you have links to any good science-related jokes?

Effing Feline gets tipsy

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, the Most Literary Cat in the Entire Universe (c), proudly present another snippet from The Trial of Tompa Lee, by my pet human, Edward Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine.

The last few scenes have highlighted the confrontations between Tompa Lee and Dante Roussel. I’m skipping ahead to a later scene. After running out of water, they’ve partaken of the only liquid available to them — aphrodisiac wine.

“I’m drunk,” she wailed.

Dante just nodded.

She ran both hands over her face, which tingled and yearned under the touch. She jerked the guilty hand away from her flesh. When she glanced up, he was staring at her with burning eyes—yet he remained as motionless as Bez-Tattin’s statue.

Oh, God. The maggot was going to force her to make the first move, stripping her of even the self-righteous fury of the raped.

Her body felt strange, as though it had decided to throw off the yoke of her mind. She rose to her feet and stepped toward him, agonizingly aware of her thighs rubbing each other.

Effing Feline again. This snippet reminds me of that time I played too long with my catnip mouse. Hoo-wee, that was one wild night! I’d tell you all about it, but … but … I don’t remember anything.  :-(

Make sure you read the snippets by other great weekend writing warriors.

<<  ===  >>

The first book in The Trilogy of Tompa Lee is free. Yes, FREE!

Some of the Five Star Amazon reviews of The Trial of Tompa Lee:

“…superbly written, well-paced Science Fiction”

“…lots of actions, thrills, suspense and drama. It is riveting right through to the end.”

“Another one I couldn’t put down. It is 7:30 in the morning. Read this in one sitting.”

“…a must read – I was so drawn in that I couldn’t stop reading this story of Tompa Lee until it was over.”

Top Ten Halloween Themes

The Top Ten Tuesday meme is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish. This week is a freebie, as long as it has a Halloween theme. I have not one Halloween theme, but ten!

Here are my top ten pieces of Halloween music. As always, they’re in no particular order, except for the first one, which is indeed Number One in my book.

1. The Devil’s Dance, by John Williams. In my opinion,this is the most demonic music ever written, and my favorite piece by Williams, which is saying a lot.  It’s from the movie The Witches of Eastwick”, so it has a literary connection.

2. Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Mr. Wonder wants us to ignore talk of broken mirrors and walking under ladders. “Superstition ain’t the way,” he preaches in this 1972 song, but there’s something about that funk that still sounds almost… spooky.

3. A Night on Bald Mountain, by Modest Moussorgsky. This orchestral music about a witches’ sabbath ends with bells signalling the arrival of the holy day and the end of the infernal reverie. Disney made a great rendition of it for Fantasia.

4. Monster Mash, by Bobby “Boris” Pickett & the Crypt-Kickers.  This moldy oldie has been on Halloween playlists for over 50 years.

5. Funeral March of the Marionettes, by Gounod. I’m dating myself, but I still think of this as the theme song from Alfred Hitchcock Presents on television.

6. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, by Paul Dukas. This is another piece Disney used in Fantasia, although he robs it of most of the creepy factor by giving Mickey Mouse the starring role. The music is based on Goethe’s balladic poem Der Zauberlehrling, so there’s a literary connection here.

7. Thriller, by Michael Jackson. Is there anyone out there who doesn’t know this song and its music video? My two-year-old grandson, I suppose.

8. Dance Macabre, by Camille Saint-Saens. The xylophone plays the part of bones dancing around a graveyard. Cool stuff.

9. Spooky, by Dusty Springfield. I’ve never been able to make up my mind if this song is sexy or spooky. You decide.

10 Hedwig’s Theme from Harry Potter, by John Williams. We started this list with John Williams, and now we come full circle.

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Do you have any favorite Halloween music? Tell us about it in the comments.

And be sure to take a look at the Halloween posts from other creative bloggers on Top Ten Tuesday.

Smardy Kat #3

Smardy Kat here. Today I continue my weekly humour series with a chemistry joke.

(BTW, did you see what I did there?  “Humour?” British spellings make me seem more smardier, don’t you think?)

View other Smardy Kat posts.

View posts by Smardy’s cousin, Effing Feline.

What about you?  Do you have links to any good science jokes?

Effing Feline suggests scratching

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, the Most Literary Cat in the Entire Universe, proudly present another snippet from The Trial of Tompa Lee, by my pet human, Edward Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine.

This scene follows soon after last week’s snippet, in which Tompa Lee violently refused help from Dante Roussel, the Space Navy policeman who disobeyed orders to come to her aid in a trial by combat. Dante has studied satellite photos of the island, and tries to tell her the best way to escape the 300 accusers who want to kill her.

Dante watched Tompa and the Shon head upstream. She didn’t want his help and he suspected she wouldn’t use the directions he’d given her. “Remember, take the tributary on the left, and when you get to the collapsed bridge, follow the road toward the volcano.”

Without missing a step, she glared at him over her shoulder and said, “Screw you.”

“Once the road starts to climb the mountain, it gets narrow. The Shons can’t overwhelm you with sheer numbers the way they can down here. Please believe me, there’s no other place where the topography works so much in your favor.”

She picked up a fist-sized rock and threw it. He didn’t bother to duck; she threw like a girl, and the rock thudded to the ground ten feet in front of him. A small cloud of dust marked its landing, a pitiful echo of the mushroom cloud she undoubtedly would have preferred.

I’d thought Tompa was smart, but this proves she’s as dumb as most human beings (i.e., really dumb). Any cat could tell her to scratch, not throw!

Speaking of intelligent cats, check out the weekly humor from my cousin Smardy Kat.

And finally, make sure you read the snippets by other great weekend writing warriors.

<<  ===  >>

The first book in The Trilogy of Tompa Lee is free. Yes, FREE!

Some of the Five Star Amazon reviews of The Trial of Tompa Lee:

“…superbly written, well-paced Science Fiction”

“…lots of actions, thrills, suspense and drama. It is riveting right through to the end.”

“Another one I couldn’t put down. It is 7:30 in the morning. Read this in one sitting.”

“…a must read – I was so drawn in that I couldn’t stop reading this story of Tompa Lee until it was over.”

Bookstores I love … a nation-wide contest

Is any kind of store more important to a writer than bookstores? Of course not! That’s why this series on bookstores we love.

Of course, I’m not the only one who loves bookstores. Here’s a link to a nationwide contest for the best bookstore in the country. This annual competition is conducted by Publishers Weekly.

Here’s how a Washington Post article on the contest starts:

The five finalists hoping to be named Bookstore of the Year look like impossibly unequal competitors. Located in big cities and small towns from Florida to Washington state, some of them are multi-store giants, while others are little sanctuaries.

The only one of this year’s finalists I’ve been to is Powell’s Book in Portland. Here are the contest’s five finalists:

Books & Books, Coral Gables, Fla.

A crowd waited in a line eight blocks long to meet President Clinton at Books & Books in 2004. (Susie Horgan)

Left Bank Books, St. Louis

Inside Left Bank Books in St. Louis, Mo. (Courtesy of Left Bank Books)

McLean & Eakin, Petoskey, Mich.

McLean & Eakin in Petoskey, Mich. (Courtesy of McLean & Eakin)

Powell’s Books, Portland, Ore.

Powell’s Books in Portland, Ore. (Courtesy of Powell’s Books)

See also my post about Powell’s flagship store from a recent visit to Portland.

Village Books & Paper Dreams, Bellingham, Wash.

Village Books & Paper Dreams in Bellingham, Wash. (Courtesy of Village Books)

Have you been to any of these fine bookstores? If you could nominate a bookstore for this contest, what store would it be?

Be sure to check out other bookstores I love.