Carl Elliott's Blog

Woe unto you, scribes and pharisees! Dr. BFD at Harvard

"O sinner! Consider the fearful danger you are in: 'tis a great furnace of wrath, a wide and bottomless pit...."

Carl will be at Harvard Thursday, to rage against the wicked, and to peddle a six-year-old, mostly forgotten book of stolen ideas.  If you go, you can probably get a remainder-bin copy out of the crate he pathetically carries around with him – Or better yet, just use that money to buy some hog urine.

Book spoiler alert: Carl doesn't like it when other people make money. Good thing he's doing this whole shebang for free; otherwise he'd look like a hypocrite."

Letter of reprimand – Carl Elliott

From the desk of:

Dr. Professor The Ethicator, Esq.

Dr. Carl Elliott, BFD

Department of Bioethics or some shit

University of Minnesota

Re:  Your failures

Dear "Dr" Elliott:

I am writing this letter to reprimand you for your significant acts of unprofessional conduct. After careful review of the facts surrounding your case, and what you consider to be your scholarship, I have concluded that you are a lying plagiarist and a bad older brother. I refer in particular to the following:

For five years now, and on multiple occasions, you used a younger sibling as primary source of information for one of your of your recent books. Remember those emails? Yet, when confronted with incontrovertible evidence of your fabrication, you consistently refuse to rectify the error through contacting your publishers, your interviewers and the attendees of all your lectures since 2005 and informing them of your brother's contributions and intellectual superiority. Instead, you persist in advancing the wildly implausible theory that you wrote everything yourself. This is unfortunate.

In September of 2010, you badgered and cajoled same family member into building a website for your book. Aside from suffering deep humilation and ostracism from key business partners due to your maniacal, pharma-bashing rage; said family member was never compensated for his work. It's unfortunate that all this has escalated to the point of our calling your house late at night with airhorns over the phone, and photoshopping wolfman heads onto your faculty portrait, but them's the breaks. Pay, up, say uncle and it's over. Your move.

Your conduct in this matter significantly departs from the expectations of an ethicist and of an Elliott family member. Seriously, you are fucking up the family brand, big time. You're reprimanded, fucker – suck on that.

Warm regards,

The Ethicator

Dear Ethicator: Should I bite the hand that feeds me?

Dear Ethicator,

I just scored a sweet little contract to investigate a client accused of wrongdoing. I've been assured it's nothing much, just a quick check to make sure all their current practices are on the up-and-up.  It's going to be forward-looking; no need to dig too deep into the past, apparently. The thing is, this is all making me a little nervous.  What if I find that something really, really wrong is going on? What do I do then? I mean, I make my living off this stuff. I know I'm supposed to do a good job, but what if I say something that makes people never want to hire me again? How do I do my job in a way that keeps me employed?

Conscientious

Dear Conscientious,

Why does everybody just assume that taking on an ethics gig requires them to become a sanctimonious, industry-bashing nutball? (Ok, don't tell me, I already know.)  Anyway, I'll say it again: You've got the profession all wrong.   Being one of the good guys often means knowing how to keep the bad guys  coming back for more. It's a delicate balance, but you can do it. Many of us have.

I'm reminded of an email that an elderly friend  passed on to me and a few hundred other people, about this tribe in Africa, where apparently they have an unusual way of dealing with crime:

When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done.

The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as GOOD, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness.

But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes. The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help. They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he’d temporarily been disconnected: “I AM GOOD”.

Think about that for a moment, and ask yourself: Doesn't your client deserve the same? When that terrible moment comes, and you find out your benefactors have truly screwed the pooch, maybe you just need to put this in the context of your client's inherent, abiding goodness.

As they say, you've got to love yourself first.  And let's face it: Sometimes, exploiting sick people for money is just a cry for help. So consider being like those African tribespeople:  Take some time to remind your clients of every good thing they have ever done in their lives; bring witnesses to tell them the same.   Sing your clients praises at every event you can put together:   Press conferences.  State fair booths.  Infomercials.   And finally, do your absolute best to crush and humiliate all the sanctimonious weasels and vermin who would tell the public otherwise. But above all, bathe your clients in the warmth of that simple, homely reminder: “I AM GOOD.”

Face it, nobody listens to a scold.  Positivity is the key. That exoneration you are about to write?  Think of it as aspirational.

And above all, remember: You are one of the good guys. Otherwise, nobody would have given you the title. Sleep well.

You're welcome,

The Ethicator.

Ethicator seeks intern

New Opening!

Exciting opportunity for graduate students, newly minted Ph.Ds and ABDs with limited options to acquire hands-on experience bringing exploitative, bullying plagiarists to justice.

The Ethicator Foundation is a non-profit advocacy group dedicated to bringing honesty and integrity to the academic world, and ending impunity for ethicists who steal ideas.

Are you the ideal candidate for this position?  If so, you are a bold, truth-telling trailblazer with a passion for justice. You fear no one, least of all Big Ethics. A fiercely independent thinker, you tenaciously support the Ethicator Foundation's ideals of academic honesty and full compensation for web developers, and an end to academic bullying from siblings.  Above all else, you are passionate about bringing down cheapskate plagiarist shitheads.

Your responsibilities will include: Daily meetings with the Ethicator (late morning to early afternoon, depending on when I wake up); some routine opposition research, in the form of database searches and some surveillance; and a limited amount of landscaping, laundry and pet care. Work runs 50-70 hours per week, depending on your level of dedication.

This volunteer post offers hands-on experience with a top expert in the field, not to mention the prospect of excellent references from Carl's enemies. There is also the possibility of some future remuneration in the event that Carl ever pays up. If you are interested, please send your resume to: info@whitecoatblackhat.com.

The Ethicator is an equal opportunity employer.  We are dedicated to a safe, secure, non-threatening work environment and I never get handsy.

Dear Ethicator: Do we really need ethicists?

Dear Ethicator,

I am a hard-working, dedicated researcher at one of our country's top pharmaceutical labs. We're working on a promising new antidepressant and we're pretty excited. You didn't hear this from me, but the side effects profile is pretty sweet: Euphoria, bursts of extreme productivity, extraordinary sexual prowess and a diminished need for sleep. Plus, we haven't had an adverse event in nearly three weeks. This could be big.

As far as I can see, we've only got one thing to worry about: Big Ethics. I know we're supposed to get these people involved at some point, but seriously: Can't we just get some momentum going before the buzzkill brigade heads onto the cable news shows and tells everybody they're all better off lazy, impotent and miserable? I'd rather just skip them altogether. Or maybe I could just hire one to make the others go away? What do you think?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Do you need an ethicist? You bet your ass you need an ethicist. Did you seriously think you were just going to waltz in with some wonder drug and not give any of my people a taste?

Besides:  You've got ethics all wrong. Questioning the value of your drug is not even remotely within the scope of our mandate.  We're here to stimulate discussion and frame the issues; the rest is up to you.   If your ethicists are hurting your bottom line, well, you are talking to the wrong ethicists.   An experienced pro will know what to ask.  Check these out:

Is it ethical to deny people your drug, once we know how awesome it is?
Are we harming the public by requiring this drug undergo more testing, instead of just saying "fuck it" and putting it right in the water supply?
What should our moral stance be toward the idiots and crazies who refuse to take your drug?  Is it wrong to post their home phone numbers online, or did these people give up their right to privacy the moment they started jeopardizing public health?

See what I mean? This is where our profession starts showing practical value.  Kick a little up to the right ethicist, and you'll start hearing all the good questions, the type that get people crashing down pharmacy doors.

All I'm saying is: I'm on your side. It sounds to me  like you've got a kick-ass drug on your hands, and it would really be a shame, hypothetically speaking, if anything happened to it. An ethicist can help you navigate those waters.

And remember: You asked me first. We both know what that means.

You're welcome,

The Ethicator

The Ethicator’s next marketing venture

Devoted followers will know that I've been seeking ways to monetize the runaway success of my blog. I'm excited to say that I've just caught the eye of a highly coveted Internet marketing firm in the UK. I've left out the names, but as you can see, things look very promising.

If you've got a product to sell and want in on this action, email me at info@whitcoatblackhat.com.

----------------------------------------------------------

From:                      

To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com

Subject: Enquiry regarding Whitecoatblackhat.com

Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2012 10:25:32 +0800

Hi Carl,

I work for                   ; a UK based Digital Marketing Consultancy.

We represent clients interested in social media marketing on smaller sites with little or no existing advertising and we're currently looking for advertising partners.

We pay a fixed upfront annual fee which we will agree on with you. Once the ad is in place, payment is made within approximately 48 hours.

Would you be interested in placing a small text-based ad on Whitecoatblackhat.com?

Kind regards,

            

--------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:08:32 +0000

From:                      

To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com

Subject: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Hi Carl,

I'm not sure if you recall, but I recently sent you some details regarding placing a text advert on your site. I was wondering whether you'd given it any thought. You're probably very busy, but it seemed sensible to send you a quick email.

That said, sometimes emails get flagged as spam, so I'm also making sure I'm not ending up in your junk mail by mistake, as it does sometimes happen! If you've any questions, please feel free to let me know, I'm here to help.

Many thanks,

            

-------------------------------------------

From: White Coat, Black Hat <info@whitecoatblackhat.com>

Date: Wed, Jan 16, 2013 at 10:34 PM

Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

To:                                

Dear           

Thank you for your inquiry, but I think you have the wrong person. I am not Carl; I am his brother.  Carl talked me into setting up this website a couple of years ago, but then bailed on me after I wrote a biography he didn't like and published an interview that made him look like a mendacious, bullying fraud.   Then he went all crybaby on me, and I wound up on my own.  So here I am.

But here's the good news:  My blog has become a viral sensation, with arguably the highest impact factor of any bioethics blog out there.  I do interviews, I run a regular advice column called the Ethicator, and much more.  I have a large and growing fan base, especially among Carl's enemies, and I am totally up for getting some advertising revenue coming in (Lord knows I'll never see any money from Carl).  So let's talk turkey:  What are you planning on advertising on my site?  I'm thinking I need a diverse ad base - Scientology sites and boner pills alike.  Also some herbal stuff in case that makes me look even-handed.

How much money are we talking about? Do I need provide you with a Paypal account?  I would rather not have my name out there, in case Carl ever decides to sue me.  Would you be comfortable simply sending a cash envelope to a PO Box?  We can discuss further.  I eagerly await your reply.

The Ethicator

--------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2013 04:16:07 +0000

From:                      

To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com

Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Thanks for getting back to me!

The client we represent would like to expand its brand influence further, and in order to achieve that goal, they need to advertise on sites based inside and outside of the UK. Since the best way to do this is through the internet, we search for websites that match our clients' requirements then contact the site's webmaster.

Basically, we wish you to create a new post or article on your blog to accommodate our client's link.

We will provide you with the URL, and you can link to it in any manner you see fit (topic, content, language, length). You can write the page (preferably 250-words or two paragraphs) in review format or simply write about the usual topics on your site. We would offer you 120 USD.

The fee I sent you are quoted for a year's placement and we pay the whole amount in US Dollars upfront.

To give you an idea of what a text advert looks like, please view our example at the following link: http://www.discoverdisney.co.uk/famil... where the anchor is 'Virgin Atlantic'.

We aim to complete payment via secure payment partners Paypal or Moneybookers within 1 to 2 days of the advert going live on your site.

Also, you may read our terms and conditions:                             .pdf.

I won't be able to give you an example as it will violate our Non-Disclosure Agreement with webmasters but I can give you more details regarding the client we have for your website.

Our technical and clients team would have to make a further assessment of your website (in terms of quality, content, design, and etc.,) so that we can check to which client specifications your website matches before we can send you more details. We will make sure that you agree with client before asking you to place our advert live on your site.

Would you be interested in having your website further assessed? If you are, please let me know. We'll then send over the client's URL (subject to your approval) so you can proceed with the draft of the advert.

Lastly, if you have more websites we can work on, please feel free to send over a list. It would help if you can include the list of websites on your next email so I can start lining them up for assessment and review.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

           

---------------------------------------------------

From: White Coat, Black Hat <info@whitecoatblackhat.com>

Date: Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 11:53 PM

Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

To:            

This sounds awesome. Do you have any pharmaceutical companies as clients? That would be even better. Now, I'm wondering if you could you explain a few things to me. I'm wondering if you have in mind my writing a full post devoted to your client's product, or just a casual mention with a link. If it's the latter, I'm thinking of something like:

“If that fucker Carl had ever bothered to pay me for his website, I'd be driving a KIA Sportage right now.”
“I spent last night with a bottle of George Dickel and some Ambien, thinking of the ways Carl has wronged me. Yet sleep never came.”
“I ordered the venti espresso from Starbucks, crushed up some of my Adderall and had myself a time”

I'm sure those could be worked into just about anything. A full post could be a little more complicated; it depends on who wants the ad space. Right now, I can tell you I have at least one post in the works that would likely interest both the makers of Levitra and Wild Turkey. But stay tuned ...

One last question: If Carl sues me for what I say in your ad, who pays? Will your client help, or is that still on me?

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Ethicator

---------------------------------

Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:24:01 +0000

From:                      

To: info@whitecoatblackhat.com

Subject: Re: Follow Up on Advertising Proposal

Hi,

Sorry for the delayed response.

On this occasion, we could not match your site with a current client. However, we are continuously bringing new clients on board and I expect to have a good match for you in the near future.

With your permission, I'll keep your site on our list and will get back to you if I find a suitable advertiser.

In the meantime, if you or anyone you know manages other sites that we might consider then please feel free to forward them to me.

Best regards,

           

 

Healing our Political Wounds

Sadly, you never hear the second half of this famous quote:

The Ethicator: Should I accept money for referrals?

Not your friend.

Dear Ethicator,

I am a psychiatrist, and I have a deeply fulfilling relationship with a contract research company. Whenever I send them a schizophrenic patient for one of their research studies, they send me a referral fee. Win-win, right? I score some coin for my kids’ college funds, and my patients get a 3 week vacation on a locked ward with cable TV. (Okay, they have to test unapproved drugs and wear a rectal sensor, but those things are not as uncomfortable as people say they are.) Problem is, there have apparently been some “adverse events” in these studies, whatever that means, and I am worried that the trial lawyers may claim that these referral fees are a conflict of interest. So my question for you is: how do I resolve my conflict of interest so that I can keep taking the money?

The Ethicator responds:

Here we go again. I'm flat-out sick of this talk about conflict of interest. Why do people always assume conflicts of interest are about money? Not all of them are. There are plenty non-financial conflicts of interests out there, not the least of which is your own conscience. That's a bias too, you know. If you're an overweening, sanctimonious prick who refuses to accept any money for advancing medical progress, how much integrity are you going to have making life or death decisions?

Same story, every time: Take a little money from people who make the world better, and the anti-pharma zealots will squeal like stuck pigs. But run around flouting your anti-pharma biases, and nobody says a word. Show me a ProPublica database of socialist nutballs bent on making the world sicker. Show me a journal article that discloses: "Carl Elliott is an attention-seeking media whore, salvaging his foundering career by pissing on the work of hard-working medical professionals. He also doesn't pay for websites" Think you'll see that anytime soon? Don't hold your breath.

Whether you're working for 2 mil in stock options or just want big-ups from your hippie lawyer fans, you've got a conflict a conflict interest somewhere. The other guys are no better. Don't bullied; just disclose and move on. Sleep well.

The Ethicator

Send your questions to the Ethicator:  info@whitecoatblackhat.com

Things you can buy for the cost of Carl’s book, part 17

[image error]Or could, if only they still sold them.  Wonder Sauna Hot Pants! Look better, feel better, wake up your body! Slenderize exactly where you want.  Easy to inflate, one size fits all.

The choice is yours:  Sit on your fat ass and read Carl's book, or get to work and better yourself with some inflatable plastic sauna pants.

h/t to the Retronaut.

The Ethicator on the Ethicist: My Answers to Last Week’s NYT Column

Dear readers, I cannot begin to thank you for your ongoing campaign to nominate me as the next writer of the New York Times Magazine's “The Ethicist” column. It is humbling and overwhelming to think that I have touched so many lives.  I have not yet made up my mind on this matter, but just  as a gesture of extra goodwill toward the Times, I thought I'd provide the writers to last week's May 10 Ethicist Column with my own, alternative responses.  If you like what I write here, please feel free to mention it to the editorial staff at the Times.

A NY Times Magazine reader writes:

At my office, we were feeling a nagging concern about a candidate we were strongly considering for a position. So we decided to call someone at a company the person had listed on the résumé but had not provided a reference for. Wow, did we get earful on the person (not in a good way)! But then we weren’t sure if it was ethical to use this information in assessing the person. Of course, it was awfully hard to forget. We ultimately didn’t hire the person.

- NAME WITHHELD, OAKLAND

The Ethicator responds:

Dear Oakland: I fully understand the need to vet an employee thoroughly.  And who can trust references?  They all lie anyway.  The more they want to get rid of an employee, the better the reference they'll provide.  But still, you shouldn't limit yourself to asking other employers.  They can lie, too.  You need to start probing all your prospective employees' friends and distant acquaintances.  Thanks to social media, you can do this easily and under cover of anonymity.  An example:  A while back, while I was vetting an employee, I got suspicious of his references, so I just set up a fake twitter account, posted his name and address to twitter and the comments section of several newspapers, and asked if anybody knew him. Sure enough, my fears were confirmed. "Fuck that guy!  He's a racist and a child molester!" said one.  "Dumb fuck", said another.   So just to confirm we were talking about the same person, I sent out his address and social security number, and what do you know, I heard even worse things. Total douche, apparently.  Which goes to show:  You can never be too careful.

Another reader writes:

We are planning a trip to Orlando to take my son to Disney World for Memorial Day weekend. Everything was booked, and then the Trayvon Martin case happened. We are quite angry  . . . .  Are we obligated to cancel our trip? Our son very much wants to go, but even if we lose a lot of money, I feel that ethically we shouldn’t be spending our tourist dollars in Florida.

- NAME WITHHELD

The Ethicator responds:

You are reluctant to spend your money where you believe evil is taking place; I totally get that.  I've felt the same way from time to time.  For example, a short time ago I took my kids to the Mall of America.  The Mall is in Minnesota, a state which, as you are aware, continues to devote a portion of its budget to evil, plagiarizing pharmascolds.  I kept thinking to myself:  Is it not immoral for me to spend my tourist dollars in this state?  I solved the issue by going anyway, but refusing to spend any money, sleeping outside and foraging food  from the local dumpsters.  My kids considered it the most miserable experience of their lives.  They have flatly refused ever to go again, and have told all their friends how much they hate Minnesota.  Problem solved.  Do the same, and you can fulfil your son's wishes while teaching him a powerful moral lesson

My mom and I argue whenever we head to the mall or go grocery shopping. I think it’s fine to duck into Sephora and try on some makeup, even though it is out of my price range. Similarly, it’s fine to grab a free sample at Trader Joe’s or a food store, even if I have no intention of buying it. My mom happily takes free samples, but won’t try on makeup with me. Is there a difference? Is either ethical?

- NAME WITHHELD

The Ethicator responds:

You should not feel guilty at all.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with making free samples a part of your everyday routine.  I do this all the time at liquor stores, in particular, where free samples can make for a pretty entertaining evening out if you're willing to hop from store to store.  Also, pharmacies can be great for free samples, especially if you know how to get behind the counter when the pharmacist is not looking.  I try the samples, then I get to write about them and tell other people.  Win-win.