Carl Elliott's Blog, page 4

Things you can buy for the cost of Carl's book, part 14

Sow in Heat Urine

A spray bottle of Sow in Heat Urine! This goes for $13.19 online, only three dollars more than the cost of Carl's paperback on Amazon.  Now, I can't possibly be the first person to say that Carl Elliott's White Coat, Black Hat isn't worth a warm bottle of hog piss, but I may just be the first to offer market-based evidence.  And really, which would you rather have?

Get a hunting rifle, spray some of this on your clothes, and rutting boars will come at you like left-wing hippies to a Carl Elliott lecture. You'll eat all winter long on that.  On the other hand,  spend that money on White Coat, Black Hat, and you'll just be left with that same old empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.

$13.19 from CodeBlueScents.com.  Get you some.

Defending the Dinosaurs

"Hey, everybody, look at me. I've got tenure and you suck. Want to watch me make fun of my employer? I can do that! They make money, so they must be criminals. My book is on Amazon, by the way. Have you read it? It's only $15.52."

-Carl Elliott

Today we are treated to the sad spectacle of Dr. BFD acting out his grudges against the productive class in his review of Benjamin Ginsburg's new book, The Fall of the Faculty.

What's all too clear is that, as a pampered member of the academic elite, Carl resents the democratization of education that we've seen over the last few years. The marketplace is finding less and less room for overpaid academic middlemen like him standing between the students, who pay the money, and the administrators, who take it.

Somebody moved your cheese, buddy--move on.

Another Church joins the Movement

Degrading the Brand

Snooki Loves White Coat, Black Hat

More lessons in building your brand:  Abercrombie and Fitch just made a remarkable offer to Jersey Shore castmember Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino:

"We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand.  We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response."

Fair enough.  Jersey Shore castmembers, I'm wondering if I can interest you in a book.

Heroes at Globe and Mail Boldly Praise Ghostwriting

Check out yesterday's copy of the Toronto Globe and Mail, where the heroes in the editorial section take a bold stance in favor of pharmaceutical companies hiring ghostwriters to publis in peer-reviewed academic publications.  I say good for them.

Now, I know what you are all thinking:  As a victim of ghostwriting myself, shouldn't I be against the idea?  Well, not exactly. If you pay your ghostwriters (unlike someone else I know), I'm all for it.

Let's face it:  Scientists have the credentials and the name recognition, but can they make their product sound awesome?  Not a chance.  Bad self-presentation is an occupational hazard; just look at the way some of them dress.  Plus they're busy.

And yes, as the Globe admits, there is a danger that these Big Bad Pharma Companies will turn the articles into an advertising opportunities, but hey, that's the reviewers' job to sort out.  Which is why the Globe calls for  "particularly vigilant reading of the draft by the researchers, so that no advertising spin creeps in".  Caveat emptor, baby -- you scientists have bigger fish to fry.

 

The Ethicator

An important announcement about the PharmaVoice 100

I apologize for not posting sooner.  This morning, as you all know, PharmaVoice released its list of the  100 most inspiring people in the life sciences.  Mysteriously, and despite the massive groundswell of grassroots support I received, my name was not included on this year's list.

No doubt many of you will see in this the hand of a jealous sibling, or the petty vindictiveness of a powerful, pharma-bashing NGO. Of course,  it's not for me to say whether that assessment is bang-on, or whether it confirms what we really all should have known from the beginning.

What I can do is thank you all for your support, congratulate this year's winners, and appeal for calm amidst your crushing disappointment.   I know you are all angry right now, but please, keep your demonstrations respectful and nonviolent.  We are not like them.  Remember the words of Jesus:  What does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

I will be fine.   There are more accolades to garner, more contest forms to fill out, more battles to win.  Soldier on, my friends; you are all heroes, each and every day of your lives.

Building Your Brand the Ethicator Way

[image error]A recent article in Inside Higher Ed offers some handy advice on how to build and enhance your academic brand.   Titled "The Value of Self-Promotion", the article has generated some controversy by suggesting that new academics should cite their colleagues' work for professional gain:

You should be citing all of the senior people in your field, even if their work is tangential to your own. Citation is a way of demonstrating that you know your field and you know who the key thinkers are. It is amazing how often the same person will be asked to referee your work.

Now, I can't say I've spent a lot of time advancing myself in academic circles (unlike one bootlicking, sycophantic assclown whose book you may  remember); however,  as an Internet-based bioethics expert, I'll say this sounds about right.  What's academic publishing for, anyway, if not for advancing your career?  Do it right, I say.

But there's also another side of me, the Internet marketing expert, that asks the obvious questions:  Citations? Peer-reviewed journals?   Does anybody read these anymore, let alone write for them?  Seriously, what decade is this?

Listen to me:  If you want some bang for your buck, take to the Internet. And don't just cite your colleagues; any milquetoast can make nicey-nice with the boss-man.  You need to find out who your colleagues' enemies are, then  start firing away in the online forums.  Take to the comments section of the newspapers and the online media (hell, take two or three screen names if you want, and trade insults off one another).  Rack up 2500 Facebook friends, including your senior colleagues, and start wailing away at the bad guys.   All this you can do in a third of the time it takes you to write a paper proposal, yet you will reach thousands more people and leave a permanent, lasting impression on the people you want most to impress.  It's quick, it's cheap and it's unfiltered:  That's the Ethicator way.

Happy Birthday, Fucker.

Thanks for ruining my life, asshole.

Happy Father's Day

Back in 1970, Roche Laboratories was not afraid to call your dad a pussy.   This ad for Valium appeared in the Journal of Hospital and Community Psychiatry:

"Women dominate his universe; psychic tension can rule his life . . . domination by women has led to psychic tension. He doesn't understand the source of his psychic tension. But you do. He relates well to women with domineering traits. But not to men. Not even his own son."

Click image to enlarge

PharmedOut Dissenters: A Profile in Courage (part 2)

More from the brave, dissenting truth-tellers within the ranks at PharmedOut:

Dearest Ethicator,

I am so sorry to hear that we have offended you. Within our first few days as interns, we realized the mistake PharmedOut had made in overlooking your talents . We begged and pleaded to invite you to our conference. As you have assessed, the pressure that we are under from conference overlords proves to be an uphill battle. Even so, we thought the invitation had been sent out. I guess we expected too much from "the man."

You'll be pleased to know that "We want the Ethicator" protestors have already started camping out besides the conference location. The line rivals that outside of the Apple store when the new iPhone came out. What is it now, the 84X? Whatever. We are moved by the protesters' determination. Their lining up skills might resemble that of those trying to acquire a very coveted object, but their camping skills and general hygiene seem more akin to attendees of Bonnaroo.

We hope that they do not line up in vain and that you will grace us with your Ethicating presence so the pleas of your fans do not go unnoticed.

We see that you have demands. However, the demands do not seem up to the standards we would like to give our most honored guest. We propose a different approach. Domestic first class is meaningless these days, without even the promise of synthetic and packaged "food" items. To make up for your having to travel by bus, we will provide you a golf cart for your transport during the conference. Moreover, the Watergate is packed with the scandal that accompanies the mostly retired. We propose that Dr. Carl Elliott be forced to allow you to sleep in his room. We imagine that the subliminal messages that you will whisper while he sleeps will force him to do terribly during his talk and regain some justice in the world.

An award would be distasteful, as it would not garner the attention that you deserve. We will provide a grand entrance for you, complete with glitter confetti and bowing fans. Perhaps we can even find someone to carry you into the auditorium. There is also a promise of a tour of Dr. Fugh-Berman's "medicinal herb garden." Need I say more?

And finally, bourbon. One of us is a southerner who knows that bourbon hardly tastes as good if you are drinking it without the company of people who truly know what a blessing a sip (or fifth) of Wild Turkey can be. Although we might not be able to provide the obligatory porch, we can assure you that you will find a bourbon lover within the crowd. Although we cannot provide you a name for obvious reasons, let's just say this person cannot drink bourbon in DC without becoming terribly homesick. We do not think you will find a more true love than that.

We hope that these offers exceed your expectations. Do not fret. PharmedOut, in our mission to identify and counter inappropriate promotional practices, demands the best.

We hope that we have not overwhelmed you. Please reconsider coming to the conference. Your fans await you.

Thank you,

PharmedOut interns