Kevin Lucia's Blog, page 50

Trying To Work Out My Digital Age Issues

Don't know if you've noticed it, but I have some "digital age issues".

I'm not a fan of either the ebook, Kindle, Nook, or any of the other options.  In my wrong-headed, irrational way, all I want to read is a BOOK printed on paper.  In fact, I can confess to going on a book-buying tear this whole past year in response to an irrational fear that soon enough, book stores and new paper books will die out completely. 

Now, that probably won't happen for a real long time.  In this case, we can thank POD (print on demand) technology.  It gives most folks an option to buy either the digital or print version. BUT, many new authors or even some of my fav's are popping out new digital-only works, which leaves me out of luck, because I just don't want to read anything on an ereader.  Call me stubborn, backward, romantic, I really don't care.  

If I had a choice between an instant-download, .99 ebook and a $10 used book I had to hunt around for, had to wait to have shipped to me...I'll take the second option, every single time.

Also, I'm not a fan of the new self-publishing craze, which the digital ebook craze has kicked into high-drive, overgear, with an addendum: authors who have proven themselves as good writers, okay.  Authors who are trying to get out-of-print works back into circulation, definitely.  Not to offend, but unproven authors who've never published anything anywhere else? Sorry,  not a fan.

But as a young writer facing his own uncertain publishing future in a publishing world that has become more and more uncertain, I HAVE to face the fact of digital publishing.  And doing so doesn't mean giving up on traditional or print publishing.  But facing it, examining, seeing if it can be used to expand my reader-base (nearly non-existent as it is)....

Here's the thing.

I don't own either a Nook or Kindle.  Doubt I ever will.  Maybe I'll get an Ipad someday.  But the idea of reading a digital book does nothing for me.  So is there something wrong with self-publishing digital content then asking folks to read me in a format I don't prefer myself?

Again: I'm not against being published digitally.  I'd like to be available to folks in all formats.  Case in point, Shroud is working on getting Hiram Grange e-books ready to go, and that's cool. That way, options are open.

But trying to build a platform on self-published digital content, when I'm not sure how I feel about it myself?

Seems like a conflict of interest. Or cheating.  Or something.

Of course, blogs like this make the issue even harder to ignore.  Say what you want about Brian Keene, I've come to place that when Brian talks, I believe all young writers should buck up and listen.  And I'm listening.  And he makes an excellent case, talking about ebooks and authors like Robert Swartwood, who are pioneering their way into the digital self-publishing field.

Cases like Robert's and author Mike Duran's (self-publishing a novella that couldn't find a home anywhere) have really set me to thinking.  I don't think I'd ever want to abandon traditional publishing, because somewhere, at some point, I WANT that publisher's seal of approval.  I WANT to know that what I've written has passed muster at Abbadon Books, Angry Robot Books, Apex Publications, Medallion Press, Samhain Publishing, Cemetery Dance, Thunderstorm Books. 

But maybe...if you've got really good beta readers who are gonna call you out, push you hard to write the best story you can and not crap...if you've got access to professional editors and cover artists to do a bang-up job...maybe a platform could be built....

Except I'm not a fan of digital itself.  For example, if he's got Brian Keene's stamp of approval, I'd like to check out Robert Swartwood's work....except it's all digital.  Which I have no interest in.

So how could I turn around and ask readers to buy into that format?

I'm probably just turning myself into useless knots over the whole matter.  BUT, I'm nearing the end of a "work for hire" project that will take me through the ropes of digital self publishing - both print and Kindle - for the first time.  And for a reason, I think (other than the fact I'm getting paid).  But the question is, what to do with this new knowledge?

Still figuring it out.  Push comes to shove, I'd probably go Mike Duran's route.  After intense critique and editing, publish a novella I'd like to see get out there in both print and digital formats. But I'm still figuring that out.  Still fighting with myself.

Still wondering if maybe, even if I've got the talent, if I've got the spirit to figure all this out and find my place in publishing...

Semi-Occasional Pimping Of Myself: Where You Can Buy My Writing

Here's my once in awhile post of "there's some stuff out there with my writing in it".  Most of you know this already, but every now and then I get some new blog and Facebook and Twitter followers, so I like to throw this list out there. I talk about writing a lot, I write every day, and yeah...I have had a few things published. 

First of all, the fiction.  The best thing to pick up is Hiram Grange & The Chosen One , simply because it's the best example of whatever it is I do.  Definitely horror/adventure/dark fantasy, and to date, what I consider my best work (my most recent stuff has been accepted, but not published as of yet).  Here's a synopsis:

Hiram Grange doesn't believe in fate. He makes his own destiny. That's a good thing, because Queen Mab of Faerie has foreseen the destruction of the world, and as usual… it's all Hiram's fault. He must choose: kill an innocent girl and save the universe… or rescue her and watch all else burn. Just another day on the job for Hiram Grange. 

So there's tentacled, Lovecraftian horrors; maggots, faeries, and a girl in peril. And lots of explosions, too.  Here's my favorite blurb:
 
Brilliantly paced and with very few moments for the reader to stop and catch their breath, Hiram Grange and the Chosen One is an adrenaline drenched jaunt through the realms of horror, fantasy and dark humor. Violence and gore abound, presented expertly by Lucia in a way that not only shows his raw talent, but the ruggedness of Hiram's character as well. - Apex Publications

I have some free-reads, too.  Check those out, and share.

The rest of my short fiction is here. I'd say the best of those stories (again, there are some good ones waiting in the wings) is "Lonely Places", published in the third edition of The Midnight Diner.

I've done my time as editor.  One of those projects is still in the waiting, but one you can get now is Shroud Magazine's 10th issue, The Halloween Special. Packed full of great Halloween fiction and nonfiction.

Now, I've written some nonfiction, also....though I haven't seen any of that published in awhile.  Oddly enough, it's all fallen into the inspirational market. (a study in contrasts, am I).  Anyway,  these are stories about my family: our life, faith, and some of the trials we've faced raising a child with autism. They're not preachy, in any way.  Just about how faith has worked in our lives. 

And there you have it.  Filled my self-pimping quota for a few more months, at least....

Post Run Blog #1

I'm back running again.  Was running pretty frequently about a year ago, until a variety of things forced me to quit for awhile. But, starting today, I'm back on the horse, running at least once or twice a week.

And I love it.  Which is ironic, because I've got bad feet.  Collapsed arches. And I feel a moderate amount of pain every single day when I walk.  Thing is, my feet have hurt since high school.  

Through four years of football, basketball and track.  And through four years of college basketball.  And then through...how many?....ten years of pickup basketball, men's leagues, mowing the lawn, etc.

And I'm used to it. Hurting feet means working out. Being in shape.  Active and fit, and running.   

And I love it.

Not sure if this healthy or not.  But the pain is always there, and I just deal. 

Because I've come to love running.

In our darkened high school gym.  Jamming to the tunes.  Shadow-boxing every other lap. Not kidding myself, won't be entering any marathon's any time soon.  I run to keep in shape, but also to zone-out, to try and beat down all the stuff brewing inside me that needs beating down.

It can be a spiritual experience. So I'm hoping to start a series of post-running blogs.  As everything around here, we'll throw that against the wall and see if it sticks.

Today was my first day back running in over a year. 20 laps, no stopping, a wind-down walk lap at the end, and then a "gut-check" sprint lap.  Again, I'm not kidding myself.  Not a marathon runner, here.  But halfway through, I sorta lost count how many laps I'd run. And didn't feel like stopping any time soon.

That's never a bad thing...

Where's my voice?

Home with Madi today because she's got a nasty cold - but otherwise fine - so taking the moment to blog. BUT, I had to opt out of the blog simmering on my head.  Consisted mostly of ranting and complaining and whining about stuff I've already complained about before.  

And I didn't feel like going there. So I checked out, whipped up some homemade blueberry pancakes (made the mix from scratch, 'cause that's how we roll around here), doused them in maple syrup, demolished my new diet in about thirty minutes, but came out a lot sweeter in the end.

And hit someone's else blog that really highlights what I believe is my greatest hurdle as a writer, what I believe separates the men from the boys, also determines what I'll read and what I won't.

And that's voice. 

This is especially pertinent when it comes to my short stories.  Technically, I believe they're adequate.  Products of sound writing. 

Yeah.

Right. 

And how many folks want to read adequate stories, anyway? I know I don't.  That's why I very rarely - no offense intended - read work from folks near my level.  I'm an adequate writer.  I know some decent rules, can craft adequate sentences and paragraphs and maybe even a "technically sound"  story.

But I'm struggling for my voice.  And I'm not gonna get that by reading work that's adequate like my own. I'm only going to get it - IF I get it at all - by reading work with VOICE.  Voices of ALL KINDS.   Also, I've turned down a few solicitations lately - which aren't guarantees but at least more-open-than-usual-doors - because even if I'm not sure what my voice is going to be, I knew those submission calls held NO interest for me at all, and I'm guessing just weren't my "voice".  Of course, maybe if I knew what my voice was, I still could've written stories for them in my voice, but seeing as how I'm still struggling with it....

Hiram Grange came closest to my own personal voice.  But, I still feel like that was a "cheat" somehow.  Because Hiram wasn't my character.  Yes, the story was mine but the character wasn't, and it seemed much easier to fill in a pre-determined character with my own take (maybe this will be a good future for me.  Media tie-ins, anyone?  At this point, I'd kill to write a Supernatural novel.  Just sayin).

Anyway.  Voice.  What the heck is it? Here's a good definition from Chuck Wendig's blog, which I just read: 

The writer's voice is the thing that marks the work as a creation of that writer and that writer only. You read a thing and you say, "This could not have been written by anybody else." That is voice. 

Wow.  

That's not intimidating at all.

Here's another good tidbit.  A big reason why I've really scaled back my reviews, and something I wish - even though everyone has their own preferences - reviewers and blurbers would be more honest about:  

That being said, bad writing is bad writing. 

So how do you get voice?  This advice is probably the best ever, one of the things I think could potentially be hurt the most by the new "self-publish everything digitally as quick as I can" craze: 

1. Voice is a component of practice and maturity.
2. You cannot artificially and prematurely discover your voice. 
3. Writers must cultivate patience (or perhaps patience's rude and grumpy cousin, stubbornness).  

You'll get there. Your voice will come.  

And here's something I'm constantly worried about doing myself, especially given my new loves of Norman Patridge and Charlie Grant: 

You can try to trick your voice into appearing early, try to overwrite or use purple prose or engage in stylistic flourishes that plum don't belong. 

Honestly, that last part worries me most.

However, THIS is what I hope is happening now: 

Eventually we stop miming the style of others, but along the way we still break off parts of other authors and graft them to our own styles. Some parts must be kept. No harm in that — we shouldn't be upset with our influences. Why turn away from those who got us here? Those whose voices mattered most? As long as their voice does not take over our own, we're good. It's okay if we are in part the culmination of other voices. Like I said before: the art is in the arrangement.   

This part, I need more of in my writing: 

Your voice is also who you are. How you bleed and spit and scream on the page. You are your voice. Your voice is you.

Anyway.  That's where I am, now.  Trying to develop my voice.  And there's only one sure way to do that: keep reading and keep writing.

Luckily, my two favorite things to do....

Moral Heroes With Codes

This is a re-attempt at a blog that sputtered and failed right before New Year's.  Because I was getting too philosophical with it, I think.  Anyhow, I've pared my ideas down and am ready to re-approach this from a simplified angle.

I used to be a huge Dean Koontz fan.  After a year or so of consuming nothing but Stephen King in an orgy of discovery, I did the same with Koontz.  Soon after would be Peter Straub, when I began to mature a little in my reading tastes.

Anyway, one thing I always liked about Koontz: his protagonists possessed solid moral compasses.  And that jived with me, because let's be honest: my upbringing in a blue-collar, hard working, lower-middle class Christian, traditional family has made me who I am today.  Now, other things have shaped me as well - including a really nasty, dark spread in my college and post-college years, which taught me the endless depths of sympathy and empathy for my fellow human beings - but that solid foundation still lives at the core.

But about four years ago I realized that saying I read and wrote "horror" when I'd only read King, Koontz and Straub (and a smattering of John Saul, but his stuff never really 'took' with me) was somewhat of a misnomer.  I began opening my horizons, sampling all the new stuff coming from Leisure Fiction, checking out some small press titles - especially Cemetery Dance - hitting the used book store and Amazon.com pretty hard to stock up on the classic stuff.  

And WOW, was it worth it.  Discovering new AND old writers, like Robert Dunbar, T. M. Wright, Greg Gifune, Ron Malfi, Charles Grant, Norman Partridge, John Farris, Mary Sangiovanni, Rio Youers, J. N. Williamson, Nate Kenyon, Gary Braunbeck, F. Paul Wilson, Mort Castle, Manley Wade Wellman, Norman Prentiss, Tom Piccirilli, Tim Lebbon, Tom Monteleone, the Whispers and Shadows collections...and way too many more to name...has left an indelible mark upon me.

Somewhere along the line, I left behind Dean Koontz.  Stephen King, too, although I still periodically hit him (I LOVED Duma Key.)  But Koontz had become "passe", according to lots of sources.  On message boards, in other writers' opinions and in Amazon reviews, I saw - and maybe I guess believed - the following, that Dean Koontz had:

1. sold out, writing only for money now
2. lost his edge, and was now too preachy
3. wrote unrealistic characters who were too black and white, too GOOD and too EVIL
4. was a formulaic writer who hadn't written anything new in awhile, just copying the same old format
5. had sold out, writing only for money, now

And yeah, let's be honest - some of Dean's recent novels have felt thin (though, when you've written as much as he has, I think you're allowed a few of those).  I'm not sure if it was that, or if I really bought all the above things or not, but for awhile, I veered away from Dean.  Wanted to be a "good little protege" (though I don't really have a mentor), and listen to all the advice I'd been given, stay abreast of the trends.

But I've returned to Dean Koontz, realizing how important his writing and themes are to ME, as writer.

Regardless of what anyone thinks of him.

See, entering the publishing world, soaking up all the knowledge you can, taking advice from those wiser than you, is a lot like high school (in more ways than one), in that at the beginning, you soak up EVERY bit of information you possibly can, take all the advice you can, chuck all your preconceptions so you can learn on a blank slate.

But then, as you grow, you reach a point where you follow advice selectively, picking what suits you, meshing what you've been told and taught and advised with who YOU are. Because in the end, every writer has their own, unique, personal journey.

So, I've returned to Dean Koontz.  Realized how much I really DO love his idealism, because that is who I am.

I'm an idealist.  And proud of it.  In as dark a world as we're living in today, I'm not sure how I'd survive if I weren't.   And for me, writing horror doesn't make sense without being an idealist.  There are LOTS of reason for writing horror (not the least of which that it's great FUN) but I want to write horror to further enhance the light.  I want characters to endure horrors and terrible hardships to further highlight their survival.  Maybe not happy endings, because we don't get those in life, do we?

But just one spark of hope.  Just one.  A glimmer of light, even in the darkness.

So, heroes with moral codes.  Dean offers them, in spades.  So does F. Paul Wilson in Repairman Jack, although Jack's a little more edged and flawed than some of Dean's characters - but Jack STILL believes in doing the right thing.  Even if he's confused about what that is sometimes, it's his internal, moral code.  

Norman Partridge's characters are often the same, a little further down the continuum from Koontz, but still...many of his heroes are driven men.  With codes.  Ironically enough, a good example from Norman's work is another Jack - Jack Badalach, former light-heavyweight champion of the world.  Jack's not perfect and of a highly constructed moral fiber like a Koontz character, and maybe a little less driven than Repairman Jack, but he's got a code.  Things are done because be believes in something.  

Silver John, of Manley Wade Wellman, he's another one.  And, ironically, my favorite Brian Keene character, Levi Stolfus. They all believe in something.

And let's be honest, though I don't use this blog as a pulpit: I believe in something.  A lot of somethings.  So, in the end, my characters are going to believe in something, too.  Even if we are living in a largely post-modern world in which everyone questions if "right and wrong" even exist, anymore...because it's just who I am.

It's funny.  I see myself developing as a hybrid writer.  I really love the style of Charles Grant, T. M. Wright, and Norman Partridge - but I love the themes and characters of Dean Koontz, F. Paul Wilson and, once again, Norman Partridge.  Of course, I love the myth-making of Neil Gaiman, too.  

Wonder what else I can toss into the stew....

Top 10 Books That Have Most Influenced and Inspired Me. What About You?

Totally ripping this off from author and blogger Mike Duran.  Anyway, it's worthwhile to think of the works that have REALLY impacted me, not only as a writer but as a reader.  These aren't my FAVORITES, exactly...but the books that have left their mark on me, long after I finished reading....
1. The Stand, by Stephen King – forever converted me into a Stephen King fan. So epic, the ultimate battle between good and evil, spiritual, and the way he juggled all those main POVs…AMAZING.
2. Boy's Life, by Robert McCammon – THIS is the book I wanted to cry after. One of those things that convinces me I'll never be able to write as purely and as beautifully as this.
3. lost boy, lost girl, by Peter Straub – Again, there's the horror of "monsters" and "demons" and serial killers, then there's really wrenching stuff like child abuse, etc. Peter Straub was able to deal with something so horrible, yet write so eloquently and beautifully.
4. Something Wicked This Way Comes, by Ray Bradbury – so hauntingly poetic and rich. The type of book that MAKES you read passages over and over again, just to savor the language. And, the ULTIMATE Halloween thriller.
5. Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury – one of the very few science fiction/dystopian future novels that have slapped me upside the head, saying: "WAKE UP! This is happening NOW."
6. Dandelion Wine, by Ray Bradbury – first of all, proving Bradbury's awesome range. Second, made me wish I'd grown up in the 20′s. And even though I grew up in the 80′s, my summers seemed just like Doug Spaulding's…
7. To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee – again, one of those PERFECT novels that makes me realize I'll never write something as wonderful.
And now, I'm going to "cheat" with my last three:
8. The Repairman Jack series, by F. Paul Wilson – I was a huge Roland Deschain fan from Stephen King's Dark Tower, but Jack is so…real. A regular guy. And he's an anti-hero with a STRICT, almost old fashioned "code". Hard to find these days in fiction. And Wilson's style is so spare, he packs in TONS of action and plot into his stories, and it all reads so very well.
9. The Oxrun Station series, by the late Charles L. Grant – Introduced me to "quiet horror", and I've never before encountered such subtle nuances and artistic prose. And, in a push-back against gore-horror, I love Charles' respectful, modest restraint and tension. His writing is the first writing I've encountered that's had a tangible affect on my writing.
10 The Foundation and Robot series, by Issac Asimov. I discovered him in high school, and it was the very first HUGE, mega-arc series I'd ever encountered, first one I HAD to have all the books to. And when he managed to tie his Foundation series together with his Robot series, I loved it. Had me primed for the Dark Tower saga long before I ever encountered.
Anyway, that's it.  How about you? What books have inspired and influenced you?

The Importance of Having Friends Who Are Not Involved With Writing or the Publishing Business At All

So I'm going to play some more basketball this morning.

Which is pretty cool, considering that basketball - along with reading - predates writing as my first love.  I was blessed with a moderate amount of success at the high school and small college level, and I can honestly say basketball has been good to me.  

To make things even cooler, Abby played high school and college basketball herself, so playing basketball has always been just another bond between us, rather than a wedge that could drive us apart.  In fact, as the below pictures attest, basketball was  a key component in our wedding:





















I played league and pick-up basketball pretty regularly until about two years ago, when I landed my biggest writing gig ever in Hiram Grange, plus it was a year into writing my weekly freelance column for the city paper.  Not exactly writing NYT Bestselling novels, but suddenly I had deadlines for publication.  For the first time, playing basketball was cutting into writing time, so basketball really started taking the back seat.

Now, two years later, I'm slowly crawling my way back into playing basketball regularly.  Not ready for league play, yet (because with kids and the potential for writing deadlines, I don't want the weekly commitment).  Anyway, I've returned to the court for two reasons:

1. the 60-70 pounds I lost four years ago are starting to creep back

and, most importantly:

2. I've realized I really, really need friends who have nothing to do with writing or the publishing business at ALL.

Those of us involved in creative endeavors understand how addictive they are.  We get sucked into our little world, mimicking the Ultimate Creator with our own little creative attempts.  And, on a much more basic level: it's just so cool.  Giving birth to stories and worlds and characters, being just as surprised by anyone else at what comes to life under our hands.

It can be addictive.  Really addictive.  

Too addictive, maybe.

I've blogged a lot about how for me, Cons are restorative.  Because being a creator is lonely, at times.  It's important to once and awhile reconnect with other creators, talk shop, keep in touch with the market and the business, and just hang with people who love stuff like you do.  But I've realized it's JUST AS IMPORTANT, maybe even more so, to stay rooted in the real world, hang out with friends who have nothing to do with writing or publishing, who are rooted in the real world, just like you.

So Thursday, I went to a social gathering - IE, party - with my fellow faculty from school.  Granted, we ended up talking a lot of "teacher shop", but still: these folks aren't writers.  Not living the "writer life", with no aspirations of doing so.  They were just regular folks, some with families, some young families with no kids, some single folks.  But regular, non-writing folks.

Today, I'm hitting the court with a friend I've made - yes, another English teacher - at school who's just a "regular guy" like me.  Yeah, he's an English teacher, so he's a book and word-nerd like myself, and he plays in a band (saxophone) and he's killer on Guitar Hero.  And he played high school basketball and is an assistant for one of the area's high school boys varsity teams, but he's something SEPARATE from the writing industry.

See, I've been fighting to balance between two things: 

1. the writing life and all it entails (Cons, the industry, the "pull" of being with writer friends)
2. my family: wife and kids

But I think I've been missing an integral ingredient: friends who are just regular joes like myself, who have nothing to do with writing at all. Because let's be honest, the addictive pull of #1 is SO strong. I need something in the middle of 1 & 2 to even things out.

So I'm off to play basketball.  Trying to get back in shape, hanging out with just regular folks.

Of course, I also re-engaged the 3 AM schedule this morning, too.

Cause it's all about balance...

Crossroads: 2011 Retrospective, 2012 Preview

So I had this big huge blog all typed up - half finished, really - about Dean Koontz, post-modernism/idealism, authorial intrusion, Norman Patridge, and empathetic characters....

And then looked at the thing and thought: "Meh.  Who cares?"

I deleted it.

Then, I was going to blog about my 10 or 20 favorite books of 2011.  I read almost as much as I write, so I figured my opinions might sorta be somewhat valid.

Then, I saw about twenty OTHER writers doing the same thing on Facebook.  Once again, the "Meh" factor kicked in.

And really, it's come down to this: Blog, or write fiction? (because some people will maintain that blogging is writing, and it is...but which is the better use of my time?)

Obviously, I'll choose fiction every time.  So what I'm going to do is get myself together, head to the library, and so some writing.

I'm a little down about my "career" - such as it is - lately.  But I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, not complain about it a whole lot.  And I'm also starting to form - how shall we say - some really negative opinions concerning stuff that's happening in the horror small press lately.  Also just trying to let those things go, as annoying as they are.  I just hear people saying stuff, then see stuff that completely contradicts what I hear them saying.

But that's human nature. It's like that everywhere - at the workplace, in families, in the business world.  Certainly not limited to publishing or the horror genre. 

Again, maybe this is a sign.  That I should hang it up? Who knows. Even if it is a sign for me to quit, I probably won't listen.  I'm stubborn that way.  More and more, it's forcing me to realize I'm at a crossroads, here.

One I'm stuck at.

As I see folks I started with two years plunging way ahead of me. See folks I gave advice to two years ago completely outpace me.  And here I am, stuck in idle, forced to mull these questions over and over every single day:

What type of writer do I want to be?
Am I really a "horror" writer? Suspense/Supernatural Thriller?Adventure? Dark Fantasy? Does it matter?
Where do I want to concentrate my efforts? The small press? Micro Press? Or really commit myself to insanity, and only aim at the top?
Do Cons really matter? Would my career be any worse off if I never went to another Con, ever?

Please forgive me if this sounds overly whining or complaining. I'm trying not to be that way. Trying very hard to walk the fine line between being honest and saying too much.  But, as I stand here and look at 2012 ahead, I can only think of one thing that would keep me writing.

And that's the writing.

The desire to see the finished story.

So that's how I'm going to spend my day, the rest of 2011, and all of 2012. All those questions above? Who knows? I have no answers for those.  The only answer to any question I have is this:

Will I ever stop writing?

We'll see....

Doing the Right Thing For Our Boy

Haven't blogged about Zack lately, mostly because things have run on a really even keel.  Not a lot of upheavals to speak of.  He has good days - really good days - and days that are rougher than others.  Intellectually, there are no issues at all. Zack is developing into a very bright (maybe too bright) little boy.  

He's active, very happy and physically strong and healthy (of particular concerns, as severely autistic children often aren't), he's interactive, getting better at socializing all the time, and expresses his needs and desires and wants pretty clearly.  His range of expression and vocabulary has grown dramatically, and if it wasn't for his delayed emotional range, on passing interaction, he doesn't seem autistic at all.

But he's still not there, yet.  And Abby and I've seen that these past few months, more and more.  As I said, on the outside, he looks and appears and acts - on very good days - as if there's nothing seriously wrong with him, maybe just a little immaturity and that's all.  And he's so-so-so smart.  You just have no idea.

But...something is still missing.  He's four.  And VERY much a boy (which sometimes makes it a tough call.  Is it his autism we're dealing with, or him being a BOY?).  But there are still gaps, for lack of a better word.  Academically, he thrives.   He literally memorizes just about ANYTHING he hears, sees, or has read to him  - in fact, it may not be long before he's reading himself.

But he still doesn't understand things. It's a lot like the really intelligent, brilliant student in school who could memorize every line of all 150 Shakespearean Sonnets, but doesn't understand what any of them mean. We still have to discipline Zack as a two year old, simply because he doesn't comprehend certain topics.  Like why it's wrong to hit his sister.  If he hits her and we discipline him, he understands - sorta - that if he does it again he'll be disciplined again.  But he doesn't "get" that it's wrong and it hurts her.

And other things, especially safety concerns.  Thank God we got that fence put in last fall, because even though he's good at staying away from the road because we yell at him about it, he doesn't GET that the road is something to be scared of.  In fact, he's not scared of ANYTHING - which, in a way, could be considered good.  Of course, it's also part of being a boy, as we've come to understand.

But he's still delayed.  By four he shouldn't be able to slide-rule the mysteries of the universe, but he should be approaching a level of self-sufficiency. And, in some ways, he HAS.  He's improved so dramatically, there's simply no comparison to how he used to be.  But he's still not there.  

So we scheduled a meeting with Zack's teachers at the Children's Institute at Binghamton University , because Abby and I have decided to leave him there for Kindergarten and perhaps beyond, instead of having him start public school in the Fall, like we'd originally intended.  This was a big thing for Abby and myself, but perhaps even bigger for Abby.  Because hey, let's be honest....

We want our kids to be happy.  Successful. Healthy.  But we also want them to be normal. Accepted. To fit in.  And I think that maybe - probably even myself - we had both rationalized it as okay for Zack to get early intervention before KE,  but that by then he should be phased out into a "normal" school.

But he's just not ready.  And also, we realized that BU's program has been so fantastic, Zack has gained so much ground there...why change what's OBVIOUSLY working?  Plus, I've worked as a para-professional in elementary special education.  No offense to those folks, but the quality of para-professionals is hit and miss.  

Maybe Zack would get a good aide interested in Special Education and autism in particular, but more than likely he'll get a well-meaning but essentially clueless college student hired by the school district, trying to make some extra cash.  And school districts send these aides to workshops - I've attended more than a few myself - but it wouldn't be the SAME level of intervention he's receiving at BU, where his aides are currently pursuing degrees and careers in special education at the professional level.

And BU's center has world-renown.  Children coming from as a far as SWITZERLAND to receive intervention.  And there's YEARS-long waiting lists for placement. It was literally a blessing that we got in.  If he had problems in his public school, he'd never be able to get back into BU's program.

Fortunately, BU agreed with us, and were delighted we'd decided to stay the course.  So instead of phasing out, we're going to see this through.  We'll transition Zack when he's READY, not when we want him to.

It  all came down to this: our "needs" as parents versus Zack's needs.  And it was really a pretty easy choice, when you get down to brass tacks.  Because as parent, that's what you do.  Not what you want to, but what the right thing is for your kids.  There's really nothing else that matters.

The Importance of A Novel That May Never Be Published

This has beensomewhat of a common theme around here lately, so if you kinda wannaskip this entry, I don't blame you.  If still interested,however...

I'm struck moreand more how important this current project is, not by it'spublishing potential, not by its genre choice (though mash-ups arethe hot thing right now, lots of them being done well and horribly),not because any particular publisher wants it, not because I've gotfolks raving about it (a few of my colleagues liking the bits I poston Facebook don't count as raving), but because of one, simple thing:

I'll beable to write "The End".

And right now,that's the most important thing in the world to me.

HiramGrange & The Chosen One was a landmark, in some ways.  Writing-wise, it is what it is:the prose is clean,  smooth reading, and I think it's a funstory.  It was really fun to write.  More than one personhas read it and said: "You had fun writing this, I could tell,"most notably (minor pimping of self here) Stoker Award-Winning author NormanPrentiss (whomyou ALL should read).  It got decent reviews, even a few StokerRec's, and I'm proud of it.

But that's notwhy it was so important. 

It's important,because it was the first ever long work I actuallyfinished.

And that, myfriends, was huge.

A short historylesson: I once ground away for SIX YEARS on half of a novel. Kept moving things around. Changing the story.  Couldn't figureout the plot.  Before that, I had written a novel, but even thatwas a 178,000 word first act in an epic space trilogy that I had no idea how to end.

I didn't knowhow to get to "The End".  Of anything.

And it waskillingme.

Finally, I threwmy hands into the air, gave up the novel, and for the first timestarted writing short stories and book reviews.  Anything thatwas short, had a word count, and I could end.So thenI could actually drafta finished piece, watch it get better. I did really well with thereviews, ended up writing a paid freelance gig for our citynewspaper.  Did marginally well with the short stories.

And then cameHiramGrange.  Amajor challenge, to write something longer and actually FINISH it. But I was under a time crunch.  Had signed a contract.  SoI outlined the thing - for the first time ever - and banged that babyout.

I actually wroteThe End. Which, at that moment, felt better than getting published, almost. After Hiram,Ienjoyed another sorta victory with my MA thesis for Creative Writing,wrote a short novel - 50,000 words - and actually wrote 'The End'there, too.

So, I thoughtI'd arrived (again).  I'd now crank out novel after novel, startbuilding up a store of them, and no longer spin my wheels.  Thatthought in hand, I grabbed my MA thesis, started adding stuff in,ready to write my magnum opus.

A year and halflater?

Nothing.

Grinding mywheels again.  Because with all those converging plot-lines -andthe fact I hadn't outlined - I produced 600 pages of chaos.  There'sfive hundred good pages in there somewhere, but once again I'd comeup empty.

This could havebeen devastating.  Crushing, even. Except that, along the way, Ilearned the biggest reason whythese big novels kept falling flat on their faces.

Because I didn'toutline them. Plain and simple.  Let's check the facts I learnedover that period:

1. I outlinedHiramGrange =story finished
2. I outlinedseveral short stories in that time period - finished and sold
3. I outlinedand wrote full synopses for two Teen novels I'd been pitching. I didn't write them, but because of the outlines, am confident I couldwrite them tomorrow.
4. Have sinceoutlined a novella I plan on writing soon as I'm finished with thisproject.
5. I outlinedthis current project, and there's not been one minute of hesitation,and I KNOW I'll finish it. 

Ergo, lessonlearned: I outline from now on. 

Anyway, when my"magnum opus" ground to a halt, I knew I had to write thisone, and not only because Billy the Kid had suddenly come to life andstarted talking in my ear (that's always a really good sign). But I had to write it because even though it had been turned down atHarperTeen (though the acquisitions editor loved the idea), eventhough I had no other publishers interested, I KNEW I'd finish it, knewI'd write THE END to this one.

Which seems likethe most important thing in the world, right now.  A finishedproduct I can draft and polish and rewrite until I like it. That's the most important thing to me, at this very moment. 

Almost moreimportant than ever getting it published.

Which is ironic,because I never thought I'd hear myself say that...