Douglas Adams > Quotes

“The hereditary Emperor is nearly dead and has been for many centuries. In the last moments of his dying coma he was locked in a stasis field which keeps him in a state of perpetual unchangingness. All his heirs are now long dead, and this means that without any drastic political upheaval, power has simply and effectively moved a rung or two down the ladder, and is now seen to be vested in a body that used to act simply as advisers to the Emperor—an elected governmental assembly headed by a President elected by that assembly. In fact it vests in no such place. The President in particular is very much a figurehead—he wields no real power whatsoever. He is apparently chosen by the government, but the qualities he is required to display are not those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. For this reason the President is always a controversial choice, always an infuriating but fascinating character. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it. On those criteria Zaphod Beeblebrox is one of the most successful Presidents the Galaxy has ever had—he has already spent two of his ten presidential years in prison for fraud. Very very few people realize that the President and the Government have virtually no power at all, and of these few people only six know whence ultimate political power is wielded. Most of the others secretly believe that the ultimate decision-making process is handled by a computer. They couldn’t be more wrong.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“deciding that just as discretion was the better part of valor, so was cowardice the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“I have been listening,” said Arthur, “but I’m not sure it’s helped.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“He continued to lie there, like someone lying awake at four o’clock in the morning, unable to put his mind to rest, but unable to find anything to do with it.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“City of Vassillian a party of five sage princes with four horses. The princes, who are of course brave, noble and wise, travel widely in distant lands, fight giant ogres, pursue exotic philosophies, take tea with weird gods and rescue beautiful monsters from ravening princesses before finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accomplished. The second, and much longer, part of each song would then tell of all their bickerings about which one of them is going to have to walk back. All this lay in the planet’s remote past.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“It was a world called Bartledan”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Omnibus: A Trilogy of Five

“It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always
appreciated.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“O Deep Thought computer,” he said, “the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us …” he paused, “the Answer!” “The Answer?” said Deep Thought. “The Answer to what?” “Life!” urged Fook. “The Universe!” said Lunkwill. “Everything!” they said in chorus. Deep Thought paused for a moment’s reflection. “Tricky,” he said finally. “But can you do it?” Again, a significant pause. “Yes,” said Deep Thought, “I can do it.” “There is an answer?” said Fook with breathless excitement. “A simple answer?” added Lunkwill. “Yes,” said Deep Thought. “Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But,” he added, “I’ll have to think about it.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, ‘for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“What was the Sherlock Holmes principle? ‘Once you have discounted the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.’ ” “I reject that entirely,” said Dirk sharply. “The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“He attacked everything in life with a mixture of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“I haven’t seen anyone for years,” he said, “not anyone. I can hardly remember how to speak. I keep forgetting words. I practise, you see. I practise by talking to…talking to…what are those things people think you’re mad if you talk to? Like George the Third.”
“Kings?” suggested Ford.
“No, no,” said Arthur. “The things he used to talk to. We’re surrounded by them for Heaven’s sake. I’ve planted hundreds myself. They all died. Trees! I practise by talking to trees. What’s that for?”
Ford still had his hand stuck out. Arthur looked at it with incomprehension.
“Shake,” prompted Ford.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“How to Leave the Planet 1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it’s very important that you get away as soon as possible. 2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House—(202) 456-1414—to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA. 3. If you don’t have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don’t have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try. 4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible. 5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it’s vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Richard stood transfixed for a moment or two, wiped his forehead again, and gently replaced the phone as if it were an injured hamster. His brain began to buzz gently and suck its thumb. Lots of little synapses deep inside his cerebral cortex all joined hands and started dancing around and singing nursery rhymes.”
― Douglas Adams

“R is a velocity measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel that is consistent with health, mental well-being and not being more than, say, five minutes late. It is therefore clearly an almost infinitely variable figure according to circumstances, since the first two factors vary not only with speed taken as an absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless handled with tranquility this equation can result in considerable stress, ulcers and even death.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Dirk nearly exploded with pain and howled so loudly that he almost attracted the attention of a waiter.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
― Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Book 1 of 3

“And do we also have, do we have … a party of minor deities from the Halls of Asgard?” Away to his right came a rumble of thunder. Lightning arced across the stage. A small group of hairy men with helmets sat looking very pleased with themselves, and raised their glasses to him.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“You see, Earthman, they really are particularly clever hyper-intelligent pandimensional beings. Your planet and people have formed the matrix of an organic computer running a ten-million-year research program…. Let me tell you the whole story. It’ll take a little time.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem. Please relax. You will be sent for soon.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can cater for you. We are not proud.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Nor was it the bewildering array of instruments that crowded the long circumferential wall around them.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Sometimes if you receive an answer, the question might be taken away.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“What, are you crazy?” “It’s a possibility I haven’t ruled out yet,” said Zaphod quietly. “I only know as much about myself as my mind can work out under its current conditions. And its current conditions are not good.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything. Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terrible, stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost for ever.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“My name?’ said the old man, and the same distant sadness came into his face again. He paused. ‘My name,’ he said, ‘. . . is Slartibartfast.’ Arthur practically choked. ‘I beg your pardon?’ he spluttered. ‘Slartibartfast,’ repeated the old man quietly. ‘Slartibartfast?’ The old man looked at him gravely. ‘I said it wasn’t important,’ he said.”
― Douglas Adams, The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: The Trilogy of Five

“the great thing about being the only species that makes a distiction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.”
― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

“Don't worry. Everything is getting nicely out of control.”
― Douglas Adams