Douglas Adams > Quotes

“He headed to the outer Eastern rim of the Galaxy, where it was said, wisdom and truth were to be found, most particularly on planet Hawalius, which was a planet of oracles and seers and soothsayers and also take-out pizza parlors, because most mystics were completely incapable of cooking for themselves.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“His house was certainly peculiar, and since this was the first thing that Fenchurch and Arthur had encountered it would help to know what it was like.

It was like this:

It was inside out.

Actually inside out, to the extent that they had had to park on the carpet.

All along what one would normally call the outer wall, which was decorated in a tasteful interior-designed pink, were bookshelves, also a couple of those odd three-legged tables with semicircular tops which stand in such a way as to suggest that someone just dropped the wall straight through them, and pictures which were clearly designed to soothe.

Where it got really odd was the roof.

It folded back on itself like something that M. C. Escher, had he been given to hard nights on the town, which it is no part of this narrative’s purpose to suggest was the case, though it is sometimes hard, looking at his pictures, particularly the one with all the awkward steps, not to wonder, might have dreamed up after having been on one, for the little chandeliers which should have been hanging inside were on the outside pointing up.

Confusing.

The sign above the front door said “Come Outside,” and so, nervously, they had.

Inside, of course, was where the Outside was. Rough brickwork, nicely done pointing, guttering in good repair, a garden path, a couple of small trees, some rooms leading off.

And the inner walls stretched down, folded curiously, and opened at the end as if, by an optical illusion which would have had M. C. Escher frowning and wondering how it was done, to enclose the Pacific Ocean itself.

“Hello,” said John Watson, Wonko the Sane.

Good, they thought to themselves, “hello” is something we can cope with.

“Hello,” they said, and all, surprisingly, was smiles.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“Maybe eBooks are going to take over, one day, but not until those whizzkids in Silicon Valley invent a way to bend the corners, fold the spine, yellow the pages, add a coffee ring or two and allow the plastic tablet to fall open at a favourite page.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“[...]tutta quanta la stanza era in ogni suo punto ugualmente piena di tazzine sporche, di scarpe e di posacenere pieni che si scambiavano ormai i ruoli l'uno con l'altro.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“City of Vassillian a party of five sage princes with four horses. The princes, who are of course brave, noble and wise, travel widely in distant lands, fight giant ogres, pursue exotic philosophies, take tea with weird gods and rescue beautiful monsters from ravening princesses before finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accomplished. The second, and much longer, part of each song would then tell of all their bickerings about which one of them is going to have to walk back. All this lay in the planet’s remote past.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“It was a world called Bartledan”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Omnibus: A Trilogy of Five

“It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always
appreciated.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“O Deep Thought computer,” he said, “the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us …” he paused, “the Answer!” “The Answer?” said Deep Thought. “The Answer to what?” “Life!” urged Fook. “The Universe!” said Lunkwill. “Everything!” they said in chorus. Deep Thought paused for a moment’s reflection. “Tricky,” he said finally. “But can you do it?” Again, a significant pause. “Yes,” said Deep Thought, “I can do it.” “There is an answer?” said Fook with breathless excitement. “A simple answer?” added Lunkwill. “Yes,” said Deep Thought. “Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But,” he added, “I’ll have to think about it.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“I refuse to prove that I exist,’ says God, ‘for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“What was the Sherlock Holmes principle? ‘Once you have discounted the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.’ ” “I reject that entirely,” said Dirk sharply. “The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“He attacked everything in life with a mixture of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“I haven’t seen anyone for years,” he said, “not anyone. I can hardly remember how to speak. I keep forgetting words. I practise, you see. I practise by talking to…talking to…what are those things people think you’re mad if you talk to? Like George the Third.”
“Kings?” suggested Ford.
“No, no,” said Arthur. “The things he used to talk to. We’re surrounded by them for Heaven’s sake. I’ve planted hundreds myself. They all died. Trees! I practise by talking to trees. What’s that for?”
Ford still had his hand stuck out. Arthur looked at it with incomprehension.
“Shake,” prompted Ford.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“How to Leave the Planet 1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it’s very important that you get away as soon as possible. 2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House—(202) 456-1414—to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA. 3. If you don’t have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don’t have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try. 4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible. 5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it’s vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Richard stood transfixed for a moment or two, wiped his forehead again, and gently replaced the phone as if it were an injured hamster. His brain began to buzz gently and suck its thumb. Lots of little synapses deep inside his cerebral cortex all joined hands and started dancing around and singing nursery rhymes.”
― Douglas Adams

“R is a velocity measure, defined as a reasonable speed of travel that is consistent with health, mental well-being and not being more than, say, five minutes late. It is therefore clearly an almost infinitely variable figure according to circumstances, since the first two factors vary not only with speed taken as an absolute, but also with awareness of the third factor. Unless handled with tranquility this equation can result in considerable stress, ulcers and even death.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Dirk nearly exploded with pain and howled so loudly that he almost attracted the attention of a waiter.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

“To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
― Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Book 1 of 3

“And do we also have, do we have … a party of minor deities from the Halls of Asgard?” Away to his right came a rumble of thunder. Lightning arced across the stage. A small group of hairy men with helmets sat looking very pleased with themselves, and raised their glasses to him.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“You see, Earthman, they really are particularly clever hyper-intelligent pandimensional beings. Your planet and people have formed the matrix of an organic computer running a ten-million-year research program…. Let me tell you the whole story. It’ll take a little time.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem. Please relax. You will be sent for soon.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can cater for you. We are not proud.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Nor was it the bewildering array of instruments that crowded the long circumferential wall around them.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Sometimes if you receive an answer, the question might be taken away.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Hey, you sass that hoopy Ford Prefect? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“What, are you crazy?” “It’s a possibility I haven’t ruled out yet,” said Zaphod quietly. “I only know as much about myself as my mind can work out under its current conditions. And its current conditions are not good.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything. Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a terrible, stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost for ever.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“My name?’ said the old man, and the same distant sadness came into his face again. He paused. ‘My name,’ he said, ‘. . . is Slartibartfast.’ Arthur practically choked. ‘I beg your pardon?’ he spluttered. ‘Slartibartfast,’ repeated the old man quietly. ‘Slartibartfast?’ The old man looked at him gravely. ‘I said it wasn’t important,’ he said.”
― Douglas Adams, The Complete Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: The Trilogy of Five

“the great thing about being the only species that makes a distiction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.”
― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

“Don't worry. Everything is getting nicely out of control.”
― Douglas Adams