Stuart MacBride > Quotes

“Finnie kicked a packet of washing powder. "Why am I surrounded by morons? Did I tick the wrong bloody box for room service? I wanted scrambled eggs on toast, but they delivered a family-sized bag of idiots!”
― Stuart MacBride, Blind Eye

“Blah, blah, blah, regret to inform you that DI Gray has tendered his resignation; blah, blah, blah; opportunity to reward performance; blah, blah, blah; suggestions by next Wednesday.

McPherson had scribbled, "BEATTIE?" in the margin in red biro.

Idiot.

Logan stuck the memo back in the drawer. Detective Sergeant Beattie couldn't arrest his own backside with three patrol cars and a search warrant.”
― Stuart MacBride, Blind Eye

“Guthrie handed him the mug, a wee pout pulling his pale face out of shape. With his semi-skimmed skin, faint ginger hair, and blond eyebrows he looked like a ghost that had been at the pies. "Milk, two sugars.”
― Stuart MacBride, Shatter The Bones

“Steel squared her shoulders. "Ladies, and gentlemen, are are no' at home to Mr Fuckup today. Who are we no' at home to?"

The response wasn't much more than an embarrassed murmur. "Mr Fuckup."

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHO ARE WE NO' AT HOME TO?"

Better this time: "Mr Fuckup."

"ONE MORE TIME!"

They bellowed it out: "WE ARE NOT AT HOME TO MR FUCKUP!"

"Damn right we're no'." She smiled, nodded. "Now get out there and catch me those bloody killers.”
― Stuart MacBride, Close to the Bone

“The day was dark as a lawyer's soul.”
― Stuart MacBride, Cold Granite

“What about Ding-Dong?"

"Detective Inspector Bell couldn't find his arse with both hands if you duct-taped them to it. Come on.”
― Stuart MacBride, Close to the Bone

“The trouble with Scotland is a bunch of numpties saw Braveheart and now they think if we could only sod about the hills in kilts all day, flashing our arses at the English, somehow everything will be all right.”
― Stuart MacBride, All That’s Dead

“Where Insch was bald, Steel looked as if someone had sellotaped a Cairn terrier to her head. Rumour had it she was only forty-two, but she looked a lot older. Years of chain smoking had left her face looking like a holiday home for lines and wrinkles.”
― Stuart MacBride, Cold Granite

“Must be nice to be a seagull. You eat, you sleep, you shag, and if you’re having a bad day you can shite on everyone from a great height. Doesn’t even have to be a bad day, you can do it just for fun.”
― Stuart MacBride, Birthdays for the Dead

“Ina stood and shuffled over to the urn on the fireplace. Stroked it with a twisted finger. "How are we supposed to get more consecrated soil, now? Taxi drivers always look at you so strangely when you get in with a shovel and say, 'Take me to the nearest graveyard.”
― Stuart MacBride, Close to the Bone

“Honestly, some days it's like trying to get an angry ginger tom into a pair of Lycra cycling shorts.”
― Stuart MacBride, A Dark So Deadly

“WPC Buchan might not know much about art, but she knew what gave her the fucking willies, and these things took the hairy biscuit.”
― Stuart MacBride, Dying Light

“Oh aye. Smells like she´s eaten a pickled skunk. Hungover isn´t the word. I´ve seen people looking healthier after they´ve passed post-mortemed."
(Rennie about Steel )”
― Stuart MacBride

“I say this with the utmost respect, especially given your heroism last year …’ She took hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze, gazing deep into his eyes. ‘You’re an idiot and no one cares what you think.”
― Stuart MacBride, All That’s Dead

“Logan didn’t know which was worse – discovering your husband was a lying, adulterous bastard, or a dismembered corpse.”
― Stuart MacBride, Dying Light

“That’s the trouble with care in the community – nobody does.”
― Stuart MacBride, Flesh House

“Logan glanced at the clock on the cooker: nearly five minutes fast. The room was bathed in the pale orange glow of the overcast sky, the back garden a jungle of silhouettes and shadows through the window. He filled the kettle, then poured half of it out, before sticking it on to boil. The growing rumble drowned out the babble on his Airwave handset as DI Bell got his firearms team into place.”
― Stuart MacBride, Shatter The Bones

“Ah … politics, Sergeant. When the top brass hand you a turd, you polish it and say, “my, what a lovely jobbie!” That way they are impressed by your intellect, perception and ability. If you don’t, all you’ve got is a handful of shit.”
― Stuart MacBride

“Racism is a by-product of ignorance,”
― Stuart MacBride, All That’s Dead

“Apparently I can't prove the chair I'm sitting on exists, because I only think it exists because my bum tells me it does and I can't empirically trust my bum to tell the truth...'

'That what it says?'

'Far as I can tell, one of the great philosophical minds of the eighteenth century thinks my arse is a liar.”
― Stuart MacBride, Close to the Bone

“Mr Cameron Anderson was in his mid-twenties and hailed from Edinburgh: which explained why he had a first name like Cameron.”
― Stuart MacBride, Cold Granite

“Should probably do”
― Stuart MacBride, All That’s Dead

“Miserable people with miserable lives, buggering about in a miserable, pointless parade of misery.”
― Stuart MacBride, Cold Granite

“Logan battered to the end of 'Started Out With Nothin', drove in silence for a minute, then launched into 'Living Is a Problem Because Everything Dies'. Making up half of the words as he went along.”
― Stuart MacBride

“Nah, mostly they’re just students. Bit of weed, bit of booze, bit of studying, bit of pining away in their rooms wondering why nobody wants to shag them.”
― Stuart MacBride, Shatter The Bones

“So, are you two shagging yet?’ He stuck two fingers up at her. ‘Did you have to rip a strip off Robertson and Weatherford in front of everyone? Poor sods are doing their best.’ ‘Come on, I saw her checking you out all through the briefing. Yesterday she thought you were a two-foot wide skidmark on the hand-towel of life, now she’s throwing you meaningful glances like they’re on buy-one-get-one-free.’ Steel grinned. ‘You shagged her, didn’t you?’ ‘She’s my sister. OK?’ ‘You shagged your sister? You’re disgusting. Told Susan we shouldn’t have got you that boxed set of Game of Thrones.’ He stood. ‘You know what? I’m glad your ribs hurt. Serves you right.”
― Stuart MacBride

“Uh-huh. We’re about … five minutes away? Maybe less? … Still can’t believe it: a real murder!”
― Stuart MacBride

“But in a fit of inspiration he’d fashioned a balaclava from a Tesco carrier bag – the handles tied beneath his chin.”
― Stuart MacBride

“You stay here. Don’t move. If I think you’ve so much as farted while we’re gone I’m going to take your goolies off with a potato peeler. Understand?”
― Stuart MacBride, Blind Eye

“A thoughtful pause and then: ‘Maybe to make it easy to find, but look like it’s hard to find, so you’d find it but think it wasn’t meant to be found, even though you only really found it because someone wanted it to be found?”
― Stuart MacBride