Oreo Quotes

“Louise was once challenged to name a food she did not like. She paused to consider. That pause was now in its fifteenth year.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“From time to time, her dialogue will be rendered in ordinary English, which Louise does not speak. To do full justice to her speech would require a ladder of footnotes and glosses, a tic of apostrophes (aphaeresis, hyphaeresis, apocope), and a Louise-ese/English dictionary of phonetic spellings.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“This is a subject I've given a lot of thought to, and I think I have the answer. I've tried to encompass in my theory all the sociological, mythological, religious, philosophical, muscular, economic, cultural, musical, physical, ethical, intellectual, metaphysical, anthropological, gynecological, historical, hormonal, environmental, judicial, legal, moral, ethnic, governmental, linguistic, psychological, schizophrenic, glottal, racial, poetic, dental [this was the logical link] artistic, military, and urinary considerations from prehistoric times to the present.I have been able to synthesize these considerations into one inescapable formulation: men can knock the shit out of women.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“The trolley rattles toward us, its metallic jig fortunately out-clamoring my words as I tell Mr. Johnson where to go, what to do, and what to kiss. He is still standing there cradling his redolent bundle as I settle back and watch him recede until he is a raggedy blue dot.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Louise Clark's southern accent was as thick as hominy grits. No one else in the Philadelphia branch of her family had such an accent. Her mother and father had dropped theirs as soon as they crossed the Pennsylvania state line.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“During World War II, James worked as a welder at Sun Shipyard in Chester, Pennsylvania. Every morning for three years, he would stop at Zipstein's Noshery to buy a pickle to take to work in his lunchbox. He would ask for a sour. Zipstein always gave him a half sour. From that time on, James hated Jews.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“A word about weather There is no weather per se in this book. Passing reference is made to weather in a few instances. Assume whatever season you like throughout. Summer makes the most sense in a book of this length. That way, pages do not have to be used up describing people taking off and putting on overcoats.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Jobs I Have Had (cont’d): I once demonstrated fill-in painting at a ten-cent store. I would gather a crowd around me and take out my Sylvan Scene Number 10 cardboard with its jigsaw of shapes, all numbered. For about three minutes, I would do my cyborgian routine, showing the shoppers how to put bleeding-gum crimson in all the 5’ s—never in a 7 or a 2. Then, all of a sudden, I would go crazy. I could not bring myself to stay within the lines. My blind-man blue would stray from the 52-to-75 lower-sky section, where it belonged, and would begin to invade the cavity yellow of the 45-to-48 cloud tinge. But the management kept me on. They merely warned against sloppiness, saying prissily, “Neatness counts, neatness counts.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Things I Miss About Philadelphia That Are Long Gone: Woodside Amusement Park. The Mastbaum movie theater. The Chinese Wall. Schuylkill Punch (no soup in the country is as chunky, as stick-to-your-ribs as the witches’ brew we called water). The raspy spiel of a huckster named Jesus.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Advantages Philadelphia Has Over New York: Fairmount Park (more than four times bigger and better than Central Park). The park’s colonial houses: Strawberry Mansion, Lemon Hill, Belmont Mansion. The weeping cherry trees of George’s Hill, the Playhouse in the Park, Robin Hood Dell. Hoagies (more than four times better than heroes). Steak sandwiches (they don’t make them here the way they do at home: layers of paper-thin beef smothered in grilled onions; melted cheese, optional; catsup, yet another option!). People who wait for you to get off the subway before they try to get on. Smoking on the subway platform. Row houses. The Philadelphia Orchestra. Mustard pretzels with mustard (in New York—would you believe?—they sell mustard pretzels plain). Red and white police cars so you can shout, “Look out, the red devil’s coming!”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Yes, “river to river” did refer to our beloved Schuylkill and our renowned Delaware. Yes, Vine Street is not exactly cheek by jowl with Pine Street. Yes, it was the dead of winter. Yes, I did freeze my kishkas. Yes, Storch is probably still at large in the Philadelphia school system.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Baltimore I wonder if the sign I used to see on Spruce Street is still there? It read: LITTLE FRIENDS DAY SCHOOL. I always expected a bunch of dwarf Quakers to run out of the building.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“My first boyfriend was a nayfish named Roger. I sat next to him in Miss Barton’s first-grade class. One day Roger said to me, “Malvina is my girlfriend. I like Malvina.” I looked at Malvina, the most beautiful first-grader in America. “Frankly, I don’t see what you see in her,” I lied. “Why don’t you like me instead?” “Okay,” he agreed, and I took him home with me for lunch. Louise made coq au vin that day, as I recall. Roger asked for a peanut butter sandwich, which he dipped in that divine sauce. A chaloshes! I dropped him at recess the next day and gave him back to Malvina.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Pretend you are a citizen of old Galilee, and answer the following questions: 1. How would you rate Jesus on over-all workmanship? ( ) A balmalocha ( ) Good ( ) Fair ( ) All thumbs 2. Do you have to wait in for him all day? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Sometimes 3. Are his hourly rates ( ) high ( ) average ( ) a bargain? 4. Does he have good work habits? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Can’t say 5. Is he good at Jewing-down [mental note of James: “Change this phrase in final draft”] his suppliers and thereby passing on a savings to you? ( ) Yes ( ) No 6. In cleaning up after a job, how does he rate on a scale of 1 to 10 in which 1 = You could eat off the floor and 10 = Very messy? Insert number here:______ 7. Does he render bills promptly? ( ) Yes ( ) No 8. Would you hire him again? ( ) Yes ( ) No”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Did you dream about a visit from your cousin Sarah?” his copy would read. “Turn to SARAH in the list of names at the back of this numerology book. The number next to that name is G 18-6, which means Genesis 18: 6. This verse from the Five Books directs you to ‘Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.’ If you do as directed, such mazel you wouldn’t believe! If for some reason you cannot do as the verse directs, find other entries in this book that have the number 18-6 or 1-86. Look for hidden clues that will tell you how Sarah’s visit will turn out.”
― Fran Ross, Oreo

“Louise talked in generalities that required the listener to fill in the who, what, where, when, why, and how. She rarely bothered to remember names (“ Dere go Miz What-cha-cawm an’ her daughter”), or she made two or three tentative tries at capture before the killing pounce (“ Yoo-hoo, Jenkins . . . I mean, Mabel . . . I say, George!”) or substituted names that were close (the “Jolly” of “Go to de sto’ and git me some-a dat dere Jolly” meant Joy dishwashing liquid).”
― Fran Ross, Oreo