Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD Quotes

“These are things to have under your belt in order to make and strengthen boundaries: Educate them. To be blunt, narcissists aren’t exactly in tune with their interpersonal or communication skills. Try using incentives or other motivators to get them to pay attention to how their behavior affects others. They may not empathize or seem to get what you’re saying, but at least you can say you tried to look at it from your point of view. Understand your personal rights. In order to demand being treated fairly and with respect, it’s important to know what your rights are. You’re allowed to say no, you have a right to your feelings, you are allowed privacy—and there are no wedding or relationship vows that say you are at the beck and call of your partner. When a person has been abused for a long time, they may lack the confidence or self-esteem to take a stand on their rights. The more power they take back, though, the less the abuser has. Be assertive. This is something that depends on confidence, and will take practice, but it’s worth it. Being assertive means standing up for yourself and exuding pride in who you are. Put your strategies into play. After the information you’ve absorbed so far, you have an advantage in that you are aware of your wants, what the narcissist demands, what you are able to do and those secret tiny areas you may have power over. Tap into these areas to put together your own strategies. Re-set your boundaries. A boundary is an unseen line in the sand. It determines the point you won’t allow others to cross over or they’ll hurt you. These are non-negotiable and others must be aware of them and respect them. But you have to know what those lines are before making them clear to others. Have consequences. As an extension of the above point, if a person tries ignoring your boundaries, make sure you give a consequence. There doesn't need to be a threat, but more saying, “If you ________, we can’t hang out/date/talk/etc.” You’re just saying that crossing the boundary hurts you so if they choose to disregard it, you choose not to accept that treatment. The narcissist will not tolerate you standing up for yourself, but it’s still important. The act of advocating for yourself will increase your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. Then you’ll be ready to recover and heal.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“See your past as being behind a glass wall. You can see it play out right there, but it can’t get to you behind that wall. The problem is that the wall shouldn’t be in front of you, informing your every instant of consciousness, it should be behind you. What’s ahead of you is your future, which hasn’t happened yet. And you can’t allow it to share the present with you, because there isn’t enough room for both. It’s really hard not to let it be there because it can be so strong and powerful. But as you slowly progress through every baby step of your healing and recovery plan, that glass wall will gradually move around to where it should be, and stay: Behind you. You’re allowed to look back at it occasionally. After all, what’s behind that glass wall had a part in getting you to where you are right now. It loses its power once it cements into its place behind you, and in that moment you’ll know you’ve made it through.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“mindfulness helps to bring us back to the present and make us more aware of all that’s around us. It guides us to see that life is full of gifts to be grateful for, and that living each day to the fullest makes life meaningful.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
–Maya Angelou”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“They’ll start asking prying questions about any hard times you’ve gone through, and really press for you to be candid. This is another huge red flag because these kinds of things should come up naturally after strong, mutual trust has been established. The narcissist is just pocketing ammo for future use.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Ann Landers that goes, “People of integrity expect to be believed. If not, they let time prove them right.” (Landers, n.d.).”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“it is completely normal and natural to grieve the loss of that relationship, job, or situation. The sadness you are feeling is not because you lost something good, it is most likely because you are mourning the time you lost in that situation, the choices you made, or how you lost yourself; and that mourning needs to happen. You need to grieve what has happened to you to begin the journey of validating your own emotions again.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Recovering from gaslighting is going to take some time. Like with any type of trauma, your emotions, sense of self, and honestly—just your entire being—need to rest and find ways to begin living again.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“At the end of the day, gaslighting is a form of abuse, and any relationship that perpetuates abuse is not one that you should stay in. Even if it is your significant other, parents, or boss.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“While it is not encouraged to hide information like that from the people you love, if the people you love are hurting you, then you have to put your own mental and emotional safety first.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Personal This type of gaslighting is the hardest to notice—and is often not caught until the child has reached adulthood—strictly because of how insidious it is. In personal gaslighting, the parent has caused the child to now question their own sense of self, specifically their ability to trust themselves, and begin to question what they actually know about themselves”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“However ‘good’ her intentions were, Alexa’s actions divided the couple, isolated Mary from her previously strong support group, and began to create narratives where Mary’s narrative and character were questioned. All of which are classic gaslighter techniques.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“But for him to just take Alexa’s word over his committed significant other—who as far as the example has shown, has no history of lying, cheating, or hiding things from Matt—is a big red flag.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“control techniques, as the lies and discrediting behavior continue over extended periods of time, with the aim of continuing to wear down the victim’s belief in themselves”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Like with so many other forms of abuse, exhausting the victim is key in a gaslighting relationship. The victim needs to be so tired and confused about their own perceptions, that they will actually welcome the ‘knowledge’ or ‘stability’ the gaslighter will have come to represent to them over time.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“The best way to fight back in your own way is to stick to your values and be true to yourself.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Don’t expect accountability. This point has been touched on earlier, but understanding that they won’t take onus for their behavior saves a lot of time and energy. If you want to verbalize their responsibility for their actions for ease of mind, that’s certainly appropriate. But don’t expect them to take what you say to them to heart.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“You don’t owe them explanations or justifications. If anything, they owe this to their victims, but it shouldn’t be expected. Trying to explain or justify feelings to a narcissist is another way to hand them ammo. They don’t communicate, they won’t reason and they don’t care about working out issues. All they care about is winning.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Never give them ammo. Guard your thoughts, feelings, and other areas of your inner self carefully. Anything you reveal to them, they will use against you in some way.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Not only do they expect others to change to meet their needs, they also believe they’re in control of themselves and everyone/everything around them.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“They tell you that you aren’t remembering something right or that you’re plain out wrong when you know you are right. ○     They make you feel that your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to anyone else, either. ○     They withhold information, then act like they don’t know what you’re talking about. ○ They give you the silent treatment. ○     They make you doubt your own thoughts by questioning the validity of them. ○     They justify their actions because it’s for your own good. ○ They deny something ever happened.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“You can’t force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.
–Mohammad Rishad Sakhi”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Lack of accountability for their actions, and negative reaction to criticism”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Re-set your boundaries. A boundary is an unseen line in the sand. It determines the point you won’t allow others to cross over or they’ll hurt you. These are non-negotiable and others must be aware of them and respect them. But you have to know what those lines are before making them clear to others.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“You lost touch with the real you. The person you become when with a narcissistic abuser is very different from the person you were before you got involved with them. They’ve turned you into who they want you to be, making you feel lost and insecure with no sense of true purpose.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“You Become the Caretaker: In your house, you might have been the one to handle everything. In the previous chapter, we saw this dynamic at play with Justine and her mother, Kelly, in which Justine took on all the adult responsibilities. Becoming the caretaker as a child prevents you from forming your own sense of self, as you are too busy focused on other individuals. Not only this, but it will be the only way of functioning that you know! Therefore, when you grow into your adult years, you become accustomed to being with people who need to be “fixed” or cared for. You may be unable to emotionally connect with those who have a secure attachment.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you. I left because the longer I stayed, the less I loved myself.
–Rupi Kaur”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“Self-destructive behavior: When someone has been in a controlling relationship long enough, they carry on with the feelings of shame and fault even after the relationship has ended. This can flow over into forms of self-harm and substance abuse to continue with what the abuser did to them. ●     Overly obliging: Being forced to make the needs and wants of another person a number one priority from wake up until bedtime can result in extending the people-pleasing into other areas of your life. ●     Trust issues: Being mentally abused to the point where a person doubts themselves, or doesn’t even trust themselves or others, it can create severe trust issues. This can even lead to more severe concerns such as social anxiety. It instills mistrust of what others say, what they really mean and their sincerity. ●     Emotionally disconnected: It’s not uncommon to not understand how to emotionally respond to situations or people, or even express emotions at all. ●     Cognitive issues: This can be the result of the ill-treatment itself or the physical symptoms impairing health. Lack of sleep can result in many of the symptoms listed earlier as can digestive issues. Additional concerns also include memory loss, inability to concentrate, losing focus performing basic tasks or “spacing out”. ●     Inability to forgive the self: Feelings of unworthiness, shame and blame dissipate over time they never completely go away. Similar to PTSD, one small trigger can be all it takes to relive the trauma. Another aspect of this is a damaged self-worth that causes us to not make an effort to reach goals or dreams, or we self-sabotage because we’re convinced we don’t deserve happiness or success.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD

“1.          They were perfect… initially. We’ve discussed this one, but it’s worth mentioning again. A narcissist wants you to believe they’re totally into you and put you on a pedestal. Once they have you, though, they stop trying as hard and you end up being the one working to keep them. 2.          Others don’t see the narcissist the way you do. It’s hard enough to see it yourself, but when those around you, especially their friends and family, make excuses for them, you start doubting yourself even more. Stick to what you see. 3.          They’re making you look bad. In order to maintain their facade of perfection, they make you look like a bad person. Usually this involves spreading rumors, criticizing you behind your back, or creating lies you supposedly told. The worst part is that when you try rectifying the situation, or laying the blame where it should belong, the narcissist uses your defense to back their own lies. It’s frustrating because the generous, wonderful person they displayed initially is what those around you still see, even if you see them for who they really are. 4.          You feel symptoms of anxiety and/or depression. The toxic person may have caused you to worry about not acting the way you’re expected to, or that you haven’t done something right or good enough. In making this person your entire world, you may lose sleep, have no interest in things you used to or have developed a, “What’s the point?” attitude. You essentially absorb all of the negative talk and treatment so deeply, you believe it all. This is a dangerous mindset to be in so if you feel you’re going any steps down this path, seek outside help as soon as possible. 5.          You have unexplained physical ailments. It’s not surprising that when you internalize a great deal of negativity, you begin to feel unwell. Some common symptoms that aren’t related to any ongoing condition might be: changes in appetite, stomach issues, body aches, insomnia, and fatigue. These are typical bodily responses to stress, but if they intensify or become chronic, see a physician as soon as you can. 6.          You feel alone. Also a common symptom of abuse. If things are really wrong, the narcissist may have isolated you from friends or family either by things they’ve done themselves or by making you believe no one is there for you. 7.          You freeze. When you emotionally remove yourself from the abuse, you’re freezing. It’s a coping mechanism to reduce the intensity of the way you’re being treated by numbing out the pain. 8.          You don’t trust yourself even with simple decisions. When your self-esteem has been crushed through devaluing and criticism, it’s no wonder you can’t make decisions. If you’re also being gaslighted, it adds another layer of self-doubt. 9.          You can’t make boundaries. The narcissist doesn’t have any, nor do they respect them, which is why it’s difficult to keep them away even after you’ve managed to get away. Setting boundaries will be discussed in greater detail in an upcoming chapter. 10.    You lost touch with the real you. The person you become when with a narcissistic abuser is very different from the person you were before you got involved with them. They’ve turned you into who they want you to be, making you feel lost and insecure with no sense of true purpose. 11.    You never feel like you do anything right. We touched on this briefly above, but this is one of the main signs of narcissistic abuse. Looking at the big picture, you may be constantly blamed when things go wrong even when it isn’t your fault. You may do something exactly the way they tell you to, but they still find fault with the results. It’s similar to how a Private feels never knowing when the Drill Sergeant will find fault in their efforts. 12.    You walk on eggshells. This happens when you try avoiding any sort of conflict, maltreatment or backlash by going above and beyond to make the abuser happy.”
― Linda Hill, Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD