Starter Villain Quotes

“I didn’t need another cat. At this point in my brilliant career as an itinerant educator I could barely afford to feed myself. But then, no one ever needs a cat these days. That’s not why we have cats. We have cats because they amuse us and because otherwise our clothes would lack the texture only cat hair can provide.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Can we start with the cat?” I asked, sitting. CATS, Hera typed. PERSEPHONE IS MY INTERN. Persephone looked at me and mewed. “Paid internship, I hope,” I joked. OF COURSE, Hera typed back. WE’RE ANIMALS, NOT MONSTERS. I paused. “Do you actually get paid?” I asked my cat. YES. “How much?” MORE THAN YOU.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Don’t swim with the dolphins during a labor dispute. No matter how much they try to convince you otherwise”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Sounds risky.” I’M A CAT, I CAN HANDLE RISK. WORST-CASE SCENARIO IS I LOSE EVERYTHING AND I STILL GET FED AND HAVE A PLACE TO NAP. “That’s … a surprisingly chill way of thinking about things.” SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER NOT TO BE A HUMAN, CHARLIE.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“DOGS ARE THE WORST. THEY’LL SELL YOU OUT FOR A TREAT AND A HEAD PAT.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me,” I said. “I’m mostly joking with you.” “That ‘mostly’ is doing a lot of work in that sentence.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Has he?” “Passed on?” “Yes.” “He was dead when he arrived here,” Chesterfield said. “Do you expect that condition to change?” “It would be unusual if it did.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“I expected the members of Earth’s leading society of villains to be smarter,” I said. “I don’t know why.” “They’re smarter in movies and books.” “They would have to be, wouldn’t they?” Morrison said. “In the real world, they can be what people like them usually are: a bunch of dudes born into money who used that money to take advantage of other people to make even more money. It works great until they start believing that being rich makes them smart, and then they get in trouble.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Maybe I’m just better with cats than people, and cats seem to know that.” “That’s the toxoplasmosis talking.” “I’m sure it is.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“A stupid villain threatens, Charlie. A smarter villain offers a service.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“...I'm here on an island in the Caribbean, being told I need to talk to the dolphins in the middle of a labor action about some whales that might have torpedoes, armed by a secret society of villains who want access to a storeroom full of objects probably looted from the victims of the friggin' Nazis and who are maybe willing to blow up -my volcano lair- to get it.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“So we’re like Spotify, but for evil.” “We’re much less evil than Spotify. We actually pay a living wage to the people whose work we’re selling.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“When people name cats, they usually do it in one of three categories: food, physical characteristics or mythology,” Morrison explained. “So, you name your cat Sugar, or Smudge, or Zeus. You went with mythology.” “What about people who name their cats for characters in fantasy books?” I picked up Hera’s food bowl from her mat, and got a smaller bowl for the kitten. “Gandalf. Sauron. That sort of thing.” “Covered under mythology.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Did you train that cat to attack people?” Jacobs asked. “No,” I said. “She’s just a good judge of character.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Hi, Charlie,” the dolphin said. “I’m Who Gives a Shit, and these are my associates Don’t Care, Fuck You, Fuck Off, Burn It Down, and Eat the Rich.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“I'm thinking."
"You're bleeding."
"I can do both.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“How dead do you think Gratas wants me?” I asked her. “You mean on a scale of one to ten, where one is ‘live and let live’ and ten is ‘murder you slow, bury your corpse in the woods, then dig you up to shit on your skull’? Maybe an eight.” “Okay, good.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“How are you so smart?” I asked, suddenly confronting myself with the fact that a cat was typing and understood theories of class and labor. “No offense, but your brain is the size of a walnut.”

HOW ARE SO MANY HUMANS SO UNINTELLIGENT? Hera typed back. THEY HAVE BRAINS THE SIZE OF SEVERAL WALNUTS.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“HUMANS DO A GOOD JOB OF MAKING OUTCASTS,”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“What do you want to do first, then?” “I want to throw up from stress,” I said. “But let’s visit the dolphins instead.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Your uncle didn’t make mistakes.” “The note with the berry spoons,” I said. “Your uncle rarely made mistakes,” Morrison amended.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“And don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, including ‘and’ and ‘the.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“But you’re not anymore, are you? Now you’re management! A suppurating bourgeois fistula of oppression!” “Bourgeois fistula! Bourgeois fistula!” the rest of the dolphins chimed in unison. “Not going to lie, I appreciate your way with words,” I said. “Don’t condescend to us, you ambulatory collection of skin tags,” Who Gives a Shit said. “If you’re just going to continue your uncle’s repressive labor policies, you can fuck off right into the sun.” “Sun fucking! Sun fucking!”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“But then Mrs. Tum-Tum—” “I’m sorry.” I held up a hand. “Missus who?” “Mrs. Tum-Tum,” Livgren repeated. “The head of the Feline Intelligence Division.” I looked over to Morrison. “She’s called Mrs. Tum-Tum?” “Yes, and?” “I don’t know,” I confessed. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting to have a serious discussion involving someone called Mrs. Tum-Tum.” “It’s not her fault,” Morrison said. “Some human named her when she was a kitten. Humans give cats really shitty names sometimes. Blame the human, not the cat.” “Does Mrs. Tum-Tum have a first name?” Morrison looked at me oddly. “No, it’s just Mrs. Tum-Tum. Or, if you want to be formal about it, Director Mrs. Tum-Tum.” “Not just Director Tum-Tum?” “No, because Mrs. Tum-Tum is her name. The ‘Missus’ part isn’t an honorific.” “Are—” “Charlie, could you actually fucking focus for a moment?” Morrison asked. “Right, sorry,” I said, and turned back to Livgren. “Director Mrs. Tum-Tum,” I prompted.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Everyone who could make someone else’s day worse, but tries to make it better instead. Thank you. It’s more important than you think.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Jake looked better now, dead, than I did, alive. Certainly less stressed.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“Cats are fucking class traitors,”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“No!" I held up my hand, and then looked around the room, at the room full of probably-assassins.
"Do any of you know my uncle personally?’"
No one responded.
"How many of you are here to make sure that he’s dead?"
All the hands went up.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“But then, no one ever needs a cat these days. That’s not why we have cats. We have cats because they amuse us and because otherwise our clothes would lack the texture only cat hair can provide.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain

“All the flowers were gorgeous, in fact. The ones with “See you in Hell” emblazoned on the sash were white roses, Asiatic lilies, football mums, carnations and blue delphinium, or so Chesterfield told me when I came up to it to get a better look. Another standing spray featured hot pink roses and carnations, orange lilies, yellow sunflowers, lavender stock and green Athos poms, as well as the sentiment of “Not soon enough.” I have to say I was especially taken with the basket arrangement of lavender daisy poms, mums, white roses, snapdragons and Monte Cassino, with the words “Suck it, motherfucker” lovingly engraved onto the base of its gorgeously ornate vase. There were others, but these were a representative sample.”
― John Scalzi, Starter Villain