Something Rotten Quotes

“If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher. Overlong, detailed to the point of distraction-and ultimately, without a major resolution.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Sorry," [Hamlet] said, rubbing his temples. "I don't know what came over me. All of a sudden I had this overwhelming desire to talk for a very long time without actually doing anything.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“History has rewritten itself so many times I'm not really sure how it was to begin with -- it's a bit like trying to guess the original color of a wall when it's been repainted eight times.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“To espresso or to latte, that is the question...whether 'tis tastier on the palate to choose white mocha over plain...or to take a cup to go. Or a mug to stay, or extra cream, or have nothing, and by opposing the endless choice, end one's heartache...”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Sometimes I don't know whether I'm thening or nowing.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“There's something rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet says...it's payback time!”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“If it's a chimera alert, we just follows the screams. ”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then — and this is the important bit — do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“I suggest we depict penguins as callous and unfeeling creatures who insist on bringing up their children in what is little more than a large chest freezer.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“To each our own Hamlet.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“[from the television show,"Evade the Question Time"]

At the end of the first round, I will award three points to Mr. Kaine for an excellent nonspecific condemnation, plus one bonus point for blaming the previous government and another for successfully mutating the question to promote the party line. Mr. van de Poste gets a point for a firm rebuttal, but only two points for his condemnation, as he tried to inject an impartial and intelligent observation.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“I am by turns a petulant adolescent and a mature man, a melancholy loner and a wit telling actors their trade. I cannot decide whether I'm a philosopher or a moping teenager, a poet or a murderer, a procrastinator or a man of action. I might be truly mad or sane pretending to be mad or even mad pretending to be sane.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“For a taste that's a bit more distinct, eat a bird before it's extinct.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“You killed my pappy," said the youth, "and my pappy's pappy. And his pappy's pappy. And my brothers Jethro, Hank, Hoss, Red, Peregrine, Marsh, Junior, Dizzy, Luke, Peregrine, George and all the others. I'm callin' you out, lawman.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“If you even *need* a government, added Stig, "you are a life-form flawed beyond redemption.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Hamlet would worry about having nothing to worry about if he had nothing to worry about,”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“I have a mother,"replied Hamlet gloomily as he bowed politely and kissed my mother's hand."She shares my uncle's bed."
"They should buy another one, in that case," she replied, practical as ever. "They do a very good deal at IKEA, I'm told. ...”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“If this were a novel, you'd have to start a new chapter as soon as I appeared.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“He shook his head, looked around carefully and then lowered his voice. “Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then—and this is the important bit—do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.” “Thanks,”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Emperor,” I said, “if a character has run its course, then it’s run its course. What do you want me to do? Go and talk the author out of it?” “Would you?” replied Zhark, opening his eyes wide. “Would you really do that?” “No. You can’t have characters trying to tell their authors what to write in their books. Besides, within your books you are truly evil and need to be punished.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Some things are worth going to jail for, Victor,” replied Bowden in an even tone. “As LiteraTecs we swore to uphold and defend the written word—not indulge a crazed politician’s worst paranoic fantasies.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Well, you’re AWOL at best and a cheese smuggler at worst. So we’ve concocted a cover story of such bizarre complexity and outrageous daring that it can only be true. Here it is: in a parallel universe ruled entirely by lobsters, you—”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Life, I decided, would be good, and more than that, unusual.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Our position as the policing agency within fiction gave us licensed access to abstract technology. One blast from the eraserhead in Bradshaw’s rifle and the Minotaur would be reduced to the building blocks of his fictional existence: text and a bluish mist—all that is left when the bonds that link text to meaning are severed.”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten

“Hamlet had started to tremble, a look of pain and hopelessness on his face as he stared wild-eyed at the huge choice laid out in front of him. “To espresso or to latte, that is the question,” he muttered, his free will evaporating rapidly. I had asked Hamlet for something he couldn’t easily supply: a decision. “Whether ’tis tastier on the palate to choose white mocha over plain,” he continued in a rapid garble, “or to take a cup to go. Or a mug to stay, or extra cream, or have nothing, and by opposing the endless choice, end one’s heartache—” “Cousin Eddie!” I said sharply. “Cut it out!” “To froth, to sprinkle, perchance to drink, and in that—”
― Jasper Fforde, Something Rotten