If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe Quotes

“Sometimes when life’s Warning Light won’t stop flashing, the best thing you can do is just put some electrician’s tape over it.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine. We have to get the guy to stay willingly.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Have you ever found yourself obsessively watching a TV show you don’t actually enjoy? That probably means you’re just watching your parasite’s favorite show.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“We were just about to head to the lake to do that thing where we celebrate America’s birthday by terrifying all of its dogs,”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“The most effective manipulation always comes with the illusion of choice; it feels less like a whip and more like quenching a thirst.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“It was a skill one could acquire with practice, the way mechanics can tell what repairs your car needs just by looking at how expensive your shoes are.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Humans act like assholes when they’re scared. Anybody who’s trying to keep you scared all the time just wants to breed more assholes into the world. Don’t let them do it.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Their true wealth is invisible to them because it comes in the form of what they’re missing: that constant hum of anxiety that sucks the energy from the rest of us. If their refrigerator craps out, they can fix it. If they fall down the stairs, their insurance will cover the hospital bill. If the breadwinner loses his job, he’ll have his pick of landing spots. When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“At the level of poverty where we exist—not starving but hopelessly locked out of the middle class—it feels like flying over an active volcano on the back of a winged creature that is friendly but also very drunk.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Don’t romanticize people’s flaws. That’s what’s wrong with our culture.” “No. What’s ruining the culture is worshipping people who pretend they don’t have flaws. We’re all broken. And you couldn’t pull this off because you didn’t have John.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“It tasted like a meal that was prepared sarcastically.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“I’d previously assumed we’d done everything in our lives perfectly up to now.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“You’re probably not gonna save the world, but you can save individual people’s worlds, and that’s still pretty sweet.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“We all made choices and here we are, all still alive, all able to make more choices. That’s the best you’re going to get, the chance to keep trying. If it turns out it’s all an illusion or a dream or whatever, so what? Your choices are your choices, they’re the only thing that’s real because they’re the only part you can control.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Never forget, David, that devils have soft hands. The most effective manipulation always comes with the illusion of choice; it feels less like a whip and more like quenching a thirst.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“But the reason it had to be us is that the three of us understand something that most people don't. The devil is real, but he doesn't turn up in a red suit with hooves. You have to imagine him as like a disease that you get-you pass it on and you don't even know it. Educated people don't call it the devil; they call it trauma. It rewires your brain and tries to spread itself down to the next generation and the one after that, the pain rolling down through time. The old man talking to you in your dreams, I think you know that he's just you, the man you can wind up being if you go down this path.
All that about the end of the world? The best and worst news you're gonna hear all day is this: There's no such thing. It's another one of Dave's fake painted-on exits. You try to end it, and instead of release, it's just waves of trauma. The devil wins. You hate your dad and you should; he poured all his sickness into you. But if you want to fight him, the way you do it is by making sure you don't pass on the trauma. That's how you kill the devil. The only way.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Now turn off whatever machine you’re reading this on and go the fuck outside.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“The one who survives longest gets to attend all their friends’ funerals, then they go out, too, confused and crapping their pants. This right here is mercy.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“I don’t want you shooting anybody today,” said Amy, “even if solving a complicated problem by shooting it is just about the most American thing I can imagine.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“When I daydream about having money, it’s not about jewelry and Jacuzzis and Jet Skis. I dream about having that unseen cushion, that margin of error I can just take for granted.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“I hope you like your ribs BARBECUED, bitch!” is what I’d think to say later but didn’t at the time.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“I swear to God, science has not yet invented the kind of ass-beating these nerds deserve.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“A huge TV over a fireplace played what looked like a horror movie about a creepy pair of identical twins who go around renovating houses.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Once upstairs, Regina unlocked the bedroom door and stepped aside. Bas’s room was what I imagined my high school bullies went home to every night. A shelf with trophies. A row of autographed pictures of famous athletes on the wall. A framed news story about a high school football team, presumably his, winning a state championship. A TV positioned so that he could play video games from his bed. Dirty clothes scattered on the floor, mostly T-shirts and shorts. In one corner, there was an altar built out of human bones, topped with a glowing skull that was floating two inches from its stone base, slowing spinning in circles. I said, “Anything jump out at you?” “I’m going to go check around the altar.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“It is okay to be fearful. When we do not allow ourselves to show fear, the emotion simply comes back in a much uglier disguise.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Being a teenager means feeling like you’re alone; getting older means realizing you never were.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Our personalities are just like water in mud puddles, filling in the holes of other people’s expectations.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“Are we living in a simulation, Doctor?” “You already know my beliefs on that subject. I am a Christian man, in my own way, so of course I believe we are living in a simulation, yes.” John said, “Wait, you do?” “The very first words of the scriptures state that our universe is a creation and a temporary one at that. Considering that, on at least one occasion, God and Satan placed a wager on the outcome of human affairs, calling this a simulation, or even a game, seems entirely appropriate.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“based on what we know about the universe, every appeal to a higher power for intervention is, in fact, asking for said intervention to occur in a timeline that has already been firmly cemented in reality. We only know of a crisis when a certain domino is poised to fall: after symptoms of the tumor have manifested, after the aircraft’s engine has failed, after the employer’s business has gone under. Avoiding it requires infinite shattered teacups to be reversed, reassembled, and their contents unspilled.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe

“John said, "The good news is, you tame that monster and you can put it to work for you. Achieve great things." Bas scoffed. "What, like become a self-help guru?"
"Yeah. If you want. All we know is that there are certain people who stand out, for whatever reason. The crowd adopts their vibe; people naturally want to imitate it. It's like a superpower. You're probably not gonna save the world, but you can save individual people's worlds, and that's still pretty sweet.”
― Jason Pargin, If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe