Fear of Intimacy Quotes

“The main fact of life for me is love or its absence. Whether life is worth living depends for me on whether there is love in life. Without a sense of it, or even the memory…of it, I think I would lose heart completely. (p. vii)”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“Longevity in a relationship does not imply that it is a productive or satisfying relationship. Relationships based on a strong fantasy bond may endure, but they usually manifest a gradual erosion of the spirit, individuality, and emotional health of the partners. In a relationship it is the individuals who matter, not the couple or family unit. Couples and families are merely abstractions, not real entities. The individuals concerned are very real and do matter. Similarly, one can only analyze the value of a social system or society by analyzing its effect on its members: If the individual members are flourishing, it is constructive; if they are impaired or suffering under the social process, then it is obviously destructive.”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“A healthy person has to learn again to be “selfish.” We have to learn to be honestly selfish, that is, we have to honestly face our needs and our feelings and face what we really want from others in our relationships. The more we face our simple wants, the more we can be straightforward in our expression to the people closest to us and to ourselves. We have to give up parental, rejecting, critical, evaluative attitudes toward our simple wishes and feelings. We have to feel what we want and stop accusing ourselves of being babyish when we want things.
  When we pursue our goals in an honest and direct manner, without deception, we actually are more moral and tend to have respect and empathy for other people. There is a sense of value for both ourselves and others. Following one’s own motives and inclinations, within acceptable limits (with the exception of violations of the other’s boundaries), does not lead to chaos or immoral behavior. On the other hand, the hypocritical attitudes and dishonesty inherent in turning away from our needs often leads us to be more destructive or hostile to friends and loved ones.”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“When children are taught that personal wants and desires are selfish, there is a resultant guilt reaction and movement toward a state of selflessness. However, our wants and desires make up a major part of our identity. When they are suppressed, we don’t know who we are, and without a sense of self, we lose compassion for others (Firestone, 1987b, 1997a).”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“In our opinion, love is the one force that is capable of easing existential despair and the endemic pain of the human condition.”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy

“To people who were not seen or were misunderstood as children, the experience of being seen as a person can be very moving, tantamount to a spiritual experience.”
― Robert W. Firestone, Fear of Intimacy