The Way We Survive Quotes

“The stigma around rape and survival is already profound, so when it's committed by someone else in the queer community, the stigma is compounded by queerphobia and various myths like 'women can't rape women'. If you add the stigma of rape to the stigma of being queer, the reality becomes a cruel and silencing world that invalidates you from every angle.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“When I talk of my assault, I find myself avoiding the brutal facts. (...) why can't I say, 'when I was sexually assaulted' or 'when I was sexually abused' or the most dreaded of all: 'when I was raped'? (...)
The real words hit me in the stomach, open me up as I try to say them more often in all the truth that they are. Th words, the truth of what happened, sometimes become more muddied than the acts themselves, slick with the shame and guilt society has taught us to feel as survivors of sexual violence. You worry it'll make you seem dramatic or 'crazy', that it'll make you seem too loud or too controversial. You worry that it'll make the person you're talking to uncomfortable, and you know it'll make you uncomfortable. But aren't we already uncomfortable? The silencing of the truth, the avoidance of reality, perpetuates the stigma that already falls so hard on survivors. This use of language is not a fault of us survivors - really, it's a strength; a way of protecting ourselves from the harshness of what the world thinks of us. We have to protect ourselves and we do so with euphemisms and brevities. We make things just that bit easier for ourselves by not having to voice the terrors of our pasts. We make the words lighter because we think it will stop them feeling so heavy.
We shouldn't have to use these devices to protect ourselves - we should already feel safe in speaking our truths. We should be supported by those around us in our society to speak our realities, and we should be allowed to use whichever words feel right in expressing ourselves. With the risk of being predictable here, let's compare the use of language of rape culture to the usual honesty used with other crimes: 'when I was beaten up', 'when my house was broken into'. For these crimes we don't use timid, cotton-wooled language. The crimes, though obviously very different in nature, still consist of some person taking something from another; they all consist of a victim who was not to blame; they all are a form of violence. The language used when talking of sexual assault and rape extends the shame and guilt that survivors suffer. The hiding, the quietness of it all, makes us wonder: was it my fault? If I can't say it out loud, if I can't put it in the right words, maybe it wan't that bad? If it just makes people feel awkward, perhaps I shouldn't bring it up, maybe I shouldn't speak of it at all?
(...) Personally I'm going to start trying to reclaim the words of the terrible things people did to me to try and clear out the tough stains of shame and guilt. I am trying to say it more. So, I will write it: I was sexually assaulted, I was sexually abused, I was raped.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“If men felt empowered to talk about sex with their partner, especially before any sexual relationship has occurred, many harmful situations could perhaps be avoided. Many men see talking about sex as embarrassing, awkward or feminine. To avoid our boys becoming men who harm women, we need to encourage them to talk openly about sex and their feelings towards it. We need to encourage them to want to talk about sex with women, to see it as a part of the process of love and relationships, instead of leaving communication as solely the burden of the feminine partner to take on. Consent doesn't have to necessarily be sexy, but it should have to be talked about in an open and understanding way.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“The stigma around rape and survival is already profound, so when it's committed by someone else in the queer community, the stigma is compounded by queer phobia and various myths like 'women can't rape women'. If you add the stigma of rape to the stigma of being queer, the reality becomes a cruel and silencing world that invalidates you from every angle.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“There is no space made for accountability; no space for people to take on board the harm they've done or to work to try to rectify or repair the situation. Simply locking people up will not teach them about male supremacy, toxic masculinity, consent and why sexual violence occurs in our societies. Further, the system breeds denial and actually reinforces a lack of accountability from those who have committed harm - think of the defence attorney appointed on behalf of accused perpetrators to vehemently deny any wrongdoing. The concept of 'innocent until proven guilty' reigns supreme, with all efforts going towards maintaining innocence rather than encouraging accountability. Wealthy, powerful men are taught to sue those who accuse them in any public capacity.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“This act of paying attention to non-verbal cues seems to be one based in the skill of empathy a skill previously discussed as being difficult at times for some that conform to society's tropes of masculinity to access. Can empathy, deep understanding and connection be 'taught' in a conventional sense in our current sex-education classes? Can we teach boys to value their partner's pleasure on an equal par to their own with our current systems? Or, more likely, is a radical change needed throughout all of our socialisations and educations?”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“The trouble with these times wasn't even really the individual scenarios or men themselves, but the societal conditioning that surrounded our two bodies. I would put pressure on myself, for I had been socialised to please, socialised to find it easier to get it over and done with. The men would be socialised to seek pleasure first, to touch before asking. I would usually be seeking validation or a way to rewrite the endings of my own traumatic past. These unplaceable times would often find our gendered selves falling into our written roles. Was it the drink leading us to lazily fit our stereotypes, or perhaps the inherent pressure of modern intimacy?”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture

“If someone says they feel like an experience of theirs was assault and that they feel violated, the response should be quite simple: believe them. Telling someone they weren't hurt won't make it so. It will only confuse and invalidate them, usually them in further mental distreess, deeper in the shame they've been told they should have. Another person saying that a painful experience didn't happen will never negate the fact that, for the survivor, it did.”
― Catriona Morton, The Way We Survive: Notes on Rape Culture