10 Things That Never Happened Quotes

“You've come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you're not. You try to fix things I didn't even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I've somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I..." He lets his head slip further down into his hands. "...I don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Jonathan's face is absolutely thunderous. It's like he wants to fire everyone in the room but can't because they're his family and that's not how it works.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I step forward like a deer stepping in front of another deer in the mistaken belief it's immune to being hit by cars.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Because you can’t hurt someone unless they care.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I find him in pets looking at cat treats. And when he spots me, he gets this expression on his face like I caught him with porn.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Gollum starts rubbing himself all over Jonathan's legs.
Jonathon looks down in a bit of a panic. "What's it doing?"
"Scent marking. He owns you now."
"He does not."
"You'll have to take that up with him."
...
"Can you make it stop?"
"Liking you? Give it time. He'll work it out.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I know you're being sarcastic, but I do. I do see you."
He folds his arms, leaning slightly away from me. "And what is it you think you see?"
"I see someone driven and ambitious who's been told those are bad things when they're not. I see someone who cares but doesn't know how to show it. I see someone who thinks he's got to be alone, so he pretends it's a choice." I stand up before he can object or reply or anything. "Also, you're surprisingly good with cats.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“We've been talking for less than five minutes and I already want to stick his pencil up his nose.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I don't want it if I can't have it with you.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“How tiny?"
I put my fingers about half a centimetre apart.
"I'm not sure that's medically useful."
I inch them slightly further apart.
"Still not."
Giving up the fingers method as a bad job, I explain using my mouth words.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Yeah."
"Good."
We both continue to be shit at telephones.
"So, I suppose..." he tries.
We both continue to be extremely shit at telephones.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Jonathan recoils slightly. "That is..." Being nice doesn't come easy to Jonathan Forest, but being nice about Gollum doesn't come easy to anybody. "an interesting-looking pet," he finishes.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“He’s become my dickhead boss whose baggage I’ve seen, whose family I know, whose laugh I’ve heard. And I’m not sure I want to go my whole life without kissing him again either.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“You’ve come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you’re not. You try to fix things I didn’t even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I’ve somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I…” He lets his head slip further down into his hands. “…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I don't think he'll be able to tell. Memory is peculiar. Worst comes to absolute worst, I'll just arrange to get whacked on the head again and say that's brought everything back."

"That's not a thing... You don't undo brain damage with more brain damage.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Don’t be obtuse,” he snarls, swinging back full Jonathan. “I’m not being obtuse. You’re being evasive.” “Well, what am I supposed to say? That living with you is—that you are—that I can’t.” He tries again. “That this is—” And promptly gives up. I turn to stare at him, not quite incredulous but near enough you can see it on sign posts. “Jonathan, are trying to say that you’re into me?” “How can I not be?” He flops forward with his elbows on his knees and his brow against his fingertips. “You’ve come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you’re not. You try to fix things I didn’t even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I’ve somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I…” He lets his head slip further down into his hands. “…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I’m sure there is, somewhere in the world, a man who drives a BMW and is not a bellend but I’ve not met him.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Will you give me a key? Will you ring your neighbours and say, hi, if you see a tiny angry lesbian crawling through my front window, don’t worry, she’s just there for the cat.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“If you go through life expecting other people to feel the feelings you feel like they should be feeling, you're going to make things very hard on yourself.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Angry's easier than sad, especially for blokes.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“No matter which part of the country you're from, turning down a cup of tea is basically an unforgivable social taboo.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“The pisser with Christmas is that it's big. Too big. Pointlessly big. People make it into this massive thing and when you get right down to it, it's just a day. Like any day. And it's not fair on anybody to have all that pressure on it.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“I slope out to the front of the store to have a think, and find Tiff outside taking an unscheduled break. It's something she does sometimes, and the one time I confronted her about it she pointed out that if she smoked, then going outside to have a quick ciggy would be completely socially acceptable so by normalising that and not allowing non-smokers equivalent mental health space, I was reinforcing destructive habits.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“Management's more like washing up. Any sense of achievement is fleeting.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“The way I see it, if you don't want people calling you a dick, you shouldn't be a dick.”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“It's kind of fucked, how much bad you have to fight through to feel something good. And then the good is so overwhelming it almost hurts again. (p. 324)”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened

“We spend a good few minutes wrangling with nachos. To be honest, they’re a good fit for the very unusual occasion of two people who are blatantly into each other having a meal where they have to pretend they aren’t. They’re not so messy it’s embarrassing, they require just enough cooperation that you’ve got to interact, but not so much it gets sexy”
― Alexis Hall, 10 Things That Never Happened