The Internet is a Playground Quotes

“Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear?”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“should check the Internet and make sure everything on there is correct.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“If you had managed to persuade my mother not to procreate, I would not exist to send you the plans for constructing your own time machine in which to travel back in time to persuade my mother not to procreate. Apparently, this is known as a pair of ducks.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“the old man dance, where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music volume, and sit down for a rest.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“went away for a week recently, and when I got back and checked my e-mail, I had eight hundred and forty-three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for Viagra, and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Like a priest carrying home their first computer after hearing about child pornography on the internet, I was practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation during the drive to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“If I, too, knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it, and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the Son of God.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“go fuck a squirel”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I don’t understand why I have to go to school at all, the Internet knows more than all the teachers there put together.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall that is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring, but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems some have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, though, so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odorless gas so should not prove an issue for my son’s Cub group sleepover.
Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack, so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self-aware between now and when the lease runs out.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“Like a priest carrying home his first computer after hearing about child pornography on the Internet, I was practically foaming at the mouth in anticipation during the drive to the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum. I”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius