What Happened To You? Quotes

“What I’ve learned from talking to so many victims of traumatic events, abuse, or neglect is that after absorbing these painful experiences, the child begins to ache. A deep longing to feel needed, validated, and valued begins to take hold. As these children grow, they lack the ability to set a standard for what they deserve. And if that lack is not addressed, what often follows is a complicated, frustrating pattern of self-sabotage, violence, promiscuity, or addiction.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“We elicit from the world what we project into the world; but what you project is based upon what happened to you as a child.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“It’s interesting-most people think about therapy as something that involves going in and undoing what’s happened. But whatever your past experiences created in your brain, the associations exist and you can’t just delete them. You can’t get rid of the past.
Therapy is more about building new associations, making new, healthier default pathways. It is almost as if therapy is taking your two-lane dirt road and building a four-lane freeway alongside it. The old road stays, but you don’t use it much anymore. Therapy is building a better alternative, a new default. And that takes repetition, and time, honestly, it works best if someone understands how the brain changes. This is why understanding how trauma impacts our health is essential for everyone.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else. All of us who have been broken and scarred by trauma have the chance to turn those experiences into what Dr Perry and I have been talking about: Post Traumatic Wisdom.

Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Step out of your history and into the path of your future. My friend, the poet Mark Nepo says that the pain was necessary in order to know the truth. But we don't have to keep the pain alive in order to keep the truth alive. I made peace with my mother when I stopped comparing her to the mother I wished I had, when I stopped clinging to what should or could have been and turned to what was and what could be.

Because what I know for sure, is that everything that has happened to you, was also happening for you, and all that time, in all of those moments, you were building strength. Strength times strength times strength equals power. What happened to you can be your power.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Because what I know for sure is that everything that has happened to you was also happening for you. And all that time, in all of those moments, you were building strength. Strength times strength times strength equals power. What happened to you can be your power. — Oprah”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. Z”
― Isaac Asimov, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“So I’m not crazy?” “No. Your brain is doing exactly what you would expect it to do considering what you lived through.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Our major finding is that your history of relational health—your connectedness to family, community, and culture—is more predictive of your mental health than your history of adversity (see Figure 8). This is similar to the findings of other researchers looking at the power of positive relationships on health. Connectedness has the power to counterbalance adversity.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“you can’t give what you don’t get. If no one ever spoke to you, you can’t speak; if you have never been loved, you can’t be loving.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“the most powerful form of reward is relational. Positive interactions with people are rewarding and regulating. Without connection to people who care for you, spend time with you, and support you, it is almost impossible to step away from any form of unhealthy reward and regulation.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“The experiences in the first years of life are disproportionately powerful in shaping how your brain organizes.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Most people who are in the process of excavating the reasons they do what they do are met at some point with resistance. “You’re blaming the past.” “Your past is not an excuse.” This is true. Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation—offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves: Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I do? For me, there is no doubt that our strengths, vulnerabilities, and unique responses are an expression of what happened to us. Very often, “what happened” takes years to reveal itself. It takes courage to confront our actions, peel back the layers of trauma in our lives, and expose the raw truth of our past. But this is where healing begins.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Think about how you’ve handled difficulty in your own life. With things that are very hard to deal with, you don’t want to talk about the pain or loss or fear for forty-five minutes nonstop. You want to talk with a really good friend for maybe two or three minutes about some aspect of it. When it gets too painful, you step back, you want to be distracted. And maybe you want to talk more later on. It is the therapeutic dosing that leads to real healing. Moments. Fully present, powerful, and brief.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“The pillars of traditional healing were 1) connection to clan and the natural world; 2) regulating rhythm through dance, drumming, and song; 3) a set of beliefs, values, and stories that brought meaning to even senseless, random trauma; and 4) on occasion, natural hallucinogens or other plant-derived substances used to facilitate healing with the guidance of a healer or elder. It is not surprising that today’s best practices in trauma treatment are basically versions of these four things”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Now, as I’ve suggested before, what is adaptive for children living in chaotic, violent, trauma-permeated environments becomes maladaptive in other environments-especially school. The hypervigilance of the Alert state is mistaken for ADHD; the resistance and defiance of Alarm and Fear get labeled as oppositional defiant disorder; flight behavior gets them suspended from school; fight behavior gets them charged with assault. The pervasive misunderstanding of trauma-related behavior has a profound effect on our educational, mental health, and juvenile justice systems.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Trauma leaves your shipwrecked. You are left to rebuild your inner world. Part of the rebuilding, the healing process, is revisiting the shattered hull of your old worldview; you sift through the wreckage looking for what remains, seeking your broken pieces…as you revisit the ship-wreck, piece by piece, you find a fragment and move it to your new, safer place in the now-altered landscape. You build a new worldview. That takes time. And many visits to the wreckage. And this process involves both unconscious and conscious repetitive “reenactment” behaviors, or writing, drawing, sculpting, or playing. Again and again, you revisit the site of the earthquake, look through the wreckage, take something, and move it to a safe haven. That’s part of the healing process.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“We need to understand that victims of trauma are more prone to all forms of addiction because their baseline of stress is different.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Marginalized peoples—excluded, minimized, shamed—are traumatized peoples, because as we’ve discussed, humans are fundamentally relational creatures. To be excluded or dehumanized in an organization, community, or society you are part of results in prolonged, uncontrollable stress that is sensitizing (see Figure 3). Marginalization is a fundamental trauma. This is why I believe that a truly trauma-informed system is an anti-racist system. The destructive effects of racial marginalizing are pervasive and severe.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“And since your brainstem can’t tell time, or know that many years have passed, it activates the stress response and you have a full-blown threat response. You feel and act as if you are under attack. Your brainstem can’t say, ‘Hey, don’t get so stirred up, Korea was thirty years ago. That sound was simply a motorcycle backfiring.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“So often we use the word snapped when we don’t know where a burst of anger is coming from or why someone is having a violent reaction. Well, now we know: Something has happened in the moment that triggers one of the brain’s trauma memories. And because the lower, non-rational parts of the brain are its first responders, they immediately set off stress responses that then shut off the reasonable part of the brain. And so that “burst” of violence is actually the result of some highly organized processes in the brain. And in this case, the first thing the school is going to say is, What’s wrong with him?”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“What I’ve learned from talking to so many victims of traumatic events, abuse, or neglect is that after absorbing these painful experiences, the child begins to ache. A deep longing to feel needed, validated, and valued begins to take hold. As these children grow, they lack the ability to set a standard for what they deserve. And if that lack is not addressed, what often follows is a complicated, frustrating pattern of self-sabotage, violence, promiscuity, or addiction.”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Your connectedness to other people is so key to buffering any current stressor—and to healing from past trauma. Being with people who are present, supportive, and nurturing. Belonging.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“...the speed with which we're inventing our world is outpacing our avility to understand the impact of our inventions.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“In the wake of trauma, the hardest thing to understand is that nothing and no one can take away the pain. And yet that’s exactly what we desperately want to do-because we are social creatures, subject to emotional contagion, and when we’re around people who are hurting, we hurt too. We don’t want to hurt. It is hard to sit in the midst of ruined lives and not feel the misery. It helps us regulate to try to undo or negate-to look away from others’ pain. So we make our arbitrary assumptions about people’s innate resilience. We make our sweeping declarations that allow us to marginalize traumatized children. We take our focus off the tragedy, move on with our lives, telling ourselves that “they” will be okay. But as we continue to see in our discussions, the impact of trauma doesn’t simply fade away. We can help each other heal, but often assumptions about resilience and grit blind us to the healing that leads us down the painful path to wisdom.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“Dr. Perry: That’s a wonderful example of the glue of love. It is in the small moments, when we feel the other person fully present, fully engaged, connected, and accepting, that we make the most powerful, enduring bonds.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“stress is not something to be afraid of or avoided. It is the controllability, pattern, and intensity of stress that can cause problems.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“What happened to you as an infant has a profound impact on this capacity to love and be loved.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“When we meet someone, we form a first impression (“He seems like a really nice guy”), frequently with no apparent information on which to base it. This is because attributes of the person evoke in us something we’ve previously categorized as familiar and positive. The opposite can happen (“This guy is a complete jerk”) if some attribute taps into a previous negative experience. Our brain catalogs vast amounts of input from our family, community, and culture, along with what is presented to us in the media. As it makes sense of what it’s stored, it begins to form a worldview. If we later meet someone with characteristics unlike what we’ve cataloged, our default response is to be wary, defensive. In turn, if our brains are filled with associations based upon media-driven biases about ideal body type, or racial or cultural stereotypes, for example, we will exhibit implicit biases (and maybe overt bias).”
― Oprah Winfrey, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“The elders were very patient with my curiosity, and gently amused at my Western medical-model formulations of “disease” when I asked how they handled depression, sleep problems, drug abuse, and trauma. They kept trying to help me understand that these problems were all basically the “same thing.” The problems were all interconnected. In Western psychiatry we like to separate them, but that misses the true essence of the problem. We are chasing symptoms, not healing people.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

“All of us tend to gravitate to the familiar, even when the familiar is unhealthy or destructive. We are drawn to what we were raised with.”
― Bruce D. Perry, What Happened To You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing