John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read Quotes

“To at least feel like I was doing something, I said, “Deadworld? Is that where you’re from?”
“No, dude. That’s where you’re from. It’s where we are now. This place, it’s a horror show. If the guy next to you decides to knock you out of this world forever, he can do it with just a piece of metal or, hell, even his bare hand. You blobs, you sit there, chillin’ in this room and I can smell the rot of dead animals soaking in the acid of your guts. You suck the life from the innocent creatures of this world just so you can clock another day. You’re machines that run on the terror and pain and mutilation of other lives. You’ll scrape the world clean of every green and living thing until starvation goes one-eight-seven on every one of your sorry asses, your desperation to put off death leadin’ to the ultimate death of everybody and everything. Dude, I can’t believe you ain’t all paralyzed by the pure, naked horror of this place.”
After a long, long pause John said, “Uh, thank you.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“Ma’am,” I said, “if your dog was dabbling in the occult while you had her it’s best you tell us now. We’re experts.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“Let me give you a tip: if you’re ever the victim of a terrible crime—like, say, your kid goes missing—and you see the cops consulting with a couple of white trash–looking dipshits in their late twenties, it’s time to worry. It’s not because John and I are incompetent at what we do—and I assure you, we are—but because you need to start asking yourself a very hard question. Not “Will I get my child back?” but “Do I want to get my child back?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“After you told me the part about Las Vegas, you know how I said it was the stupidest story I had ever heard?”
“You didn’t say that.”
“Well, I was thinkin’ it. But I’ve decided I owe that Las Vegas story an apology because this last thing made that one look like The Grapes of Wrath.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“To John, I muttered, "so . . . she's still here."
John snapped, "She won't fucking go! This is fucking ridiculous."
Joy looked up from her phone and said, "I dumped his stash. He's not happy."
"You . . . what?"
"The meth, the Adderall, the weed, all of it. Down the toilet it went. Whoosh. Bye-bye."
John stabbed a finger at her. "You don't get to make that decision."
I said, "You're arguing with a swarm of shape-shifting bug monsters, John."
Joy said, "And losing!”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it sir.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“How many bites do you have to take out of a shit sandwich before you figure out it's shit?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“Inappropriate laughter is the universal first sign of madness.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read

“And I see her and she’d look up at me with those green eyes and I think, hey, saving the world, that’s Hollywood bullshit. The best I can do is save this little bit of the world, this little corner that me and this girl stand in.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End / This Book Is Full Of Spiders / What the Hell Did I Just Read