Valkyrie Quotes

“No one deserves this punishment.” “What about people who put pineapple on pizza?” “Oh, well, that’s differ-”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“Basically, identifying the location of a target means that you can deliver ordnance on it. Either by yourself, with a rifle, grenade, or heavier weapons like a mortar or Javelin missile, a fireteam can do a lot of damage. For targets beyond the effective range of weapons available to a platoon, you can use the most deadly device ever developed: a radio. One of my instructors told me that four soldiers with rifles are a fireteam, but one soldier with a radio is an army. With a radio, you can call in battalion artillery, or close air support, and rain hellfire down on a target.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“Sometimes, it’s best to just bullshit your way through a situation. By the time the other realizes you were lying, it no longer matters.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“you can’t change the past. You can affect the future.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“when you’re talking through an issue with someone, it helps just to have someone listen, you know? It’s like, it helps for me to talk out loud instead of the conversation running in my own head. Also, when you talk with someone, you have to organize your thoughts so they make sense, and that forces you to think, you know?”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“I know that because whenever we went out to an Italian restaurant, my uncle Edgar warned us not to let the antipasto touch the pasta, or the table would explode.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“The test will involve me allowing the native AI to think certain ship systems are vulnerable, and seeing if it attacks.” “That actually does not sound like a great idea, Skippy.” “It is totally a brilliant idea, numbskull. I said it will think that systems are vulnerable. It will not really have access to those systems. The purpose of the test is to see what happens. Will it respond to commands, or will it cooperate like a nice AI?”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“was on my best behavior during our morning meeting, and I did drink the whole smoothie. Then I went back to the galley later for a Fluff-on-toast. You need to be careful not to give your body too much nutrition, or it gets spoiled. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“Ugh. It was probably in that picture book of ‘Important Things Little Joey Needs To Know’, and you didn’t read it.” “I didn’t read it, because that book was insulting, you little shithead.” He had given me an illustrated book that looked like the Berenstain Bears, but the bears in his book taught lessons about math and physics and other nerdy stuff that put me right to sleep. After using a marker to draw beards and fangs on the bears, I had thrown that book away. “Did they succeed?”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“It was sort of like a typical political party’s campaign platform, if it had been written by a terrorist group high on meth.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“As I opened my mouth to yell for Skippy, the bot took two folded items of clothing from the basket. They were a bra and, I think the other thing is called a ‘bustier’? Kind of like a corset or a girdle, with a bra on top. Well, duh, of course the bra was on top, don’t know why I had to mention that. Anyway, the bra was yellow with lace and maybe pretty flowers. Clearly not something intended for everyday wear under a uniform top, unless I truly know nothing about women. Actually, forget what I said. I do know nothing about women.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“When I was a little kid, something like that happened more than once, because of our dog. In the winter, he liked to sleep on my bed, snuggled up against me. It was nice to have a warm companion on a freezing cold night, except when he got up, turned around and flopped down half on top of me, or took up part of my pillow. When he did that, I couldn’t turn over without tugging the sheet too tight around my neck, so I would have to get half out of bed, shove him out of the way, and hope I could get back to sleep. That was a pain in the neck, literally. Man, I loved that dog.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie

“if you’re not early, you’re late.”
― Craig Alanson, Valkyrie