The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love Quotes

“I’ve seen your butthole and that pretty much makes us BFFs.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Tell me you like my nipples and everything will go back to normal.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Fuck if I know,” he says. “I bought him on Amazon.” He rushes over to the sex swing and kneels next to it. “Look at his blow-up penis! I nearly died blowing him up. When his penis popped out, I was laughing so hard on top of already being air deprived from blowing him up that I nearly passed out.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“I think I got your nut hair in my teeth!”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“I think it even winked at me.” “Oh my god. Get out of my car.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“You’re going to have a nut-sized bruise on your face tomorrow”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Will you finger me in JCPenney?”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“I was expecting him to pop a boner at my investigative work or, at the very least, give me a thank you. “Because I’ve seen your butthole and that pretty much makes us BFFs.” His face turns grave. “That’s… no.” “What do you mean? I looked it right in the eye.” He cringes. “That’s… no… just… no.” “I think it even winked at me.”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love

“Why would I kill you?” I ask in surprise. “You shot at me.” Oh. That. “Well, that was just like flirting. Like how a boy pushes a girl he likes.” He looks at me in the mirror like I’m crazy. “You shot at me.” “That’s my version of pushing. You were like three houses away, how else was I supposed to get your attention?”
― Alice Winters, The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love