Her Bush Quotes

“Davey laughed. “You’re not hot. You’re wholesome. Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible, so stop looking at me like that. I’m going to explain. Guys want hot girls when they are in the no-commitment stage. They screw around with them, have some fun nights, and move on. Nobody in their right mind seriously expects to settle down with the typical hot girl. But wholesome girls? Those are the ones guys start looking for when they get serious.” I had my arms crossed. “I hear you trying to dig yourself out of that comment, but all I can see is you getting deeper and deeper into the hole. Feel free to keep digging, though.” Davey smirked. “Think about it. You know it’s true. You’re a catch. You’re just the kind of catch that most guys start trying to reel in once they’re done being idiots. The kind of catch a guy isn’t just going to want to have some fun with and then toss back into the river.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“You scared the crap out of me. I mean, not literally. I’m potty trained.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“I was just thinking about how if I breathe out hooh, it’s cold, but if I breathe out, haah, it’s hot.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“You know the funny thing about truth is that it’s like raw chicken. You can hide it. You can freeze it. You can bury it, but eventually, that shit starts to smell. Bad. One day the power will go out, and that frozen, nasty ass chicken will stink up the house. Your girl will come home and want to know what the hell is with that stench. And you’ll be standing there like an idiot, twiddling your thumbs, saying you just didn’t get around to putting it in the trashcan when you should’ve, five years ago.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“Well, your choice is to spit out what's wrong, or I'm going to start guessing. I'm not going to stop until you tell me I've got it, and I'll warn you—I'm a shitty guesser, so this could take a while."

I leaned back in my chair and glared at him.

“Have it your way,” he said. William started to pace around the room while stroking his chin theatrically. “You were actually born to a convent of nuns, but you had a sex change and escaped years ago. Now they’ve found you, and they’re coming for your penis? Pun intended,” he added with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“That’s…” I closed my mouth and shook my head. “What kind of person even comes up with something like that?”

“No? Okay, I got it. Hold on. You witnessed an alien abduction when you were a kid. Up until yesterday, you thought it was all just some weird dream induced by the aggressive case of chronic diarrhea you suffered from—and still suffer from to this day. But yesterday, those little green men came back, and now your world is shaken. Why? Because you’ve secretly harbored romantic feelings for them this whole time, and now you’ll have to face your budding sexuality for the first time.”

“Are you seriously going to keep this up unless I tell you?”

"Hmm. Not right, either? Okay, this time I really have it. It all started in the African jungles seven years ago when you found yourself trapped deep in the wrinkly clutches of an elephant's rectum. With no hope of escape, you realized the only choice you had was to go deeper. Only you went too deep. You dreamed too big, and now you can't—"

“I give up,” I said. “I’ll tell you because I don’t think I can survive much more of this. I’ve been in a little bit of a dating rut for the past couple years, and—”

“Let me stop you there, partner.” William held up his left hand and pointed to his wedding band. “I’m flattered. Really. But one, I have a strict no sword crossing
rule. And two? I’m spoken for.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“My body is a castle."

“A temple, you mean?”

“No. A castle, like it’s going to take a prolonged siege and a few month’s worth of supplies and dedication to breach the walls.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush