Toddler Adoption Quotes

“PLACEMENT
The Physical Transference of Care and Saying Good-bye

"A toddler cannot participate in a discussion of the transition process or be expected o understand a verbal explanation. [They benefit] tremendously by experiencing the physical transference of care, and by witnessing the former caregiver's permission and support for [their new guardians] to assume their role. The toddler pays careful attention to the former caregiver's face and voice, listening and watching as [they talk] to [their new guardians] and invites the [guardians'] assumption of the caregiver's role. The attached toddler is very perceptive of [their] caregiver's emotions and will pick up on nonverbal cues from that person as to how [they] should respond to [their] new family. Children who do not have he chance to exchange good-byes or to receive permission to move on are more likely to have an extended period of grieving and to sustain additional damage to their basic sense of trust and security, to their self-esteem, and to their ability to initiate and sustain strong relationships as they grow up. The younger the child, the more important it is that there be direct contact between parents and past caregiveres. A toddler is going to feel conflicting loyalties if [they] are made to feel on some level that [they] must choose between [their] former caregiver and [their] new guardians ...”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

“While it is essential to be predictable in meeting a child’s needs, infants and toddlers are amused by parents who are spontaneous and unpredictable in their play. For example, when dressing the toddler, surprise him by blowing raspberries on his tummy and nuzzling his neck. Don’t give up even if he’s unresponsive at first. At first, he may try to camouflage his pleasure by turning his face when he smiles or trying to hide his laughter. Lift him high in the air while proclaiming, “Look at what a big boy you are!” Twirl around while holding him firmly. Holding his back and head securely, quickly do a knee-drop. Dance together. Gently wrestle. Smile and laugh while doing all of these things so the child associates pleasure with spontaneous laughter and smiling.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Crying is therapeutic Most people can relate to the calming and stress reducing effect of a “good cry.” Grieving children should be supported in their need to cry. Unfortunately, children sometimes suppress their tears, thinking that they can control their pain if they control their crying. Parents may find their child’s pain very stressful or threatening and may therefore knowingly or unknowingly suppress natural expressions of grief. They may try to distract the child by promising a treat if he stops crying; cutting the feelings short (“Hush, hush”); minimizing the feelings (“You’re OK now”); contradicting his reality (“You’re going to love it here”); criticizing (“Stop making such a fuss”); embarrassing (“You’re too big to act like such a baby”); or threatening (“Stop it right now or I’ll give you something to cry about”). Crying should be supported with empathy and nurturing. It might be helpful to say something like, “I can tell that you are feeling very bad. Maybe it is because we were just looking at pictures of Nana, and you’re thinking about her now and missing her. Let’s sit here together for a while and I’ll rub your back.” Don’t rush the toddler’s grief before she is ready to let go of it. When the crying has subsided, offer a cold glass of juice or a walk outside. Often, children are more receptive to being cuddled, making eye contact, and other attachment strategies after an episode of acute sadness.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Caregivers who anticipate ongoing contact after placement may be better able to relinquish their role than caregivers who anticipate that "good-bye" will be forever."

... "Former caregivers may experience grief and guilt because they are incapable of providing permanent adequate care, or they may feel anger and resentment if they had wanted but were not allowed to continue parenting the child. Even the birth parent(s) who voluntarily terminates guardianship may experience considerable ambivalence by the time of placement. Birth or foster parents who are struggling with their own needs may have difficulty meeting [the childs'] needs during the transition period and at the time of placement. In cases such as these, it is important to have sensitive professionals available to help the former caregivers identify and express their feelings about the separation and support the toddler's transition.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

“It is important for the former caregiver to display honest emotions about the pending separation. If an attachment has formed, it is natural for both the child and caregiver to grieve their separation. This is no time for adults to try to be strong for the child's sake. A child's self-esteem is enhanced by tangible evidence that [they] were cared for and that [their] former caregiver will miss [them] but wishes [them] well. When adults express their feelings appropriately, it gives children permission to do so as well. Carefully planned and executed pre-placement transition strategies should assist former caregivers in adjusting their role and placing their confidence in the ability of the new [guardians] to provide a safe, secure, and nuturing environment for the toddler they have loved and cared for.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

“At the end of my time on earth, I will reflect on my life: my trials and my accomplishments. The most precious memories of my life will play out before my eyes. I will think of my family, and my memory of love will be of them.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Accepting imperfection in yourself frees you (and perhaps your child) from the burden of unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best is good enough. If you have made a mistake, in almost all cases it can be corrected.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“One of the most important resiliencies for adoptive parents of toddlers is nurturing their own sense of humor and playfulness. Laughter is medicine for the soul; it serves a restorative function; it helps people keep their perspective; and it even enhances attachment. One of my most prized possessions is a poem my daughter wrote for Mother’s Day when she was 11. In her poem, titled, “Why I Love My Mother,” she describes me as having “laughing eyes filled with love.” I can’t think of a better compliment.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Toddlers who resist attaching to their parents may look to their older siblings or peers for cues to “acceptable” behavior. Stressing the importance and responsibility of being a role model is often an effective way to help an older sibling feel important during the adoption transition.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Alternatives to time-out Isolating children for a period of time has become a popular discipline strategy advocated by many child psychologists and pediatricians. However, newly adopted toddlers seem to be more upset than helped by time-outs. Time-outs are intended to provide an opportunity for both parents and children to calm down and change their behaviors, but it isn’t effective for children who do not have self-calming strategies. Isolation can be traumatic for a toddler who is struggling with grief and/or attachment, and so perceives time-out as further rejection. If the child becomes angrier or more withdrawn as a result of being timed-out, try another strategy. One alternative is for parents to impose a brief time-out on themselves by temporarily withdrawing their attention from their child. For example, the parent whose child is throwing toys stops playing, looks away, and firmly tells the child, “I can’t continue playing until you stop throwing your toys.” Sitting passively next to the child may be effective, especially if the child previously was engaged in an enjoyable activity with the parent. Another alternative to parent enforced time-outs is self-determined time-outs, where the child is provided the opportunity to withdraw from a conflict voluntarily or at least have some input into the time-out arrangement. The parent could say, “I understand that you got very upset when you had to go to your room yesterday after you hit Sara. Can you think of a different place you would like to go to calm down if you feel like getting in a fight?” If the child suggests going out on the porch, the next time a battle seems to be brewing, Mom or Dad can say, “Do you need to go outside to the porch and calm down before we talk more?” Some children eventually reach the level of self-control where they remove themselves from a volatile situation without encouragement from Mom or Dad. These types of negotiations usually work better with older preschoolers or school-age children than they do with toddlers because of the reasoning skills involved. As an alternative to being timed-out, toddlers also can be timed-in while in the safety of a parent’s lap. Holding allows parents to talk to their child about why she’s being removed from an activity. For example, the toddler who has thrown her truck at the cat could be picked up and held for a few minutes while being told, “I can’t let you throw your toys at Misty. That hurts her, and in our family we don’t hurt animals. We’ll sit here together until you’re able to calm down.” Calming strategies could incorporate music, back rubs, or encouraging the child to breathe slowly. Objects that children are misusing should also be removed. For example, in the situation just discussed, the truck could be timed-out to a high shelf. If parents still decide to physically remove their child for a time-out, it should never be done in a way or place that frightens a toddler. Toddlers who have been frightened in the past by closed doors, dark rooms, or a particular room such as a bathroom should never be subjected to those settings. I know toddlers who, in their terror, have literally trashed the furniture and broken windows when they were locked in their rooms for a time-out. If parents feel a time-out is essential, it should be very brief, and in a location where the child can be supervised.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“How do you feel?” Claudia Jewett Jarratt (1994) recommends a strategy to begin helping children identify their emotions correctly in a technique called “The Five Faces.” Five cards with simple drawings of faces depicting sad, mad, happy, scared, and lonely are used to facilitate conversations about which feeling the person has. To learn the “game,” the toddler might be asked, “Which face shows how you feel about having macaroni and cheese for lunch?” Gradually, the cards are used to talk about more important emotionally reactive situations. Even children whose language is not sophisticated enough to participate in the dialogue, but who seem stuck in the “angry” mode, can benefit from an exploration of emotions.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Children test their parents to find out if they will be consistent and trustworthy. Helping children learn to regulate their behavior is about providing appropriate structure and guidance for children, not about punishing inappropriate behavior. Parents have the primary responsibility for providing the support, teaching, and system of rules and expectations that children need to grow up emotionally healthy. These external structures are necessary for children to develop their own internal structure and guidance. Appropriate structure contributes to the development of children’s attachment and self-esteem and helps to make them feel loved and capable. Neglect and punishment, on the other hand, leads to feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, and incompetent.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Even though a few adopted toddlers discussed in this book displayed significant attachment problems for years following their adoption, the majority of the children displayed strong attachment to their parents within a few years after their adoption. Most of the children gradually acclimated to their new environment and eventually displayed attachment to their parents. Sometimes the children achieved major milestones within a short period of time, and other times their progress was indicated by tiny baby steps that only a parent would catch. A few parents reported that their children’s progress was only obvious when viewed in retrospect.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Children who are grieving the loss of a former attachment, or are displaying ambivalence or resistance toward their adoptive parents, do not suddenly bond. Attachment doesn’t just happen; it grows. How quickly depends on a number of factors, including the number and quality of prior attachments; parenting strategies; age; and the severity of pre-placement neglect or other forms of abuse. Any prognosis is at best an educated guess.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Theraplay, a technique developed by Ann M. Jernberg (Jernberg and Booth 2010), focuses on meeting the child’s earlier unmet dependency needs through a playful format structured to empower the therapist and parent to provide the needed nurturing. Its goal is to enhance attachment, self-esteem, trust in others, and joyful engagement. Theraplay replicates natural, healthy interaction between parents and young children through structured play. One or more of the following elements are incorporated into all of the structured play activities: structure, challenge, nurture, intrusion/engagement, and playfulness. Structure involves the therapist and/or parent being in charge. Activities are selected that are challenging and therefore enhance self-esteem. Intrusive activities are selected which require child involvement and offer adventure, variety, stimulation, and a fresh view of life, allowing a child to understand that surprises can be fun and new experiences enjoyable. Sessions always include soothing, calming, quieting, caretaking activities such as foot rubs that make the world feel safe, predictable, warm, and secure, and provide the child with evidence that the adult provides comfort and stability.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Play therapy is one of the most frequently used individual therapies for young children or older children who do not easily verbalize their feelings. Older children who are able to express themselves more typically participate in individual talk-based therapy. Play therapy is considered an individual therapy because it involves only the child and therapist, not the parent. Play therapy involves the use of dolls, drawings, sand play, or other manipulatives, which allow children to reveal their feelings through the play modality.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Even while attaching, our toddlers are motivated by an internal clock that drives them to become more independent and autonomous! A challenge under the best of circumstance, adopted toddlers need special help finding appropriate declarations of independence. We have to surround our children with love that claims, but doesn’t repress appropriate development.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Another wonderful labyrinthine stimulation strategy for the toddler is swinging in a bucket-seat-type toddler swing. Mom or Dad should stand in front of, rather than behind, their child as they push, so they can incorporate smiles and tactile stimulation into the motion activity. The child can be hugged or even kissed each time she swings toward her parent. Most toddlers also enjoy pretending to be “caught” by their parent with each swing. Another version of swinging can be done by both parents together, with one behind and one in front.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Make the rocking chair a haven, a place to concentrate totally on each other and on the developing bond.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Children need food, comforting, shelter, touch, smiles, eye contact, and the opportunity to play and grow up safe, strong, and healthy. Meet the new toddler’s needs on demand, and she will gradually learn to delay gratification and become more and more able to be responsible for meeting some of her own needs as she grows and develops.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Always assume that a request for parental contact and comforting represents a need for a toddler struggling to develop attachment and meet that need on demand, day or night. Parents need to reframe their thoughts about getting up at night with a new toddler as a wonderful opportunity to build attachment rather than a dreaded chore. Do not leave an adopted toddler alone crying at night as often recommended by many parent discipline specialists.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“To recreate the attachment cycle, the adoptive parent should initially provide for the child’s needs on demand in the same way that the appropriately responsive parent meets the needs of a newborn on demand.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Adoptive parents must begin where the child is developmentally, not chronologically. Healthy dependence must be recreated for the child who is not attached to the adoptive parent, regardless of the child’s age. Strategies to foster attachment to the new parents are as important for children who were securely attached and need to transfer their attachment as they are for insecurely or unattached toddlers.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“It is important to note that children are rarely as unaware of their environment as they appear to be during withdrawal. In fact, many adopted toddlers have amazing insight and memory of people and events, and are astute observers, even when they appear oblivious of their surroundings. Therefore, it is important not to stop giving comfort, support, and structure. Those efforts are received and processed on some level even if not immediately apparent in the child’s overt behavior.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Providing structure and predictability Toddlers are reassured by familiar routines, regardless of their nature. When the environment prior to placement is a healthy one, the use of transition objects that link the former caregiver’s style and schedule to the present provides the sense of structure that is important to the toddler’s developing sense of security in her new home. A consistent schedule is also important to the child who is experiencing separation anxiety. Parents should be absolutely reliable about returning when expected. It is important to help children anticipate their schedules by talking through the day’s routine. Because toddlers cannot tell time, use concrete, regularly scheduled events to help them mark time such as mealtimes or the timing of a favorite television program such as Sesame Street. Parents should make every effort to delay making additional major life changes following a toddler adoption such as moving to a new home, adding another family member, divorce, or marriage until new routines are firm and secure.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Supporting regression and fears Not only is regression perfectly normal, but it can also represent a positive, healthy way to respond to feeling overwhelmed. Accommodating a child’s need for being fed or comforted in a manner usually reserved for infants provides a wonderful opportunity to develop attachment. Activities such as rocking and feeding a toddler before putting him to bed can be rewarding for parents and child. It is important, however, that parents not unwittingly discourage their toddlers from progressing developmentally even while they are supporting their need for temporary regression. Parents should seek professional assistance if their toddler seems immobilized by grief, shows no interest in developmentally age-appropriate tasks, or loses all initiative to grow and develop.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Combining a gentle awakening with a predictable morning routine is also reassuring to a grieving toddler. Some children need time in the morning to regroup and prepare themselves to face the day. With such children, a gentle back rub and comforting talk, followed by a few minutes to be alone again might be effective. Some families recommended quiet activity surrounding, rather than directly aimed at, their toddler as a wake-up strategy. For example, speaking or singing in a quiet voice while getting the day’s outfit ready, or quietly moving about, turning on a soft light and straightening the room allows a child to wake up to the reassuring sounds of routine family life without having to interact immediately with others.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Supporting the grieving process The grief associated with a toddler’s separation from caregivers with whom he has had a strong attachment is unavoidable. To try to deny or avoid displays of grief is magical thinking on the part of adults. Acknowledging and supporting their child’s grief is one of the first acts of love adoptive parents can give their new son or daughter. The more directly involved toddlers are in the preparation and transition process, the less confused they will be about what is happening to them and the less they will rely on magical thinking to explain the loss of former caregivers. The more concrete the transition and placement processes are, the more toddlers will be able to process what is happening, and the less they will be fearful. Talking to toddlers during the preparation for and adjustment to a change in placement is intended to support grieving by confronting their magical thinking and assuring them that they are not responsible for the loss. Toddlers need to be told who will take care of them and be assured that someone will be with them at all times during the transition. Other messages that support the toddler’s grieving include: “It was not your fault that you moved. You didn’t do anything bad. It’s OK for you to cry and be mad. I’ll be right here to take care of you.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“During the early stages of grief, the toddler typically protests and displays overt signs of despair. A number of parents reported that their newly adopted toddlers cried inconsolably. Sad crying is very different from crying associated with rage or terror. When grieving, the child’s body is typically limp or curled into a fetal position, and there are a lot of tears. Anger and/or fear, on the other hand, are indicated by a stiff, tense body, protruding blood vessels, perhaps few tears, and a high-pitched cry. Not surprisingly, the children who had no preparation or transition help displayed especially intense grieving behaviors. Sabrina, adopted at 16 months from long-term foster care, often awoke sobbing and calling out to her former caregiver for months following her placement. Fortunately, even though she had not been prepared for a change in placement, her parents used post-placement transition strategies and supported her grieving process, so instead of emotionally detaching, Sabrina began transferring attachment”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“The loss of a parent is a young child’s greatest fear. To be abandoned, whether through termination of parental rights, voluntary relinquishment, death, or any other means, is a child’s worst nightmare come true.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition