Calvin & Hobbes Quotes

“Calvin, yelling: Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: Then can I have a cookie?

Calvin's Mom: No, Calvin.

Calvin: She's on to me.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“When you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Calvin's Mom confronts him as he stands at the open front door, going to school:

Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again?

Calvin: Sure.

Calvin's Mom: Don't the kids make fun of you?

Calvin: Tommy Chestnutt did once, and now nobody does.

Calvin's Mom: Why? What happened to Tommy Chestnutt ?

Calvin: Hobbes ate him!

Hobbes [The stuffed tiger]: Ugh!
He needed a bath, too.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“[Calvin's Mom is driving him somewhere.]

CALVIN: Mom, can I drive on the way back?

CALVIN'S MOM: Of course not, Calvin.

CALVIN: Can I just steer then? I promise I won't crash.

CALVIN'S MOM: No, Calvin.

CALVIN: Can I work the gas and brakes while YOU steer?

CALVIN'S MOM: No, Calvin.

CALVIN: You never let me do anything.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“I'm a simple (wo)man with complex tastes”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“[Uh-oh, it's bath time for Calvin.]

MOM, who sits in the living room, has turned toward the door. Very likely she is screaming the following words at the top of her lungs:

CALVIN! Quiet down
and quit that splashing!
I don't want to have to
clean the whole bathroom!

CALVIN:
Ha! I pulled the plug!
Down the drain with you!
DIE, FIEND!
DIE, DIE!!

MOM [By now she's sitting in a normal position on her armchair, trying to read a book, when she has apparently just heard an unexpected noise]:

Don't tell me he's letting
the water out already.

CALVIN, now standing right in back of his mother. He's naked, scowling full force, and dripping:

Believe it, lady.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“[At first, Calvin's at school, in his classroom.]

CALVIN'S TEACHER:
"We'll see what the principal has to say about your attention span, young man."

A THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND (With visuals to match.)
"The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured."

A THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND (With visuals to match, coming from a space alien.)
"The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the Atomic Napalm Neutralizer!"

ANOTHER THOUGHT BUBBLE FANTASY FROM CALVIN's MIND
"Moments from the torture chamber,
Spiff springs into ACTION."

CALVIN, HIS TEACHER, AND THE PRINCIPAL. (The school principal is looking at Calvin, who seems intent on something...)
THE PRINCIPAL:
"Why is he eating his hall pass?”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Flowers are pretty stupid. See, it's a bright, sunny day out, right? Well, with this watering can, I can make them think it's raining. It's fun to mess with their minds.”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes