Highfire Quotes

“What a peach of a night this had turned out to be.

Everett fucking Moreau: master planner.

Like that little French guy who used to get with tall ladies to prove a point. Napoleon.

But not like him at all, except for they both ended up fucked on an island, if he didn’t misremember his history. Or maybe it was Huck Finn who got fucked on an island.

Either way, he was the idiot getting fucked on a water-locked landmass this fine evening.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“But what the dragons in general hadn’t realized was that, in the absence of physical predators, time itself becomes a predator. Dragons got accustomed to being top dogs. They started to enjoy the whole shock-and-awe thing. They forgot that humans weren’t just dumb sheep with thumbs.

First the dragons grew complacent; then they got lazy. And the universe cannot suffer laziness because it leads to species-killing mistakes. The dragons’ mistake was when they started keeping familiars, because before you knew it, the humans had moved on up from carrying logs and shoveling dragon shit to bringing home the bacon.
Next thing, those familiars were doing the books and giving pedicures, making themselves indispensable, making themselves invisible. Dragons allowed those humans to build quarters for themselves inside the walls. Dragons blabbed on about politics and strategy while their familiars were in the room. And goddamn if those familiars weren’t taking notes.
It didn’t take more than five hundred years and half a dozen failed revolutions before those smart little humans were running the show, and any dragons who had survived the purge were reduced to hiring themselves out as muscle or skulking around in various inhospitable shitholes.

And still humans ran the show, keeping themselves sharp by becoming their own predators, which was twisted as hell.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“I met Jesus,’ mumbled Vern, his head coming up. ‘He weren’t even a good carpenter.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“I outta get one of those flip signs, Vern thought. “No homicides in: 2923 days.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Vern did a comical double take. He hadn't thought about little Jubelus in a long time. And no human had ever prompted him to talk about his own family. It was all: Can you grant me wishes? Or: For the love of God don't kill me.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Vern did not trust humans was the long and short of it. Not a single one. He had known many in his life, even liked a few, but in the end they all sold him out to the angry mob. Which was why he holed up in Honey Island Swamp out of harm's way.
Vern liked the swamp okay. As much as he liked anything after all these years. Goddamn, so many years just stretching out behind him like bricks in that road old King Darius put down back in who gives a shit BC. Funny how things came back out of the blue. Like that ancient Persian road. He couldn't remember last week, and now he was flashing back a couple thousand years, give or take. Vern had baked half those bricks his own self, back when he still did a little blue-collar. Nearly wore out the internal combustion engine. Shed his skin two seasons early because of that bitch of a job. That and diet. No one had a clue about nutrition in those days. Vern was mostly ketogenic now, high fat, low carbs, apart from his beloved breakfast cereals. Keto made perfect sense for a dragon, especially with his core temperature. Unfortunately, it meant that beer had to go, but he got by on vodka. Absolut was his preferred brand. A little high on alcohol but easiest on the system.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“It tickled Vern some to imagine the worldwide shit storm that would follow an event like that. The humans would straight-up crap themselves. Washington would be terrified of an impending dragon takeover. No stone would be left unturned, that was for sure.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Problem was that the blues used to creep over him slow: a gradual trough, then a slow climb up the other side. But now his mind knew what to expect and ramped things up straightaway, from zero to critical in a matter of minutes.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Waxman had books: three walls of books, which started one shelf off the deck in case of damp or storm, a tactic learned the hard way, the most bitter lesson being a water-damaged first edition of Ulysses. The Irish version.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“The constable had been all wheeling and splattering, distributing more mess than a group of finger-painting toddlers on a Skittles sugar high.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“SQUIB WOULD HAVE LIKED TO GET ON THE DRAGON SITUATION ASAFP, but there were things to do.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Willard jerked a little. “That’s chilly, Constable. Did you just murder me?”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“I should take a photo, thought Squib, and pulled his smartphone from the waterproof pocket of his camouflage-type work jeans. And as is so often the case, things would’ve turned out a whole lot better if the kid could’ve kept it in his pants.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Maybe if we’re living in the middle of a development with plenty of witnesses, then Hooke might settle down some and back off. Squib’s warped reasoning was based on a child’s understanding of evil men. He couldn’t know that specimens like Regence Hooke didn’t get settled down; they got riled up.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“VERN DID NOT TRUST HUMANS WAS”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Vern was alternately amused or irked by humans' reaction to his appearance. On this occasion, he experienced both emotions within a second of each other.

The first guy blurted, "Hail, Satan." Which was presumably a last ditch attempt to change saviours to appease the devil heading for him.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“His little voice piped up, Are you nervous, Wyvern? Holy shit, are you scared?

Vern answered back under his breath, "I ain't scared, asshole. I'm prudent, is all. It's been awhile, and I'm the last dragon, so far as I know. The world can't stand to lose me."

But Vern was nervous, and possibly a smidge scared, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, though he wouldn't admit it to his little voice.

Even Adele gets stage fright, he told himself. Be like Adele and use the energy.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Still more revelations:
Squib: "What's your opinion of Game of Thrones, boss?"
Angry clattering of furniture.
Vern: "Game of Thrones? Are you trying to push my buttons, kid? Game of fucking thrones! Those dragons are like servants - you see me doing any fucking mother of dragon's bidding? I'd never serve humans!"
Squib: "I didn't mean nothing - "
Vern: Goddamn lapdog CGI motherfucking fire lizards. Heap of shit."
Conclusion: Vern really did not like Game of Thrones.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Some states more than others,’ said Hooke. ‘California ain’t so lenient. New York makes it near to impossible to secure a permit. New Jersey, Connecticut, even Hawaii. All these red-blooded Americans are crying out for guns. And if there is one thing”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“And now, two years later, Squib hadn’t seen much improvement in the fuzz department, but he was half a foot taller and working on a scrappy attitude that had him on the cops’ radar even at the age of fifteen. There was a constable by the name of Regence Hooke who got shot down by Squib’s momma in the Pearl Bar and Grill one time in front of a packed house, and ever since that night Hooke had himself a hard-on for Squib and made sure to take any complaint against the minor real personal. It seemed to Squib that every time he farted, old Regence would be knocking on the door offering to ‘forget all about it’ for a little consideration from Squib’s momma. Goddamn Hooke, Squib thought. He ain’t”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Squib could allow that he missed having a daddy, even a fake one, so long as he kept that thought inside his own head. Even if that daddy did drink beer like it was keeping him alive instead of the opposite. Even if he did raid Momma’s coffee can for change and spend it on lottery scratch tickets.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire

“Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben said it better: With great power comes great responsibility.”
― Eoin Colfer, Highfire