Tales from the Gas Station Quotes

“The gas station had already cut so many corners on safety that it was practically a circle,”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“A couple gnomes showed up right outside the back door, and I left them where I found them because one of them was holding a steak knife and I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“No, dude, I’m working at a shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere and I’m perfectly happy being miserable until I die. Good day, sir.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“That’s a big old nope sandwich with a side of hell naw slaw.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“It’s the kind of place where, for fun, people do Civil War reenactments in the summer and meth in the winter.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“the smoke detector may or may not be an old frisbee.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I was simply dying much slower than anticipated. But when you think about it, isn’t that all anyone can really ask for?”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I closed the file, shut down the browser, and turned off the computer, thinking to myself, Well that’s enough internet for today.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“hot dogs are not sandwiches (they are, in fact, American tacos).”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​Time moves strangely at the gas station, flowing slow and fast all at once, like molasses out of a shotgun.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​Her voice still sounded the way wasabi tastes.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“Her voice sounded like she’d halfway swallowed a kazoo before smoking ten thousand cigarettes.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​The sheer number of people in my life who have somehow failed to outlive me is, in a word, incredible.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, probably. I just wanted to mention--and it's probably no big deal--but there's a guy hanging out near the gas station staring at me."
"Nothing illegal about staring."
"Yeah, you're right. It's just that, well, he's wearing a mask."
"It is Halloween, you know."
"You're right. It's just that, he's standing out in the rain wearing this long blue raincoat."
"That's what raincoats are for."
"Yeah, I guess you've got a good point. It's just that, he's really creeping me out and I think he's like eight feet tall and his arms go down to his knees."
There was a short pause on the other line. Then, "That's not illegal.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“it was a dark and stormy cliché.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“Hey, I have a question for you.” “Yes, there’s weed in the tea.” “No, I already knew that. I had a question about the internet.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“If the gas station were a planet, it would be Pluto. If the gas station were a vowel, it would be Y. If the gas station were an X-Man, it would be Wolverine.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I decided that whatever hatched from the cocoon, be it butterfly or moth or monster, I was going to name it Starburst.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“There’s something interesting about reading while high on painkillers. I started the same page about ten times and each go around it felt like I was reading it for the first time. If you’d asked me at the time what the book was about, I probably wouldn’t even have been able to tell you the title.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I think no man ever steps in the same river twice.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I swear, ever since Romero made zombies cool, people see a dead man come back to life and instantly they get this urge to kill, kill, kill. What ever happened to calling this a miracle? Nobody freaked out when Jesus came back.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“My advice to you is the same as always. Lawyer up, delete Facebook, hit the gym. In that order. You can’t go wrong.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I think every magazine is a scam. (Why should I pay for a magazine when it’s already full of advertisements?)”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I thought back to what Dr. V had said during that visit, about preserving the integrity of my brain.
I looked Tony in the eyes and said, "Aim for the head, please.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“We're gonna go touch butts," I said.
Marlboro lifted an eyebrow.
"Wait," he started, "Does that mean you're going to go touch each other's butts? Or like, you're going into the woods to find some butts to touch? Or, like, were you planning on touching your butts together?"
"Yep." I answered.
"Well count me in!”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“You guys are a murder cult?" I asked, just for clarification.
"Hey, whoa, come on. That's such a nasty word." he said, holding up his hands defensively, "Try to think of us more as a murder religion, or maybe a murder ideology. Murderology, if you will.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“and he smelled like he just finished bathing in a tub of pee that someone farted in.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“and before I knew it, he was completely stark-naked. Why does this keep happening to me?”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“people see a dead man come back to life and instantly they get this urge to kill, kill, kill. What ever happened to calling this a miracle? Nobody freaked out when Jesus came back.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I take comfort in the relaxing familiarity of monotony. But there’s an entire ocean between these small islands of worthwhile moments, and little survives the trip intact.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One