Critical Failures VI Quotes

“Now, tell me what business you have in my wood.” “I'm not interested in your wood,” said Cooper. “As a matter of fact, I thought you were a woman.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“It smacked loud, like the hot nun's ruler against the priest's bare ass in Penance and Penetration IV: Hot Cross Buns.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“It was like Riverdance, except with lion-man rape-monsters bleeding from the nuts.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“My idea is a practical means to implement your idea, you peg-dicked monkey fucker!”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“It's practical. You get a bunch of scared, not-terribly-bright people together, and they'll make decisions undermining their own best interests, knowing that they're doing so, if it means making sure that no individual or faction among them appears to benefit disproportionately. Look at the American south.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I don't believe you appreciate the gravity of the service you have performed here. While it's true under normal circumstances that resurrection is a substantial favor to ask of a goddess, your brother's life is worth so much less than what you've done here today.” Katherine sighed. “Sounds like you knew him.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“The Ice Queen turned to Randy. “Dimwitted human who is compelled to speak the truth, is the dwarf truly pregnant with scorpionfolk?” “She is, and you can call me Randy.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“You know how, back in your normal life, you'd get up every day and go to a job, then you go wind down at a bar, or go home and watch TV, maybe sometime along the line you get married and have some kids, and eventually you die?” “I suppose so.” Randy sounded doubtful. “Well maybe it's a little different for registered sex offenders. Maybe you beat off to Sesame Street, then microwave a burrito for breakfast or whatever.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Is Fragnar not your type?” From her observations so far, she'd narrowed 'Denise's type' down to 'anything with a dick'. Denise rested her bearded chin on her forearms on the ship's railing and sighed. “I ain't his. He said he was put off by my consent.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Who do we know who is able to put their minds in complete and total vegetative stasis? Who could get penetrated in every conceivable bodily orifice at the same time and not even feel it?” Cooper lowered Nabi and looked past Chaz at the naked elf suspended by tree roots. “The Dark Lord is Dave's mom?”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Dimplethorn and the others may have spared the poor creature's life, but not without beating the shit out of it first.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Purple vines clung weakly to the trunks of dying trees, their wilted black petals falling like volcanic ash. The further they traveled, the more abundantly this ominous strain of flora dominated the terrain.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I don't know. It feels kind of lazy, like stabbing with a remote control.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“She could feel the shape of her whole esophagus and where it spread out to the top of her stomach.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I don't want to alarm you, but there's no way I'm getting to sleep now without rubbing one out. I'll turn the other way and try to make it quick, but fair warning, I might get a little gassy.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I had his thing in my hand as well. We were quietly holding each other's things, not calling any attention to ourselves, until you barged in and started gawking at my thing and asking to hold it.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I ain't his. He said he was put off by my consent.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“We are to be in and out as quickly as possible,”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“I can still feel dwarf dick in my right palm.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“How'd you like to dip those beards in honey and paint these big fat titties?” “Jesus Christ!” Katherine looked up at Denise. “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where did that even come from?”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI

“Your mom shtick is getting old.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures VI