Say What You Mean Quotes

“To listen entails a fundamental letting go of self-centeredness. We have to be willing to put down our own thoughts, views, and feelings temporarily to truly listen.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Anger is a completely natural emotion. It’s a strong signal that our needs aren’t being met. Evolutionarily it protects us when we perceive a threat in our environment. The destructive effects of anger come from how we handle it, not from the anger itself. When we can differentiate the stories of blame from our unmet needs, we can express ourselves more constructively.

Feeling “manipulated” or “betrayed” indicates that your emotions are colored by an interpretation about the other person’s intentions. To honor the intensity of your experience without getting entangled in the blame game, see those words as information that points back to your feelings and needs. Investigate what’s in your heart. When you tell yourself, “I’m being manipulated,” how do you feel on the inside? What do you need?

Once this is clear, work on conveying the depth of your feelings without blame. Express the rawness of your emotions and connect them to what matters to you. If you can’t find other words (and if you think the other person will understand), you could take responsibility for the blame by saying something such as, “I’m telling myself a story that you betrayed me.” This indicates your subjective interpretation while leaving space for the other person’s experience.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Our willingness to consciously experience an unmet need with awareness is transformative. After bringing empathy and compassion to the pain, we can learn to widen our perspective. Instead of focusing on the need’s satisfaction, we can shift our attention to the need itself, independent of any conditions.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Sometimes our needs are met; sometimes they aren’t. Inner freedom doesn’t come from being able to control outcomes; it comes from knowing our values, developing the inner resources to meet life with balance, and letting go.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Awareness is the primary foundation for all communication. If communication is about creating understanding, mindful communication is about creating understanding through awareness. We could say that the opposite is mindless communication—we’re either running on automatic or we’re consumed by an inner narrative of judgments, criticism, planning, and mind wandering.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Training our attention to identify needs (our own and others’) involves: • Expanding our vocabulary for needs Training our attention to see life through the “lens of needs” Building close relationships of trust and mutual respect, in which we feel safe enough to explore needs Attuning to the level of vulnerability that supports understanding and collaboration, depending on the context • Learning to be at peace with unmet needs Developing the ability to shift our attention from the personal to the universal aspect of needs, from a narrow focus on satisfying our needs to a broader appreciation for the beauty of human needs”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Every need also exists as a value that we carry within us, independent of whether or not it is satisfied. When we are in touch with our inner life in this way, a need’s gratification is less salient than our awareness and appreciation of it as a value.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Out of options, I tried a different approach. During one visit back home, we sat at the dining room table as we usually did. I spoke from my heart, sharing the complete vulnerability of my feelings. “Dad, you know how much I love you. I want you to be here, to be in my life for a long, long time. And when I see the way you’re living, I feel so scared. I’m angry, and worried, and helpless. I want you to take better care of yourself, and I’ve tried everything I know to do to help you and none of it has worked. I don’t know what else to do, so I’m telling you this. What’s it like for you to hear all of this?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Awareness of needs is transformative. The internal mechanism that expresses our unmet needs as blame and judgment (of self or others) is based on our unconscious conditioning. Knowing which needs are at play, we shift into a wider field of awareness where new forms of understanding and creativity become possible. If I’m about to call someone “selfish,” I can pause and inquire what I need. Instead of projecting my dissatisfaction outward as blame, I may recognize that I want consideration or more support.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Each method has its own strength. The downward force of gravity tends to balance the stimulating, upward movement of attention in conversations. The centerline can bring a sense of inner strength and clarity. Breathing can soothe us, while touch points can dissipate the intensity of emotions. You also can get creative and explore your own ways of strengthening presence. Some people keep a smooth stone in their pocket, using its weight and softness as a literal touchstone.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Shifting Your Attention Finally, try shifting your attention between these four areas: gravity, the centerline, breathing, and a touch point (hands, feet, lips). Which is most readily accessible? Which helps you connect most naturally with presence, that sense of being here in a relaxed and embodied way? When you’re ready, open your eyes. Look around the room, reorienting to your surroundings. Take a few moments to reflect on this exercise. Which of these four ways of training in presence would you like to practice this week?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Method 4: Touch Points Now explore specific areas in your body that tend to be rich in sensation. First, put all your attention in your hands. Feel any sensations there: warmth or coolness; tingling, pulsing, or heaviness; maybe moisture or dryness. Rest your attention on any sensations you can feel in your hands. You might feel the sensations of your hands touching or resting in your lap. Now shift your attention to your feet, feeling any sensations there: temperature, weight, texture, the contact with the floor, the pressure of your shoes. Rest your attention with any sensations in your feet. You can try this with any other part of your body that has strong sensations, such as your lips, tongue, or eyes. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to one of these places.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Method 3: Breathing As you sit quietly, tune in to the sensations of breathing. See if you can allow your attention to rest with the sensations of breathing in and breathing out. You don’t need to block out other sensations, sounds, or thoughts. Just tune in to the steady rhythm of breathing in and breathing out, much as you might listen to waves crashing on a beach. Let your breath come into focus naturally. It’s normal for the mind to wander to thoughts, sounds, or other experiences. Whenever you notice, gently bring your attention back to feeling your breath, appreciating that mindfulness is growing.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Method 2: The Centerline Next, bring your attention to your upper body. Sense how your torso rises up from your waist and pelvis. Can you feel your back, shoulders, and neck? See if you can sense the midline or centerline of your upper body. Try feeling your spine, running from your tailbone, through your back, up to the base of your head. Or try imagining a line down the middle of your torso, halfway between your front and back, in the middle of the left and right sides of your body. Moving your torso can help reveal the centerline. Rock forward and backward slightly, until you feel the balance point in the middle. Do the same from side to side. Finally, rotate your shoulders and upper body one or two degrees to either side. Can you feel the axis around which the body is turning? That’s the centerline. See if you can rest your attention here, on the centerline of your body. Can you feel how your body is upright?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Method 1: Finding Gravity Sit comfortably. Start by taking a few moments to orient to your surroundings, looking around the room. Find a posture that’s upright yet relaxed. Gently close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to help you settle in. Feel any sensations of weight or heaviness in your body. You might notice your body’s contact with the chair, any hardness or give in the surface you’re sitting on. You might feel the sense of your whole body sitting, its mass, or warmth. Let your attention rest with these sensations of weight. Can you feel the downward force of gravity? When you notice your attention has wandered, gently let go and bring it back to the feeling of weight or heaviness in your body. Anchor your awareness there.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“PRACTICE: Feeling Emotions Take some time to practice mindfulness and thoroughly explore the different components of an emotion. Begin by grounding your attention in your body. Steady your awareness with breathing and let things settle to whatever degree possible. Then call to mind a situation that brought up some feelings (nothing too difficult). Let it become clear in your mind. Use the steps below to explore any emotions present, one at a time: EMOTION: Name the emotion. How do you feel? LOCATION: Where do you feel it? Is it in your face, your chest, your back? Somewhere else? SENSATION: What does it feel like there? What are the actual sensations you experience associated with the emotion? Is there pressure, tightness, aching, heaviness? Warmth, openness, lightness, flowing? TONALITY: What’s the overall flavor or tone of the emotion? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Can you relax there, softening and widening your attention? MEANING: Are there any thoughts, stories, or meanings associated with the emotion? If you had to boil it down to one word, what would it be? NEEDS: To what needs is this emotion connected? What matters to you here?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“These limits are often not just conceptual; they’re also sensory—meaning our capacity to feel the nuances of our emotional life may be attenuated or atrophied. Years of shutting off or avoiding emotions can mute things.6 This is completely workable. We begin by bringing awareness to our experience just as it is, wherever we are.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Feeling emotions is what makes life rich. —DANIEL GOLEMAN”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“KEY POINTS Needs are the fundamental, root reasons for why we want what we want. When we can identify our needs, we can: Connect: We all share the same needs, though we feel them with varying degrees of intensity and have different strategies to meet them. Choose: Becoming conscious of our needs can bring renewed energy and vitality and may prompt us to reevaluate our actions and make different choices. Transform Patterns of Blame and Judgment: Knowing which needs are at play, we shift into a wider field of awareness where new forms of understanding and creativity become possible. Collaborate: Work together to find creative solutions to as many needs as possible.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Authenticity and Needs As our awareness of needs grows, we learn to find an authentic way to discuss this aspect of human experience. In conversation, stating needs in the positive, in a colloquial manner, can make it easier to establish connection and hear one another. Consider the examples in the chart below. What differences do you feel reading the statements? Needs in the Negative Needs in the Positive “I can’t stand it when things are messy and chaotic.” “I enjoy it when things are clean and tidy.” “I don’t want to be trapped in our relationship.” “I want a sense of space and flexibility in our relationship.” “I don’t want to be controlled or told what to do.” “Having some autonomy and freedom are so important to me.” “I don’t want to feel sick or tired anymore.” “I long to feel healthy and well.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“When we become aware of another’s needs, our heart opens; something softens inside as we understand intuitively what matters to someone else. This is a very important point. If we can’t support what we’ve identified in the other party, then we aren’t connecting at the level of needs. If you can’t get behind it and say “Yes, I want that for them,” it’s not a need. Needs are universal; they connect us. They are by definition something that we want for everyone, something to which we can internally say yes.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Many people find that they feel more connected when listening this way. Offering an empathic reflection can produce visible relief. Similar to the somatic shift we feel when we recognize our own needs, another person may spontaneously exhale, sigh, or offer verbal affirmation—“Exactly!” At the same time, guessing what matters isn’t about getting it right. It’s not a performance test. It’s about our genuine intention to understand. If we haven’t understood correctly, the other person will clarify. Even when our guess is not accurate, it can still lead to greater understanding and may even reveal new layers of meaning that the speaker hadn’t sensed.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Another student of mine, Noga, likes to meditate in the morning. Her roommate is often up early getting ready for work. Noga felt caught. Asserting her own need for quiet left little room for dialogue; not addressing the situation left her at the mercy of his schedule. A shift came when she realized that she genuinely valued both of their needs. She wanted some quiet and respect for her space, but she also wanted him to be able to get ready with ease, without feeling anxious or tiptoeing around the house. Knowing that she wanted to find a solution that honored both of their needs, it became much easier to have the conversation in an open and curious manner.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: Conflict generally occurs at the level of our strategies—what we want. The more deeply we are able to identify our needs—why we want what we want—the less conflict there is.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Contacting the universal quality of needs, the sense of identification with “my needs” or “your needs” can soften, and we experience the situation from a different perspective. All of the needs present matter, regardless of which person they happen to be located in. Out of this deeper connection, our need for compassion may rise to the surface and create the space for a different outcome.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Principle: The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“Focusing on needs in conversation relies upon the very simple principle we’ve already seen: the more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“PRACTICE: Letting Go and Meeting Your Needs Think of a situation in the last few weeks in which a need wasn’t met. For this exercise, it’s essential that you choose something that is low on the scale of difficulty in order to learn the skill of shifting your attention between the personal and universal aspects of a need. If you choose something that is too hard (think “water in the desert”), the emotional pain will likely hinder your learning. Identify a key need in the situation. Inquire, “What matters about this to me? What do I want?” Listen inwardly, and then ask again, “If I had that, then what would I have?” Keep asking until you feel a settled clarity about the need or value for which you long. Place your attention on the personal aspect of this need: the fact that it hasn’t been met. You can say silently to yourself, “My need for _________ wasn’t met.” Notice how it feels to experience the need as a lack, something personal and unfulfilled. Next, let go of the situation, the circumstances, and see if you can shift your attention to the need itself. Focus on the inherent value of this need as a universal aspect of being human. You can say silently to yourself, “I deeply value _________” or, “Just as I long for _________, so do all people need _________.” Can you sense the beauty and dignity of this need? Can you experience its fullness, independent of whether or not it is satisfied? If you have trouble sensing the universal aspect of the need, try to remember (or imagine) a time when the need was met. Remember how it feels to have the need fulfilled. Then try to shift your attention to the universal aspect of this need as something you would want for all people.”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“PRACTICE: Letting Go and Meeting Your Needs Think of a situation in the last few weeks in which a need wasn’t met. For this exercise, it’s essential that you choose something that is low on the scale of difficulty in order to learn the skill of shifting your attention between the personal and universal aspects of a need. If you choose something that is too hard (think “water in the desert”), the emotional pain will likely hinder your learning. Identify a key need in the situation. Inquire, “What matters about this to me? What do I want?” Listen inwardly, and then ask again, “If I had that, then what would I have?” Keep asking until you feel a settled clarity about the need or value for which you long. Place your attention on the personal aspect of this need: the fact that it hasn’t been met. You can say silently to yourself, “My need for _________ wasn’t met.” Notice how it feels to experience the need as a lack, something personal and unfulfilled. Next, let go of the situation, the circumstances, and see if you can shift your attention to the need itself. Focus on the inherent value of this need as a universal aspect of being human. You can say silently to yourself, “I deeply value _________” or, “Just as I long for _________, so do all people need _________.” Can you sense the beauty and dignity of this need? Can you experience its fullness, independent of whether or not it is satisfied?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

“We can explore developing this advanced awareness with more peripheral needs. For example, if others at work are too busy to offer appreciation for a presentation you gave, can you feel okay inside knowing that you worked hard, sensing your value for appreciation without needing it to be met?”
― Oren Jay Sofer, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication