The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe Quotes

“You can’t just dump things at our feet when you want to go eat a goddamn panda. The working class are not your trash bin.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“There was a brief, piercing scream as the moon began to set over HAWAll.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Kara, has pole vault legend Verna Dickerson reached out to congratulate you yet?” “If I get you a pole, will you vault over that Sbarro right now?” “Where will you visit first, the White House or Disneyland?”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Kara found herself wondering what the woman’s moodcore might look like if she were a Larvilkian. She thought there was a good chance it might just be a holographic projection of vultures picking at a dead horse.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“I bet there aren’t!” Zzarvon smiled.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“the pole to Kara. “Sometimes there were so many of them I started calling in tips to Russian whalers,” Cornelius added. “Gotta pay the bills somehow. Now let’s quit messing around. Stick this jump and we’ll both earn a lot of money.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“It's probably best not to think about how horniness factored into a piece of folk wisdom that had to do with underutilized tentacles. Not while still processing all those front anuses.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Perhaps the saying should actually be that all folk wisdom has its roots in horniness.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“now that 9-Krelblax thought about it, were soon enough after the Secretary of War’s conviction for sleeping with an underage Piltrixian refugee to be in extremely poor taste. “An idle tentacle is a Piltrixian’s greatest ally.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Kara fully accepted that her conscience might burst through the wall later in life, bearded, emaciated, and ready to wreak havoc on whatever successful position in life lacking a conscience had elevated her to. But as she gripped the pole, she had to admit it was a lot easier to focus on sports when you didn’t give a damn about anything in life that was actually important.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“beak pillows or rat scarves”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“People tell jokes in the locker room about the pole vaulters. ‘When’s the best time to give a pole vaulter bad news?’” Cornelius pondered this for a moment, then gave up. “When?” he asked. “When he’s finished licking one end of the pole and is turning it around to lick the other end!” Kara said. “Even though I don’t really get it, that’s still pretty funny,”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“I’ll be quiet, sir,” Zzarvon said. He let the mass murder drop and went back to admiring his new pin. “Yo!”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Please pass along my greetings to your subordinates.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Before the last Winter Olympics, a rumor had circulated around Kara’s middle school that in order to top the sheer scale and spectacle of the previous Olympics’ ceremony, the host country was actually going to throw someone into the mouth of an erupting volcano.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Let’s maybe avoid competing in the gymnastics events,” 9-Krelblax said. He sounded terrified. Zzarvon’s moodcore had gone white; he gulped and nodded in agreement.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Ever since the first caveman went out on a hunt and did not die horribly, thereupon learning that life was not, in fact, one unceasing string of negative events, hope has been a uniquely human condition. And, shortly after that caveman returned to his cave expecting his cavewife and cavebaby to greet him and instead found a saber-toothed tiger snacking on their bloody remains, disappointment has gone hand in hand with hope.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Sounds desperate. I told him, ‘You can’t just talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk! Perform a couple of public ethnic cleansings, then you establish yourself as the go-to country for someone looking to commit a genocide!”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Careful there, Niner,” King Moho cautioned. “It’s bad luck if an alien passes out from hyperventilating in the middle of a luau.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“I’ve got a few years under my belt, Kara, and if I had to offer you one piece of advice, it would be to always say yes when a lunatic asks you if you are God. Best case scenario, you find yourself a willing servant. Worst case, you tell him that it is your will that he find a different seat on the city bus and leave you alone.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“But every sign I saw just had the same stupid warning about endangered dolphin breeding habitats so I figured I still had a ways to go.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Attention ladies: My lower tentacles don’t extend past the two-inch mark.”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe

“Really?” asked Zzarvon. “Is that one eligible for Make It A Meal Deal?”
― Conor Lastowka, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe