I'm Afraid of Men. Quotes

“I have always been disturbed by this transition, by the reality that often the only way to capture someone’s attention and to encourage them to recognize their own internal biases (and to work to alter them) is to confront them with sensational stories of suffering. Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?”
― Vivek Shraya , I'm Afraid of Men.

“I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The pressure to be “good” is not exclusive to one gender, nor is it applied equally to all genders. To be clear, the stress on girls to be “good” far surpasses any stress men might feel to be “good.” This disparity is perhaps best exemplified by the fact that when a girl does something “wrong,” few mourn her goodness. We rarely hear, “I thought she was one of the good girls.” Women who behave “badly” are ultimately not given the same benefit of the doubt as men and are immediately cast off as bitches or sluts. Men might be written off as “dogs,” but their reckless behaviour is more often unnoticed, forgiven, or even celebrated—hence our cultural fixation with bad boys.”
― Vivek Shraya , I'm Afraid of Men.

“Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are merely seen as "typical" for men. But "typical" is dangerously interchangeable with "acceptable".”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“What would my body look and feel like if I didn't have to mold it into both a shield and an ornament? How do I love a body that was never fully my own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“But your fear is not only hurting me, it's hurting you, limiting you from being everything you could be. Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviours, emotions, and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine. What might your life be if you didn't impose these designations on yourself, let alone on me?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Falling in love with another human is terrifying. As our language insists, romantic love is always preceded by a fall, the necessity of losing control and potentially hurting yourself in the process of connecting with another”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“This praise highlights another problem with the idea of the "good man"—the bar is ultimately a low one, and men are heralded every day for engaging in basic acts of domestic labour like washing dishes. It is this low bar that also renders the experiences I've shared unexceptional and therefore so often unnoticed. Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are seen as merely "typical" for men. But "typical" is dangerously interchangeable with "acceptable." "Boys will be boys," after all.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Queerness is associated with freedom from boundaries.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The theme of entitlement to space that emerges in many of my recollections of men, and in my own masculine development, is colonial code for claiming someone else's space. Whether it's through an emphasis on being large and muscular, or asserting power by an extended or intimidating stride on sidewalks, being loud in bars, manspreading on public transit, or enacting harm of violence on others, taking up space is a form of misogyny because so often the space that men try to seize and dominate belongs to women and gender-nonconforming people.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“If we want masculinity to be different, we must confront and tackle the baseline instead of longing for exceptions. Loving your mother, holding a door open for a woman, being a good listener, or even being a feminist doesn't make a man an exception. Experiencing oppression—including racism, homophobia, and transphobia—doesn't make a man an exception. If we are invested in perpetuating and glorifying the myth of the "good man," we are also complicit in overlooking, if not permitting, the reprehensible behaviour of the "typical man.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“When I was learning to be a man, I wish that instead of the coaching I received to take up space, I had been taught to be respectful of space. To be ever conscious of and ever grateful to those whose sacred land I inhabit. To be mindful of the space and bodies of others, especially feminine bodies. To never presume that I am permetted to touch the body of another, no matter how queer space. To give up or create space when I am afforded more than others.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Why is being touch by strangers — strangers who refuse to identify themselves — a form of flattery?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“How cruel it is to have endured two decades of being punished for being too girly only to be told that I am now not girly enough.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“And so, I’m also afraid of women. I’m afraid of women who’ve either emboldened or defended the men who have harmed me, or have watched in silence. I’m afraid of women who adopt masculine traits and then feel compelled to dominate or silence me at dinner parties. I’m afraid of women who see me as a predator and whose comfort I consequently put before my own by using male locker rooms. I’m afraid of women who have internalized their experiences of misogyny so deeply that they make me their punching bag. I’m afraid of the women who, like men, reject my pronouns and refuse to see my femininity, or who comment on or criticize my appearance, down to my chipped nail polish, to reiterate that I am not one of them. I’m afraid of women who, when I share my experiences of being trans, try to console me by announcing “welcome to being a woman,” refusing to recognize the ways in which our experiences fundamentally differ. But I’m especially afraid of women because my history has taught me that I can’t fully rely upon other women for sisterhood, or allyship, or protection from men.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“If we want masculinity to be different, we must
confront and tackle the baseline instead of longing for exceptions.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The disdain for women and femininity is insidious, infecting even those who profess to love women, and it takes many forms.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“...to what extent is sexuality shaped and constrained by childhood experiences of male violence? What might desire feel like if the construction of sexuality didn't take place in tandem with childhood experiences of violence from men?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me—and all of us who are pushing against gendered expectations and restrictions? What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibility—yours and mine? Might you then free me at last of my fear, and of your own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Your fear is not only hurting me, it’s hurting you… Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviors, emotions and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine. What might your life be if you didn’t impose these designations on yourself, let alone on me?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“The history and current state of western masculinity is predicated on diminishing and desecrating the feminine, therefore, healthier masculinity must be one that honors and embraces femininity as many non-western cultures have long prescribed.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“I'm also afraid that the most prevalent response these stories will elicit is pity. Even worse, I'm afraid of the necessity of eliciting pity in order to generate concern or galvanize change.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviors, emotions, and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine. What might your life be if you didn't impose these designations on yourself, let alone on me? What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me and all of us who are pushing against gender expectations and restrictions? What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibility, yours and mine? Might you then free me, at last, of my fear and of your own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“Over the years I've come to expect being groped in gay bars. Complaining about this unwanted touching is often deemed sex-negative, un-queer or even homophobic. Touching in gay bars is often seen as an acceptable form of cruising. [...] I've also witnessed gay men grabbing women's breasts many times on the dance floor. When asked to stop, some have replied 'Don't worry I'm gay! I'm not into girls!" Not being into girls, however, is sometimes less about sexual preference and more about disdain. Is grabbing women's breasts a way to make women feel unsafe and therefore keep them out of gay bars?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“My friendship with you marks the first time in my adult life when a man not only makes me feel that I can offer what I've chosen to offer, but also that it will be welcomed.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“I know that many men and even women are afraid and angry when women do speak, because in this barbaric society, when women speak truly they speak subversively—they can’t help it: if you’re underneath, if you’re kept down, you break out, you subvert. We are volcanoes. When we women offer our experience as our truth, as human truth, all the maps change. There are new mountains.” — URSULA K. LE GUIN”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“What would my body look like if I didn’t want affection from gay men and protection from straight men? What would my body look and feel like if I didn’t have to mould it into both a shield and an ornament? How do I love a body that was never fully my own?”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“As important as it is to make these incidents visible by reporting them, sensationalizing and digesting these stories is also a form of social control, a reminder that I need to be afraid and to try to be as invisible as possible.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.

“I didn't say 'I love you' because I wanted you to say it back. [...] It kinda bothers me that 'I love you' is treated like the destination in a relationship. I told you because that's how I feel and I wanted you to know.”
― Vivek Shraya, I'm Afraid of Men.