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I'm Afraid of Men

Vivek Shraya (Goodreads Author)

4.27 · Rating details · 6,776 ratings · 1,002 reviews

A trans artist explores how masculinity was imposed on her as a boy and continues to haunt her as a girl--and how we might re-imagine gender for the twenty-first century.

Vivek Shraya has reason to be afraid. Throughout her life she's endured acts of cruelty and aggression for being too feminine as a boy and not feminine enough as a girl. In order to survive childhood, she ...more

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Hardcover, 96 pages

Published August 28th 2018 by Penguin Books Canada

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May 20, 2019 Cindy rated it really liked it

A short yet sobering book written with raw honesty and valuable insights of how we treat women and people within the LGBT+ community. I was surprised to find myself gaining new perspectives based on the questions that Shraya asks, particularly with how we put men on a binary between “good”/“bad”, and the distinction between identifying as LGBT+ and being expected to have no boundaries. I think if this were a full-length memoir, I would have easily rated it 5 stars; however, this 96-page book cou ...more

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Dec 26, 2018 Thomas rated it it was amazing

Shelves: five-stars, nonfiction, feminism, lgbtq, own-physical, biography-or-memoir

A vulnerable, powerful examination of gender and masculinity from trans artist Vivek Shraya. I’m Afraid of Men reminded me of We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, as Shraya uses her personal experiences of sexism and harassment to build a case for why we need to redefine and rebuild masculinity as well as gender overall. She shares her lived experience as a trans person of color with courage and incision, both the pain she has felt at the hands of men and misogynistic wome A vulnerable, powerful examination of gender and masculinity from trans artist Vivek Shraya. I’m Afraid of Men reminded me of We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, as Shraya uses her personal experiences of sexism and harassment to build a case for why we need to redefine and rebuild masculinity as well as gender overall. She shares her lived experience as a trans person of color with courage and incision, both the pain she has felt at the hands of men and misogynistic women and how she wants us all to move forward to create a better world. A short paragraph in which she reflects on what she wishes she had learned growing up as a boy:

"When I was learning to be a man, I wish that instead of the coaching I received to take up space, I had been taught to be respectful of space. To be ever conscious of and ever grateful to those whose sacred land I inhabit. To be mindful of the space and bodies of others, especially feminine bodies. To never presume that I am permitted to touch the body of another, no matter how queer the space. To give up or create space when I am afforded more than others."

Though this book falls on the shorter side, Shraya shares many insights that I wish more people thought of. She discusses how our expectations for men are way too low, how the idea of a “good man” prevents us from positively reinforcing specific behaviors men should practice more, and how the gender binary makes us all feel afraid. I’m Afraid of Men has both intellectual and emotional honesty. As someone who has also felt afraid of men throughout his life because of how they have hurt me, I appreciated Shraya’s personal disclosures a lot and they made me feel connected and less alone, despite the differences in our social identities. Recommended to anyone who wants a succinct yet compelling exploration of gender, as well as for people who have a difficulty trusting men. I’ll end this review with another earnest passage toward the end of the book:

"I wonder what my life might have been like if my so-called feminine tendencies, such as being sensitive, or my interests, such as wearing my mother's clothing, or even my body had not been gendered or designated as either feminine or masculine at all. Despite the ways in which my gender felt enforced, I sometimes miss elements of my masculine past, like the thickness of my beard or the once impressive width of my biceps. Maybe this missing is actually mourning in disguise, for having to surrender aspects of my appearance I worked hard to achieve. Or maybe I'm mourning a life that I still don't get to fully live because it's one I continue to have to defend and authenticate. What if I didn't have to give up any characteristics, especially ones I like, to outwardly prove I am a girl? What if living my truth now didn't immediately render everything that came before, namely my manhood, a lie?" ...more

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Feb 03, 2020 Beverly rated it really liked it

Shelves: memoir

So am I. Vivek Shraya has written a timely essay about her and the world's struggle with masculinity. What we accept as normal behavior in boys is pretty unsettling when you write it down. Femininity is seen as a negative in our world, so if a boy displays feminine traits, he is automatically denigrated. She talks about how she was not accepted with either sex. Boys and girls made fun of her; one creep spit on her back, as Vivek was waiting at a bus stop, while the creep's girlfriend giggled. Sh ...more

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Aug 10, 2019 Jon Nakapalau rated it it was amazing

Shelves: cultural-studies, psychology, favorites, pop-culture, biography, sociology

This was such a powerful book - I must admit: I knew very little about transsexuals - and I had no idea how many different ways rejection impacted their perception of self and identity. To constantly have to 'check' yourself as far as a 'gender meter' (am I too feminine for this group - too masculine for this group) seems to me to be a burden that would be overwhelming. Vivek is raw and honest about how life treats this community and how quickly allies can turn away from you if you do not meet t ...more

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Oct 19, 2018 l. rated it did not like it

Shelves: non-fiction, biographical, lgbt, desi-lit, women-gender, canadian-lit, fedora-intensifies, 2018

Tbh Vivek just isn’t in command of her material here. The way Vivek continually conflates femininity and women is extremely irritating and I’m fed up of trans writers doing this. I’m tried of people substituting the word feminine for female - which Vivek does repeatedly. They’re not interchangeable. If you can discuss male privilege and behaviours, you can acknowledge that female people exist. We are not just non-males.

Really the book’s biggest problem is that it claims to be about misogyny but ...more

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Oct 19, 2018 CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian rated it really liked it

Shelves: queer, bisexual, trans, trans-fem, canadian, nonfiction, reading-in-colour, essays, south-asian

4.5! Moving, accessible, important: that's what this book is! I loved it. My only complaint is that it was so short! I think this is a great intro-ish level book on feminism.

"What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me, and all of us who are pushing against gendered expectations and restrictions? What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibility, yours and mine? Might you then free me at last of my fear ...more

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May 01, 2021 l. added it · review of another edition

Shelves: adult, author-of-color, memoir-bio, writing-essays, lgbtqiap-rep, audiobook, ownvoices, non-fiction, yarc-2021, feminism

“Sexist comments, intimidation, groping, violating boundaries, and aggression are merely seen as ‘typical’ for men. But ‘typical’ is dangerously interchangeable with ‘acceptable’. ‘Boys will be boys’, after all.”

Blog | Twitter | Instagram | Tumblr | Bloglovin’ ...more

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Jun 16, 2021 Pavel Nedelcu rated it it was amazing

Shelves: non-fiction

MASCULINITY: THAT DAILY FORM OF OPPRESSION

Vivek is a trans singer, who during her life has had negative experiences with several men (and women), who took full advantage of the privilege given to them by the patriarchal society to offend and attack her for her sexual preferences, appearance or gender uncertainty.

The chapters in the book are a series of second-person stories - the author speaks directly to the people she has dealt with and reveals their misbehavior and its effects on her.

An ess ...more

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Jun 22, 2021 Rae added it · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fictionaries, feministastic

I remember reading this book and having no words whatsoever when I got to the very last page. I tried to write and rewrite a review before eventually settling on just adding this to my shelves.

The only reason why I'm revisiting this book now is because earlier this day, a friend of mine and I had a very insightful conversation about this very memoir. I wouldn't go to depths of said conversation to bore you as little as possible but this friend found this book lacking in some way and needless to ...more

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Dec 04, 2019 Rachel rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2019, essay-collections, nonfiction, audiobooks

A worthwhile, sobering account of Shraya's own experiences with toxic masculinity and societal expectations of gender roles; hardly unfamiliar topics if you read a lot of this kind of nonfiction, but Shraya's perspective as a queer trans woman of color is a valuable addition to the discourse, and I'd highly recommend this over a lot of similar books, especially if you're looking for something short and punchy.

My only issue is that at 96 pages (or under 2 hours on audio, which is how I consumed ...more

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Jun 06, 2020 Ilana rated it did not like it · review of another edition

Shelves: 21st-century, nonfiction, canada, biography-memoir, lgb_etc, cultural-history, contemporary, library-book, audiobooks

Apparently women are responsible for protecting feminine men from other men. We are, according to this author, failing as human shields and that makes us bad people. I read this because it won’t be said I live in my own little echo chamber and that I don’t listen to trans & nonbinary people. Yep, that’s how I roll. My transcription from the audiobook:

“I’m especially afraid of women because my history has taught me that I can’t fully rely upon other women for sisterhood or allyship or protection— Apparently women are responsible for protecting feminine men from other men. We are, according to this author, failing as human shields and that makes us bad people. I read this because it won’t be said I live in my own little echo chamber and that I don’t listen to trans & nonbinary people. Yep, that’s how I roll. My transcription from the audiobook:

“I’m especially afraid of women because my history has taught me that I can’t fully rely upon other women for sisterhood or allyship or protection—from men. Out of this fear comes a desire not only to reimagine masculinity but to blur gendered boundaries altogether and celebrate gender creativity. It’s not enough to let go of the misplaced hope for a good or a better man. It’s not enough to honour femininity. Both of these options might offer a momentary respite from the dangers of masculinity but in the end they only perpetuate a binary and the pressure that bears down when we live at different ends of the spectrum.

I wonder what my life might have been like if my so called feminine tendencies such as being sensitive, or my interests, such as wearing my mother’s clothing, or even my body had not been gendered or designated as either feminine or masculine at all. Despite the ways in which my gender felt enforced, I sometimes miss elements of my masculine past, like the thickness of my beard, or the once impressive width of my biceps. Maybe this missing is actually mourning in disguise for having to surrender aspects of my appearance I worked hard to achieve. Or maybe I’m mourning a life that I still don’t get to fully live, because it’s one I continue to have to defend and authenticate.

What if I didn’t have to give up any characteristics especially ones I like to outwardly prove I’m a girl? What if living my truth now didn’t render everything that came before—namely my manhood—a lie? As a girl, I’ve grown to appreciate my chest hair, a black flame rising from my bra, more than I ever did when I was a boy who regularly waxed & trimmed to adhere to the 90s standard. Unfortunately any ambiguity & nonconformity, especially when it comes to gender, conjures terror. This is precisely why men are afraid of me, why women are afraid of me too. But your fear is not only hurting me, it’s hurting you. Limiting you from being everything you could be. Consider how often you have dismissed your own appearance, behaviours, emotion and aspirations for being too feminine or masculine? What might your life be if you didn’t impose those designations on youself? Let alone on me?

What if you were to challenge yourself every time you feel afraid of me and all of us who are pushing against gendered expectations and restrictions. What if you cherished us as archetipes of realized potential? What if you were to surrender to sublime possibly, yours and mine. Might you then free me at last of my fear and your own?”

My question is, why couldn’t you just live as you are and redefine manhood to include feeling and wanting to present as “feminine” instead of insisting you’re a woman, while also missing your manhood?

Also: only a narcissist would call themselves an archetype of anything and that alone is reason enough for me to say a resounding NO, I just don’t fuxking think so.

*

Anyone wants to comment about my non review? If you’re dying to defend a paedophile perhaps you need to be quiet and spend a bit of time reflecting on your priorities in life.

Bonus: What a surprise! The father of Queer Theory is a paedo!

https://grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/...? ...more

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Sep 04, 2018 Krista rated it really liked it

Shelves: nonfiction, 2018, can-con, memoir, arc

I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me fear.

I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself.

As per her current author blurb, “Vivek Shraya is an artist whose body of work crosses the boundaries of music, poetry, fiction, v

I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me fear.

I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I'm afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself.

As per her current author blurb, “Vivek Shraya is an artist whose body of work crosses the boundaries of music, poetry, fiction, visual art, and film”, and in I'm Afraid of Men – truly more a long essay than a full-length book – she uses stories from her unusual life to illustrate her journey from being born a boy who was always accused of being too feminine, to coming out as a gay man – who was then accused of not being buff enough to fit into the gay culture – to eventually transitioning into a woman, who is now accused of not being feminine enough. Throughout this process of self-discovery, Shraya has learned to be afraid of men (and women, too) who would confront nonconformity with violence, and while some of her declarative statements weren't quite self-evident to me, I think that hers is an important voice to add to any conversation about gender or sexual nonconformity. Hearing stories about how other people live helps to move them into familiar territory; familiarity must lead to acceptance and safety; here's to a world in which Shraya is no longer afraid of men. (Note: I read an ARC and quotes may not be in their final forms.)

I have to admit that it challenges me to have Shraya describe her time when she presented as a gay man – someone who was butch and buff, spoke in a low register, dressed in neutrals and plaid – and then say that she spent ten of those years in a relationship with a woman. Ultimately describing herself as “a queer trans girl”, Shraya was still presenting as this butch gay man when she met her current boyfriend, and was together with him for a while before she even realised she wanted to transition; it challenges me to think that this boyfriend would stay along for the ride as his male partner became a female (or rather, began to outwardly express that part of herself). Yet, I like being challenged in this thinking; who or how other people decide to love doesn't affect me at all. Even so, some of Shraya's most politically progressive statements made me raise an eyebrow:

• On the heirarchy of harassment, staring is the least violent consequence for my gender nonconformity that I could hope for.

• In this particular relationship, the process of exposure is especially protracted by how jarring it feels to see my (brown) skin against your pale skin, the skin of the oppressor.

• Whether it's through an emphasis on being large and muscular, or asserting dominance by an extended or intimidating stride on sidewalks, being loud in bars, manspreading on public transit, or enacting harm or violence on others, taking up space is a form of misogyny because so often the space that men try to seize and dominate belongs to women and gender-nonconforming people.

But again, I'd rather be challenged in my thinking than read only things that chime with what I already think I believe; and this book gives me plenty to think on. As for what solutions Shraya offers, that was challenging as well:

Out of this fear comes a desire not only to reimagine masculinity but to blur gendered boundaries altogether and celebrate gender creativity. It's not enough to let go of the misplaced hope for a good or a better man. It's not enough to honour femininity. Both of these options might offer a momentary respite from the dangers of masculinity, but in the end they only perpetuate a binary and the pressure that bears down when we live at different ends of the spectrum.

Just as Shraya now appreciates the “chest hair – a black flame rising from my bra – more than I ever did when I was a boy who regularly waxed and trimmed to adhere to the '90s standard”, she can see a future where “gender creativity” is celebrated and everyone walks down the street, expressing themselves fluidly and without fear of violence. I don't know if I can quite see that future, but I do firmly believe that the first step in any cultural revolution is listening to the stories of others and embracing them as part of the larger human story. I wish for Shraya that fear-free future. ...more

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Aug 26, 2018 Kiki rated it did not like it

How to describe this book? It's essentially an almanac of whining. Shraya, born into privilege and now a university professor after struggling for many years to achieve fame as a pop star, enumerates the ways in which she's felt oppressed, or even made slightly uncomfortable, by men (and women -- basically everyone) through the years. I was excited for something substantive, but this was insufferable. ...more

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Oct 23, 2018 chantel nouseforaname rated it it was ok

Shelves: popular, struggle-to-finish, women-of-color-writers

This was a hard and very instigating read for me that I could and couldn’t relate to on LEVELS. I have many issues with so many concepts in this book and they mainly stem from the pointed questions, relating to her own experience, that Vivek uses to paint cis-gendered woman in this almost-as-bad as men sort of dynamic, towards the end..which may be true in some cases, but to have it depicted that way.. you know, it’s alienating. Maybe, that’s what she wants, to shake shit up, but I didn’t like i This was a hard and very instigating read for me that I could and couldn’t relate to on LEVELS. I have many issues with so many concepts in this book and they mainly stem from the pointed questions, relating to her own experience, that Vivek uses to paint cis-gendered woman in this almost-as-bad as men sort of dynamic, towards the end..which may be true in some cases, but to have it depicted that way.. you know, it’s alienating. Maybe, that’s what she wants, to shake shit up, but I didn’t like it and I wonder if I’m just being too critical of the diss and that’s just really the way trans women experience other women, generally speaking. However, hailing from a similarly marginalized intersection of women, I don’t believe that shit for a second.. Real talk, how problematic she describes women as being is a possibility, if I’m not being facetious, but I just think it’s irresponsible to put that generic ideology out there in the world. Your truth is your truth tho, so it is what it is. I can’t even get into what I really thought because I honestly feel like there are just so many people in the comments on this book who sum up my issues with this book perfectly.

It took me awhile to get through such a short book because of the conflicting energies it brought up out of me. I know what Vivek is saying is true about the experiences of trans women but I think it’s her need for people to cape for her that rubs me the wrong way. It’s idealistic in a way and that wouldn’t typically upset me, but it does here and I think it’s because of my intersection of being a black female reader who never comes from a place where I’ve had the privilege of anyone caping for me or seeing me as cape-worthy, so now when I see other women asking why people ain’t caping for them - I’m like oh girl, that’s an option? You’re kidding, we don’t need that, we keep stepping regardless...why you worried? Oh you think you’re owed safety? Bitch where? (We all should be allowed to live in peace and safety real talk, but...)We ain’t been safe out here since the beginning of time! Why aren’t we challenging that, you ask? Oh well, it’s becausd we haven’t been even given the platform to speak.. why? Oh, because we don’t have the privilege of not having to deal with anti-blackness or having famous white people and white Women on our side to push us! We don’t have the resources my G, so you’re out here with an issue and we’re just trying to survive.. and it’s shit that I think that way but yeah.. It’s sad that that’s how we’ve been conditioned to think because those are the facts and that it informs my perspective of books like this. It’s shitty, because I can honestly state as a black woman, that if I had read this as a book from the intersection of a black trans woman writer and not Vivek, I probably would have had a completely different experience with it. Shitty, but, just like racism’s existence, it’s a true statement. I really just believe that a few elements of entitlement and language around what is and isn’t a feminine trait or female behaviour would have been handled or spoken about differently from a black author.

I just really don’t get, my brain is struggling to compute why Vivek wants externals to be the one to ride or die for her, when as a black woman reading this I just felt like, yeah, me too girl, all of us do. Ain’t no one been caping for me. I see you Vivek, I feel you but if you’re afraid of men, why as a quick side-bar on top of this, you want to shit on women who have a hard enough time dealing with the levels of muck we’re buried under too, from any intersection not cis/het & white. To be honest, I’m terrified of men as well, but when in the last few pages she goes on to talk about how she misses her beard and she misses elements of masculinity my interactions with this book became more and more conflicted. I know also that reasonably speaking, Vivek missing elements of her masculinity doesn’t have to be a one or the other.. and that of course one of the unique elements of being trans is the conflicting thoughts and emotions stylistically and emotionally that many trans people have to work through regarding their appearance.

Knowing a few trans women and men, this book didn’t sit too right with me. There was something about it I couldn’t click with. I do respect, on a base-level the fact that she shared this piece with the world. She definitely got me thinking and in the headspace where I want to examine my own viewpoints, about what it means to be female/feminine and what it does and doesn’t mean to be those things separately and together. I do believe that it’s that mix that threw me; the amalgamation of how Vivek portrays what she has experienced or thinks it is to be female/feminine herself in relation to other women, cis, trans & non-binary. It’s a conflicting read. ...more

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Jan 23, 2019 Catherine rated it really liked it

Shelves: nonfiction

I would be lying if I said that the title didn’t have a huge influence on my intrigue in this initially, however, this book ended up giving me way more insight than I could have ever guessed. Exploring masculinity from the perspective of a trans woman through her experiences both pre and post transition, Vivek Shraya delivers a very raw take on how misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia has impacted her life.

A particularly insightful part in this for me was Shraya’s take on the ‘good man’:

In ...more

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Apr 28, 2019 Callum McLaughlin rated it it was amazing

Shelves: non-fiction, queer-rep

Phenomenal. This book should be required reading. To say so much, so succinctly, about the pervasive harm of masculine energy, whilst offering hope for a better future, is frankly awe inspiring.

I am neither trans nor a person of colour, as Shraya is. For that reason, I would never deign to suggest I understand the extent of fear and suppression she has experienced. That said, as a gay man, I still felt so seen by this book. I don’t hate that I’m gay, but I hate that being gay makes me constantly Phenomenal. This book should be required reading. To say so much, so succinctly, about the pervasive harm of masculine energy, whilst offering hope for a better future, is frankly awe inspiring.

I am neither trans nor a person of colour, as Shraya is. For that reason, I would never deign to suggest I understand the extent of fear and suppression she has experienced. That said, as a gay man, I still felt so seen by this book. I don’t hate that I’m gay, but I hate that being gay makes me constantly police my own body language, appearance, and behaviour, through fear of ridicule, aggression and intimidation (all of which I have experienced as a queer person). I’ve never seen an author capture so eloquently and vividly how exhausting and frustrating it is to feel compelled to live your life this way, nor the kind of self-loathing it incites. This, in itself, helps to systematically uphold the patriarchy, the fear teaching us to publicly reject the parts of ourselves that ascribe to traditional feminine norms.

The use of direct address when relaying stories lends the book an intense immediacy. I also adored how nuanced and intersectional it is. No one is spared their rightful lampooning, with Shraya highlighting the kind of prejudices brought on by life under a misogynistic regime that plague us all: The gay men who are repulsed by the thought of vaginas; cis people who refuse to accept their trans counterparts; the ones who invalidate bisexual relationships; the straight women who have internalised misogyny to such an extent that they actively uphold heteronormative societal roles, and stand by in the face of injustice.

The book is also very self-aware, Shraya pointing out that queer and non-conforming people don’t want pity, and shouldn’t have to share experiences of trauma to earn respect or understanding. And yet, here we are, the shock of reality sometimes all we have to fall back on to be given a platform or taken seriously.

Shraya ultimately asks us to destroy the pedestal that upholds the concept of ‘The Good Man’. With the standard of ‘goodness’ in cis/straight men set so low, it excuses the failings of the typical man. We all have to strive for better. By dismissing gendered expectations, we will all be free to explore and express ourselves as individuals. After all, if there are no set roles to conform to, there can be no fear of non-conformity.

Frank, compact, perceptive, and eye-opening, I implore you all to read this absolute gem. ...more

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Dec 03, 2019 MissBecka Gee rated it liked it

Shelves: z2019-books-i-read, lgbtq, canada-stuffs, completed-library-rentals, femme

I enjoyed Vivek's internal awareness both of the things she has done and had done to her and the consequences of both sides of that.
It was eloquent. I've just read much grittier work from people dealing with similar problems.
Overall it's okay and a very quick read, so check it out. ...more

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Oct 25, 2019 Doug rated it really liked it · review of another edition

Although I'd LIKE to consider myself somewhat 'woke', this slim volume (it can literally be read in under an hour) makes me realize how far I have to go in overcoming certain inherent cisgender prejudices. As queer identified, much of this I could identify with, but it did go a long way towards confronting some of my long held misconceptions about trans people. In fact, my only quibble with the book is that it could have gone into much more detail, and there were sections that cried out for more ...more

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Jul 18, 2021 Rebecca rated it it was amazing

Shelves: lgbtqia, 2021

“I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself.”

This is an intimate, honest and thought provoking book! Writen as short little essays almost like diary entries, Vivek covers sexism, gender, misogyny, masculinity and feminism.

Vivek recalls incidents both good and bad from their early years as a queer boy to their 20s as a bisexual man and to her 30s, wh ...more

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Sep 06, 2018 Diane Creeman rated it did not like it

I picked up this beautiful little Penguin hardcover with high hopes. I wanted to read a trenchant essay on toxic masculinity. This book is garbage. It's like something someone in grade eight would write in their diary. The gist of it is "this boy in high school I thought was cute told my friend he wanted to beat me up and it scarred me for life and now I don't know how to have sex." It's truly that banal. I don't know how anyone could rhapsodize about this adolescent swill. ...more

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Aug 31, 2018 Joan rated it did not like it

Breathtakingly neurotic, self-absorbed person depicts countless incidents of self-consciousness throughout a life defined entirely by how others perceive her. At the end, one gets absolutely no sense that she's found emancipation or balance from her transition. Depressing and so very self-pitying. ...more

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Oct 27, 2018 Jane rated it it was amazing

Recommended to Jane by: 154

Shelves: anti-violence-reading-list

This book is a necessary antidote to cisgender, white perspectives of feminism in a post-#MeToo era (whatever that even means anymore!). What I found particularly powerful about Shraya's theorizing of masculinity is all the love and hope the narrator (and younger selves) gives the men who hurt her that, throughout the telling, violently gets thwarted and betrayed. We become, then, all the more aware of how the narrator is providing that love and hope herself, how that capacity remains even amids ...more

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Sep 01, 2018 Prakash rated it it was amazing

After reading "even this page is white" I never thought I would see my experience as a (gender)queer South Asian person living in Canada so acutely expressed in literature. But "I'm Afraid of Men" has done just that. Vivek Shraya so succinctly and devastatingly recounts how the systemic violence of a forced gender binary robs us of the ability to both be safe and be ourselves.

I really hope everyone who has ever cared about me reads this book so they can understand what I mean when I too say, "I ...more

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May 08, 2019 Starlah rated it it was amazing

Shelves: 2019, non-fic, queer, novella

In this essay, trans artist, Vivek Shraya writes with raw honesty her reasons for being afraid. Throughout her life, she had endured acts of cruelty and aggression. She discusses the damage - on not only herself but on society - that has been caused by misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia. Shraya builds a case for why we need to redefine masculinity and gender as a whole. Truly an amazing, compelling, emotional, and thought-provoking read.

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Jun 01, 2019 rachel ☾ rated it really liked it

Shelves: rep-bipoc, 4-star, non-fiction, rep-queer-author, audiobooks, rep-queer, rep-plus-size, rep-bipoc-author

my first read of pride! thought-provoking & powerful

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Sep 25, 2018 Sarah rated it it was ok

I wanted to like this book more than I did. I think as a memoir it succeeds, but it has the flavour of a manifesto, and I guess that's where I stumbled with it. In summary--I don't think women or anyone assigned female at birth (AFAB) would find any of her experiences surprising. Distressing, of course, but not surprising. I think any woman or AFAB person has lots of similar experiences.
Again, it's memoir and it's hard to questions another person's experiences. The entire first section, where s I wanted to like this book more than I did. I think as a memoir it succeeds, but it has the flavour of a manifesto, and I guess that's where I stumbled with it. In summary--I don't think women or anyone assigned female at birth (AFAB) would find any of her experiences surprising. Distressing, of course, but not surprising. I think any woman or AFAB person has lots of similar experiences.
Again, it's memoir and it's hard to questions another person's experiences. The entire first section, where she recounts a constant vigilance about how, when and where she will encounter men in her day to day life--this is work that's familiar to most women or AFAB people. Constantly parsing your language, your tone, your questions so as not to appear nagging or stupid--this is certainly familiar to me. But there are parts where she makes generalizations that I found grating--like (after describing the ways her boyfriend helps her navigate the world)--"Being a girl has required me to retrain myself to think of depending on others or asking for assistance not as weakness or even as pathetic, but rather as a necessity" (pg 7). I mean I know she's not saying that women are more dependent, but it....kinda sounds something like it.
Later in the book she bristles when a cis woman tries to elide their experiences, observing that this woman couldn't know what Shraya's experience is, not being trans herself. So, as we read on we learn that it's not only men she's afraid of, it's also women who have failed to show up for her, or extend friendship, or confront other people on her behalf---basically the gamut of shitty things that people do to one another or don't do, out of ignorance or apathy or lazyness, or just being oblivious. As an example, she wonders why a high school friend didn't confront a boy that Shraya had a crush on, when the boy said he had thought of beating Shraya up. I don't know, I just felt like, yes---we're ALL afraid of men, including lots (and lots!) of men.
The book is 85 pages long. You can read it in a couple of hours, with time to think in between.
She discusses the phenomenon of the 'good man'--the one who does the bare minimum and is celebrated, only to be displaced or disgraced when he's revealed to be fallible or less than 'good' in some way. This is tricky--again it relies on an understanding of people as either 'good' or 'bad', and made me wish there were more nuance in this analysis. Also--the gender norms she's discussing trap men also--like all genders are existing in the same misogynist culture, and we are all absorbing messages about behaviour in different ways, enacting patriarchal values differently. God knows I'm not an apologist for the patriarchy, but who's done the work of deprogramming all the men? I don't understand why we expect them to even realize they're benefiting from patriarchy--they've been swimming in this water their entire lives too.
At one point her partner cheats on her, and in anger she says to her boyfriend, "You're just like every other man, and you made me just another stupid bitch."---this is the last sentence in a chapter! Like, no unpacking of the hornets nest of misogynist self hatred embedded in the phrase, 'just another stupid bitch'---like WHAT????
She concludes by suggesting that non binary people should be considered sort of idealized forerunners in the gender present and future---she's probably right. But after the whole short book was spent only on two sides of the gender binary---it seems like too little too late to ask "What if you cherished us as archetypes of realized potential?"--as though we, the readers, aren't trapped by the same fears she's outlined in the previous pages.
I was really conflicted by this book. If it read like a simple memoir, I wouldn't have felt so challenged by it I'm sure. I don't think 85 pages was adequate to untangle all the issues she presents here. And I probably wouldn't have finished it if it had been a lot longer.
...more

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Aug 29, 2018 Beth rated it it was amazing

I initially picked up this book hoping to see through the eyes of a trans woman and educate myself on what her path might look like.

What I discovered was an insight into a very difficult journey but along with that I was challenged in my own perception of gender conformity. It made me think about our roles in society and I found that it gave me a little bit of strength and encouragement to explore my own feelings on the topic. My can of nonconforming worms has been well and truly opened.

And fo ...more

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Sep 06, 2018 Lisa H rated it it was amazing

Honestly, everyone should read this book. Shraya examines how masculinity has effected her life, she was too feminine as a boy, and is not feminine enough as a girl. It brings up tough questions about gender and asks us to reconsider what it means to be a "good" man. How do we make good less nebulous? In what ways does the way we think about gender need to change? This books asks hard questions but they are exactly the discussions we need to be having right now. ...more

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Oct 21, 2018 Jerrie (redwritinghood) rated it really liked it

This slim volume is a longish essay about the author’s experiences as a bisexual teen and then later as a trans woman. There aren’t any insights here that anyone up on contemporary feminism would find surprising, but the deeply personal aspect of the essays makes it a compelling read nonetheless. 3.5⭐️

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Sep 23, 2018 Elisabeth Manley rated it it was amazing

Make yourself smaller, invisible, don’t take up too much space, don’t accidentally rub arms with the man next to you on the subway. Don’t make eye contact, or smile, don’t accidentally show an interest that could be seen as “asking for it”, whatever “it” may be. Vivek Shraya speaks to the little things we do every day out of fear, whether we notice we do them or not. She doesn’t only limit this to men, this fear also extends to women; women who encourage these men, women who do not support each ...more

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About Vivek Shraya

Vivek Shraya

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Vivek Shraya is an artist whose body of work crosses the boundaries of music, literature, visual art, theatre, and film. She is the author of The Subtweet, Death Threat, even this page is white, The Boy & The Bindi, She of the Mountains, and God Loves Hair; and her best-selling I’m Afraid of Men was heralded by Vanity Fair as “cultural rocket fuel”. She is one half of the music duo Too Attac ...more

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Quotes from I'm Afraid of Men

“I have always been disturbed by this transition, by the reality that often the only way to capture someone’s attention and to encourage them to recognize their own internal biases (and to work to alter them) is to confront them with sensational stories of suffering. Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?” — 23 likes

“I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself” — 20 likes

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