Resilient Quotes

“There is a saying in Tibet: “If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves.” What’s the most important minute in life? I think it’s the next one. There is nothing we can do about the past, and we have limited influence over the hours and days to come. But the next minute—minute after minute after minute—is always full of possibility.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“It is simply about appreciating what is also true: such as flowers and sunlight, paper clips and fresh water, the kindness of others, easy access to knowledge and wisdom, and light at the flick of a switch.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Well-being comes from meeting our needs, not denying them. When we experience that our needs are sufficiently met, the body and mind enter the “green zone” Responsive mode, and there is a sense of peace, contentment, and love. When needs feel unmet, we’re disturbed into the fight-flight-freeze “red zone” Reactive mode, and there is a sense of fear, frustration, and hurt.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“The Reactive mode tears us down, while the Responsive mode builds us up. Adversity is certainly an opportunity to develop resilience, stress-hardiness, and even post-traumatic growth. But for a person to grow through adversity, there must also be Responsive resources present such as determination and sense of purpose. Plus most opportunities in daily life to experience and develop mental resources do not involve adversity: there is simply a moment of relaxation, gratitude, enthusiasm, self-worth, or kindness.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“You are settling into simply being in the present, letting go of the past and not fearing or planning the future. Nothing to fix, no other place to go, no one you have to be. Rest and relax as a whole body breathing.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“We develop mental resources in two stages. First, we need to experience what we want to grow, such as feeling grateful, loved, or confident. Second—critically important—we must convert that passing experience into a lasting change in the nervous system.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Third, recognize the costs of not forgiving the other person. It pains me to admit the price I’ve paid for resentment and bitterness in my own life and to admit how these attitudes have also harmed other people.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Imagine that your mind is a garden. You can tend to it in three ways: observe it, pull weeds, and plant flowers. Observing it is fundamental, and sometimes that’s all you can do. Perhaps something terrible has happened and you can only ride out the storm. But being with the mind is not enough; we must work with it as well. The mind is grounded in the brain, which is a physical system that doesn’t change for the better on its own. Weeds don’t get pulled and flowers don’t get planted simply by watching the garden.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Things go much better if you slow them down. Give yourself—and the other person—the gift of time: time to take a breath or two, figure out what the other person is really saying, allow the first waves of fight-or-flight reactions to pass through your body, and recognize and restrain impulsive words and actions that you’ll regret later. Those extra seconds before you speak help others feel less like they’re on the receiving end of a rat-a-tat-tat barrage of words and emotional intensity. And the extra seconds give them time to reflect and be less hijacked themselves.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Even minor experiences can build up like a pile of unlit matches.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Anger is also an effective way to hide hurt and vulnerability, assert status or dominance, push away fear, and compensate for feeling small or weak. In relationships, arguing or bickering can serve the purpose of keeping others at a comfortable distance. A saying describes anger as a poisoned barb with a honeyed tip.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“the importance of developing grit in the first place for the challenges you know about and the ones waiting around the corner to surprise you.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Linking is a powerful method. The brain learns through association, and when two things are held in awareness at the same time, they affect each other. The key is to make sure that what’s beneficial stays more prominent than what’s painful or harmful. Then the positive will purify the negative, rather than the negative contaminating the positive.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Try to see the big picture. Whatever has happened is probably a short chapter in the long book of your life.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Third, you can increase the positive—whatever is enjoyable or beneficial—by creating, growing, or preserving it. You could breathe more quickly to lift your energy, remember times with friends that make you feel happy, have realistic and useful thoughts about a situation at work, or motivate yourself by imagining how good it will feel to eat healthy foods.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Mindfulness helps you open up to the deeper layers of yourself.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Every human being has three basic needs—safety, satisfaction, and connection—that are grounded in our ancient evolutionary history.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Simply having useful, enjoyable experiences is not enough.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude. —A. A. Milne”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“you could make something good happen in a relationship, such as by listening carefully to someone.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“fears. Needless fear makes us shift resources from approaching opportunities to avoiding exaggerated threats. Anxiety increases defensiveness, paralysis by analysis, and immobilization. In relationships, fear makes people cling more tightly to “us” while being more suspicious and aggressive toward “them.” All of this makes a person less resilient.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“The first step toward forgiving yourself is taking responsibility for what you did. Admit everything—certainly to yourself, and perhaps to someone else. It’s hard to give a full pardon to people if they’re still arguing about whether they did anything wrong. Similarly, it’s impossible to give one to yourself without taking maximum reasonable responsibility for what happened. Accepting what you are responsible for helps you to know—and if need be, to assert to others—what you are not responsible for.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“When we’re appalled, hurt, or angry, it’s easy to reduce people to the one terrible thing they did. But around that is so much else: other intentions that were good, a whole complex life history, and their own hopes and dreams. When we see the whole, it’s not as hard to forgive the part. Everyone suffers, including the people who wrong us. Whatever they did is not negated or excused by their pain and loss and stress, but compassion for the load they carry makes it easier to forgive the load they put on you. As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each [person’s] life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any hostility.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR EXPERIENCE Others are responsible for what they do, but we are the source of our reactions to it. If the same mistreatment or injustice landed on ten people from around the world, there would be differences in how they experienced it. This doesn’t mean that someone’s reactions are inappropriate, but that they’re shaped by that person’s own mind. Recognizing this doesn’t invalidate your experience but holds it more lightly, which helps untangle you from it.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“You can’t forgive something fully if you haven’t named it fully: the facts of what happened, how it impacted you and others, and how it felt way down deep inside. Know your relevant values, and ask yourself, “What do I think was wrong here, and why?” In your mind, establish what you believe without minimizing it or exaggerating it. Have compassion for how all this landed on you. In other words, tell the truth to yourself.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief: • Denial: “I can’t believe that happened.” • Anger: “How dare you treat me that way!” • Bargaining: “Look, just admit you made a mistake and we’ll be fine.” • Depression: “I feel sad and hurt and frustrated.” • Acceptance: “What happened was bad, but it is what it is, and I want to move on.” The last stage is the transition into active forgiveness.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“A strong “me” in the midst of “we” fosters intimacy. This sense of personal autonomy is supported by establishing good boundaries and asserting your individuality inside your mind.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Empathy does not mean approval or agreement. You can empathize with someone without waiving your rights and needs. In fact, empathy is very useful during conflicts, or in general with people you don’t particularly like. Understanding them better could help you be more effective with them. And if they sense your empathy, they could feel more heard and become more willing to hear you.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“Empathy is tuning into and understanding other people. When you feel grounded as “me,” you’re able to be empathic without getting flooded or overwhelmed. Empathy is necessary for intimacy. It helps us make sense of tone and nuance, read intentions correctly, recognize the hurt under anger, and see the being behind the other person’s eyes. Then we can communicate and interact more skillfully. At work and elsewhere, empathy bridges differences in a multicultural world. It helps us feel felt, in Dan Siegel’s phrase. We live in and as individual bodies, each one mortal and often suffering. Empathy is the foundation of the sense that “I am not alone, others are with me, we are in this together, we share a common humanity.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

“The greater the intimacy, the greater the rewards—and the greater the risks. As you open up and invest in relationships, you inevitably become more exposed and vulnerable. Then others can more easily disappoint or hurt you.”
― Rick Hanson, Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness