The Trouble with Twelfth Grave Quotes

“But noooo. The man with the balls had to go in because he’s manly with manly balls and a penis to guide him. And now he’s all savage and wild, but he still has his balls. That’s all that’s important, by God. His man parts.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Sorry I killed you. Repeatedly.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Coffee: A warm, delicious alternative to hating everyone forever. —TRUE FACT”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Hey, do you know what I called the last guy who said something like that to me?"
When he only raised a noncommittal brow, I said, "An ambulance.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“They walked to the doors, and she unlocked them. Before she could say anything, I began the show.

"Garrett! Oh, my God!" I rushed forward and threw my arms around him. "What happened? Who did this?"

"I was mugged."

"Do we say mugged in Albuquerque?"

He glared at me.

"I'm so sorry. I'll take you to the hospital."

Disappointment lined the guard's face. But it quickly transformed into confusion. "Wait, I thought you said your name was Reyes. Reyes Farrow."

After I gaped at him for an eternity, an eternity in which he struggled to conceal [a] mischievous grin, I turned back to her. "It is. It's Reyes Garrett Farrow. Not Reyes Alexander Farrow." I snorted and waved a dismissive hand. "That's another guy altogether."

She wrinkled her forehead in suspicion.

"Gotta go," I said, hurrying him along. "Have to get this man to a hospital for multiple stab wounds."

"He was stabbed?" she asked with a concerned gasp.

"Not yet, but the night is young.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“it was his idea. I didn’t want to send him into that hell dimension. I was going to go in myself. Check shit out. Come back no worse for the wear. But noooo. The man with the balls had to go in because he’s manly with manly balls and a penis to guide him. And now he’s all savage and wild, but he still has his balls. That’s all that’s important, by God. His man parts.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“I just remember the place seemed cocky."

If it were possible to actually ground out a sigh of annoyance, Garrett just did it. "How can a business be cocky? And who the fuck is Walter?"

"There it is!" I pointed with way more enthusiasm than I should have and pulled into the parking lot of a large, menacing-looking building with a smaller one in front. "Welcome to the law offices of Dick, Adcock, and Peterman. See? Cocky. They had to know what they were doing when they partnered up.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Did you learn anything, at least?"

"I learned that Rey'azikeen is just as good at coitus as his alter ego.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“I needed coffee. And a shower. Or a coffee shower.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Osh, we are going to have to tie you up and torture you. Sorry.” “Really?” He stood and removed his top hat, a broad grin splitting his perfect face. With the enthusiasm of a virgin at a brothel, he slapped his hands together and rubbed them in anticipation. “Where do you want me?” Osh sat down and Garrett began the bondage process. Was it wrong that I had a hankering for gay porn at that moment?”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“I once made a pot of coffee so strong, it opened a jar for me. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“...what has possessed you to steal blood?"
"It's for a project."
"What kind of project?"
"A... bloody one.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Would you like me to rid you of it?”
“The priest?”
“The dress.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Playing dead sucked. Especially when things started crawling on me.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“That which doesn’t kill me, makes me weirder and harder to relate to. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge. —MEME”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“You’re such a freak.” “You’d be amazed at how often I hear that.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“God is love, but Satan does that thing you like with his tongue.

--BUMPER STICKER”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“When the men started to argue about the logistics of my devouring my own husband, which screamed cannibal in my humble opinion, my temper soared.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“There are two night guards here, and I’m not sure which one is on duty. If it’s the female, Garrett’s on. If it’s the male, this whole thing will rest in your hands, Osh.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“I wanted to address the fact that you give new meaning to the term smoking hot.”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave

“Osh, we are going to have to tie you up and torture you. Sorry."

"Really?" He stood and removed his top hat, a broad grin splitting his perfect face. With the enthusiasm of a virgin at a brothel, he slapped his hands together and rubbed them in anticipation. "Where do you want me?"

"That chair will be fine. Just scoot it to the middle of the room."

Cookie's office wasn't huge, but it was big enough to tie Osh up and torture him.

Gemma's eyes rounded in concern when Osh sat down and Garrett began the bondage process. Was it wrong that I had a hankering for gay porn at that moment?

I walked over to them to make sure Garrett's knots were inescapable. But inescapable to a human and inescapable to a Daeva were two very different things. Osh could most likely get out of pretty much any sticky situation, but if it did nothing else, it would damned sure slow him down. Garrett's handiwork made certain of that.

Osh grinned up at me. "You gonna do the deed, sugar? You gonna hurt me?”
― Darynda Jones, The Trouble with Twelfth Grave