Paradise Quotes

“Friedlander chuckled. “Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in theater?” “I don’t know?” “They went to see ‘Closed for the Winter’.” “Ha!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Break the problem down into manageable pieces, then solve each piece. Think of the problem as an enemy, and defeat them in detail.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“This farmer has a rooster that is growing old, and the farmer decides it’s time to get a new rooster. So he goes down the road to his neighbor Gilroy, and he buys a young rooster. When he gets home,” Skippy was already laughing at his own joke, “he puts the young rooster in the pen. The young rooster struts up to the old rooster and says ‘Hey old-timer, you need to hit the road. This is my place now’. The old rooster says ‘You’re right, it is my time, but I’ll tell you what. Someday you’ll be old, and a young rooster will come along to kick you out. I don’t want the ladies to see me just walk away. Could you chase me around some, we’ll fight for a minute for me to keep my dignity, and then I’ll leave?’ And the young rooster feels sorry for the old one, and says ‘Sure, old-timer, let’s go.’ So the young rooster chases the old rooster around the henhouse, and the farmer comes out to see what the commotion is. He says ‘What the hell?’ He grabs his shotgun and blows the young rooster away. As the old rooster is chuckling, the farmer says ‘Damn Gilroy done sold me a gay rooster’!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Skippy, you're the smartest being in the galaxy, right?" "Yup, as far as both of us know." "Great, because I do not understand women. Human women. Can you give me some insight? Help a brother out?" Skippy sighed. Or imitated a sigh, it was convincing. "Joe, I have studied all the literature about human female psychology, read all the books written by and for women, downloaded every blog, every Instagram or Pinterest post, watched every program on the Lifetime channel, listened in on conversations between women, and have chatted online with billions of your females. With all of my processing power, over the equivalent of millions of years of analysis, I have come to one simple conclusion about human females." "And what's that?" I asked eagerly. "Bitches be crazy.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“My suggestion is you find one woman, and do your best to understand her. I hear that is quite rewarding.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Amateurs discuss tactics. Professionals discuss logistics’.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Bitches be crazy.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“One of the special forces asked Skippy whether we could see the Sun from there, and Skippy enhanced the image in our helmet visors, so we could see the faint light of our home star. I remember Skippy reminding us that the light we were seeing then left the sun eighteen hundred years ago. The Roman Empire ruled the Mediterranean back then. Under that perspective, the authority of Earth begins to seem thin after we pass through a couple wormholes.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“it. One thing that being in the military had taught me, is that it is better to act and ask forgiveness, than to hesitate and ask permission.    ”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“No!” Skippy shouted. “Damn you are a dumbass! Seriously! Oh, this is hopeless. Hopeless! Girls hate it when a clueless guy uses too much cologne, and you guys always use too much or not at all. Put that can down! Get dressed, wear the blue shirt.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Because, sir, the United States Marine Corps is a forward-thinking organization, and they anticipated Earth would be invaded by aliens, leaving a major force trapped offworld to develop its own independent economy,” Rivera said with a deadpan expression. “My master’s degree is in management; economics was my undergrad major.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“They’re like my aunt Claire,” Dave went on. “When something bad happens to someone else, she says God is punishing them. When something bad happens to her, God is testing her faith. It’s the perfect system; no matter what happens, she’s right and everyone else is wrong.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“The human capacity to ignore facts and believe what they wanted to believe was a continued source of amazement and frustration”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“In my experience, Mr. Slean, whenever theory meets reality, theory loses.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“I was not going to let fear of criticism make me shy away from doing what I thought was right.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Anyway, as Hannibal Smith of the A Team said, overkill is underrated.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Kekrando had been preparing for a war game, which was why he was aboard the destroyer We are Proud to Follow the Shining Example of Combat Rifleman Tuut-uas-Val Kedwala instead of his command ship the He Who Pushes Aside Fear Shall Always be Victorious.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Both the Glory and the destroyer We are Proud to Honor Clan Sub-Leader Rash-au-Tal Vergent who Inspires us Every Day had gathered vital intelligence about Ruhar defense tactics and capabilities.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“To Seek Glory in Battle is Glorious emerged high above the planet’s southern continent, almost two thirds of the way to the pole.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“The Count then proceeded to explain the importance of our mission to bring delicious chocolaty breakfast cereal to the children of the world, and how much Franken Berry cereal sucked by comparison. While talking, the Count picked a booger from his nose, tried to flick it away, then smeared it on his jacket lapel.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Have you found some Thuranin data relays that are good targets for us?” I asked. “Yes I did, and I have great news for you, Joey. All of these particular relay stations are pokestops!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“the destroyer We are Proud to Honor Clan Sub-Leader Rash-au-Tal Vergent who Inspires us Every Day”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in theater?” “I don’t know?” “They went to see ‘Closed for the Winter’.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Because, sir, he is making the best use of the resources available to him, including his skill set. He might be terrible at farming, but he is good at fixing and maintaining equipment. If he used his off-duty time to grow crops, we would only have one more unskilled farmer. With the arrangement he has devised, his plot of land is being put to its best use, and his skills are being used to make people who are farming more productive by providing them with reliable equipment. Specialization of labor is key to an efficient economy; everyone does what they do best. Eventually, sir, we will need to establish a form of currency; this barter economy of people trading corn for tomatoes and so on, is inherently inefficient.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“No, I’ve been living on klah the past few days.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Ah, well, my mother told me that if wishes were fishes, we would all be swimming in riches. Ok, tell me about these two facilities.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“It’s not the touch, it’s knowing that you’re not alone, that someone cares about you.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Under stress, women tended to cry it away. Men tended to get angry and lash out.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“The power of Christ compels you!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“No problem. Seriously, Joe, women have just as much trouble understanding men, as men have trouble understanding women. The difference is, women generally want to understand men in order to be better relationship partners. Men mostly are looking to get women into bed.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise