Bang Quotes

“People can wonder and ponder and imagine all they want. But their curiosity does not entitle them to enter my world.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Nice is the white bread of the English language adjective breadbox. It’s tasteless, bland, and forgettable.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I'm still not ready to believe time heals wounds, but I think maybe something else does.

We heal wounds. Not time.

Us.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Like the games. I love these old games. The simplicity of them. You master them. You play them. You play until you lose. There are no complicated button combos or secret cheat codes or hidden trophies to collect. The achievement lies in lasting as long as you can, until you die.

Like life.

Last as long as you can. Hold on as long as possible. And there's no shame in losing, because everyone loses. It's just that everyone has a different score.

And the scores don't really matter after all. They disappear when you turn the game.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“(O)ur lives are the sum of our mistakes as well as our triumphs...”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“There's a difference between what you'll do in your mind and what you'll actually do for real.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I can't stop you from killing yourself. If that's what you truly want, no one can stop you. I can't be around twenty-four hours a day, looking after you. But if that's what you want, don't you think you owe it to your mother to talk to her first?”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“...rarely do the 'significant events' in our lives change us. At least, not in any way we want. The people who suffer tragedy and go on to greatness? They're the stuff of movies and TV shows and books, and--only very rarely--real life. Most of us just go on, the walking wounded, dealing with our lives. This doesn't make us bad--it just means we're not superheroes. It means we're just people, like everyone else.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I can't believe I fell for it. I can't believe I fooled myself without even trying. That I tricked myself into thinking that I could be happy, that I could be normal, that I could ignore the voice and it would go away, dissipate like smoke in open air. That the voice had gone away, that it ever could go away. And I realize the voice is screaming at me. No longer whispering. More than that, I realize it's been screaming for a while now. I just wasn't paying attention. But now I am. Now I am. "Is it time?" And the voice says, "Yes. Now." It makes perfect sense, suicide does. An end to pain, to misunderstanding. An end to my existence as a walking, talking, living, breathing reminder to my mother of what was taken from her. Why has it taken me so long? What have I let my pathetic excuse for a life drag on this long? I know why. Deep down, I know. I wasn't ready. Not before. Not like I am now. I've been preparing. I haven't been steeling myself for suicide. The suicide is actually the easy part. It's the other thing. The other thing. That's what I've been preparing for.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I need rituals, traditions like this one. Dr. Kennedy used to tell me that getting through life—especially after "a trauma like yours"—is sort of like swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan. [...] "Each time you start to lose momentum," Dr. Kennedy would say, "you look ahead to the next vine. And you jump for it, Sebastian. You don't think about it; you don't worry about it. You jump and you trust that you have the strength and the momentum to grasp that next vine." Every time I leap, I think this is the time my reach exceeds my grasp, this is the time my fingers will close on nothing but empty air, and I will plummet into green and the death of the jungle. I'm wrong every time. So far.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“[...] I think, "I can do this. I think I can do this. I think I can make it through the summer. One last summer. That's not so bad, right?" In bed, the voice says nothing, but its silence tells me everything.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Somethings are private. And they should stay that way and they get to stay that way. This isn't preschool; I don't have to share.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“She strokes my cheek. "Don't hate yourself, sweetheart. It gets you nothing. It gets you nowhere.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Less than I want. More than I deserve.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Popular culture woefully underprepares us for actual therapy.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I realize now that she made it possible for me not to think about other things, things I'm not going to talk about in this essay because they're none of your business. They're no one's business. And that, truly, is the major life-changing moment I'm writing about. My epiphany, if you will. Some things are private. And they should stay that way and they get to stay that way. This isn't preschool; I don't have to share. I don't have to tell unless I want to. My "significant events" can be personal and hidden and they're still real. [...] They're still mine and they still matter, [...] People can wonder and ponder and imagine all they want. But their curiosity does not entitle them to enter my world.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“She was funny and quick-witted, and she cared for me in a way I wasn't used to, a way I couldn't really process. She laughed at my jokes even when they weren't funny. She listened to me and didn't try to fix things. [...] Unconditional acceptance. She wasn't afraid to look at the darkness and keep smiling. Unlike everyone else, who either looked and then looked away, ashamed, or gawked. But more important, she was different. She was like no one I'd ever met before. And, to my shame, I allowed that to consume me. I was so used to being an outcast that I thought only of what made her different, too, thinking that this bonded us, that I couldn't possibly have anything to offer other than commiseration. And I fell in love with her. Far too hard and far too soon. And I just assumed that the feelings were reciprocated. Not really because of anything she did—though I convinced myself certain things mattered more than they did—but mostly because that's what I needed in the moment. I treated her like a remedy, not a person.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Someone has to destroy and re-create the documents. Someone knows. Someone remembers. Everyone thinks "poor kid." Everyone thinks "Thank God that's not me." But you know what? I'm okay being me. No matter how bad it's been for me, it's been worse for someone else. [...] The people who suffer tragedy and go on to greatness? They're the stuff of movies and TV shows and books, and—only very rarely—real life. Most of us just go on, the walking wounded, dealing with our lives. This doesn't make us bad—it just means we're not superheroes. It means we're just people, like everyone else. But I'll bite. I'll play.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“People have been telling me that "time heals all wounds" my entire life. I never really believed them—scabs and scars form, I figured, but I didn't imagine that the wounds themselves ever truly healed. They just lurk beneath the new surface, as raw and as sensitive as the day they were made. They're just not visible any longer. They're just not exposed. I'm still not ready to believe time heals wounds, but I think maybe something else does. We heal wounds. Not time. Us.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I don't know." But I do know. Because I was four. Because I understood I'd done something very, very bad. I knew it made people upset and angry. So it was easier to pretend I didn't remember doing it. The kind of logic only a four-year-old can appreciate, the kind of logic I stumble to explain to her. [...] "I hate you!" Her arms locked at her sides, fists clenched, eyes screwed tightly shut, she screams it at the top of her voice. "Are you happy now? Is that what you want to hear? I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU! You killed her! You murdered my little baby girl! I hate you, Sebastian—God, I fucking hate you!" [...] "That's okay," I tell her. [...] I say, "I'm sorry." [...] "Mom, I have to talk about it. I have to, okay? I can't go on like this. I've been—" *thinking of killing myself* is the end of that sentence, but not something I can say to her. Not yet. Not even now. "I've been so sad," I say instead.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Why couldn't we be one of those families? Why do we have to be us? "I just want something normal," I tell him. "I just want to feel normal." [...] "I can't stop you from killing yourself. If that's what you truly want, no one can stop you. I can't be around twenty-four hours a day, looking after you. But if that's what you want, don't you think you owe it to your mother to talk to her first?”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I said, "I don't want you to go." And he said, "I don't want to go either." And I couldn't understand it. If he didn't want to go, then why was he going? Couldn't he just not go, then? [...] I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him. Tired of me. I want it over. I can end it. It's my choice; I'm in control. It's always been my choice, and I've always been in control. [...] "Do it, then!" my father cried, and the voice inside me shouted it at the same time. And I can't. I can only do it by accident. And the gun falls from my numb fingers and I collapse, weeping, into my father's arms.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I can't take it anymore. I thought maybe there would be one last conversation, but I can't take it. [...] I've thought of it often, over the years, obsessing over it, designing it in my imagination over and over, tweaking and revising [...]”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“The abrasion is good. It reminds me I'm alive, that I haven't done it yet, that it still needs to be done. If only it were raining. It would be the perfect night. It'll have to do. [...] I turn off the phone. I feel light. Effortless. Gravity has no hold on me. I'm going to do it. I'm really going to do it. The last thing I'll do. I'll do what I need to do. And then I'll put the barrel in my mouth and angle it up so that the bullet is sure to go through my brain and I'll pull the trigger and at last it will all be over. There's nothing to stop me. I'm amazed. There's absolutely nothing to stop me.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I'm beneath notice. As it should be. [...] then I'm gone as if I've never been here. And soon, it will be as though I never were. I am going to join Lola in the memory hole. It is my proper place. It is where I deserve to be consigned. [...] Once she forgets me, maybe then she can remember. And that, more than anything, will count as me doing something productive.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I remember. I've always remembered. There hasn't been a moment of my life when I haven't remembered. And it hasn't helped at all. Which means nothing will ever help. Which means I'll never get over it. Never never never. Which means there's only one thing to do. I've known it all along. One thing and it's an easy thing, so easy, and I'm so angry at myself for waiting so long. I should have done it years ago. I never should have met Aneesa. I never should have met Evan. I should have been dead so long ago. [...] the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it's almost over. Almost. So close.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I remember. I've always remembered. There hasn't been a moment of my life when I haven't remembered. And it hasn't helped at all. Which means nothing will ever help. Which means I'll never get over it. Never never never. Which means there's only one thing to do. I've known it all along. One thing and it's an easy thing, so easy, and I'm so angry at myself for waiting so long. I should have done it years ago. I never should have met Aneesa. I never should have met Evan. I should have been dead so long ago.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“I was a child. It was an accident. It wasn't my fault. *Why is there so much red?* Not understanding. But I understand now. I'm told. *Where's Lola????* But I've never told. I was four years old. *WHY IS THERE SO MUCH RED? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH RED?*”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“[...] I know it doesn't matter what I've promised because I will not live to have the conversation in the first place. I'm so good at pretending. I'm a liar. I've lied to everyone. To every person in my life, to everyone I know. I've never told the truth. I've lied to them all. [...] Everyone keeps saying that if I could remember, it would help. That's what they've said all along. And the thing is this: I remember doing it. I remember every single bit of it.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang

“Does this happen to you a lot?" I think of vomiting at Mom's bringing up Lola. Of the rage that picked me up when Mark said "Jihadi Jane." The time that vanished when I read the YouTube comments. And other times in my past. Times when I go away, but I'm still here.”
― Barry Lyga, Bang