Mervyn vs. Dennis Quotes

“Excuses: always carry one. Never leave home without one. Especially when a racist hypochondriac keeps asking you to lunch.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“His palm was so clammy and hot, it was like shaking an armpit.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“It wasn't failure that crushed me, but hope—the daydreams that slowly became expectations.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“I don't hate you because I love you, I hate you because you're a racist hypochondriac with Narcissistic personality disorder.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“People like him had these weird thick skins. You insult them to their face and it whistles past their ears. They take irony as compliments and barely even notice your wittiest retorts. When”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“He thought his jokes were harmless, those little sips of poison. Even if they were, nobody found them funny—even him deep down. All they really did, for a few sad seconds, was make a world in need of warmth an even colder place.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“You've got to read between the euphemisms. 'Well-written' means 'pretentious' and 'highly original' means 'unnecessarily strange.'" "You think?" "Look at this one. 'I didn't feel drawn to the characters' means 'your dialogue is awful' and 'I couldn't engage with the story' means 'I was bored from the very first line.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“He was holding out his hand. What the hell was I going to do? I couldn't get out of it this time. And here we have our next lot, the soul of Mervyn Kirby. An exquisite one this. A few cracks here and there but in excellent condition. So who'll start the bidding? "I have dermatitis," I blurted. He took a step closer. "That's not contagious." My back against the door, I fumbled for the handle. "A swan just died of bird flu in Fife. If we're not careful, we could be next." "You're eccentric." He was coming straight for me, hand extended. "I like that." "Think of the children, Dennis. Think of the swans.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“A melting pot, they call it. A sick bucket, more like. We”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“I bit my tongue. Was this how Nazi Europe started? People being too polite?”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“His breath was rancid coleslaw, rotting in the sun.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“We returned to our food, chewing through the awkwardness. My”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“While he could solve equations just by frowning for a while, I still counted on my fingers when working out the date. While”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“he hiked up the prices to lure in the yuppies and rich alcoholics. But the yuppies were all round the corner inhaling martinis and gawping at art while the rich alcoholics were away in Narnia with the rest of the mythical creatures. Paisley,”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“You really think they'd be so overwhelmed by your middle-aged machismo that they'd tear off their jeans, leapfrog the bar and try to spit-roast you right here? All this homophobic stuff, it's a weird form of vanity." "Don't you dare call me a homophobe. This is the friendliest gay-friendly non-gaybar in town.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“And so we pandered to people who set off our gaydar. We got them served first and doubled their measures and let them keep buying way after last orders. No matter how much it dismayed me, somehow his homophobia had made the world a better place.”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis

“People like him were like genital warts: if you ignore them, they don't go away. So”
― Niels Saunders, Mervyn vs. Dennis