Columbus Day Quotes

“I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“You want to have fun causing trouble? Go online and start a credible rumor that Justin Beiber is going to play Darth Vader in the next Star Wars movie.” I suggested.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Part of being super smart is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and let the other guy talk.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“But you’re not that smart, I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.” “Vist- that was a long time ago!” “It’s still an insult to computers across the galaxy.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Here's a simple test to tell whether a guy wants to get together with a girl: Step One- does he have a pulse? Step Two- is he conscious?”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“At my level, the laws of physics are more like suggestions. And”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“I was surprised that peacekeeping involved killing so many people, but it is what it is.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“When things change, even radically, you look at your buddies, shake your head, shrug, and adapt. That's what you do, as soldiers. Civilians get upset when the menu changes at Applebees.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“It's sort of a hobby. I tried collecting stamps, but messing with the universe is so much more relaxing.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“an old formula; you find the worst psychopathic antisocial losers in a society, give them power, and they would give you their complete, unquestioning loyalty. That was how Hitler and Stalin had come to power. That”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“You must be sentient in there, because nobody would program a computer to be such an asshole.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Valdez said "hey, you hear the one about the Scottish guy? He's sitting at a bar, drowning his sorrows in whisky." "Everybody got a good grip on it?" I asked. "Lift with your legs, not your back." Cornpone snorted. "Damn, Bish, you sound like my mother. We got this." "So he says to the bartender," Valdez grunted with the effort, "he says, so, you build thirty houses, and when you walk down the street, do people say 'there goes MacDougal, the home builder? No, they don't'." We got the wall up on top of our knees, and I told the team to get under it, and lift it to our shoulders. The extra gravity was killing me. "Then he says 'you save five children from a burning building, and when you walk down the street, do people say there goes MacDougal, the rescuer’? No, they don't." "Valdez, will you shut up a minute? All right, people, lift!" I said in my best US Army voice of authority. We got that bitch of a wall unit up above our shoulders, and were winning the fight against gravity, when Valdez gasped "'Then MacDougal says, ‘but you fuck one sheep’-.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Not that you're bragging or anything." "No, I'm very modest. Astonishingly modest, considering how awesome I am." "Oh, for sure, your awesome modesty is your most impressive trait." I rolled my eyes at that. "It's amazing how humble you are." "Yup. I'm very proud of my humbleness.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Here's a simple test to tell whether a guy wants to get together with a girl: Step One- does he have a pulse? Step Two- is he conscious? There is no need for a step three.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“I am Gunnery Sergeant Cragen, of the United States Marine Corps.” Cragen paused as shouts of 'Oorah' and ‘Semper Fi’ rang out from the crowd. “I am relieved to hear that we have a few qualified riflemen among us. Since the rest of you are Army, I’ll try to talk slowly, so you can understand.” The other Marines laughed at that remark”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“even the simplest technology has you staring slack-jawed in wonder at it, until the drool runs down your chin. Hell, if I gave you a jump drive, you’d probably just worship it, so”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“there are plenty of your species who lack the ability to process new facts and adapt, but with humans those are mostly old people, their brains no longer are able to process new information. Or they're just lazy. But”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Barney, the big purple cartoon dinosaur with the perpetual stupid grin. Barney, and Smurfs, Mickey Mouse, unicorns, and a lot of other fictional characters were painted on the truck. Whoever decided which characters to paint on the truck had made interesting choices, like, why was Iron Man waving to the Smurfs?”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“And, uh, I'll need to find a charger," I said weakly. "No need," Skippy said, "I'm keeping it charged." "How?" I asked. He'd never said anything about that before. "Unicorns and fairy dust.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“And little girls want Santa to bring them a pony for Christmas.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“For my part, I kept his secret, and worried on my own that someday Skippy would lock up, or blue screen, or go dormant, or whatever”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“an old formula; you find the worst psychopathic antisocial losers in a society, give them power, and they would give you their complete, unquestioning loyalty. That was how Hitler and Stalin had come to power.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“You did a lot of things right, but-" "Yeah, you fuck one sheep.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“In a way, UNEF's mission was to SAVE THE WORLD. Those all caps were intentional, by the way, it looks more dramatic that way.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“He tapped a finger twice on his desk for emphasis, with a clicking sound. What the gesture did for me, was make me think the guy needed to trim his fingernails.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Hearts and minds?” That was the Army term for attempts to get the civilian population to cooperate with us, or at least not actively resist us. It had started in Vietnam, and continued in various forms and terminology in Iraq, Afghanistan, Nigeria and pretty much every place the US of A had gotten involved.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“There was a muffled sound like a really long, high-pitched fart, then the moaning started. "Is that, bagpipes? WTF?" Cornpone exclaimed. "Yeah, there's a British battalion on the other side of the camp.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“said slowly and loud, which is always the best way for foreigners to understand.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“I didn't have to imagine that scenario, since I'd already seen that in the movie Red Dawn. The good one made way back when Reagan was in office, not the crappy one they made later.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day