Service Included Quotes

“Our restaurant fostered a sense of camaraderie in a number of ways besides sharing the same nickname of 'chef.' Initially, we bonded through training. Once we opened, we worked in teams each night, meaning that we not only knew our colleagues well, we depended on them. Most importantly, we all had 'family meal' together every night, just like President Bush recommended to all families so that their children would have good values and grow up to be gun-toting, pro-life, pro-death, gas-guzzling, warmongering, monolingual, homophobic, wiretapped, Bible-thumping, genetically engineered, stem-cell harboring, abstinent creationists. Oops, I think I just lost all of my red state readers. To make up for it, I'll let you lose my ballot.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“I had a reputation of being merciless at times. After a particularly busy night working with me, one of the newer backservers nursed his wounds over a beer and complained that I had ridden him hard. After that, I tried to take it easy on Seabiscuit, as we subsequently called him. When he worked hard and fast, I called him Bisquick.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“Cafés overflowed anytime but early mornings, for there were few commuters in the neighborhood at that time. After noon, the self-employed, or unemployed, hipsters set up their laptops, soy milk lattes by their side, and proceeded to create ironic and subversive works of art, pausing every so often to brood.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“I hear you're a writer,' said 2040..."What are you writing about?'

Not liking to discuss my writing with strangers, I had been privately auditioning possible conversation stoppers, but I didn't think that I would ever have the nerve to use one. But now, in the most awkward of situations, it seemed appropriate.

'Actually, I'm writing a biography,' I responded casually. 'About a man in Alaska who makes foie gras from penguins.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“Who are you?' Andre demanded when I refused an ice-cream cone a few weeks later. 'The woman I fell in love with never said no to ice cream.'

'The woman you fell in love with could also stand to lose a few pounds.'

'Are you kidding? My prenup is going to have a weight minimum. You lose a pound, I dock you.'

Yup, this one was worth fighting for.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“My greatest rewards from women have been kisses on the cheek, a whispered thank-you for helping them manage their mothers-in-law, and even an invitation to tea.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“In order to understand the sequence of VIP canapés, we were taught a little etymology 101. At the French Laundry and Per Se, the whole range of amuse-bouches (literally translating to 'mouth amusers'), from soups to blini, is referred to as canapés. This is, however, not technically accurate. The word canapé comes from the French word for couch, and actually refers to the specific practice of resting a savory topping on a piece of toast or cracker like Mr. Bichalot's slippered feet on his chaise lounge, only infinitely more savory.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“Toward the end of that session at the Hudson, our instructor split us into two long lines and took out a bouquet of multicolored feathers.

'I would normally give the feathers to the ladies,' she explained as she passed them out, 'but we will have to make do.' Out of fifty or so front-of-the-house employees present, there were maybe six or seven women.

'The point of this dance is to think about giving and receiving,' she said, pressing play on her tiny boom box. A slow and stately march started playing through tinny speakers, a march to which we learned a simple dance: stepping up to our partner to give him the feather, stepping back to a bow, taking his hand, turning around, receiving the feather again, and stepping back to the line.

'Are you starting to feel each other's sense of space?' she called out. Someone sneezed.

As the dance went on, we grew more comfortable with one another, fighting and roughhousing over the props.

'I've been defeathered!'

'Giveth the feather backeth or I will have to unsheathe my sword!”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“... to me, a restaurant with no menu, headed by a chef I trusted, would be ideal. In such a utopia, guests could specify deathly allergies, hunger level, and time constraints, but then they would unfurl their napkin and surrender".”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“But reading the note made me lonely in that kind of way one is lonely in a city of eight million people, when an empty connection is worse than being alone.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“When I lovingly prepare breakfast for my future children, I'd at least like to know that I served them Monsanto-engineered cornflakes with rBGH-infused milk, diazinon-sprayed strawberries, and irradiated bananas.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“Per Se had no cameras in the dining room, and the chefs had to rely on my observations and the truth of a clean plate. God help the captain or runner who returned to the kitchen holding a plate with food left over and could not give a satisfying explanation as to why it was not finished.”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter

“a diner’s bill of rights • The right to have your reservation honored The right to water The right to the food you ordered at the temperature the chef intended The right to a clean, working bathroom The right to clean flatware, glassware, china, linen, tables, and napkins The right to enough light to read your menu The right to hear your dining companions when they speak The right to be served until the restaurant’s advertised closing time The right to stay at your table as long as you like The right to salt and pepper”
― Phoebe Damrosch, Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter