The Power of the Other Quotes

“Self-control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends upon it. You cannot get better if it’s not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“I’m continually amazed at how even extremely high performers’ lives are often still controlled in some way by their family-of-origin or in-law relationships. I wish we had some cosmic algorithm that actually revealed how much lost performance comes from people having to continually negotiate the intrusion of family-of-origin conditioning and interference into their businesses, careers, marriages, parenting styles, life choices, and the like. It literally becomes crippling to even some of the most talented people out there. In these situations, even if the adult umbilical cord is providing food, it’s charging exorbitant rent.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“You can’t master people, but you can become a master at choosing and dealing with people.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“People who are committed to mastery don’t freak out (as much) when they hit an obstacle. They reassess and then get going again, thinking they can get better.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Great Corner Four relationships push us upward at all times. They will not let us stay where we are, lest we plateau, get bored, disengage, or go looking for another relationship that keeps us awake (say, in Corner Three). As I described earlier, humans are connection-seeking systems, but arousal-seeking ones, as well. If we get bored and disengaged, we can’t help but search for something to reenergize us, even if the stimulant comes in the form of an illicit affair or other risk-taking behavior.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“My deepest desire is to give you as much freedom as you want. I have no plans to control you on some short leash. In fact, I want the opposite. I want you to be in control of yourself and have as much freedom as you can. So here is how it works. It’s a formula. The amount of freedom that you will have will be equal to the amount of responsibility that you take when you have it, and that responsibility should be measured by love. The choices you make, that you will be responsible for, are to be loving. They must be good for others and for yourself. Your choices should not hurt anyone in any way—you or anyone else. That is your guide to responsibility. If you are responsible in that way, guided by love, you will get more and more freedom. As much as you want, as long as you follow the formula: freedom = responsibility = love.

“If you are not responsible with the freedom that I give you, if you do things that are not good for yourself or others, things that are not loving, then your freedom will be limited to that same degree. It is totally up to you how much freedom you will get in the teen years. Show me that you can be responsible with it, and you will get it. That will make my life and yours a lot of fun!”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“I learned that structure allows us to invest in the things that are important to us but don’t exist inside of us yet. There are plenty of other existing tasks, challenges, and crises that threaten to derail us, but for the things we want to build—for those getting-better goals we want to achieve—we have to create a space and a routine for bringing them into existence.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Love does not begin with oneself. Love begins by receiving love, internalizing it, and then giving it away to others—paying it forward.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Empty people can’t love others very selflessly. They’re operating out of a vacuum of insecurities and needs. You’ve seen what happens when someone who has never had a warm, giving relationship enters into marriage, where those skills are required. It doesn’t work, and just telling them to “love themselves first” won’t work either.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“It does “take a village” to grow a person, and to sustain one.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Psychologists call this the “need-fear” dilemma. We fear the vulnerability that it takes to embrace our needs, so they go unmet. The more we need things from people, the scarier it gets to ask for what we need. We try to manage this need in other ways, hanging out in the first three corners, which bring no good outcomes and just reinforce limits. Try as we may to hold our breath longer, eventually we will be gasping for relational air. The need does not go away. It only grows, and as it does, so does the fear of being even more vulnerable.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“What is the one-sentence summary of how you change the world? Always work hard on something uncomfortably exciting” (Larry Page, University of Michigan Commencement Address, May 2009).”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“when someone needs approval, there’s less to approve of.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“getting better is not about just ‘willing’ better performance. It’s about becoming someone who performs better, and performs differently.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“your own performance is either improved or diminished by the other people in your scenario.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Nice guys do not finish last, and jerks do not finish first. Great performers finish first, and if they are great and good people, they do even better.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“there are two ingredients essential for breaking out of the cycle of decline: new sources of energy and intelligence.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Research into brain circuitry shows that new capacities grow when we have to grapple with a problem ourselves instead of hearing someone tell us how to fix it or watching someone fix it for us. We remember about 10 to 20 percent of what we read or hear or see, but 80 percent of what we experience in such a learning process. When someone provides feedback that leaves us in shape to grapple with the problem ourselves, we learn.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“You are not afraid of problems or “problem people,” so you can’t, nor should you try to, avoid all negativity. Embrace it and, as much as you are able to influence change, inject a positive influence. Be a change agent, if possible.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Ask many people about their greatest accomplishments and challenges overcome, and you will find one thing in common: there was someone on the other end who made it possible. Both your best and worst seasons were not just about the market or the business cycle, or even your own skills. Your best and worst seasons were also about who was in that season with you.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“To be sure, temperament and genetics explain some of Nicklaus’s tremendous achievement, but as we know both from research and from his own story, it was also through his relationship to his father, Charlie Nicklaus, that he developed a sense of ownership and accountability. When Jack said, “Dad, it’s my game,” that comment came out of their Corner Four relationship, in which his father was his fuel and his support. But his father also respected Jack’s sense of ownership and self-control. Charlie Nicklaus supported him from the days of playing junior golf up until the pros. He encouraged him, provided a coach for him, and gave him input, discipline, and much more. But he also gave him something huge that all Corner Four relationships give us: autonomy and responsibility. The balance between support and autonomy were there all along. As a psychologist, I can tell you that this balance helped develop the self-control that hit that 1-iron and helped him own the results he got in every other tournament he played.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“The combination of the big goal and the little steps, empowered by relationship and accountability, got me there.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“People with this orientation ask for help more than the be-gooders, because asking for help proves to be-gooders that they’re not as good or smart as they want to be, and others might see that as well. I remember almost having to convince my dad that he was wrong, I was not a climber, it was going to be hard, and I needed some help.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“When we head out of our comfort zone, we need improvement-oriented supporters in our corner.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Good coaches have been doing this for ages. Now we know from brain science why. Our neural wiring and circuitry are built in the context of encouragement and positive emotions. Research on goal setting offers a number of important lessons when it comes to building Corner Four challenges. We know, for instance, that the goals we set for ourselves and others must be challenging enough to activate our energy and our brains, but they also must be realistic and achievable.
It’s also important that the difficulties of achieving these goals be spelled out and addressed. Blind positive thinking, the research shows us, does not work, because when obliviously positive thinkers encounter difficulties, they get discouraged and bottom out. Corner Four people not only help us believe that we can get there, but they also help us see that it is really, really going to be a lot of work, with lots of obstacles. They make the difficulty normal. They will be there to cheer us on, but they will also be there to talk us through difficult patches.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“The program taught him a new way to think: to have, as he put it, a “healthy disregard for the impossible.” The teachers and coaches he met through that program encouraged him to pursue his dreams, as big as they might become, which he certainly did.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“In my work with clients, I like to use a term I call the growth-structure quotient. It’s a synonym for the right dosage, which is the number that’s not working plus one. For instance, if I have decided to meet with my writing mentor every two weeks but I’m not getting my homework done right, I add another meeting or interaction to the formula. Instead of meeting every two weeks, now we’ll meet every week. If that still doesn’t work, then we need to meet even more frequently. It needs to be often enough to help positive patterns form but not so often that the walls of the new internal structure don’t have enough time to solidify. I have to have some time to work on it in between.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

“Job satisfaction depends on more than financial compensation. After financial needs are met, people seek out positions that offer other things, one of which is the chance to develop new skills and stretch toward higher positions of challenge and growth. They want to grow.”
― Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it