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The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it
An expert on the psychology of leadership and bestselling author of Integrity, Necessary Endings, and Boundaries For Leaders identifies the critical ingredient for personal and professional wellbeing.
Most leadership coaching focuses on helping leaders build their skills and knowledge and close performance gaps. These are necessary, but not sufficient. Using evidence from from neuroscience and his work with leaders, Dr. Cloud shows that the best performers draw on another vital resource: personal and professional relationships that fuel growth and help them surpass current limits.
Popular wisdom suggests that we should not allow others to have power over us, but the reality is that they do, for better or for worse. Consider the boss who diminishes you through cutting remarks versus one who challenges you to get better. Or the colleague who always seeks the limelight versus the one who gives you the confidence to finish a difficult project. Or the spouse who is honest and supportive versus the one who resents your success. No matter how talented, intelligent, or experienced, the greatest leaders share one commonality: the power of the others in their lives.
Combining engaging case studies, persuasive findings from cutting-edge brain research, and examples from his consulting practice, Cloud argues that whether you’re a Navy SEAL or a corporate executive, outstanding performance depends on having the right kind of connections to fuel personal growth and minimize toxic associations and their effects. Presenting a dynamic model of the impact these different kinds of connections produce, Cloud shows readers how to get more from themselves by drawing on the strength and expertise of others. You don’t have a choice whether or not others have power in your life, but you can choose what kinds of relationships you want.
Most leadership coaching focuses on helping leaders build their skills and knowledge and close performance gaps. These are necessary, but not sufficient. Using evidence from from neuroscience and his work with leaders, Dr. Cloud shows that the best performers draw on another vital resource: personal and professional relationships that fuel growth and help them surpass current limits.
Popular wisdom suggests that we should not allow others to have power over us, but the reality is that they do, for better or for worse. Consider the boss who diminishes you through cutting remarks versus one who challenges you to get better. Or the colleague who always seeks the limelight versus the one who gives you the confidence to finish a difficult project. Or the spouse who is honest and supportive versus the one who resents your success. No matter how talented, intelligent, or experienced, the greatest leaders share one commonality: the power of the others in their lives.
Combining engaging case studies, persuasive findings from cutting-edge brain research, and examples from his consulting practice, Cloud argues that whether you’re a Navy SEAL or a corporate executive, outstanding performance depends on having the right kind of connections to fuel personal growth and minimize toxic associations and their effects. Presenting a dynamic model of the impact these different kinds of connections produce, Cloud shows readers how to get more from themselves by drawing on the strength and expertise of others. You don’t have a choice whether or not others have power in your life, but you can choose what kinds of relationships you want.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published May 3, 2016
741 people are currently reading
5909 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
210 books2,168 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 236 reviews
May 29, 2021
Well, the author tried to go into energy relationship research, thought didn't quite fo that far in order not to sound too new-Agey. Still, a bright read.
Q:
The relationship must provide very specific functions and very specific energy; it must deliver very specific constructive experiences and encode very specific information within the brains of those in the relationship. The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success. (c)
Q:
getting better is not about just ‘willing’ better performance. It’s about becoming someone who performs better, and performs differently. It’s about changing the equipment.” (c)
Q:
Jack Welch is known for injecting this learning energy into GE. I interviewed him once at Leadercast and asked him about this. He said that he spent more than half his time at GE teaching leadership! (c) J.Welch? GE? Ahem... Was this supposed to be a success story?
Q:
“I want him to connect with me more,” she said. “I don’t feel that connected to him.”
“That’s not good,” I said. “What have you done about it?”“I told him.”
“Told him what?”
“I told him I wanted him to connect with me more.”
“You did what? You actually said that to a guy? That you wanted him to ‘connect more’?”
...
The problem is that when someone is not doing something, it’s probably because they don’t know how. So to just tell them about the result you want doesn’t help them. What if you said, ‘I’d like it if after work we could get together a few evenings a week and take a walk . . . undistracted, and just catch up and share what happened during the day, or how each other is doing.’ I bet if he cares he’d say, ‘Sure, I’d love to.’” (с)
Q:
Q:
The relationship must provide very specific functions and very specific energy; it must deliver very specific constructive experiences and encode very specific information within the brains of those in the relationship. The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success. (c)
Q:
getting better is not about just ‘willing’ better performance. It’s about becoming someone who performs better, and performs differently. It’s about changing the equipment.” (c)
Q:
Jack Welch is known for injecting this learning energy into GE. I interviewed him once at Leadercast and asked him about this. He said that he spent more than half his time at GE teaching leadership! (c) J.Welch? GE? Ahem... Was this supposed to be a success story?
Q:
“I want him to connect with me more,” she said. “I don’t feel that connected to him.”
“That’s not good,” I said. “What have you done about it?”“I told him.”
“Told him what?”
“I told him I wanted him to connect with me more.”
“You did what? You actually said that to a guy? That you wanted him to ‘connect more’?”
...
The problem is that when someone is not doing something, it’s probably because they don’t know how. So to just tell them about the result you want doesn’t help them. What if you said, ‘I’d like it if after work we could get together a few evenings a week and take a walk . . . undistracted, and just catch up and share what happened during the day, or how each other is doing.’ I bet if he cares he’d say, ‘Sure, I’d love to.’” (с)
Q:
May 1, 2016
Dr Cloud starts off this book with a powerful story. One man is near completion of his "SEAL training. However, he's in danger of failing one test; he's about ready to give up. But first, he sees a fellow SEAL, standing on shore. His comrade gives him "a huge fist pump and yell." At this point, "Something happened. Something beyond him. His body jumped into another gear, into another dimension of performance that he had not had access to before." The man went on to complete the SEAL course. This powerful effect is what Dr. Cloud calls the "Power of the Other."
Here is the point Dr. Cloud is making: The action that another person takes has PROFOUND impact on us. It's not just some sentimental feeling--it's a REAL impact. As an example, the author notes how oftentimes one person at work, say a boss, can destroy the culture of a team. On the other hand, sometimes just interacting with a single person can upright a disastrous situation.
So, other have incredible power to influence you; the question, how will you deal with this? "How you manger this power is the difference between winning and losing." And, "Relationship affects life and performance. Period."
Most "success" or performance books are all focused on what YOU can accomplish; not much emphasis is on the impact of others. The author points out that this is a huge blunder: "Performance is either improved or dimished by the other people in your scenario."
The doctor explains that it's the QUALITY of relationships that matter. He homes in on those close relationships he calls "Corner 4." These are deep, trusting relationships with others. A real connection is "One is which you can be your whole self the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion." Dr. Cloud relates an experience in his own life, facing business failure, when he tapped into one of his close connections. The doctor was soon energized, both physically and mentally by this connection.
Getting extra energy from these bonds is real--it's not just some good feeling: "We can feel how our physical and mental energy shifts when we form a connection with someone."
All in all, I found THE POWER OF THE OTHER to be a wonderful book, full of important ideas. This is not a simple book to apprehend; plan to spend some time aborbing these ideas--they are important.
Advane copy for review courtesy of Edelweiss Book Distributors.
Here is the point Dr. Cloud is making: The action that another person takes has PROFOUND impact on us. It's not just some sentimental feeling--it's a REAL impact. As an example, the author notes how oftentimes one person at work, say a boss, can destroy the culture of a team. On the other hand, sometimes just interacting with a single person can upright a disastrous situation.
So, other have incredible power to influence you; the question, how will you deal with this? "How you manger this power is the difference between winning and losing." And, "Relationship affects life and performance. Period."
Most "success" or performance books are all focused on what YOU can accomplish; not much emphasis is on the impact of others. The author points out that this is a huge blunder: "Performance is either improved or dimished by the other people in your scenario."
The doctor explains that it's the QUALITY of relationships that matter. He homes in on those close relationships he calls "Corner 4." These are deep, trusting relationships with others. A real connection is "One is which you can be your whole self the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion." Dr. Cloud relates an experience in his own life, facing business failure, when he tapped into one of his close connections. The doctor was soon energized, both physically and mentally by this connection.
Getting extra energy from these bonds is real--it's not just some good feeling: "We can feel how our physical and mental energy shifts when we form a connection with someone."
All in all, I found THE POWER OF THE OTHER to be a wonderful book, full of important ideas. This is not a simple book to apprehend; plan to spend some time aborbing these ideas--they are important.
Advane copy for review courtesy of Edelweiss Book Distributors.
November 20, 2021
3.5 stars...I had to remove the cover from this book given the "bedroom" reference made it somewhat inappropriate to read at work; the bedroom and boardroom should never be mentioned together. I feel it was an omen to the author's desire to lure in readership as he self promoted his other books relentlessly. As for the material, there were some great points made for new and experienced managers and leaders. This book forces leaders to accept their current corner and challenges all to work towards Corner 4.
April 1, 2018
2.5 Stars
I expected a little more from this book because it isn't groundbreaking news that other people have an effect on each other. I mean, it all seems a little obvious. Maybe I was expecting some deep psychology here, but I was a little disappointed. Dr. Cloud does make some good distinctions on the kinds of connections that move us forward or don't. He makes distinctions between 4 types of connections:
Corner 1 - Disconnected: No connection
Corner 2- Bad connection: Those connections that make us feel like we don't measure up in some way. Often, we settle for a bad connection rather than no connection at all.
Corner 3- This is the seductively false connection. It feels good, but isn't true connection.
Corner 4- This is the type of connection where people are fully invested, present, known, and understood. Obviously, we all want to strive for Corner 4.
Okay, so avoid Corners 1-3. Find Corner 4 People. End book.
Although I found that this book is geared more to the world of business, making good connections in any arena of life helps us to be the best versions of ourselves. I just found this book a little more simple than I was expecting. I did appreciate his treatment of triangulation. However, I'm not sure the material presented here needed to be a whole book. It could have been an in-depth magazine article.
I expected a little more from this book because it isn't groundbreaking news that other people have an effect on each other. I mean, it all seems a little obvious. Maybe I was expecting some deep psychology here, but I was a little disappointed. Dr. Cloud does make some good distinctions on the kinds of connections that move us forward or don't. He makes distinctions between 4 types of connections:
Corner 1 - Disconnected: No connection
Corner 2- Bad connection: Those connections that make us feel like we don't measure up in some way. Often, we settle for a bad connection rather than no connection at all.
Corner 3- This is the seductively false connection. It feels good, but isn't true connection.
Corner 4- This is the type of connection where people are fully invested, present, known, and understood. Obviously, we all want to strive for Corner 4.
Okay, so avoid Corners 1-3. Find Corner 4 People. End book.
Although I found that this book is geared more to the world of business, making good connections in any arena of life helps us to be the best versions of ourselves. I just found this book a little more simple than I was expecting. I did appreciate his treatment of triangulation. However, I'm not sure the material presented here needed to be a whole book. It could have been an in-depth magazine article.
August 11, 2016
Henry Cloud, The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, from the Boardroom to the Bedroom and Beyond—and What to Do About It (New York: Harper Business, 2016).
Leaders often say, “It’s lonely at the top.” That’s true, of course—at least to an extent—but it’s also tragic. Leadership doesn’t have to be lonely.
In fact, as Dr. Henry Cloud argues in The Power of the Other, success depends on relationship. “The undeniable reality,” he writes, “is that how well you do in life and in business depends not only on what you do and how you do it, your skills and competencies, but also on who is doing it with you or to you” (emphasis in original).
But not just any relationship! What leaders need is “specific qualitiative relational connectedness” (emphasis in original). This is what Cloud calls “True Connection” or “Corner Four relationship.”
In Corner One relationships, leaders feel “disconnected.” He writes: “True connection always means being emotionally and functionally invested in other people, in a give-and-receive dynamic. Disconnection lacks something, in one direction or the other—either in the giving or the receiving. Truly connected people do both. They are emotionally present and able to give and to receive.”
In Corner Two relationships, leaders have “a bad connection.” They experience a “connection, preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or ‘not good enough’ in some way” (emphasis in original). Think of a son trying to gain the respect of a hypercritical dad or an employee trying to please a boss who rarely praises employees.
In Corner Three relationships, leaders form a “seductively false ‘good connection.’” In this corner, leaders gravitate toward relationships that make them feel good. They cultivate people who flatter and praise them but overlook people in the organization who bear bad news. People in high-stress jobs who live in Corner Three often find themselves engaging in extramarital affairs or using addictive substances to maintain an artificial “high.”
None of these corners is a good place to be. Leaders need to go to Corner Four. Here, leaders form a “real connection” with others, “one in which you can be your whole self, the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion. Both parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs can be shared safely.”
In contemporary parlance, authenticity is often interpreted in non-relational terms. “I gotta be me!” people exclaim. The problem is that this understanding of authenticity is individualistic, not relational. “I gotta be me” is often used to slough off or criticize the counsel others are trying to give us. That’s not what Corner Four looks like.
Instead, Cloud identifies eight characteristics of Corner Four relationships. True connection:
fuels,
gives freedom,
requires responsibility,
defangs failure,
challenges and pushes,
builds structure,
unites instead of divides,
and is trustworthy.
When we truly connect with others, they help us draw out the full potential of who we really are and what we can truly be. Relationship makes authenticity possible.
Cloud opens the book with a story that I’ll close with. It’s about “Hell Week,” the final week of training for Navy SEALs. That week is “a grueling exercise requiring the utmost physical and mental endurance, pushing these already-at-the-top specimens to their absolute limits.” Cloud’s brother-in-law Mark was a Navy SEAL who was later killed in Iraq. In the days after Mark’s death, Bryce, one of Mark’s fellow SEALs told, how he almost failed “Hell Week.”
He was swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean after a week of grueling training. A way from the shore, he “hit the wall.” Cloud comments, “He tried to will himself to keep going, but his body would not obey.” It was at that moment that Bryce looked up and saw Mark, who had already reached land. Mark caught his eye, gave him a fist pump, and yelled an encouraging, “You can do it!” And that was all Bryce needed. “His body jumped into another gear,” Cloud writes, “into another dimension of performance that he had not had access to before…That is the ‘power of the other.’”
To be one’s true self, to reach one’s full potential—whether as a leader, a spouse, a parent, or whatever—you and I need others. Authenticity requires relationship. That’s what The Power of the Other is all about.
I recommend the book highly.
_____
P.S. This review first appeared at InfluenceMagazine.com.
P.S. If you found my review helpful, please vote “Yes” on my Amazon review page.
Leaders often say, “It’s lonely at the top.” That’s true, of course—at least to an extent—but it’s also tragic. Leadership doesn’t have to be lonely.
In fact, as Dr. Henry Cloud argues in The Power of the Other, success depends on relationship. “The undeniable reality,” he writes, “is that how well you do in life and in business depends not only on what you do and how you do it, your skills and competencies, but also on who is doing it with you or to you” (emphasis in original).
But not just any relationship! What leaders need is “specific qualitiative relational connectedness” (emphasis in original). This is what Cloud calls “True Connection” or “Corner Four relationship.”
In Corner One relationships, leaders feel “disconnected.” He writes: “True connection always means being emotionally and functionally invested in other people, in a give-and-receive dynamic. Disconnection lacks something, in one direction or the other—either in the giving or the receiving. Truly connected people do both. They are emotionally present and able to give and to receive.”
In Corner Two relationships, leaders have “a bad connection.” They experience a “connection, preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or ‘not good enough’ in some way” (emphasis in original). Think of a son trying to gain the respect of a hypercritical dad or an employee trying to please a boss who rarely praises employees.
In Corner Three relationships, leaders form a “seductively false ‘good connection.’” In this corner, leaders gravitate toward relationships that make them feel good. They cultivate people who flatter and praise them but overlook people in the organization who bear bad news. People in high-stress jobs who live in Corner Three often find themselves engaging in extramarital affairs or using addictive substances to maintain an artificial “high.”
None of these corners is a good place to be. Leaders need to go to Corner Four. Here, leaders form a “real connection” with others, “one in which you can be your whole self, the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion. Both parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs can be shared safely.”
In contemporary parlance, authenticity is often interpreted in non-relational terms. “I gotta be me!” people exclaim. The problem is that this understanding of authenticity is individualistic, not relational. “I gotta be me” is often used to slough off or criticize the counsel others are trying to give us. That’s not what Corner Four looks like.
Instead, Cloud identifies eight characteristics of Corner Four relationships. True connection:
fuels,
gives freedom,
requires responsibility,
defangs failure,
challenges and pushes,
builds structure,
unites instead of divides,
and is trustworthy.
When we truly connect with others, they help us draw out the full potential of who we really are and what we can truly be. Relationship makes authenticity possible.
Cloud opens the book with a story that I’ll close with. It’s about “Hell Week,” the final week of training for Navy SEALs. That week is “a grueling exercise requiring the utmost physical and mental endurance, pushing these already-at-the-top specimens to their absolute limits.” Cloud’s brother-in-law Mark was a Navy SEAL who was later killed in Iraq. In the days after Mark’s death, Bryce, one of Mark’s fellow SEALs told, how he almost failed “Hell Week.”
He was swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean after a week of grueling training. A way from the shore, he “hit the wall.” Cloud comments, “He tried to will himself to keep going, but his body would not obey.” It was at that moment that Bryce looked up and saw Mark, who had already reached land. Mark caught his eye, gave him a fist pump, and yelled an encouraging, “You can do it!” And that was all Bryce needed. “His body jumped into another gear,” Cloud writes, “into another dimension of performance that he had not had access to before…That is the ‘power of the other.’”
To be one’s true self, to reach one’s full potential—whether as a leader, a spouse, a parent, or whatever—you and I need others. Authenticity requires relationship. That’s what The Power of the Other is all about.
I recommend the book highly.
_____
P.S. This review first appeared at InfluenceMagazine.com.
P.S. If you found my review helpful, please vote “Yes” on my Amazon review page.
February 7, 2017
My office picked this for our business book club and none of us enjoyed it or felt it was worth our time. Just read the subtitle - there, I saved you a few hours.
I did not enjoy this book - I found the advice very obvious (other people have an effect on my life? You're kidding me!) and not very practical. "Corner 4" became the author's catch-all for "all good relationships" without any really actionable advice about the many times in life we're forced to collaborate with people who aren't our best matches - something I'd be much more interested in learning about, since life isn't always perfect and we can't always just fire those who don't work well with us.
I also found subtle signs of sexism throughout the book, which is not something I usually look for. I didn't initially pay attention to the author, but about 50 pages in, I flipped to the front cover and thought "oh, of course, it's a male" because of the many chauvinistic remarks he made about his daughters.
I did not enjoy this book - I found the advice very obvious (other people have an effect on my life? You're kidding me!) and not very practical. "Corner 4" became the author's catch-all for "all good relationships" without any really actionable advice about the many times in life we're forced to collaborate with people who aren't our best matches - something I'd be much more interested in learning about, since life isn't always perfect and we can't always just fire those who don't work well with us.
I also found subtle signs of sexism throughout the book, which is not something I usually look for. I didn't initially pay attention to the author, but about 50 pages in, I flipped to the front cover and thought "oh, of course, it's a male" because of the many chauvinistic remarks he made about his daughters.
February 12, 2018
More memoir than social science. The book lacks facts, statistics, or references to studies. It is full of anecdotes. The description of the book doesn't match up with the content of the book.
June 24, 2025
The Power of the Other hit many points in both relationships and the workplace spot on! There were many situations outlined in the book that I imagined scenarios from personal work experience. I strongly recommend this book to anyone who wants to take their emotional intelligence, social skills, or leadership skills to a higher level.
A few strong discussions you can get out of this book:
‣ Self and other - We can't truly change other people, they have to decide to change themselves.
‣ Help build others up (Giving constructive reality-based feedback with care, honesty, and with a willingness to help someone improve.)
‣ Eliminate triangulation (The negative effects of gossip and drama)
‣ Trust (Build true connections) - Be someone who people can trust. When we feel that people want the best for us, we invest in them. This is the best motive for building up respect, understanding, and motivation in teams.
If you have interest in how you can make a positive impact on others, pick up this book now! I'd also recommend it to leaders looking to make improvements and create a happier existence in the workplace. If a group of people all read this, worked together, and practiced the advice given, all I can think about is how much better and uplifting their environment would be.
A few strong discussions you can get out of this book:
‣ Self and other - We can't truly change other people, they have to decide to change themselves.
‣ Help build others up (Giving constructive reality-based feedback with care, honesty, and with a willingness to help someone improve.)
‣ Eliminate triangulation (The negative effects of gossip and drama)
‣ Trust (Build true connections) - Be someone who people can trust. When we feel that people want the best for us, we invest in them. This is the best motive for building up respect, understanding, and motivation in teams.
If you have interest in how you can make a positive impact on others, pick up this book now! I'd also recommend it to leaders looking to make improvements and create a happier existence in the workplace. If a group of people all read this, worked together, and practiced the advice given, all I can think about is how much better and uplifting their environment would be.
January 5, 2017
It wasn't until I'd read 2/3 of the book that I understood why he was revisiting all this material on how to get along with your team. He hates all the psychological slogans that encourage people to "find the power within," change your life, love yourself, talk to yourself, think positive thoughts, etc. His message is that you need good relationships to succeed in every area of life. You can't do it alone. The books outlines many ways and ideas to foster those supportive, honest relationships. Good material!
July 20, 2016
Much of the conversation about growth is centered on how you as an individual can do better. You can improve your techniques, your thinking, your strategies, your skills, your goals, your communication, etc.
While there is truth to that narrative, this book seeks to makes us more aware that other people have a large impact on our growth and performance. If the needs we have for other people go unrecognized, our growth will be stymied and our performance will be limited. We need to be aware of the kind of relationships and connections we have with other people. To help, Cloud gives a picture of four corners of connection to identify where we’re at.
Corner One: Disconnected
People in Corner One are not emotionally present and are not able to either give or receive in their connections with others.
Many CEOs end up in this corner. They may have been the higher-performing sibling who made up for what others weren’t doing, the family hero, or the caretaker who everyone depends on. They are always performing for others and rarely taking in what they need from the outside world.
To help identify if this fits you ask: Would other people who depend on you say they feel needed, valued, listened to, and taken into your confidence?
Corner Two: Bad Connection
A connection , preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or “not good enough” in some way.
We are made for connection and people unconsciously make the calculation that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.
Someone in this corner may be on back on their heels and defensive, trying to get someone else's approval.
Corner Three: Seductively False “Good Connection”
Seeking something to connect to that feels good to cover up feeling isolated or inadequate. This can take the form of an affair, an addiction, an attachment to promotions, awards, or positive results, even big product launches.
Flattery is one common intoxication of leaders, making the leader dependent on the people he or she is leading.
Fantasy Football, Shopping, golfing, hunting, fishing, and web surfing local sports can be other ways to cover up the stress of work and lack of connection.
Corner Four
A relationship in which both people are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested.
Corner Four people embody these kinds of connection:
-Connection that fuels
-Connection that gives freedom
-Connection that requires responsibility
-Connection that defangs failure and learning
-Connection that challenges and pushes
-Connection that builds structure
-Connection that unites instead of divides
-Connection that is trustworthy
Cloud does not think the self-made man or woman is a reality we should seek after. Many prominent leaders had a mentor of some sort helping them along the way. Leaders who are not afraid to say they need help accomplish the most.
Corner Four relationships empower our sense of ownership and self-control instead of taking away. They do this by providing support, growth, respect, and accountability.
In accountability people need a mixture of positive and negative feedback but positive feedback should greatly exceed negative feedback. There should be somewhere around 6 pieces of positive feedback for every piece of negative feedback.
One danger to Corner Four relationships is what Cloud calls triangulation. When person A should be talking to person B but is talking to person C about B instead. This sort of avoidance of communication creates division.
Cloud identifies 5 ingredients trust should be based on:
-Understanding
-Intent or Motive
-Ability
-Character-beyond things like honesty including is the person: optimistic, passive, in need of validation, compassionate, fun, impulsive, silent, forgiving, etc.
-Track Record
Overall, this is a book I heartily recommend. I’ve read multiple other books by Henry Cloud and none has disappointed. This book shows that we are in need of other people to grow and shows us how to build relationships that facilitate that growth. I recommend it to anyone open to learning how to build those kind of relationships.
While there is truth to that narrative, this book seeks to makes us more aware that other people have a large impact on our growth and performance. If the needs we have for other people go unrecognized, our growth will be stymied and our performance will be limited. We need to be aware of the kind of relationships and connections we have with other people. To help, Cloud gives a picture of four corners of connection to identify where we’re at.
Corner One: Disconnected
People in Corner One are not emotionally present and are not able to either give or receive in their connections with others.
Many CEOs end up in this corner. They may have been the higher-performing sibling who made up for what others weren’t doing, the family hero, or the caretaker who everyone depends on. They are always performing for others and rarely taking in what they need from the outside world.
To help identify if this fits you ask: Would other people who depend on you say they feel needed, valued, listened to, and taken into your confidence?
Corner Two: Bad Connection
A connection , preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or “not good enough” in some way.
We are made for connection and people unconsciously make the calculation that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.
Someone in this corner may be on back on their heels and defensive, trying to get someone else's approval.
Corner Three: Seductively False “Good Connection”
Seeking something to connect to that feels good to cover up feeling isolated or inadequate. This can take the form of an affair, an addiction, an attachment to promotions, awards, or positive results, even big product launches.
Flattery is one common intoxication of leaders, making the leader dependent on the people he or she is leading.
Fantasy Football, Shopping, golfing, hunting, fishing, and web surfing local sports can be other ways to cover up the stress of work and lack of connection.
Corner Four
A relationship in which both people are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested.
Corner Four people embody these kinds of connection:
-Connection that fuels
-Connection that gives freedom
-Connection that requires responsibility
-Connection that defangs failure and learning
-Connection that challenges and pushes
-Connection that builds structure
-Connection that unites instead of divides
-Connection that is trustworthy
Cloud does not think the self-made man or woman is a reality we should seek after. Many prominent leaders had a mentor of some sort helping them along the way. Leaders who are not afraid to say they need help accomplish the most.
Corner Four relationships empower our sense of ownership and self-control instead of taking away. They do this by providing support, growth, respect, and accountability.
In accountability people need a mixture of positive and negative feedback but positive feedback should greatly exceed negative feedback. There should be somewhere around 6 pieces of positive feedback for every piece of negative feedback.
One danger to Corner Four relationships is what Cloud calls triangulation. When person A should be talking to person B but is talking to person C about B instead. This sort of avoidance of communication creates division.
Cloud identifies 5 ingredients trust should be based on:
-Understanding
-Intent or Motive
-Ability
-Character-beyond things like honesty including is the person: optimistic, passive, in need of validation, compassionate, fun, impulsive, silent, forgiving, etc.
-Track Record
Overall, this is a book I heartily recommend. I’ve read multiple other books by Henry Cloud and none has disappointed. This book shows that we are in need of other people to grow and shows us how to build relationships that facilitate that growth. I recommend it to anyone open to learning how to build those kind of relationships.
January 8, 2017
There is a reason I wanted to start my reading habit this year with a book like this:
All along, we are told to focus on what WE do or we CAN do, what is upto us and in our hands and not to worry about the rest. This is a perfectly sensible thing to do and I believed it with all my heart. However, something that happened in my life last year shook this very belief catching by its collar. I sure had given my best, and it was a cumulative effort from over a couple of years and therefore I was certain I made the cut, but the truth is, I fell short. This came as a shock to me and I was speechless! ( Ironically, I work in speech synthesis !!). I just couldn't digest the fact that sometimes even if we give our 100%, it is not going to be enough.
However, I succeeded, after I myself actually gave up, just because of someone else. I did know various versions of the quote “Want something badly and the universe will get it to you” but I never seriously thought scientifically about it. I wanted to understand this in a more philosophical as well as methodical way and this book caught my attention. This book is a deep dive on the influence our relationships have on our performance, and the author explains the intricacies using stories from his own experience in a manner easy to comprehend. He also covers various assumptions we make and tries to explain why they might not be ideal.
Author starts this book with a story similar to the one I experienced, but at a whole different level, a story of navy SEALs where a certain officer gives and exhausts all his energy into a test and still is about to fail, but manages to succeed and does it in a remarkable fashion because his body and senses go to a next level when one of his colleagues does a small encouraging gesture. This is the power of the other that the author mentions and explores the same throughout.
In another story, the author clearly mentions the pitfall most of us, and certainly me, get into. It is about a man who messes his life up, realizes it and then makes a plan to get back on track. He puts up strict actions for this, in form of meditation, spending more time with family,etc all of which seem really the needed ingredients. The author here mentions that while these actions need to be done, all of these are the ones ‘needed to be done by himself’. In other words, he is the single warrior sort of in all these actions. The problem, author says, is that actions themselves have led him to mess his life in the first place and therefore, instead of doing all the heavy lifting himself, he should try to take the help of others. Otherwise, he will soon get bored/succumed and go back to his messing up pattern. ( May be this is seen with people on weight watch?)
Author speaks about four corners in relationships, explains each one of them in great detail through examples and elucidates how if we are not cognizant, keep falling into vicious circles with three of them: loneliness, bad relationship and the one based on false praising. I could relate to some of the times I was in one of the corners and I found this really useful. He then elaborates further on what the fourth relationship corner looks like and how we can take full advantage of such relationships.
Overall, this was a very fabulous read an I have done a lot of underlining and highlighting which I plan to revisit periodically. I did feel it a bit repititive at times, hence 4 rating.
All along, we are told to focus on what WE do or we CAN do, what is upto us and in our hands and not to worry about the rest. This is a perfectly sensible thing to do and I believed it with all my heart. However, something that happened in my life last year shook this very belief catching by its collar. I sure had given my best, and it was a cumulative effort from over a couple of years and therefore I was certain I made the cut, but the truth is, I fell short. This came as a shock to me and I was speechless! ( Ironically, I work in speech synthesis !!). I just couldn't digest the fact that sometimes even if we give our 100%, it is not going to be enough.
However, I succeeded, after I myself actually gave up, just because of someone else. I did know various versions of the quote “Want something badly and the universe will get it to you” but I never seriously thought scientifically about it. I wanted to understand this in a more philosophical as well as methodical way and this book caught my attention. This book is a deep dive on the influence our relationships have on our performance, and the author explains the intricacies using stories from his own experience in a manner easy to comprehend. He also covers various assumptions we make and tries to explain why they might not be ideal.
Author starts this book with a story similar to the one I experienced, but at a whole different level, a story of navy SEALs where a certain officer gives and exhausts all his energy into a test and still is about to fail, but manages to succeed and does it in a remarkable fashion because his body and senses go to a next level when one of his colleagues does a small encouraging gesture. This is the power of the other that the author mentions and explores the same throughout.
In another story, the author clearly mentions the pitfall most of us, and certainly me, get into. It is about a man who messes his life up, realizes it and then makes a plan to get back on track. He puts up strict actions for this, in form of meditation, spending more time with family,etc all of which seem really the needed ingredients. The author here mentions that while these actions need to be done, all of these are the ones ‘needed to be done by himself’. In other words, he is the single warrior sort of in all these actions. The problem, author says, is that actions themselves have led him to mess his life in the first place and therefore, instead of doing all the heavy lifting himself, he should try to take the help of others. Otherwise, he will soon get bored/succumed and go back to his messing up pattern. ( May be this is seen with people on weight watch?)
Author speaks about four corners in relationships, explains each one of them in great detail through examples and elucidates how if we are not cognizant, keep falling into vicious circles with three of them: loneliness, bad relationship and the one based on false praising. I could relate to some of the times I was in one of the corners and I found this really useful. He then elaborates further on what the fourth relationship corner looks like and how we can take full advantage of such relationships.
Overall, this was a very fabulous read an I have done a lot of underlining and highlighting which I plan to revisit periodically. I did feel it a bit repititive at times, hence 4 rating.
December 1, 2020
I think the subtitle was a bit of an overreach for what the book actually stands for. Cloud discusses relationship as the significant factor in excelling and spends a lot of time detailing his four corners (and a lot of time on the fourth corner which is the "best" corner to create, work in, strive for). And you can with a few bits and pieces understand where he's going with the subtitle on how relationships are important. It works, but some of it was redundant. And quite a few analogies-- he could have skipped a few but some of his personal stories pulled their weight in his quest to understand similar to the trajectory of Brene Brown in her declarations about vulnerability.
That's not to say it was a bust because I had quite a few Post-it's marking passages and sections to reflect more deeply on- it was the parts that made the book, not the whole. Would I recommend it? That's a solid "sure", but not an exuberant "YES!" It'll meet you where you are.
"For example, research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system."
"Ask many people about their greatest accomplishments and challenges overcome, and you will find one thing in common: there was someone on the other end who made it possible."
"'A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.'"
"Self control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends on it. You cannot get better if it's not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control."
"Research into brain circuitry shows that new capacities grow when we have to grapple with a problem ourselves instead of hearing someone tell us how to fix it or watching someone fix it for us. We remember about 10 to 20 percent of what we read or hear or see, but 80 percent of what we experience in such a learning process."
"Science has shown that we can change. We do change. We do get better, but we tend to do it alongside people who believe that too and who are committed to helping us."
That's not to say it was a bust because I had quite a few Post-it's marking passages and sections to reflect more deeply on- it was the parts that made the book, not the whole. Would I recommend it? That's a solid "sure", but not an exuberant "YES!" It'll meet you where you are.
"For example, research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system."
"Ask many people about their greatest accomplishments and challenges overcome, and you will find one thing in common: there was someone on the other end who made it possible."
"'A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.'"
"Self control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends on it. You cannot get better if it's not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control."
"Research into brain circuitry shows that new capacities grow when we have to grapple with a problem ourselves instead of hearing someone tell us how to fix it or watching someone fix it for us. We remember about 10 to 20 percent of what we read or hear or see, but 80 percent of what we experience in such a learning process."
"Science has shown that we can change. We do change. We do get better, but we tend to do it alongside people who believe that too and who are committed to helping us."
September 6, 2017
Henry Cloud continues to be one of the most informative, practical writers I have ever read. This book details how others can affect us and make us see our more authentic selves. There are four corners where people can live (1-disconnected, 2-bad connections, 3-good but false connections, and 4- which is where we want to live.
Cloud identifies eight characteristics of Corner Four relationships. True connection fuels, gives freedom, requires responsibility, takes the sting away from failure, challenges and pushes, builds structure, unites instead of divides, and is trustworthy.
When we truly connect with others, they help us draw out the full potential of who we really are and what we can truly be. Relationship makes authenticity possible.
Cloud identifies eight characteristics of Corner Four relationships. True connection fuels, gives freedom, requires responsibility, takes the sting away from failure, challenges and pushes, builds structure, unites instead of divides, and is trustworthy.
When we truly connect with others, they help us draw out the full potential of who we really are and what we can truly be. Relationship makes authenticity possible.
May 3, 2016
Dr. Cloud takes aim and sinks the putt once again with his latest book, "The Power of the Other"!
This book provides a deeper and richer understanding of not only how "The Power of the Other" impacts us, but how we impact others in relationships.
In this book, you will learn about the four corners of relationship and how to reach the ultimate - four corner relationship status. This is where we all experience the best of relationships whether in our family, friend or work relationships.
"The Power of the Other" invites the reader to dig deeper and connect more. A great read that is both engaging and informative.
This book provides a deeper and richer understanding of not only how "The Power of the Other" impacts us, but how we impact others in relationships.
In this book, you will learn about the four corners of relationship and how to reach the ultimate - four corner relationship status. This is where we all experience the best of relationships whether in our family, friend or work relationships.
"The Power of the Other" invites the reader to dig deeper and connect more. A great read that is both engaging and informative.
April 21, 2017
Read my full review at my blog https://blog.digitalamrit.com
What is the book about?
“The Power of the Other” is written by Dr. Henry Cloud, author of other relationship oriented bestsellers like “Boundaries”. His writing is non-controversial and easily consumable
“The Power of the Other” is a book about how other people affect us and how our success depends on our relationships with others. This book explores this concept across varying contexts ranging mostly from organizations to our personal life.
What does it cover?
The first couple of chapters explain
What is the book about?
“The Power of the Other” is written by Dr. Henry Cloud, author of other relationship oriented bestsellers like “Boundaries”. His writing is non-controversial and easily consumable
“The Power of the Other” is a book about how other people affect us and how our success depends on our relationships with others. This book explores this concept across varying contexts ranging mostly from organizations to our personal life.
What does it cover?
The first couple of chapters explain
June 27, 2016
Henry Cloud is one of my top 5 authors. Ever. His insights are so clarifying, almost stunning. And his practical approach to applying those insights is so helpful. I highly recommend this book, to get to Corner 4 connections with more people in your life, where you not only support each other, but hold each other accountable to being your highest version of yourselves. His theory is that no one can do it alone - we all need Corner 4 connections. I agree.
Read
January 2, 2017I've been a fan of Henry Cloud's books for decades, and this one did not disappoint. The power of other in our professional and personal lives is unparalleled. I loved thinking about the four corners: No Connection, Bad Connection, Fake Connection, and Real Connection. The idea that we are like cell phones pinging a signal resonated deeply. I hope to forge new 4th corner relationships in 2017.
February 11, 2019
I agree with the premise of the book. In my opinion though, it could have been much shorter book, as the concept is easy to grasp. I also thought it was kind of trashy to keep referencing his own past books.
Want to read
May 28, 2016Hope to be receiving today!
December 2, 2016
You cannot go where you want to go without the other in your life. Not just any "other" rather someone who helps you achieve your goals. No Lone Ranger ever did anything amazing.
July 5, 2017
I love reading Dr. Henry Cloud!
September 9, 2018
There wasn't an interesting paragraph in the entire book. Full of vague stories about unnamed people and companies with no details whatsoever.
May 26, 2020
A valuable insight into the myriad of ways in which we are impacted by others (as the title suggests!). Although some elements of this text were embellished and drawn out longer than perhaps necessary, Cloud's knack for story-telling kept me turning the pages. I was confronted by the realisation that I often dwell in corner 3 for longer than I would like to admit, and I was enlightened to discover the characteristics of positive corner 4 relationships. Love that relationships must be equal parts freedom and responsibility.
September 8, 2018
Cloud is the best! He again nails it in this book. His thesis is simple: Only through relationships with others can we grow, mature and conquer the obstacles life throws at us. He uses a model of 4 corners: three dysfunctional ways of approaching relationships, and one life giving one - the corner four relationship, one that involves grace and truth. Readable, and full of his trademark ability to bring clarity to the messy confused-ness of our inner lives.
October 19, 2020
I'm currently going through some significant changes in my life and this book was exactly what I needed. Recognizing how interactions with others affect me and figuring out where I fit in those interactions was so enlightening. I feel like I have a ton of work to do to figure out what corner each relationship I have is so I can decide whether that's a relationship I want to foster or distance myself from. Another excellent Dr. Henry Cloud book!!
January 17, 2021
Rating this three-stars, not because there’s anything wrong with the advice, or that it’s dull, but because it’s simply GOOD advice rather than groundbreaking like the title suggests. I can sum it up as: find yourself some good quality relationships who challenge you to be the best you can be and you’ll go far. In the quest for self improvement we often forget that we NEED others... et voila! The book summed up!
October 19, 2022
Very insightful!
Lots of what I heave learned from counselors etc is that: you are in control of your life, you make choices, and you are responsible. The power is in your hands.
Yes.
And.
The key relationships in your life have enormous impact on you, for better or worse.
This book looks at this, and how to foster these good relationships, and how to be that for other people.
It's built on trust and connection and honesty and having people's back.
Good book.
Lots of what I heave learned from counselors etc is that: you are in control of your life, you make choices, and you are responsible. The power is in your hands.
Yes.
And.
The key relationships in your life have enormous impact on you, for better or worse.
This book looks at this, and how to foster these good relationships, and how to be that for other people.
It's built on trust and connection and honesty and having people's back.
Good book.
February 24, 2018
A practical easy read with relatable examples.
February 6, 2024
So powerful! I have seen myself in each corner and also the things that ultimately brought me to spend the majority of my time in Corner 4. It sharpened my thinking on several points.
October 15, 2021
For once, a book that tells me that I don't have all the answers. I like how this book is written. That it is how I receive love that helps me love others. It's amazing how the book explains how to be active together to see each other flourish. GOD bless you Dr.
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