Marrying the Ugly Millionaire Quotes

“Pessimism for Beginners

When you’re waiting for someone to e-mail,
When you’re waiting for someone to call –
Young or old, gay or straight, male or female –
Don’t assume that they’re busy, that’s all.

Don’t conclude that their letter went missing
Or they must be away for a while;
Think instead that they’re cursing and hissing –
They’ve decided you’re venal and vile,

That your eyes should be pecked by an eagle.
Oh, to bash in your head with a stone!
But since this is unfairly illegal
They’ve no choice but to leave you alone.

Be they friend, parent, sibling or lover
Or your most stalwart colleague at work,
Don’t pursue them. You’ll only discover
That your once-irresistible quirk

Is no longer appealing. Far from it.
Everything that you are and you do
Makes them spatter their basin with vomit.
They loathe Hitler and herpes and you.

Once you take this on board, life gets better.
You give no one your hopes to destroy.
The most cursory phone call or letter
Makes you pickle your heart in pure joy.

It’s so different from what you expected!
They do not want to gouge out your eyes!
You feel neither abused nor rejected
What a stunning and perfect surprise.

This approach I’m endorsing will net you
A small portion of boundless delight.
Keep believing the world’s out to get you.
Now and then you might not be proved right.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“The Guest Speaker

I have to keep myself awake
While the guest speaker speaks.
For his and for procedure’s sake
I have to keep myself awake.
However long his talk might take
(And, Christ, it feels like weeks)
I have to keep myself awake
While the guest speaker speaks.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“The Safest Place

It’s a hygienic lovers’ tiff
That starts with if and only if
And tails off like a doctor’s note.
How could you write the things you wrote,

Scaremongering? I’m sure we’ll live.
Thank God my job’s repetitive.
It keeps me calm – no hurt, no games.
I type a list of authors’ names,

Relish the thought of getting bored.
I’m busy here. I can’t afford
To fall apart or fall behind.
Everywhere else you’re on my mind;

Work has become the safest place.
This catalogue, this database,
Proves, in a way, that life goes on.
Beaumont, Francis. Fletcher, John.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“Skipping Rhyme for Graduates

I’ve got the motive.
I’ve got the stamina.
I’m going to kill
The external examiner.

Let crows and vultures
Pick at the carcass
After I’ve murdered
The stingiest of markers.

Bring out the bin-bags.
Bring out the spades.
Bring down the evil sod
Who brings down the grades.

Give me an alibi.
Give me a gun.
Wanted a first
But I got a two-one.

Just missed a first
By a fragment of a fraction.
Justice is called for,
Justice and action.

What a bloody miser!
What a bloody crook!
Won’t mark another paper.
Won’t write another book.

Won’t see his bloody name
In another bloody journal.
Bye-bye, examiner.
Bye-bye, external.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“Trainers All Turn Grey
(after Robert Frost’s ‘Nothing Gold Can Stay’)

You buy your trainers new.
They cost a bob or two.
At first they’re clean and white,
The laces thick and tight.
Then they must touch the ground –
(You have to walk around).
You learn to your dismay
Trainers all turn grey.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“Multiple Choice

You hate it if I cry or raise my voice
Or ever drop my customary tact.
As you’re the boss, I’m giving you the choice –
Please tell me how you’d like me to react.

Should I (a) get used to being treated badly
Or (b) just smile and act like nothing’s wrong?
Should I (c) love everything about you madly
Or (d) be glad you’ve stayed with me so long?

Should I (e) switch off my mind and start undressing
Or (f) fight back my feelings and be brave?
Should I (g) accept the fact that life’s depressing
Or (h) kneel down and be your willing slave?

I’ll leave it up to you. Just pick a letter.
If that one doesn’t work, we’ll try another.
Gradually life should start to get much better
For one of us at least, if not the other.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“Thoughts on a Tree
(as it might have been written by Robert Frost)

When I walk out alone at night to pubs,
Is it the moaning of the trees I hear,
The soft, subdued lament of leafy shrubs
That are outsiders from the world of beer?

For how unsociable, how sad they are,
These rooted things, fated to stand and watch
And know that they can never reach a bar
Themselves, that they will never taste a scotch.

And yet we are alike in many ways –
I tend to be an introvert when drunk,
Just as the tree, on harsh and snowy days,
Takes refuge in its sturdiness of trunk.

Oh tree, unable as you are to frolic,
At least you won’t become an alcoholic.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“A Christmas Truce

What would I like for Christmas?
A close friend wants to know.
Perfume? A clock? A spa day?
Some tickets for a show?

‘I need ideas by Monday,’
She huffs, as if I’m not
Sufficiently respectful
Of her present-buying slot,

Which will expire by Tuesday,
Her harried tone implies.
Art books? Posh wine? New teapot?
Brainstorm! Prioritise!

What do I want for Christmas?
I want you not to ask.
I’d rather get no gifts at all
Than be assigned the task

Of emailing a wish list
(One I must first create)
To all my friends and family
Before a certain date.

Can I propose a Christmas truce
To make my dreams come true?
Create no work for me and I’ll
Create no work for you.

I’ve got enough possessions –
Shoes, coats, a diamond ring –
I want not to be asked to do
A time-consuming thing.

Yes, that’s a proper present –
Abstract, but no less real.
What do you mean it seems as if
I don’t care how you feel?

ALL RIGHT! I’ll have a teapot.
What? Then wrap it in a fleece.
Yes, I will ring to say it got here
Safely, in one piece.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“Multiple Warning Survivors Anonymous

Please don’t warn me of things that won’t happen,
Like: the man who just sold me some land
Might in fact have a vat
Of the plague in his hat
And a new black death minutely planned.

Please don’t mention unlikely disasters
That you think I’d be wise to avoid:
Getting stalked in a tent,
Or inhaling cement...
Yes, my life could be swiftly destroyed

But it won’t be, so no need to summon
Your great ally, the spectre of doom –
Babies, injured or dead!
Dearest friend, axe in head! –
While I’m safe, sitting still in a room.

I am sure I’ll avoid strangulation
By a dangling invisible thread,
But my life’s in bad shape
If I cannot escape
From these horrors you plant in my head.

Can I tell you what I think is likely?
And I hope this is not out of line:
Yes, there is a small chance
I’ll be stabbed by Charles Dance
But I strongly suspect I’ll be fine,

Or I would be, if only you’d zip it.
No, I won’t wear a bullet-proof vest
When I go to Ikea.Don’t troll me with fear.
Here’s a warning: just give it a rest

Or I’ll certainly spend most of Sunday
Thinking you’re an assiduous scourge –
Sure as peas grow in pods.
Please consider those odds
When you next feel the dread-warning urge.

If one day I am crushed by a hippo
Then my agent will give you a ring.
If you like you can mourn me,
But please, please – don’t warn me.
Your warning’s my only bad thing.”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems

“I left my scarf behind. You sent it on.
I meant to buy and send a Thank You card
But I forgot, and soon the year was gone
And the year after that. My life was hard”
― Sophie Hannah, Marrying the Ugly Millionaire: New and Collected Poems