A Plain-Dealing Villain Quotes

“The original games were gladiatorial fights to the death. We had to revise that after a few years because, well, people stopped signing up.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“I wondered, for a brief instant, what a necromancer like Damien Ecko could do with the skeleton of a T. rex. I shrugged the idea off. Nobody’s that good.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Can’t you get flowers from the evil flower shop?” “Yes,” I whispered, “but then they’d be evil flowers. C’mon, Bentley, try to keep up.” “You know that charming tic, Daniel, where you start making jokes in a dangerous situation, and we all pretend we don’t know you’re doing it in order to cover up how nervous you are?” “What about it?” I asked. “I was just asking if you were aware of it.” “Nope,” I said.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Freedom. You humans do love to prattle on about freedom, and you barely understand the word. How much agency do you think you actually have? From the cradle to the grave, you’re bombarded with media, advertising, cultural and social pressure to conform…it’s amazing you can think at all.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“It’s never good to owe money to a guy with a cellar full of military hardware. Especially not when he rides with an outlaw biker gang.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“When you fight, though, that badge means you’ve gotta keep your gloves on. I don’t. I use brass knuckles.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Spend enough time living on the wrong side of the law, magic powers or not, you grow a sixth sense for when things are about to go sideways. Think of it as Darwinism for criminals. You learn when to walk away, you stay in the game for another night. You don’t, well…the prisons are filled with guys who didn’t spot a setup until they were being hauled off in handcuffs.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Well hello,” Caitlin said, eyeing the shepherd. “The last time I saw you, you were wearing your heart on your sleeve. Because I ripped it out and put it there.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Look at this writing. Can you read? What does it say?” “Happy…graduation, sir?” “It was for a funeral! Happy graduation? What’s he graduated to? Worm food?”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“You can’t take a life—good or bad, whether they’ve got it coming or not—you can’t take a life without burning out a little of the light in your heart. And you’ve only got so much light.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Most confidence games depend on the mark not knowing they’re being conned. The Kansas City Shuffle depends on the mark knowing it. Not only do they have to see you coming, they have to figure out your entire plan before it happens.” “Problem being,” Corman said, “they’re working to stop the wrong con. You get ’em looking left, while you rob ’em blind on the right.” “We can’t take the coin out of the building,” I said, “but Royce can. So let’s give him a reason to do it.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“I explained Crime 101 to the kid. “Guns escalate things. They’re only good for crowd control. We’re going in after closing hours, so we don’t need crowd control.” “Yeah,” Augie said, “but what about security? What if they start bustin’ caps?” Bustin’ caps. I wondered how many hip-hop posters he had on his bedroom wall. “Site’s handled by Gold Star Security Northwest,” I explained. “They don’t carry guns, just Tasers and pepper spray. They also make thirteen bucks an hour, and heroics are highly discouraged in their training manual. Their standing orders in case of a burglary are to retreat to safe ground and call the real cops. That gives us plenty of time to bug out if we get spotted and blow it.” “Cool,” Augie said.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“The smell of cannabis almost knocked me flat. The house was a grow op.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“apothecia? It’s the state of finding significance in random, meaningless data. It’s a very common flaw in the human brain.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“* * * Back in my room at the Four Seasons, I gave them the grisly details. Not too grisly. Pixie didn’t need to hear that, and everyone else had a damn good idea of what Coop was going through. “That kind of zombie,” Margaux mused, “is easy to raise up, if you know what you’re doing. Even easier to put down. Remember those soul traps Lauren passed out to her followers? The little leather pouches? Same thing, it’s just that Coop’s own body is the pouch. Force his mouth open, his soul flies free.” Pixie sat beside her at the end table by the window, powering up her laptop. She glanced at Margaux over the screen. “That kind? How many kinds of zombies are there?” “There’s the kind that eat people, the kind that don’t eat people…” Margaux’s voice trailed off as she thought it over. “Two. Two kinds. Plenty of variations, but when you’re looking at a dead man walkin’ your way, that’s the one question you need answered fast.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Three hours later we broke through the clouds. Chicago sprawled below us, a bristling parasite of steel and stone clinging to the curve of Lake Michigan. Skyscrapers rose up from the urban expanse like the pistons of a mighty engine, standing tall and sharp in the rainy gloom. Home was sin and sleaze and glitz in the desert sun. Vegas would steal every penny in your pocket, but it’d make sure you had a great time on your way to the gutter. Chicago didn’t have time to play games. It was a machine for printing money, moving at the speed of industry, and it only offered two choices: keep up or be left behind. Las Vegas was born from a gangster’s dream of fleecing tourists in paradise. Chicago was born from a trading post, built on the bones of an Indian massacre. Neither city has ever forgotten this.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“In my experience, the handoff was the most dangerous part of a deal. If your client decided to pay you in bullets instead of cash, this was where it would go down.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Bye, Stanwyck, I thought. I promised Coop I’d send you straight to hell. Looks like you’re taking the long, scenic route instead. I’d be lying if I said I gave a damn.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Now, neither of you gentlemen are under my court’s authority, so I can’t technically pass my formal judgment upon you. I think…we’ll just call this a double homicide.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Not always true. In ’08, that was the first and only year we played Monopoly. Four people died.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“So sorry,” Calypso said, waving his cigarette in a slow circle. “I should have asked before I lit up. Does anyone mind if I smoke?” “Duh, yes,” Josh snapped at him. “It’s a filthy habit. And it’s making my eyes water. I have very sensitive—” “But I don’t like you,” Calypso said. “Does anyone else mind, or are we all copacetic?”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“He was a rogue agent, acting without my prince’s sanction. Also, we wrote a letter of apology. Don’t know what else you want from us.” “That’s funny,” I said. “I didn’t get one. Did you send it to my old apartment? That must be why. See, it burned down while I was protecting that asshole from the Redemption Choir.” “I’ll see that you get a copy,” Royce said.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Security?” I asked. “Like the Chippendales Nadine brought with her? I’m not kidding, Royce, I think those guys are off-duty strippers. I hope you’re not paying her a consultation fee.” Royce arched one eyebrow. “Oh, no, I think we can do better than that.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“She slapped an envelope down on the table and loudly announced, “Fredrika Vinter, House of Vinter, champion of good taste. If you don’t know what that is, I’ll buy you a dictionary.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Hey, Nadine?” I said. She glanced my way. “I normally have strong objections to hitting a woman,” I said, “but if you talk to my girlfriend like that again, I could see myself getting over it real fast.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Hey,” I said, panting, “next time you find out that a major crime syndicate wants to take over Vegas, maybe let me know before I go to the city where they live? Send me a letter, maybe? Send up some smoke signals?” “Wait, what?” Nicky said. “The Outfit came after you in Texas?” “In Chicago, Nicky. Where the job is. The job you set me up for.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“There a point behind that history lesson?” I asked. “Only to establish a certain level of, shall we call it, prior claim?” “I’m not positive,” I said, “but I think after sixty or seventy years it becomes more of a finders, keepers sort of situation.” Angelo slapped his knee. “Now, you see? That’s almost exactly what Nicky Agnelli said”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“The first combination I tried was 666. You know how some people always set their passwords to “password” or “secret” even though those are terrible choices? In my experience, ask a demon to pick a three-digit number and nine times out of ten, they go with 666. They just can’t help themselves.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Why are you whispering?” “I’m on the roof of an evil flower shop, and I don’t want to get shot.” “That sort of answer,” he said, “really shouldn’t surprise me anymore.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain

“Just very, very bright. So bright that there isn’t a single shadow in the shot.” Dell looked back toward the steel shelves. “Uh, you know that’ll like, wash out everything, right? I mean that’s not really how it’s done—” “Listen to me.” I moved closer, leaning against the counter. “Our needs are very specific. We want to kill shadows. Got it?” “Kill shadows,” he repeated, blinking. “Okay. Hey, sure, you’re the customer, whatever. Let me guess…this is an art film, isn’t it?” “I do like to think of myself as an artist, yes.”
― Craig Schaefer, A Plain-Dealing Villain