The End of All Things Quotes

“Captain, the problem is not that I’m paranoid. The problem is that the universe keeps justifying my paranoia.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“There’s a saying: “May you live in interesting times.” To begin, it’s a curse. “Interesting” in this case uniformly means “Oh god, death is raining down upon us and we shall all perish wailing and possibly on fire.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“It’s not a bad idea.” “It’s a terrible idea,” Oi said. “It just has the advantage of being better than the other option.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“The Fflict recognized five genders: male, female, zhial, yal, and neuter. Aul was zhial, and ze liked zis pronouns accurately stated. I would too, in zis position.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“He was determined to be the most touristy tourist who had ever touristed,”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“But I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Again I ask permission to be blunt.” “Ambassador Abumwe, at this point I cannot imagine you being otherwise.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I thought this was a matter of some urgency, Harry.” “It is,” I said. “But I fell from the sky today. I could use a couple of waffles.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I’ve met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I had, bluntly, the worst fucking headache I had ever had in my life. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it. Try this. Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Having Monday be Pizza Day subverts the natural order of things.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“[I]t was designed to operate with minimal assistance from humans, who were without exception the moving part most likely to fail.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Danielle Lowen: How are you? I am fine. The group that destroyed Earth Station and made it look like the Colonial Union did it is now planning to nuke the surface of your planet until it glows, and frame the Conclave for it. Hope you are well. Looking forward to rescuing you in space again soon. Your friend, Harry Wilson.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“And when I say “exploded” I mean “interacted catastrophically with the topography of space/time in ways we’re not entirely able to explain,” but “explode” gets the gist of it, particularly with regard to what would happen to a human caught in it.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Listen. I don’t care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It’s where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn’t have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I’ve brought it to your attention, you’re probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe,” Sorvalh said. “All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“We buy time where we may.” “You bought yourself time,” Oi agreed. “I don’t think it’s of very good quality.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“What was your job back on Earth? I’ve always been curious. I taught eighth-grade math in Tallahassee. Huh, I said. That’s not what I expected. Are you kidding? Powell said back. You try teaching algebra to a bunch of little shitheads for thirty-eight years straight. The way I figure it I’ve got about another decade before my rage from that gets entirely burned up.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“When the drive failed, the ship exploded. And when I say “exploded” I mean “interacted catastrophically with the topography of space/time in ways we’re not entirely able to explain,” but “explode” gets the gist of it, particularly with regard to what would happen to a human caught in it.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I’m going to shoot him twice now. We still need to bring him in alive, I said. I didn’t say I was going to kill him, Powell replied. Just that I was going to shoot him twice.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I waited for the last few seconds to deploy my nanobots into a parachute form, braking with an abruptness that would have killed an unmodified human body. Fortunately, I don’t have an unmodified human body.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I had, bluntly, the worst fucking headache I had ever had in my life. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it. Try this. Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick. Times six. That was the good part of my headache.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I’m not a heroic hacker with magic code. I was a brain in a box. But I am a programmer. Or was. And I knew the system. I knew the software. And I had a plan. And a little bit of time before anyone was going to bother me again. So I got to work.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I did feel something the next time I regained consciousness. I had, bluntly, the worst fucking headache I had ever had in my life. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it. Try this. Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick. Times six. That was the good part of my headache. It was the sort of headache where the best possible course of action is to lie there motionless and quiet, eyes closed, and pray for death. Which is why I think it took me longer than it should have to figure out a few things.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Because it worked really well for some people," I said. "Let's not lie, Hart. It worked really well for us. For humans. And more specifically for the Colonial Union. A system of government, stable for centuries, predicated on killing the shit out of everyone else and taking their land. That's practically the modus operandi of every successful human civilization to date. No wonder some of us wanted to return to it, even at the risk of destroying the Colonial Union itself. Because if we got back, we'd be meaner than ever before.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“And it had worked; he had looked like a fool when he attempted to call out the general. What I and the general had underestimated were the number of other assembly members who would willingly continue to follow a fool.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“How did you get here, anyway?” “It’s classified.” “I’m close enough to stab you with a fork.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“One day I’d like to visit this planet without having to toss myself down its atmosphere.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things