The End of All Things Quotes

“Captain, the problem is not that I’m paranoid. The problem is that the universe keeps justifying my paranoia.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“There’s a saying: “May you live in interesting times.” To begin, it’s a curse. “Interesting” in this case uniformly means “Oh god, death is raining down upon us and we shall all perish wailing and possibly on fire.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“It’s not a bad idea.” “It’s a terrible idea,” Oi said. “It just has the advantage of being better than the other option.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“The Fflict recognized five genders: male, female, zhial, yal, and neuter. Aul was zhial, and ze liked zis pronouns accurately stated. I would too, in zis position.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“He was determined to be the most touristy tourist who had ever touristed,”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Again I ask permission to be blunt.” “Ambassador Abumwe, at this point I cannot imagine you being otherwise.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Having Monday be Pizza Day subverts the natural order of things.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I thought this was a matter of some urgency, Harry.” “It is,” I said. “But I fell from the sky today. I could use a couple of waffles.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I’ve met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“But I have always found that there’s an inverse relationship between the number of people in a room and the amount of useful work that can be done.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“We buy time where we may.” “You bought yourself time,” Oi agreed. “I don’t think it’s of very good quality.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I had, bluntly, the worst fucking headache I had ever had in my life. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it. Try this. Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“I did feel something the next time I regained consciousness. I had, bluntly, the worst fucking headache I had ever had in my life. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it. Try this. Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick. Times six. That was the good part of my headache. It was the sort of headache where the best possible course of action is to lie there motionless and quiet, eyes closed, and pray for death. Which is why I think it took me longer than it should have to figure out a few things.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“[I]t was designed to operate with minimal assistance from humans, who were without exception the moving part most likely to fail.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Imagine a migraine, on top of a hangover, while sitting in a kindergarten of thirty screaming children, who are all taking turns stabbing you in the eye with an ice pick.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Danielle Lowen: How are you? I am fine. The group that destroyed Earth Station and made it look like the Colonial Union did it is now planning to nuke the surface of your planet until it glows, and frame the Conclave for it. Hope you are well. Looking forward to rescuing you in space again soon. Your friend, Harry Wilson.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“How did you get here, anyway?” “It’s classified.” “I’m close enough to stab you with a fork.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“And when I say “exploded” I mean “interacted catastrophically with the topography of space/time in ways we’re not entirely able to explain,” but “explode” gets the gist of it, particularly with regard to what would happen to a human caught in it.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“One day I’d like to visit this planet without having to toss myself down its atmosphere.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Well, ‘explode’ maybe isn’t the most accurate term. What actually happens is much more interesting.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Are we agreed that the goal here is survival, not a win?”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“No matter what, the Earth is fucked,” Rigney said. “Excuse the language, but that’s the gist of what I’m hearing from you.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Listen. I don’t care if you ever think about the fact that you can always taste your mouth. You are always tasting your mouth. It’s where you keep your tongue. Your tongue doesn’t have an off switch. You are tasting your mouth right now, and now that I’ve brought it to your attention, you’re probably realizing that you should probably brush or chew some gum or something. Because your mouth, by default, is a kind of a little off, tastewise.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe,” Sorvalh said. “All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“You have five minutes,” I said. “Of course, because any more time would make this too easy.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Apparently you don’t have to understand physics to protest.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“What was your job back on Earth? I’ve always been curious. I taught eighth-grade math in Tallahassee. Huh, I said. That’s not what I expected. Are you kidding? Powell said back. You try teaching algebra to a bunch of little shitheads for thirty-eight years straight. The way I figure it I’ve got about another decade before my rage from that gets entirely burned up.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“Sorvalh smiled, and it was terrifying, and glorious. “And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe,” Sorvalh said. “All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong first.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things

“There’s a saying: “May you live in interesting times.” To begin, it’s a curse. “Interesting” in this case uniformly means “Oh god, death is raining down upon us and we shall all perish wailing and possibly on fire.” If someone wanted to say something nice to you, they wouldn’t tell you to live in “interesting” times. They would say something like, “I wish you eternal happiness” or “May you have peace” or “Live long and prosper” and so on. They wouldn’t say “Live in interesting times.” If someone is telling you to live in interesting times, they are basically telling you they want you to die horribly, and to suffer terribly before you do.”
― John Scalzi, The End of All Things