Mike Nelson's Mind over Matters Quotes

“At the 150-minute point of sitting in a standard theater chair, the human buttocks die; once dead, they cannot be revived. They cease to function, whatever that function may have been, and must be carried around like a sack, or two, of flour.”
― Michael J. Nelson, Mike Nelson's Mind over Matters: Hilarious Comedy Essays on Everyday American Life from the MST3K Writer

“The entire concept of pessimism crumbles the moment one human being puts aside thoughts of self and reaches out to another to minister to her suffering. The experience of either person can neither be denied nor adequately explained by a negative philosophy.”
― Michael J. Nelson, Mike Nelson's Mind Over Matters

“…It usually starts innocently enough, a friend remarking to you that the co-op has a nice new crop of grapefruit. “Hmm, I don’t really care for grapefruit myself,” you say, entirely without malice. She seems startled, “Really?” she says.

If you had a tendency to be sarcastic, you might say, “No, I deliberately misrepresent my taste in citrus to gain the upper hand in conversation.” But you are not sarcastic, so you restate your dislike, a little more timidly now. “Yeah, I just don’t care for grapefruit. It tastes bitter to me.”

“Bitter! How can you think grapefruit tastes bitter?” she demands.

“I find that difficult to answer — ” you say.

“Grapefruit is the single least bitter thing in the world! Sugar is more bitter than grapefruit!” she continues.

“Sugar is deliberately bitter,” you say, trying to calm her. “Sugar is pure white hate.”

“You want bitter? Radicchio is bitter. Dandelion greens — they’re bitter!”

“I hate them. They’re mean,” you say as the situation death-rolls out of control.

“I’m going to get you some of that grapefruit right now and show you that it’s not bitter,” she says, marching to the refrigerator. You have apparently run afoul of a committed grapefruit apologist. Soon you are eating extremely bitter chunks of fruit you loathe.

“Tell me, is that bitter? Is it?” she asks, leaving you no wiggle room.

“Unbelievably not-bitter. Sweet, sure. Sour, you bet. Salty, powerfully so — but bitter? No and again, no. All bitterness has vanished from existence. Even the concept of bitterness has been conquered and bows down before this grapefruit,” you say, nearly gagging from the bitterness.”
― Michael J. Nelson, Mike Nelson's Mind over Matters: Hilarious Comedy Essays on Everyday American Life from the MST3K Writer