I love Blue Ribbon Coffee Quotes

“If there are #coffee stains on my @Harvard application, it’s because I was up all night Photoshopping a high school diploma. Please accept my apology, and please accept me.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind of morning person I am with no coffee.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough to burn flesh.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the time, so what did I know about coffee?”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I stood under the umbrella for hours before I folded it up and started walking. Umbrellas can block the sun, shield the rain, and if you flip an open one over, it can also be used as a large coffee cup.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I need either a small coffee or a large nap.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full.
That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I did, because otherwise somebody would have died—and even worse, I’d be tired.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? Drink it, and the one that doesn’t make you vomit is the diarrhea.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“She’s the kind of woman where if you give her an inch, she’ll take the whole penis.
 She took all I had, and she didn’t even take me out to coffee.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into a bar. I would tell you what the bartender said, but to be honest, the bar was pretty noisy and I didn’t hear what he said.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee

“I drink coffee like goats walk on tightropes. It’s fun to watch, but it sure would be easier if this monkey dressed like a cowboy would get off my back.”
― Jarod Kintz, I love Blue Ribbon Coffee