Texts from Jane Eyre Quotes

“frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“-I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT WITHOUT MY JANE
I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

-i am with my cousins

-WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE

-Please don't try to talk to me again

-IS IT YOUR SEXY COUSIN
"ST. JOHN"
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS ST. JOHN

-I'm not going to answer that

-I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

-yes
Absolutely

-BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON'T CROSS ME
HAHA I'M ONLY JOKING”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“-I taught you Hindi and everything
That's basically the same as getting engaged for missionaries

-And I really appreciate that
It will be terribly useful in my career as an English governess

-See?
That
There.
that is exactly the kind of tone I mean
One round of cholera in the tropics would sear that sarcasm right out of you

-guess I really missed out

-Guess so”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“when I die I wish to be buried in that Shawl I wish to be buried — in ten Thousand Shawls – you’re not dying you’re just afraid of the stairs”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“why did you turn my friends into pigs i don’t know maybe the real question is why are your friends so turn-into-pigsable”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“what will you do if you go home?

i dunno
stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it
so maybe ill do that

farming?

yeah
go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls i like
and i hope you all die in this stupid war

you don't mean that

you don't mean your face

what?

leave me alone”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“hang all mysteries the only mystery I want to solve is how much cocaine I can fit in my face the mystery of how much face cocaine I can have that’s the mystery for me”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“first of all she’s not my girlfriend second of all denmark is a PRISON”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“i’m going to kidnap your daughter someday and i won’t let your nephew learn how to read because of how much i love you and scream at your grave and i’ll rent your room out to some guy from London”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“you'll kill our blood baby but you won't have sex with me”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“what is this
name remembering day”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“well A of all youre being condecending.

what did I say?

it wasn't what you said it was HOW you said it
and B of all I quit war forever
so
that's when I'm coming back
when I un-forever quit war, which is never, so never”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“maybe the real question is why are your friends so turn-into-pigsable”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“this publisher guy
is asking me about my favorite canto in Child Harolde
that’s like asking someone to pick who’s hotter
his half-sister or his cousins
it’s literally impossible”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“haha must have been a weird typo it’s illegal to hunt men but exhilarating”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“Let's go out tonight okay
We don't have to do anything big but I think we should go out just for dinner or something
I think that would be a good idea

Go out, Again?-
I went Out to Mount Holyoke

For college
You went there for college thirteen years ago

And now I must rest”
― Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“One round of cholera in the tropics would sear
that sarcasm right out of you”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“you’re damn right it’d be something caves of ice and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels and sacred rivers screaming beware and your hair would float and ugh hang on two seconds there’s a guy here”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters

“You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget”
― Mallory Ortberg, Texts from Jane Eyre: And Other Conversations with Your Favorite Literary Characters