The Dance of Intimacy Quotes

“Respect the fact that all you do and are now, has evolved for a good reason and serves an important purpose.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate “I’s” into one worldview.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“Change requires courage, but the failure to change does not signify the lack of it.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“Separateness" does not mean emotional distance, which is simply one means of managing anxiety or emotional intensity. Rather, separateness refers to the preservation of the "I" within the "we" - the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“At the simplest level, "being a self" means we can be pretty much who we are in relationships rather than what others wish, need, and expect us to be. It also means we can allow others to do the same. It means we do not participate in relationships at the expense of the "I".”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“Intimacy can happen only after we work toward a more solid self, based on a clear understanding of our part in the relationship patterns that keep us stuck.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“Real closeness occurs most reliably not when it is pursued or demanded in a relationship, but when both individuals work consistently on their own selves. <...> Working on the self includes clarifying beliefs, values, and life goals, staying responsibly connected to persons on one's own family tree, defining the "I" in key relationships, and addressing important emotional issues as they arise.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“working on key emotional issues at their source, lays the groundwork for more solid intimate relationships in the present or future.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

“We all have important emotional issues—and if we don’t process them up the generations, we are more than likely to pass them on down.”
― Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships