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The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
In The Dance of Intimacy, the bestselling author of The Dance of Anger outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed. Taking a careful look at those relationships where intimacy is most challenged--by distance, intensity, or pain--she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and a more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples, Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, helpful book on intimate relationships that both women and men may ever encounter.
255 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
510 people are currently reading
10012 people want to read
About the author
Harriet Lerner
69 books974 followersDr. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (Clinical Psychology, City University of New York; M.A. Educational Psychology, Columbia University Teachers College), was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York, the second of two daughters. Her parents, Archie and Rose Goldhor, were both children of Russian-Jewish immigrant parents. They were high school graduates who wanted their daughters to "be someone" at a time when women were only supposed to "find someone."
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
"Achievement was next to Godliness for my sister, Susan, and me." Harriet notes. "My father would talk about ‘My daughters the doctors’ while we were still in our strollers."
Growing up, Harriet and Susan spent weekends at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden, the Brooklyn Public Library and the Brooklyn Museum. "These places were free and just a subway token away."
Lerner's mother had an unwavering belief in her daughters and strong principles about how to raise children. In Harriet's words:
"Even during the hardest economic times my mother, Rose, made sure that Susan and I had four things that she believed were essential to our later success:
1. Good shoes (I don't mean stylish)
2. A firm, quality mattress
3. A top pediatrician (none other than Doctor Benjamin Spock);
4. A therapist
Unlike other parents of the day who considered therapy to be a last resort of the mentally ill, my mother thought it was a learning experience. She put me in therapy before I was three, after obtaining a health insurance policy that provided weekly therapy sessions for one dollar. I later joked that my mother would send me to a therapist if I came home from school with anything less than a B plus. I was exaggerating, but only a little bit. "
Her mother's belief in therapy undoubtedly contributed to Lerner's career choice. She decided to become a clinical psychologist before finishing kindergarten - a decision she never veered from.
EDUCATION AND CAREER
Lerner attended local public schools in Brooklyn including Midwood High School. She did her undergraduate work at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, where she majored in psychology and Indian studies. She spent her junior year studying and doing research in Delhi, India. Lerner received an M.A. in educational psychology from Teachers' College of Columbia University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the City University of New York. It was there that she met and later married Steve Lerner, also a clinical psychologist.
Harriet and Steve did a pre-doctoral internship at Mt. Zion Hospital in San Francisco and moved to Topeka, Kansas in 1972 for a two-year postdoctoral training program at the Menninger Foundation, where they subsequently joined the staff.
"We always planned to move back to Berkeley or New York,” says Lerner. “But two years in Topeka turned into two decades - and then some.” She now identifies herself as a Kansan and claims to have overcome her coastal arrogance. She has grown to love the simple life (meaning she has never had to learn to parallel park) and the big open skies. After Menninger closed shop in Topeka and moved to Houston, Lerner and her husband moved to Lawrence, Kansas where they currently have a private practice. They have two sons, Matt and Ben.
Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships, and for her many best-selling books. Feminism and family systems theory continue to inform her writing. She has dedicated her writing life to translating complex theory into accessible and useful prose, and has become one of our nation's most trusted and respected relationship experts.
Lerner's books have been published in more than thirty-five foreign editions. Her latest book (January 2012) is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up.
HONORS AND AWARDS (PARTIAL LISTING)
New York Distinguished Honor, National Anger Management Association
Kansas Distinguished Award for Literature
William Allen
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 320 reviews
March 26, 2011
You can't fix a relationship by focusing on the relationship. Since it is an act of teamwork, it can never be controlled by only one of its parts, and can never be more than the sum of those parts. But when one individual envisions what a healthy relationship is, and creates and acts out that vision on their end, many times the other half is inspired to follow and complete the vision. That is the idea behind this book, that strengthening the self will help so that self can be emotionally connected yet neither under- nor overpowering in a relationship. It is all a person can do to strengthen a relationship. It is all a person should do.
The under- or overpowering drives of a person are born from anxiety, which creates either fight or flight. This anxiety can be about the relationship itself, but most often springs from other aspects of that persons life, which are brought into a relationship where they do not belong.
When one person over- or under-functions in a relationship, they invite the other person to polarize and do the opposite. Then the two become caught in their fixed positions too long, often involving a third party (friend or other family member, often a child) to help solidify and validate their polarized positions more permanently.
If you want to know how to make a relationship better, not just with spouses but also family and even friends, then this is a simple and powerful how-to. It can improve any relationship by showing you how to be more yourself and less the player of a particular role.
The under- or overpowering drives of a person are born from anxiety, which creates either fight or flight. This anxiety can be about the relationship itself, but most often springs from other aspects of that persons life, which are brought into a relationship where they do not belong.
When one person over- or under-functions in a relationship, they invite the other person to polarize and do the opposite. Then the two become caught in their fixed positions too long, often involving a third party (friend or other family member, often a child) to help solidify and validate their polarized positions more permanently.
If you want to know how to make a relationship better, not just with spouses but also family and even friends, then this is a simple and powerful how-to. It can improve any relationship by showing you how to be more yourself and less the player of a particular role.
February 27, 2017
Another book I read and discussed with my daughter when she was in middle school.
Excellent
Excellent
December 25, 2011
I’ve had all this interaction recently with this particular gentleman who is involved in a couple of restraining orders and requests for no contact. The ladies who have asked him not to contact them have explained that their requests for no contact are an attempt to set definite boundaries and be clear that disrespectful treatment of them is unacceptable. Since they do not believe it is possible for him to contact them in a respectful manner, they don’t want him to contact them at all. “But,” the gentleman countered, “My boundaries require more contact!” This is so hilarious to me in the way that it points out the difficulties with just setting boundaries and speaking from a self-defining perspective that I think about it all the time. Sometimes, anxious interactions are not as simple as just taking focus off of blame and returning it to self-definition.
I guess, in honor of the holidays, this is sort of a review about a book about getting along with family, aka managing anxiety. I just finished reading The Dance of Intimacy, and I was going to actually review The Dance of Anger (I know, the titles just make my skin crawl, but whatever) because I think Anger is a better book and it seemed like Intimacy was almost the exact same book but not really as good, but it turns out that unbeknownst to me I actually already reviewed Anger a while back. And TONS of overshare! So, you’re welcome. They might actually be equals, and I just read Anger at a point in my life where I felt particularly guilty about self-definition, so it was more meaningful in validating my attempts to self-define. N E Way, I don’t dislike Intimacy, but, you might as well read Anger instead.
The books are about how any relationship we have – and by relationship, I just mean interaction with people, not necessarily romantic relationship – involves a given level of anxiety. And, often, we manage the anxiety either through over-functioning and pursuing or through under-functioning and distancing. Both of those options are reactive to the anxiety in the relationship, rather than self-defining. So, they actually undermine our attempts to understand who we are and be appreciated for that within the relationship and our attempts to understand and appreciate the other person.
The covers and titles of these books are very off-putting to me, but having read them, there is something that is interesting to me in the gendered nature of the books that is expressed in the titles and covers. Lerner approaches psychology and the study of relationships from a clearly feminist perspective, but she acknowledges and explores the idea that women are expected to shoulder the weight of maintaining and growing relationships. She doesn’t beat this idea into the ground, or approach it with outrage, but she takes it into consideration in a really comforting way.
I think acknowledging that is important because I think the imbalance can cause bitterness on either side. If it is unmanly to cultivate intimate relationships and manly to distance, men have to counteract society or wait for a woman (or man who is more comfortable counteracting society) to pursue them in order to have emotionally meaningful relationships. If the burden of pursuing emotional intimacy is on women, women have to counteract society in order to maintain self-definition in relationships. It isn’t fair to either gender. When I’m talking about the gendered expectations, I’m not assuming that any romantic relationship would be heterosexual, and Lerner doesn’t assume that either. I’m more talking about how each individual typically has to overcome their own social conditioning in all of their relationships, than how they have to overcome the other gender’s, if that makes sense. Two homosexual men in a relationship, therefore, would both presumably have a challenge in overcoming a socialized tendency to emotionally distance, particularly if that was emphasized in their families of origin.
Lerner expresses her choice to direct the books to women as an acknowledgment that it is just a reality that women are expected to manage relationships and are more likely to seek help to do so. While both Intimacy and Anger were written over twenty years ago, I think it is unfortunately still accurate to say that remains true today. I’m not trying to be bitter or bitchy about that, and I don’t feel bitter or bitchy about it, it is just unfortunately my experience that it is generally assumed to be masculine to distance and feminine to pursue intimacy.
Mostly, what I’m thinking about the covers and titles, though, is that they are there to catch women who have lost self-definition into some kind of generic Precious Moments of femininity. I’m positive that this is judgey of me, which I’m sorry about, but the aesthetics of them are just so stepford to me. In Intimacy, Lerner tells the story of reading a letter to the editor in Ms. magazine from a woman who explained that she needed to cancel her subscription because it caused her husband too much anxiety for her to read the magazine. I think these covers and titles are the brown paper bag that Lerner used to cloak her really academic analysis of relationships and advice to women to put themselves first in an acceptable cover that evokes the idea of traditional femininity. I mean, not that I think it is unacceptable to be drawn to the covers or titles, they just signal traditional gender roles to me, where the content of the books actually undermine them. I like that a lot. I think it is evocative of the 1950s melodramas, which I love.
In general, I like the substance of the book, and the stories are engaging, but it is pretty repetitive, especially if you have already read Anger. I skimmed a little by the end, to be quite honest. At the same time, it was a good refresher on the importance of acknowledging the actual sources of anxiety. It is pretty easy to say, look at my terrible, under-functioning roommate, all my problems are because of her, or, our family just needs to help little Joey get through his ADD behavior, and not acknowledge the actual sources of anxiety in our lives. Lerner talks a lot about anniversaries that we subconsciously remember – of divorce or illness or other huge stresses – and also how stressful events in our families of origin can be something that we displace onto other parts of our lives in order to manage. Since those are the type of thing I am already blocking, it is nice to have an outside person to remind me to locate the actual source of my anxiety. In sum, I really <3 Lerner, and I want to be like her when I grow up.
I guess, in honor of the holidays, this is sort of a review about a book about getting along with family, aka managing anxiety. I just finished reading The Dance of Intimacy, and I was going to actually review The Dance of Anger (I know, the titles just make my skin crawl, but whatever) because I think Anger is a better book and it seemed like Intimacy was almost the exact same book but not really as good, but it turns out that unbeknownst to me I actually already reviewed Anger a while back. And TONS of overshare! So, you’re welcome. They might actually be equals, and I just read Anger at a point in my life where I felt particularly guilty about self-definition, so it was more meaningful in validating my attempts to self-define. N E Way, I don’t dislike Intimacy, but, you might as well read Anger instead.
The books are about how any relationship we have – and by relationship, I just mean interaction with people, not necessarily romantic relationship – involves a given level of anxiety. And, often, we manage the anxiety either through over-functioning and pursuing or through under-functioning and distancing. Both of those options are reactive to the anxiety in the relationship, rather than self-defining. So, they actually undermine our attempts to understand who we are and be appreciated for that within the relationship and our attempts to understand and appreciate the other person.
The covers and titles of these books are very off-putting to me, but having read them, there is something that is interesting to me in the gendered nature of the books that is expressed in the titles and covers. Lerner approaches psychology and the study of relationships from a clearly feminist perspective, but she acknowledges and explores the idea that women are expected to shoulder the weight of maintaining and growing relationships. She doesn’t beat this idea into the ground, or approach it with outrage, but she takes it into consideration in a really comforting way.
I think acknowledging that is important because I think the imbalance can cause bitterness on either side. If it is unmanly to cultivate intimate relationships and manly to distance, men have to counteract society or wait for a woman (or man who is more comfortable counteracting society) to pursue them in order to have emotionally meaningful relationships. If the burden of pursuing emotional intimacy is on women, women have to counteract society in order to maintain self-definition in relationships. It isn’t fair to either gender. When I’m talking about the gendered expectations, I’m not assuming that any romantic relationship would be heterosexual, and Lerner doesn’t assume that either. I’m more talking about how each individual typically has to overcome their own social conditioning in all of their relationships, than how they have to overcome the other gender’s, if that makes sense. Two homosexual men in a relationship, therefore, would both presumably have a challenge in overcoming a socialized tendency to emotionally distance, particularly if that was emphasized in their families of origin.
Lerner expresses her choice to direct the books to women as an acknowledgment that it is just a reality that women are expected to manage relationships and are more likely to seek help to do so. While both Intimacy and Anger were written over twenty years ago, I think it is unfortunately still accurate to say that remains true today. I’m not trying to be bitter or bitchy about that, and I don’t feel bitter or bitchy about it, it is just unfortunately my experience that it is generally assumed to be masculine to distance and feminine to pursue intimacy.
Mostly, what I’m thinking about the covers and titles, though, is that they are there to catch women who have lost self-definition into some kind of generic Precious Moments of femininity. I’m positive that this is judgey of me, which I’m sorry about, but the aesthetics of them are just so stepford to me. In Intimacy, Lerner tells the story of reading a letter to the editor in Ms. magazine from a woman who explained that she needed to cancel her subscription because it caused her husband too much anxiety for her to read the magazine. I think these covers and titles are the brown paper bag that Lerner used to cloak her really academic analysis of relationships and advice to women to put themselves first in an acceptable cover that evokes the idea of traditional femininity. I mean, not that I think it is unacceptable to be drawn to the covers or titles, they just signal traditional gender roles to me, where the content of the books actually undermine them. I like that a lot. I think it is evocative of the 1950s melodramas, which I love.
In general, I like the substance of the book, and the stories are engaging, but it is pretty repetitive, especially if you have already read Anger. I skimmed a little by the end, to be quite honest. At the same time, it was a good refresher on the importance of acknowledging the actual sources of anxiety. It is pretty easy to say, look at my terrible, under-functioning roommate, all my problems are because of her, or, our family just needs to help little Joey get through his ADD behavior, and not acknowledge the actual sources of anxiety in our lives. Lerner talks a lot about anniversaries that we subconsciously remember – of divorce or illness or other huge stresses – and also how stressful events in our families of origin can be something that we displace onto other parts of our lives in order to manage. Since those are the type of thing I am already blocking, it is nice to have an outside person to remind me to locate the actual source of my anxiety. In sum, I really <3 Lerner, and I want to be like her when I grow up.
September 9, 2013
July 2013
Rereading with my sister.
I don't remember this book being so feminist!
Still the best self-help book I've ever read.
Over-functioning/under-functioning.
"The disruption caused by change can only be solved by more change" and change is usually met with pressure to change back.
“Paradoxically, we cannot navigate clearly within a relationship unless we can live without it. For women, this presents an obvious dilemma. Only a small minority of us have been encouraged to put our primary energy into formulating a life plan that neither requires nor excludes marriage.
“The real issue is that the role of homemaker places many women in a position of profound economic vulnerability.
“Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
August 2010
Read most of The Dance of Intimacy again. Still five stars.
August 2009
I read Dance of Anger as soon as I finished Dance of Intimacy. The lessons of each book are the same, just with different examples and a slightly different focus. I gave both books five stars because I like the subject so much and I think Lerner does a great job of clearly explaining how to practically apply the concepts.
I LOVE and embrace the concepts of patterns in relationships, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, family systems and triangles. The most powerful message I took from these books is when you are stuck in a pattern with another person that causes yourself anger/anxiety/frustration etc. you cannot change the other person, but you can change your own part in the pattern, thus changing the pattern (for better or worse). Both books are empowering and eye opening.
Favorite messages from Dance of Anger (paraphrased)
- Venting or suppressing anger does not solve the problem that anger signals.
- Once a pattern is established, both parties perpetuate that pattern.
Favorite quotes from Dance of Intimacy
- "We are always navigating relationships in the direction of greater or lesser degrees of self."
- "The will to change and the desire to maintain sameness coexist for good reason."
Rereading with my sister.
I don't remember this book being so feminist!
Still the best self-help book I've ever read.
Over-functioning/under-functioning.
"The disruption caused by change can only be solved by more change" and change is usually met with pressure to change back.
“Paradoxically, we cannot navigate clearly within a relationship unless we can live without it. For women, this presents an obvious dilemma. Only a small minority of us have been encouraged to put our primary energy into formulating a life plan that neither requires nor excludes marriage.
“The real issue is that the role of homemaker places many women in a position of profound economic vulnerability.
“Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
August 2010
Read most of The Dance of Intimacy again. Still five stars.
August 2009
I read Dance of Anger as soon as I finished Dance of Intimacy. The lessons of each book are the same, just with different examples and a slightly different focus. I gave both books five stars because I like the subject so much and I think Lerner does a great job of clearly explaining how to practically apply the concepts.
I LOVE and embrace the concepts of patterns in relationships, overfunctioning/underfunctioning, family systems and triangles. The most powerful message I took from these books is when you are stuck in a pattern with another person that causes yourself anger/anxiety/frustration etc. you cannot change the other person, but you can change your own part in the pattern, thus changing the pattern (for better or worse). Both books are empowering and eye opening.
Favorite messages from Dance of Anger (paraphrased)
- Venting or suppressing anger does not solve the problem that anger signals.
- Once a pattern is established, both parties perpetuate that pattern.
Favorite quotes from Dance of Intimacy
- "We are always navigating relationships in the direction of greater or lesser degrees of self."
- "The will to change and the desire to maintain sameness coexist for good reason."
September 19, 2017
I’m surprised about how many new ideas I got from this book considering it’s been around since the 80s. This is a feminist-influenced book, though, and anything tainted with that much secularism never made its way into my upbringing, so perhaps that’s why. I’m still making up for lost time.
While the key message -- about having healthy relationships by being true to yourself -- isn’t a particularly new idea for me, I did take away many new ideas:
If any of these resonate or pique your interest, you should probably read this book.
While the key message -- about having healthy relationships by being true to yourself -- isn’t a particularly new idea for me, I did take away many new ideas:
* The impact of your “first family” relationships on all your intimate relationships: “Family connectedness, even when these relationships are anxious and difficult, is a necessary prerequisite to conducting one’s own intimate relationships free from serious symptoms over time and free from excessive anxiety and reactivity. The more we manage intensity by cutting off from members of our own kinship group (extended family included), the more we bring that intensity into other relationships,”
* The concept of triangles -- not romantic affairs -- but how pressure in a dyad (two people in a relationship) sometimes lets out steam towards a third connected person. Watch for the triangles, which sometimes conceal the deeper issue.
* The wisdom of not initiating big, dramatic changes in your relationships, but instead small incremental nudges toward more healthy functioning.
* The concepts of overfunctioning and underfunctioning. (How had I never heard of this?)
* The power of relating to someone’s competence (when you are frustrated with someone who is under-functioning)
* The connection between anxiety and polarizing, which I’d never realized before: “Working to keep anxiety down is a priority, because anxiety drives reactivity, which drives polarities.”
If any of these resonate or pique your interest, you should probably read this book.
May 1, 2025
I urgently read this to support myself in supporting others as a mediator and facilitator! The chapter on triangles was particularly helpful for the specific cases I’m navigating, and I also really appreciated the emphasis on self-focus. I’m sitting too with the lesson about the need to move slowly when tensions are high.
Where I struggled with this book was the analysis around cutoffs: 1) there are so many situations where the cutoff is necessary to protect a person’s dignity, safety, and wellbeing, and there have to be ways to tend to that loss that don’t involve reconnecting, and 2) continuing to communicate with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you, and has told you so, feels like somewhat of a boundary violation. I also felt like a lot of her recommendations simply don’t work in interdependent communities. There seemed to be this assumption that people could just say “I accept that that’s where you’re at” and hang up the phone and stay connected, when a lot of conflicts are between people who live together and rely on each other. This is certainly what’s coming up in my life and the contexts of folks I’m supporting, and so I found myself thinking that, yeah, a lot of the boundaries proposed could work if we weren’t directly impacted by the actions of others and didn’t need each other, but many of us need each other.
so many valuable lessons in this book, and some significant shortcomings too!
Where I struggled with this book was the analysis around cutoffs: 1) there are so many situations where the cutoff is necessary to protect a person’s dignity, safety, and wellbeing, and there have to be ways to tend to that loss that don’t involve reconnecting, and 2) continuing to communicate with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you, and has told you so, feels like somewhat of a boundary violation. I also felt like a lot of her recommendations simply don’t work in interdependent communities. There seemed to be this assumption that people could just say “I accept that that’s where you’re at” and hang up the phone and stay connected, when a lot of conflicts are between people who live together and rely on each other. This is certainly what’s coming up in my life and the contexts of folks I’m supporting, and so I found myself thinking that, yeah, a lot of the boundaries proposed could work if we weren’t directly impacted by the actions of others and didn’t need each other, but many of us need each other.
so many valuable lessons in this book, and some significant shortcomings too!
October 5, 2014
Perfect book for improving one self on how to be intimate with others. I love the section on how to do self focus. I have a difficult time with this. I tend to do the whole "You do this and this.." whereas I need to focus on my self. "I feel this.." "I feel so and so.." I also like the section on settings limits. I like how she uses examples of different people and their relationships. It really shows how people react differently to situations and how like for instance where the daughter was reacting to her alcoholic father and how it affected her.. how he caused her stress, problems, etc. However, when she placed her limits on him and then this caused the rest of her family to change.. this then caused her father to change himself.
I really like this book.
I really like this book.
December 7, 2015
The Dance of Intimacy is written as a guide for women who are seeking to deepen the intimacy in their important relationships. It had a lot of great advice and insight, and I found it to be equally applicable to my situation as a man. The author takes a perspective that is strongly feminist and also very compassionate towards individual men.
The author starts from the perspective that having intimate relationships with others requires first having a strong connection with yourself. She talks about being self-focused without being self-centered. She next discusses the fact at you can't change other people, you can only change your own behavior. If someone makes changes to be more self-connected and open to connection with others, that can make it easier for others to connect.
A lot of the book focuses on how current problems with intimate partners can be caused by past problems in a person's "first family". If someone has a poor relationship with their parents, for example, that can manifest as strain in their current relationship. The author believes this is so important that she advises people to create charts showing the major life events of all family members going back three generations. That's a bit much for me right now, but all of the other advice she gives seems very usable.
The book also has a focus on triangular relationships that can result when a third party is pulled in to stabilize the relationship between two people. While this kind of triangle can be stabilizing, it can also freeze the original relationship into a state that can't improve.
The book is a very compassionate look into how people can make changes in themselves that may result in better relationships with others. It doesn't give a step by step process to change. Instead, it focuses on ways that relationships can often develop or get stuck, and gives insight into things that can lead to more intimacy. I highly recommend it.
The author starts from the perspective that having intimate relationships with others requires first having a strong connection with yourself. She talks about being self-focused without being self-centered. She next discusses the fact at you can't change other people, you can only change your own behavior. If someone makes changes to be more self-connected and open to connection with others, that can make it easier for others to connect.
A lot of the book focuses on how current problems with intimate partners can be caused by past problems in a person's "first family". If someone has a poor relationship with their parents, for example, that can manifest as strain in their current relationship. The author believes this is so important that she advises people to create charts showing the major life events of all family members going back three generations. That's a bit much for me right now, but all of the other advice she gives seems very usable.
The book also has a focus on triangular relationships that can result when a third party is pulled in to stabilize the relationship between two people. While this kind of triangle can be stabilizing, it can also freeze the original relationship into a state that can't improve.
The book is a very compassionate look into how people can make changes in themselves that may result in better relationships with others. It doesn't give a step by step process to change. Instead, it focuses on ways that relationships can often develop or get stuck, and gives insight into things that can lead to more intimacy. I highly recommend it.
August 7, 2018
I was attracted by this book's kitschy cover — and the idea of reading a feminist self-help book from the 80s — when I found this in a mini-library on a residential street in Toronto. I didn't expect to love it so much, not at all, but I do. The Dance of Intimacy encourages close analysis of "first family" dynamics as a way of understanding how individuals, from an early age, learn to map themselves around others. It provides a framework for understanding how adults function in close relationships, how we express anxiety through action and apparent non-action, and what steps we might take to better understand our particular set of coping behaviours and how they came to be.
Most appealing is the author's holistic approach to “problems.” Often, she suggests, what we perceive as a ‘problem’ is actually a symptom or solution, a subconsciously wrought attempt at balancing energetic needs in the room. Relational beings that we are, we are in consistent effort to balance the personalities, selves and pseudo-selves involved in our field of relation. That is all to say that we are reflections of each other, our implicit needs, fears, and desires. For example, a child acting out at school or at home might be, however subconsciously, opening the floodgates to the unexpressed anxiety in a household, in the fallout of an underacknowledged family stress or otherwise. Though the child appears problematic, they are symptomatic. They have enacted a position that allows the family to zoom into anxious focus, to externalize their own pent-up stress. The "black sheep" is sometimes, more accurately, the sacrificial lamb... I have never read something so forgiving. Required reading for all products of emotionally-congested families.
Most appealing is the author's holistic approach to “problems.” Often, she suggests, what we perceive as a ‘problem’ is actually a symptom or solution, a subconsciously wrought attempt at balancing energetic needs in the room. Relational beings that we are, we are in consistent effort to balance the personalities, selves and pseudo-selves involved in our field of relation. That is all to say that we are reflections of each other, our implicit needs, fears, and desires. For example, a child acting out at school or at home might be, however subconsciously, opening the floodgates to the unexpressed anxiety in a household, in the fallout of an underacknowledged family stress or otherwise. Though the child appears problematic, they are symptomatic. They have enacted a position that allows the family to zoom into anxious focus, to externalize their own pent-up stress. The "black sheep" is sometimes, more accurately, the sacrificial lamb... I have never read something so forgiving. Required reading for all products of emotionally-congested families.
December 26, 2010
It's a pity that I read this so many years after reading The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, because I no longer remember The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships well enough to tell you whether the two books are redundant. The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships rocked my world when I read it, in part because I was having difficulty understanding my Bowenian supervisor and The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships clarified what she was trying to teach me. At this point, though, having read a great deal more Harriet Goldhor Lerner I wasn't quite as moved by The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships. I feel a bit bad taking off stars for that reason but I justify it on two counts: 1) this is a subjective review, and reading this book was a three-star experience for me regardless of the reasons, and 2) the feminist agenda detracted for me. My feelings about feminism are a bit complicated and Harriet's feminist interjections and comparisons were off-topic and distracting for me.
Having said that, although I suspect that many of the concepts in The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships were the same recycled Bowen concepts introduced to us in The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, it certainly doesn't hurt to revisit these ideas, especially if you're interested in reinforcing your competence in Bowen theory. Harriet offers new explanations and examples which are helpful in fleshing out the relationship insights of The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Had I read The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships first, I might have a different reaction.
Having said that, although I suspect that many of the concepts in The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships were the same recycled Bowen concepts introduced to us in The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, it certainly doesn't hurt to revisit these ideas, especially if you're interested in reinforcing your competence in Bowen theory. Harriet offers new explanations and examples which are helpful in fleshing out the relationship insights of The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. Had I read The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships first, I might have a different reaction.
July 30, 2012
I first became interested in "family systems process" through Rich Bledsoe. This particular book, despite a "chick-ish" title, was very helpful as an introduction to family systems, overfunctioning, underfunctioning, and triangulation. The theory of family systems process counseling revolves around the idea that there are multigenerational patterns of dysfuction in family history. The suggestion is that at moments of great crisis and anxiety in our past families we tend to fall into similar patterns. Often the "problem" person in a family is falsely labeled that, and that person is simply the scapegoat and focal point for the stress and anxiety of the family triangle. Thus, if such can be identified, the system imprisoning the individuals may be broken and better social functioning established.
April 1, 2016
A challenging read - as in, it took me several months to get through, usually with a notebook in front of me writing down key sentences. This highlighted some of my habits and patterns that keep me "stuck" in relationships - work, family, friends, and romance.
The emphasis on **self-work** was so strong and so important. We don't build stronger relationships by insisting that the other change, we must evaluate and adjust our own perceptions and behaviors to more accurately reflect our true selves, and negotiate how to honor and express that true self honestly and safely in the relationship.
I have to admit, the sentence I just wrote is one that I'd have dismissed as mumbo-jumbo not too long ago, but going through this book slowly gave me the time to process and internalize these tough concepts. And now, the really hard work of applying them.
I'll also mention that I had already begun this book while I was listening to Brene Brown's "Rising Strong", and was stoked when Brene referred to Harriet Lerner as a mentor of hers.
The emphasis on **self-work** was so strong and so important. We don't build stronger relationships by insisting that the other change, we must evaluate and adjust our own perceptions and behaviors to more accurately reflect our true selves, and negotiate how to honor and express that true self honestly and safely in the relationship.
I have to admit, the sentence I just wrote is one that I'd have dismissed as mumbo-jumbo not too long ago, but going through this book slowly gave me the time to process and internalize these tough concepts. And now, the really hard work of applying them.
I'll also mention that I had already begun this book while I was listening to Brene Brown's "Rising Strong", and was stoked when Brene referred to Harriet Lerner as a mentor of hers.
November 21, 2010
Outstanding book. Keeper. A woman's guide to courageous acts of change in key relationships. In the Dance of Intimacy, the bestselling author of the Dance of Anger outline the steps to take so that good relationships where intimacy is most challenged by distance, intensity, or pain and she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples (love it) Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, helpful book on intimate relationships that both women and men may ever encounter.
March 14, 2012
This was a tremendously beneficial read for me. Harriet Lerner develops and shares a conceptual and practical framework regarding relationships and communication towards intimacy that really hit home. She uses case studies to show familial interactions that impede or destroy the development of true intimacy. Within these case studies I could view bits and pieces of inappropriate reactions and interventions I so often resorted to in dealing with my loved ones.This book was a wake up call at best as Lerner offers so many valuable ways to bring fuller personal intimacy to one's daily life if one has the courage and commitment to employ her techniques.
September 1, 2010
This is one of those books that I wish I haven't read! It clearly exposes the patterns and unconscious behaviours we engage in in our relationships. And once exposed I can't just keep doing the same old thing and have to change. And change is difficult, like the book keeps emphasising over and over again.
Read at your own risk, recommended only for those motivated to work to make their relationships more harmonious and to maintain the illusive balance between "I" and "we".
Read at your own risk, recommended only for those motivated to work to make their relationships more harmonious and to maintain the illusive balance between "I" and "we".
June 22, 2017
Y'all I don't know about you, but I could listen to Harriet Lerner write about anything. Her writing, humor, and intellect all feel like a big hug. Definitely recommend this book as a light, beginning read for anyone trying to figure out how to make necessary but difficult changes in their most important relationships.
August 9, 2019
I read this because I read Dance of Anger which was good. I thought this one would be on a slightly different topic of intimate connections with romantic relationships but it wasn’t. It was the same as Dance of Anger about tensions with family members in general. It was good, but I think Dance of Anger was better.
July 12, 2017
This book offers a number of fascinating insights on how interpersonal relationships work, and especially how they fail, through intricate chain reactions within family systems. The author is an experienced therapist and knows how to communicate the insights of her profession very clearly, illustrated with a number of concrete case studies. The author discusses several coping mechanisms for managing anxiety (overfunctioning, underfunctioning, distancing, pursuing, and other-focus) and how they grow and bolster each other within relationship networks, increasing *intensity* but decreasing *intimacy* within key relationships.
While I appreciated the feminist perspective shared within the context of Lerner's theories, I think it's a disservice to the book to position it mainly as in women's interest. This is a great book for anyone who wants to expand their capacity for healthy relationships and generally better understand their own responses to anxiety.
While I appreciated the feminist perspective shared within the context of Lerner's theories, I think it's a disservice to the book to position it mainly as in women's interest. This is a great book for anyone who wants to expand their capacity for healthy relationships and generally better understand their own responses to anxiety.
December 8, 2012
A few people I've recommended this book to recently are making the wrong assumption based on the unfortunate title and the new cover.
THIS IS NOT A BOOK ABOUT DATING/ROMANTIC/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. At least, not any moreso than it's about parents and children, siblings, friends, and other relationships.
Lerner addresses the give and take of relationships and the kind of power struggles and manipulation that can become second nature. The tone of the book might be a bit dated to 2nd wave feminism, but the premises and practicalities of the book hold true and could be helpful to anyone who wants to untangle their inner life and relationships.
THIS IS NOT A BOOK ABOUT DATING/ROMANTIC/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. At least, not any moreso than it's about parents and children, siblings, friends, and other relationships.
Lerner addresses the give and take of relationships and the kind of power struggles and manipulation that can become second nature. The tone of the book might be a bit dated to 2nd wave feminism, but the premises and practicalities of the book hold true and could be helpful to anyone who wants to untangle their inner life and relationships.
December 9, 2017
I liked Dance of Anger more than this one. Learner is pretty adamant that you can solve most of your problems in life if you work out the issues in your first family. I am not a psychotherapist, but I genuinely believe that there are some toxic people that need to be cut out of a persons life for healthy forward movement. For example, when I got to the chapter where she was helping a girl reestablish contact with someone who committed incest with her, she totally lost me. I think the basic ways in which we handle stress that she covers in the first book were interesting and helpful. Some of those concepts are covered here.
February 8, 2012
Normally, I find 'self-help' books a struggle to read and, even if they are informative, I am usually very glad to finish them as the reading is so dry. Not so with Harriet Lerner's books. Whatever book I am reading of hers is always my favorite. The Dance of Anger is excellent in addressing overfunctioning/underfunctioning roles. This book continues to deal with influencing change by focusing on yourself but deals more with understanding triangles. I have already downloaded another Harriet Lerner book to my kindle from the library as I love all of her books.
June 14, 2008
Along with Dance of Anger, the best book for understanding how relationship problems are mutually created and perpetuated. Brilliantly written.
Want to read
September 1, 2009Recommended by my therapist...
September 12, 2015
Author was recommended by counselor. While dated and hetero normative, still had lots of excellent core material. I may have enjoyed it because it reaffirmed a number my own conclusions.
January 28, 2023
Especially from the rare books that need to be taught and explained to the people of this country "forcibly" or even by force and trickery.
You ask why?
Because we don't know what are the criteria of behavior in human relations.
Because when communication is between men and women, we experience a metamorphosis, we acquire false Decencies.
Because the level of communication with our loved ones is quite low.
Besides these, there is another painful situation for the people of this country, which is the incomprehensibility and incomprehensibility caused by communication incompetence at such a high level that a person does not even have a thought to empathize with his loved one. Based on this, the path to violence against women is being opened. Especially domestic violence.
It should be taught by force and deception, because within the framework of the situation I'm talking about, my country is now in the position of a potential killer because it loves a man. Whether it's dad, big brother, lover... Every man is now a potential criminal. The only way to overcome this will be by breaking down limited perceptions one by one and paving the way for development and change.
Harriet Lerner has also written a tremendous book for women at this point in order for a woman to surpass herself and not stand in the way of change. Since you cannot read such constructive books from the rotten mentality of the patriarchy, I suggest that men also read this book from the pen of a woman, from her world.
Especially the knowledge and experiences it contains about a woman doing the right thing in her relationships with her close environment are very useful and guiding. Although the person in front of you has been connected to you by blood, with the family wallet, he tells us that this does not mean being connected, but that the real connection is through communication and understanding, and through being able to feel by understanding it.
The fact that the book is called dancing selves is a nice detail that should also be mentioned. Because if you have created a non-dancing self, then you are not living. I wish you pleasant reading and changes.
You ask why?
Because we don't know what are the criteria of behavior in human relations.
Because when communication is between men and women, we experience a metamorphosis, we acquire false Decencies.
Because the level of communication with our loved ones is quite low.
Besides these, there is another painful situation for the people of this country, which is the incomprehensibility and incomprehensibility caused by communication incompetence at such a high level that a person does not even have a thought to empathize with his loved one. Based on this, the path to violence against women is being opened. Especially domestic violence.
It should be taught by force and deception, because within the framework of the situation I'm talking about, my country is now in the position of a potential killer because it loves a man. Whether it's dad, big brother, lover... Every man is now a potential criminal. The only way to overcome this will be by breaking down limited perceptions one by one and paving the way for development and change.
Harriet Lerner has also written a tremendous book for women at this point in order for a woman to surpass herself and not stand in the way of change. Since you cannot read such constructive books from the rotten mentality of the patriarchy, I suggest that men also read this book from the pen of a woman, from her world.
Especially the knowledge and experiences it contains about a woman doing the right thing in her relationships with her close environment are very useful and guiding. Although the person in front of you has been connected to you by blood, with the family wallet, he tells us that this does not mean being connected, but that the real connection is through communication and understanding, and through being able to feel by understanding it.
The fact that the book is called dancing selves is a nice detail that should also be mentioned. Because if you have created a non-dancing self, then you are not living. I wish you pleasant reading and changes.
March 30, 2024
Although written primarily and very clearly for women, this book was recommended to me by my therapist and I'm very glad that she did. It is the pursuit and retreat cycle of relationships, in which one person distances while the other seeks to become closer, that I was told about prior to reading and I believe this is at the core of the book. However, this is more broadly a book about being willing to change, told through stories of those impacted. "In no case was change easy or comfortable," but these stories tell us how to pursue it.
The book argues that intimacy is more than just intensity, and it's important to make "responsible changes" to sustain it. Being reflective and a good listener are core lessons, as is the idea that one should focus on fixing the self and not trying to change others. From my perspective, I would say that it is often the most basic lessons that books like this that really stick. Since I accidentally got an abridged audiobook, it went by very quickly and I may have lost information, but I recommend this book in any form to people who want to improve their relationships, whether romantic or platonic or familial.
The book argues that intimacy is more than just intensity, and it's important to make "responsible changes" to sustain it. Being reflective and a good listener are core lessons, as is the idea that one should focus on fixing the self and not trying to change others. From my perspective, I would say that it is often the most basic lessons that books like this that really stick. Since I accidentally got an abridged audiobook, it went by very quickly and I may have lost information, but I recommend this book in any form to people who want to improve their relationships, whether romantic or platonic or familial.
August 31, 2020
I listened to this book from the library. Thank you, Libby.
I was introduced to Harriet Lerner from Brene Brown's podcast. They talked about effective apologies. I learned a lot and liked Harriet Lerner's style and voice and started looking for other books by her. That's what brought me to this book.
I didn't really know what she meant by intimacy. I assumed it was going to be about married couples, but it had a wider view of intimacy. I'm glad it was different than the narrow idea I had in my mind.
My main takeaway from this book and others by her is to put your energy into yourself rather than focusing on changing others. I've heard this messaging before and from other sources, but it's starting to hit home.
I like Harriet Lerner's voice and what she's teaching me.
I was introduced to Harriet Lerner from Brene Brown's podcast. They talked about effective apologies. I learned a lot and liked Harriet Lerner's style and voice and started looking for other books by her. That's what brought me to this book.
I didn't really know what she meant by intimacy. I assumed it was going to be about married couples, but it had a wider view of intimacy. I'm glad it was different than the narrow idea I had in my mind.
My main takeaway from this book and others by her is to put your energy into yourself rather than focusing on changing others. I've heard this messaging before and from other sources, but it's starting to hit home.
I like Harriet Lerner's voice and what she's teaching me.
March 21, 2012
The Dance of INTIMACY : A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
By Harriet G. Lerner, PH.D 1989
In this wonderful book, Dr. Learner emphasizes the importance of making a pictorial representation of the facts of a family system for at least three generations. She asserts that these “anniversaries” in our first family have significant import in understanding ourselves and the cycles we repeat in future relationships.
I gave this book to my mom hoping we would make this genogram or family diagram together. She’s gone now and I regret that the information is lost.
I’m writing this book report at a crisis point in my 60th year of life and hope you my followers and fans will find this info helpful; it is given in love!
Fighting, blaming, silence and distance all protect us from navigating our separateness from one another. “Separateness refers to the preservation of the “I” within the “we” – the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness. How well we do this within our own kinship group largely determines our capacity for intimacy elsewhere, and influences how well we will manage other relationships throughout our lives.
“This is especially true between mothers and daughters. With our beliefs about ‘women’s place’ shifting so dramatically over the past two decades, it is no surprise that mothers, in particular, may react strongly to their daughters’; declaration of themselves as different from the generations of women who have come before.
“Laying the groundwork from intimacy is such a difficult challenge because what we do ‘naturally’ will naturally take us in the wrong direction…. Our normal and reflexive ways of managing anxiety inevitably lead us to participate in patterns, polarities, and triangles that keep us painfully stuck.
“Intimacy can happen only after we work toward a more solid self, based on a clear understanding of our part in the relationship patterns that keep us stuck.
“It is always important for us to be aware of feelings. Our feelings exist for good reason and so deserve our attention and respect. Even uncomfortable feelings that we might prefer to avoid, such as anger and depression, may serve to preserve the dignity and integrity of the self. They signal a problem, remind us that business cannot continue as usual, and ultimately speak to the necessity for change. But as I explained in The Dance of Anger, venting feelings does not necessarily solve the problem causing us pain.
“Venting our feelings may clear (or muddy) the air, and may leave us feeling better (or worse). When we live in close quarters with someone, strong emotional exchanges are just a predictable part of the picture and it’s nice to know that our relationships can survive or even be enhanced by them. But venting feelings, in and of itself, will not change the relationship dances that block real intimacy and get us into trouble. In stuck relationships, venting feelings may only rigidify old patterns, ensuring that change will not occur.
“In some instances, a passionate display of intensity is a turning point, even in a stuck relationship, because it indicates to ourselves and others that we “really mean it.” It is part of a process in which we move toward clarifying the limits of what is acceptable and what is not. But just as frequently the opposite is true; reactivity serves to ‘let off steam,’ following which things will continue as usual. Reactivity and intensity often breed more of the same. When it becomes chronic, reactivity blocks self focus, which is the only foundation on which an intimate relationship can be built.
“Every courageous act of change… requires a move toward greater selfhood or self-focus….. We need to understand, however, that self-focus does not mean self-blame. It does not mean that we view our selves as the ‘cause’ of our problems, or that we view our struggles as being isolated from the broader context of family and culture. It certainly does not mean that we remain silent in the face of discrimination, unfairness, and injustice.
“Self-focus requires more than an appreciation of the fact that we cannot change the other person and that doing so is not our job. It also requires a transformation of consciousness, a different world view from what comes naturally. I refer here to the challenge of truly appreciating how little we can know about human behavior and how impossible it is to be an expert on the other person…. We cannot know how and when another person is ready to work on something and how she or he (and others) will tolerate the consequences of change.
“Slowly moving toward more connectedness rather than more distance with members of our own kinship group is one of the best insurance policies for bringing a more solid self to other relationships.
“Paradoxically, we cannot navigate clearly within a relationship unless we can live without it. For women, this presents an obvious dilemma. Only a small minority of us have been encouraged to put our primary energy into formulating a life plan that neither requires nor excludes marriage.
“The real issue is that the role of homemaker places many women in a position of profound economic vulnerability.
“Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
“Because of our condition of inequality, it is easy to feel powerless and to view women as ineffective agents of change. But, as we are learning, nothing could be further from the truth.”
By Harriet G. Lerner, PH.D 1989
In this wonderful book, Dr. Learner emphasizes the importance of making a pictorial representation of the facts of a family system for at least three generations. She asserts that these “anniversaries” in our first family have significant import in understanding ourselves and the cycles we repeat in future relationships.
I gave this book to my mom hoping we would make this genogram or family diagram together. She’s gone now and I regret that the information is lost.
I’m writing this book report at a crisis point in my 60th year of life and hope you my followers and fans will find this info helpful; it is given in love!
Fighting, blaming, silence and distance all protect us from navigating our separateness from one another. “Separateness refers to the preservation of the “I” within the “we” – the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness. How well we do this within our own kinship group largely determines our capacity for intimacy elsewhere, and influences how well we will manage other relationships throughout our lives.
“This is especially true between mothers and daughters. With our beliefs about ‘women’s place’ shifting so dramatically over the past two decades, it is no surprise that mothers, in particular, may react strongly to their daughters’; declaration of themselves as different from the generations of women who have come before.
“Laying the groundwork from intimacy is such a difficult challenge because what we do ‘naturally’ will naturally take us in the wrong direction…. Our normal and reflexive ways of managing anxiety inevitably lead us to participate in patterns, polarities, and triangles that keep us painfully stuck.
“Intimacy can happen only after we work toward a more solid self, based on a clear understanding of our part in the relationship patterns that keep us stuck.
“It is always important for us to be aware of feelings. Our feelings exist for good reason and so deserve our attention and respect. Even uncomfortable feelings that we might prefer to avoid, such as anger and depression, may serve to preserve the dignity and integrity of the self. They signal a problem, remind us that business cannot continue as usual, and ultimately speak to the necessity for change. But as I explained in The Dance of Anger, venting feelings does not necessarily solve the problem causing us pain.
“Venting our feelings may clear (or muddy) the air, and may leave us feeling better (or worse). When we live in close quarters with someone, strong emotional exchanges are just a predictable part of the picture and it’s nice to know that our relationships can survive or even be enhanced by them. But venting feelings, in and of itself, will not change the relationship dances that block real intimacy and get us into trouble. In stuck relationships, venting feelings may only rigidify old patterns, ensuring that change will not occur.
“In some instances, a passionate display of intensity is a turning point, even in a stuck relationship, because it indicates to ourselves and others that we “really mean it.” It is part of a process in which we move toward clarifying the limits of what is acceptable and what is not. But just as frequently the opposite is true; reactivity serves to ‘let off steam,’ following which things will continue as usual. Reactivity and intensity often breed more of the same. When it becomes chronic, reactivity blocks self focus, which is the only foundation on which an intimate relationship can be built.
“Every courageous act of change… requires a move toward greater selfhood or self-focus….. We need to understand, however, that self-focus does not mean self-blame. It does not mean that we view our selves as the ‘cause’ of our problems, or that we view our struggles as being isolated from the broader context of family and culture. It certainly does not mean that we remain silent in the face of discrimination, unfairness, and injustice.
“Self-focus requires more than an appreciation of the fact that we cannot change the other person and that doing so is not our job. It also requires a transformation of consciousness, a different world view from what comes naturally. I refer here to the challenge of truly appreciating how little we can know about human behavior and how impossible it is to be an expert on the other person…. We cannot know how and when another person is ready to work on something and how she or he (and others) will tolerate the consequences of change.
“Slowly moving toward more connectedness rather than more distance with members of our own kinship group is one of the best insurance policies for bringing a more solid self to other relationships.
“Paradoxically, we cannot navigate clearly within a relationship unless we can live without it. For women, this presents an obvious dilemma. Only a small minority of us have been encouraged to put our primary energy into formulating a life plan that neither requires nor excludes marriage.
“The real issue is that the role of homemaker places many women in a position of profound economic vulnerability.
“Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
“Because of our condition of inequality, it is easy to feel powerless and to view women as ineffective agents of change. But, as we are learning, nothing could be further from the truth.”
February 13, 2021
3.5
Parts of this book were dry for me; however, I think that’s natural with this genre since not all of the ‘revelations’ will be new for you.
I enjoyed the second half much more when she spoke of over-functioning individuals (me) in relationships. This book made me think of my relationship with my little sister more than anything.... I wish I had this a long time ago. It would’ve helped me learn how to just listen versus reacting with advice due to my own anxieties. It made me feel really sad in a new way, but I needed it to identify my part.
Parts of this book were dry for me; however, I think that’s natural with this genre since not all of the ‘revelations’ will be new for you.
I enjoyed the second half much more when she spoke of over-functioning individuals (me) in relationships. This book made me think of my relationship with my little sister more than anything.... I wish I had this a long time ago. It would’ve helped me learn how to just listen versus reacting with advice due to my own anxieties. It made me feel really sad in a new way, but I needed it to identify my part.
February 12, 2023
2.5
I didn't care for the content. The language and terminology was outdated. I pulled a few things from it, but not much that I felt was knew or mind-blowing. I feel that I've read some more current books with more application examples and current living styles or mind of thinking. . . Especially between men and woman. Reading this material now, shows how much we've grown over the years and I love that part of it. I'm sure during it's 1st punishing days, it was a top current book with relatable content.
I didn't care for the content. The language and terminology was outdated. I pulled a few things from it, but not much that I felt was knew or mind-blowing. I feel that I've read some more current books with more application examples and current living styles or mind of thinking. . . Especially between men and woman. Reading this material now, shows how much we've grown over the years and I love that part of it. I'm sure during it's 1st punishing days, it was a top current book with relatable content.
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