My Custom Van Quotes

“The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.

You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.

But I really don't think I am.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“I hope you die....

P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

“Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.”
― Michael Ian Black, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face