Friars Club Private Joke File Quotes

“A woman goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting, she gets in. “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asks. “Well,” she says, “my husband is a compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles away. I had five hundred dollars and in order to hide it from him, I stuffed it in my vagina—but now I can’t get it out.” “Don’t be nervous. I see this sort of thing all the time.” He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open, puts his gloves on and says, “I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Three nuns are talking. The first one says, “I was cleaning Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the second nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” “Well, I can top that,” says the second nun. “I was in Father’s room putting away his laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasps the first nun. “What did you do?” “I poked holes in all of them!” At which point, the third nun faints.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on three legs. The preacher stops the farmer and says, “My son, what’s happened to your poor pig?” “Well,” says the farmer, “this pig is very special to my family and me. Just two months ago, I was working underneath my tractor when the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out, and pulled me away from the tractor.” “That’s very commendable,” says the preacher, “but—” “That’s not all, preacher. Last week, my house caught fire and my pig pulled my two young daughters to safety. The little fella even received a hero’s gold ribbon from the mayor.” “That’s marvelous,” says the preacher, “but that still doesn’t explain the missing leg.” “Like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and, well, we just can’t bring ourselves to eat it all at once.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Two women friends are having a Girls’ Night Out, and have been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Weaving their way home, they realize that they need to pee. They’re near a graveyard—so they decide to do their business behind a headstone. The first woman has nothing to wipe with so she takes off her panties, uses them, and throws them away. Her friend, however, is wearing a rather expensive pair and doesn’t want to ruin hers. She manages to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath on one of the graves and proceeds to wipe herself with that. Soon, they’re heading for home. The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and says, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” says the other husband. “Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, “From All of Us at the Fire Station, We’ll Never Forget You.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t...I put them in your tackle box!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A couple is invited to a swanky masked Halloween party but she gets a terrible headache and tells him to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protests, but she insists that she is going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there is no reason he shouldn’t go ahead and have a good time. So he takes his costume and off he goes. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakens without pain and decides to go to the party after all. Since her husband won’t recognize her in her costume, she thinks she might have some fun watching him in secret. She soon spots her husband cavorting on the dance floor, dancing with every pretty girl he can, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Being a rather seductive babe herself, the wife ventures onto the dance floor to entice her own husband away from his current partner. She lets him go as far as he wishes, naturally, since he is, after all, her husband. Finally he whispers a little proposition in her ear and she agrees. Off they go to his parked car for a little bang. Just before midnight, when the party guests are planning to unmask and reveal their identities, she slips away, goes home, stashes her costume, and gets into bed, wondering what his husband will report about the evening. She is sitting up reading when he comes in. “How was it?” she asks, nonchalantly. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” “Did you dance much?” “I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and they are both smoking. Suddenly, it starts to pour. One of the women takes a condom out of her purse, cuts the end off, and slips it over her cigarette. “What are you doing?” the other woman inquires. “I don’t like it when my cigarette gets wet so I cover it with a condom.” “That’s quite a handy device. Where did you get it?” “At the pharmacy, of course.” The next day, her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a condom. “What size?” asks the clerk. “I don’t know. . . one that will fit a Camel.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A grandfather asks his grandson what he did today. “Today I played with my choo-choo and I fell down and got a boo-boo on my knee.” “Now, Timmy, you’re a big boy. You should say, ‘Today I played with my trains and I fell down and got an abrasion on my knee.’ Okay?” “Okay, I’ve got it. I say ‘train’ and ‘abrasion.’” “You’re a good boy. Now, Grandpa’s going to read you a story. Which one would you like?” “How about Winnie the Shit?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A beautiful young woman wants to meet Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to move on to the next house when the gorgeous redhead says in a sexy voice, “Oh, Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.” Santa replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl drops her robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties, and says in her most flirtatious tone, “Oh, Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while...” Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh, Santa... please... stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” She loses the panties and says, “Oh, Santa... please... stay....” Santa, trembling, says, “HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s mother for the very first time and is understandably nervous. Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy. He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future mother-in-law, when suddenly a small fart escapes from him. “Rover!” the woman yells. “Whew,” the man thinks, “she’s blaming the dog!” Emboldened, he leans to his side and farts a little more. “Rover!” the woman yells again. “Ha!” the man thinks. “I’ve got it made now!” He leans a little further and unleashes a gigantic fart. “Rover!” the woman screams. “Get over here before that pervert shits on you!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“One day, Janey becomes puzzled about her origins. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks. “Why, God sent you, honey.” “And did God send you too, Mommy?” “Yes, sweetheart, he did.” “And Daddy, and Grandma, and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?” “Yes, baby, all of them, too.” The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over two hundred years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Four men get together at a reunion. Three of them have sons and they start bragging about them, while the fourth guy leaves to take a leak. The first man says his son is doing so well, he now owns a factory for manufacturing furniture. “Why, just the other day he gave his best friend furniture for his new house.” The second man says his son is doing just as well. He is a manager at an exclusive car dealership. “Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.” The third man says his son was thriving, too. He is a manager at a bank. “Why, just the other day he gave his best friend money to buy a house.” The fourth man comes back from the bathroom, and the other three tell him that they’ve been discussing their very successful sons. He just shakes his head and says his son is gay and hasn’t amounted to much—but he must be doing something right, because in the past few weeks he’s been given a house, furniture, and a Ferrari by his three boyfriends!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A young guy walks his girlfriend home after a date. When they reach her front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blow job?” “What! Are you crazy?” “Don’t worry, it will be quick.” “No! Someone might see us.” “It’s just a little blow job,” he insists, “and I know you like it.” “No! I said no!” “Baby. . . don’t be like that.” Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, rubbing her eyes. She says to her sister, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself—but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, “Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Mr. White is a biology professor at a posh suburban girl’s school. One day during class he says, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size? And please define the conditions.” “Mr. White,” the student gasps, “I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sits down red faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White asks Miss Jones the same question. With complete composure she replies, “Why, of course, it is the pupil of the eye, which expands in dim light.” “Correct,” says the teacher. “Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A baby emerges from the womb and he is a beautiful little bundle of joy. He has all his parts, he’s pink and round—but there’s one thing strange about him. He never stops laughing. Doctors and nurses gather round to examine him trying to figure out what would possess a newborn to laugh that way. The jolly baby just keeps on laughing, his tiny fists curled into a ball and tears rolling from his eyes. Finally, one of the doctors unfolds his tiny fingers one at a time to check if his hands are all right. In the palm of his tiny hand he is holding...a birth control pill!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope. The following Friday they appear before the judge. The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys are in court, and the judge says to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded seventeen people to give up drugs forever.” “Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...O o. . . and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” says the judge. “You are free on probation.” Turning to the second boy, he says, “And you, how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded a hundred and fifty-six people to give up drugs forever.” “A hundred and fifty-six people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar approach,” he says, also drawing a large and small circle. “I said this is your asshole before prison...”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“What happened to the pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his little preschool students might be a confused about Jesus. He asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in heaven.” Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!” The teacher blinks a few times. “Why, Johnny, do you think that Jesus is in your bathroom?” “Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A young Amish girl is going on her first date and her mother is helping her get ready. She puts on gloves, because it is cold out that night and the Amish still ride in buggies. Asks her mother, “Why are you wearing gloves? It isn’t ladylike to wear gloves.” “It’s supposed to be cold tonight. What do I do with my hands if they get cold?” “Just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm.” Reluctantly, the girl agrees. Her date picks her up and they go on their way. On the way home the girl’s hands get cold so, following her mother’s orders, she sticks them between her knees. Her date looks over and says, “Why on earth do you have your hands between your legs?” “My mother told me that if my hands got cold, I should stick them between my legs.” “Well, my dick is frozen solid; do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?” “Hmmm...well, I guess I don’t see any harm in it.” After returning home from her date the girl asks her mother, “What do you know about dicks?” “Why?” asks the concerned mother. “What do YOU know about dicks?” “All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A guy meets a girl at a disco and she invites him back to her house for the night. Her parents are out of town, so she figures it is the perfect opportunity. They get home and go into her bedroom, where the guy notices that every surface is covered with stuffed toys. There are hundreds of them, fluffy animals and dolls everywhere: on top of the wardrobe, on the bookshelves, covering the windowsills, all over the floor, and of course covering the bed. Somehow, they manage to find space to have sex and afterward he turns to her and says, “So, how was I?” “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A young woman who worked as a prostitute was very careful to keep this a secret from her grandmother. One day, the police raided a brothel and rounded up the working girls, including the young woman. The prostitutes were instructed to line up single-file on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking through the neighborhood just then but little old Grandma. The young woman was frantic—and sure enough, Grandma noticed her and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Thinking quickly, the young woman told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll get some myself.” And with that, she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer was working his way down the line, questioning each girl. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old, how do you do it?” “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“One summer, a bachelor farmer hires a college student to help around the farm. Says the farmer, “Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you. You better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin’ going on.” “Hey, I’m a college man—I can hold my liquor, believe you me. I should do just fine.” “There is also going to be a lot of fightin’, so I hope you can handle yourself with your fists.” “I have been working hard all summer and I think I’m in pretty good shape to defend myself.” “Okey-dokey, but did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?” “Thank God! I have been out here all summer without a date and I have been dying for some action. Say. . . what should I wear to this party?” “I don’t care. Its just gonna be me and you.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A boy and girl have been out on a date. As they pull into the girl’s driveway, she invites him to come over for dinner the next night to meet her parents. He agrees, and the girl promises that after dinner they will make love. The boy is pretty excited, as it will be his very first time having sex—so on his way home, he decides to stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms. The next night at dinner, the girl’s mother asks the boy to say grace before dinner. He obliges with great enthusiasm, going on and on about repentance, forgiveness, mercy, and salvation. “I didn’t know you were such a religious person,” says the girl. “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“One day the teacher walks into her classroom and notices that someone has written the word PENIS in tiny letters on the blackboard. She scans the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she erases the obscenity and begins class. The next day, the word PENIS is written on the board again, this time in bigger letters stretching about halfway across the board. Again, the teacher looks around in vain for the culprit, erases the graffito and proceeds with the day’s lesson. Every morning for nearly a week the trend continues, and each day the word appears in larger letters. Each day she rubs them out vigorously. At the end of the week, the teacher walks in expecting to be greeted yet again by the offending word. Instead, she finds this: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Bubba is fixing a door and he finds that he needs a new hinge, so he sends Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the store Mary Louise sees a beautiful teapot on the top shelf while she is waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob is finished, Mary Louise asks, “How much for the teapot?” “That’s silver and it costs a hundred dollars,” he replies. “My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” She then proceeds to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob goes to the backroom to find one. From the backroom Joe Bob yells, “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?” “No,” she replies. “But I will for the teapot.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had left was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple. Adam jumped up and yelled, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I can just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!” Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. So Adam was given this wonderful gift. He celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. “Now let’s see,” God said, looking back into his bag, “what’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A couple of women are playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hits one of the men and he immediately clasps his hands over his groin, falls to the ground, and rolls around in evident agony. The woman rushes down to the man and begins apologizing profusely. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him earnestly. “Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replies breathlessly, as he remains doubled over in pain. The woman persists in trying to help and he finally agrees. She gently takes his hands away from his groin and lays them to his sides. She loosens his pants and she puts her hands inside. She begins to massage him, asking, “How does that feel?” “It feels great—but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy